Blond quips
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Blond quips
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I told my blond girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting.
She told me she didn't know how to cook them.
Two blondes are in a dark theatre:
BLONDE #1: "Hey, the guy next to me is jerking off!"
BLONDE #2: "Just ignore him."
BLONDE #1: "I can't. He's using my hand."
This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"
A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly
Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into
Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me!
Andy tells me..."
Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...
A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
"I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"
A blonde walked into a hardware store, picked up the hinges she was looking for, and
went to go pay for them. The clerk asked her,
"Need a screw for those hinges?"
"No, but how about a blow job for the shovel in the back?"
BLONDE #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
BLONDE #2: "No, who wrote it?"
Did you hear about the blonde mom who kept an icepack on her chest to keep the milk fresh?
A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with.
... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan "Billions Served - just today"
Did you hear about the blonde bride that was so horny she carried a bouquet of batteries?
What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
Her husband is out looking for the other man.
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
Did you hear about the blonde who:
BLONDE #1: "It's embarassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
BLONDE #2: "Gee, what are you taking for it?"
BLONDE #1: "Snuff."
BLONDE: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
MAN: "It's 3:15."
BLONDE: (puzzled look on her face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been
asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
MALE SECRETARY: "Feel free to use my dictaphone."
NEW BLONDE EMPLOYEE: "No thanks, I'll just use my finger like everyone else."
Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with
a coat hanger:
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the
top is down!
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:
There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups. The
doctor asked the first woman "In what position was the baby conceived ?"
"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl." said the doctor.
With this, the third women, a blond, burst into tears.
"Whats the matter ?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies ?".....
Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles"
referred to her ears?
A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies,
"Bring me a beer."
The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?"
To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"
Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.
DOCTOR (Taking up his stethoscope): "Big breaths."
ADOLESCENT BLONDE: "Yeth, and I'm not even thixteen."
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said
"DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "Oh
well !" and turned around and drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS
8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww,
look at the dead birdie".
The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
A man comes home from work one night to catch his blonde girlfriend sliding down the
banister, naked. He blurts out, "What do you think you're doing!?"
"Just heating up dinner," she replies.
A man and his blonde girlfriend were fooling around when the blonde asked, "Would
you mind taking off your ring? It's hurting me."
"Ring, nothing." he quipped, "That's my wristwatch."
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way
street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.
A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
"Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
"Driver's licence? What's that?..."
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?"
"What's that?..."
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the
blonde exclaims:"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do
without the ironing lady.
Blonde Wife: Well, if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the
gardener.
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The
brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So
she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five
miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired
to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's
better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to
swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles
before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try
to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from
the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go
on!" So she swam back.
Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?
Blonde: I don't know. Why?
Teller: It was easier to spell.
Blonde: Easier than what?
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and half an hour later they were both killed by a train.
The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook"
A blonde was telling a priest an Irish joke, when halfway through the
priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Irish?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start
over
and talk slower?"
Three blondes were walking through the desert when one found a magic genie's lamp. The
genie said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."
The first said,
"I wish I were smarter". So she became a redhead.
The second blonde said
"I wish I were smarter than her." She became a brunette.
The third blond said
"I wish I were smarter than both of them." So she became a man.
Confucious say: blonde who fly upside down have crack up.
At a carwash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out at the same time. A
beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes off, leaving its owner rather perplexed.
About three minutes later, she reappears at the car wash yelling, "who ripped off my
car phone!"
Last night I went home to my blonde girlfriend, and told her I was going to screw her brains out. Then I realized I was too late.
A blonde is suffering froma sore throat so she goes to see the doctor.
She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets
out his torch and says "Open wide". "I can't," replies the blonde,
"the chair's fitted with arms."
A blonde friend of mine was looking for some transportation, so I bought her a Woody. I
called her up later and asked how she like it. She told me it was OK, but that it didn't
look so good once she had taken it out of the crate.
A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).
She walks up to the pharmicist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"
"They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the
tax."
"Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."
Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display
and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."
"Does he use the ball kind?" enquired the clerk.
"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and
tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? "
The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally
agrees.
So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before."
She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black
dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one
before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your
dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid
one before...."
She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black
dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
A young blonde woman is asked out on a date and accepts. The boy picks her up and they
go to a nearby carnival in town. They ride a few rides, play a few games, and seem to be
generally hitting it off well. During a sort of romantic lull, however, the boy says,
"What do you want to do now?"
"I want a weigh," she says.
Well, OK, thinks the boy. They walk over to the fortune scales, and weigh her. They play a
few more games and stop for food.
"What do you want to do now?" asks the boy again.
"I want a weigh," she says.
Hmmm, a little odd but I'll put up with it, thinks the boy. Again they get her weight and
fortune.
After yet another few games and an exquisite fireworks show, the boy repeats, "What
do you want to do now?"
"I want a weigh," she says.
Damn, thinks the boy, she's just too weird for me. They get her weight and fortune, and
the boy drives her home.
As she walks into the house, her sister asks, "How'd your date go?"
"Wousy," says the girl.
After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just-spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had
a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared
it up. The blonde asked inquisitively,
"How do you give shoulders?"
How is a blonde like a.......
Hairdryer? Turn her on and she starts to blow.
Vaccum Cleaner? Turn her on and she starts to suck.
Light Switch? Even a six year old can turn her on.
Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage?
Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out.
Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained
to her that she needed a liquor license?
"Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"
There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio.
The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough
she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field
in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's
blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give
you what's coming to you!"
"How come she got expelled from school?"
"She was caught cheating."
"How?"
"She was counting her breasts during a biology exam!"
Maggie's first pregnancy had produced triplets. With
considerable pride she was telling her blonde friend how
this happened once in every 200,000 times.
The blonde's eyes widened: "Beats me how you ever found time
to do any housework!"
A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals (or for Bill
Clinton capitols). She proudly said," go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."
A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead.
Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good
thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!"
Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly.
Great Pick-Up lines to use on Blondes
Worst Pick-Up lines to use, even on a Blonde
A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to
the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't
bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring
all of the patrons! True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that
everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. "But wait!" he
cried, "this alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt anyone!". However, the
bartender is adamant. "If", the man continues, "I can prove that this
alligator is not vicious, can he stay?". "Well, I guess so", says the
bartender, "however, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to
everyone in here that that alligator is tame!" The man smiles, and leans
over the alligator. "Ralph!", he shouts, "Sit up!" With that, he beats
the alligator on the head with his fist "BANG BANG BANG". And the
alligator rears up on its tail. "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG".
And the alligator opened it's huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of
gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the
alligators mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Ralph! Close your mouth,
but DON'T BITE! BANG BANG BANG". As the man pummels the alligator on the
head, the giant mouth slowley closes, and stops juuuussttt short of biting
the guys dick off. The crowd sighs, and the man says "Ralph, open your
mouth! BANG BANG BANG!" and the alligators mouth opens wide again. "There,"
says the man to the crowd, " now would anyone else like to try this?" A
blonde in the back says "Yeah, I'll try, but only if your promise not to
hit me on the head so hard".
Blonde Medical Terminology
Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Benign -- what you be after you be eight
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coathook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small tablet
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumour -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited
Revenge of the Blonds
The only problem with women is men.
Women prefer the simple things in life...like men.
Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women.
Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy...by remaining a bachelor.
Most men prefer looks to brains, because most men see better than they think.
I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.
What's the difference between men and pigs?...Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
The average man is proof enough that women can take a joke.
Boys will be boys, but men are better at it.
What do you call a man who has lost 98% of his brain?...A widower.
They put one man on the moon. Why can't they put them all there?
What's an orgasm Mom? I don't know...ask your father.
If you catch a man...throw him back.
Men call us birds, is that because of all the worms we pick up?
What is the useless bit of skin of a penis?...A man
[Thanks to Troy C. Belding (ST17Y@JETSON.UH.EDU) for
compiling the list]
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