HONEYMOON NIGHTS

Three honeymoon couples find themselves in adjacent rooms in a hotel.
As they are getting undressed, the first man says to his wife, "What huge
buttocks!" Much offended, she threw him into the corridor.
The second man, also undressing, says to his wife, "Christ! What huge tits!."
She is also greatly offended and throws him out into the corridor.
Several minutes later, the third newlywed husband arrives in the corridor as
well.
The other two ask, "What happened? Did you put your foot in it?"
"No, but I could have!" the third man replied.

A young couple got married and they've never made love before. On their
wedding night, the new bride is quite anxious to get things going, but the man
seemed to be having some difficulty. Finally, he starts to undress. When he
takes off his pants, she notices that his knees are deeply pockmarked and
scarred.
So his wife says, "What happened to you?"
The man says, "When I was young, I had the kneesles." He then takes off his
socks and his wife sees that his toes are all mangled and deformed.
"Hmmm, well what happened to your feet?" inquires the wife.
"When I was a young boy, I had tolio."
So, finally, the man takes off his shorts and the woman replies, "Don't tell
me. Smallcox, right!?"

This guy is getting married and he is a bit nervous since he is not too
experienced. So he asks his best man to come along on the honeymoon and give a
few pointers. The best man exclaims, "Come on man, its your honeymoon, you're
supposed to be spending time with your wife, not your best friend!" To which
the groom replies that he has already paid for a room next door to his for the
best man. After much coercion, the best man give in and decides to go along.
They work out a system where the best man will pound on the wall and shout
advice if he hears anything going wrong.
So the honeymoon comes and goes, and the bride and groom go to the honeymoon
suite of the hotel, and the best man goes to his room next door. After a few
moments, the bride gets undressed, but the groom gets so nervous he runs into
the bathroom and locks the door. After about five minutes of waiting, the bride
says, "honey, are you coming out, I have to go to the bathroom!" The groom
replies, "I will be out in a few minutes, hon, I'll be ready soon."
After a few more minutes, the bride can't take it any longer, so she rummages
under the bed where all the wedding gifts are stashed, grabs a box, unwraps it,
pulls out the fondue pot, shits in it, wipes with the tissue paper, closes it
and shoves it under the bed. Just then the groom, having summoned his manly
nerve walks out of the bathroom. The bride, being feminine and all, goes into
the bathroom to stall for a few minutes so the groom won't know what she did.
The groom, sitting on the bed =sniff* notices this awful smell!
*sniff* *sniff* Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! *sniff* What can that be? He looks
under the bed, finds the box, pulls it out and exclaims, "Honey, there's shit in
your box!!!"
Boom! Boom! Boom! (There's pounding on the wall...)
The best man yells from the other room, "Turn her over, turn her over!"

These three friends, a Dentist, a Carpenter, and an Electrician were sitting
around trying to decide what prank to pull on a mutual friend. Their friend was
getting married soon, and his good buddies just felt compelled to play some
prank, as all good buddies would.
After sitting around brainstorming for a while, the Electrician had a
thought, "I know! I know! I can wire the bed so that when our friend and his
new bride sit on it and touch one another, they'll get a good shock."
The Carpenter perked up and added, "and I can rig the bed so that when they
get shocked and jump apart, the bed will collapse."
The Dentist just sat in silence, because he couldn't think of a thing to do.
After the fortunate couple's wedding and honeymoon, the groom called his
friends together for a chat. He said to them, "Well, when we sat on the bed and
got a shock, it wasn't that bad. And then when we jumped apart and the bed fell
in, we had a good laugh. But who's bright idea was it to put the Novacaine in
the Vaseline?!?!?!?!?"

In the middle of his honeymoon, the young Cajun bridegroom left his bride back
at the hotel and shows up at his parents house completely distraught. His
father asks him, "Son, why you not with you bride on you honeymoon?" The boy
replies, "Daddy I was jus' gettin ready to love my bride when she tell me she
want me to know she a virgin. So I come to ask what do I do?" The father says,
"Boy don' be tellin me you don' know what do wid a womin, specially a virgin."
The boy says, "Daddy, course I knows what to do wid a woman, but dis be ma
wife." The father says, "So what difference dis make?" To which the son says,
"Well daddy, I jus got to figure if she ain't good nuff for her own family she
shore ain't good enough for ours."

On the eve of her wedding, the bride-to-be confessed to her best friend that
she was worried about her husband finding out that she wasn't a virgin.
"No problem," said the friend. "Just go out and buy yourself a nice piece of
liver and put it up inside you just before you have sex. You'll feel nice and
tight and he'll never know the difference."
She went ahead and followed her friend's advice.
On her wedding night, she and her new husband went wild. They did it in the
tub, they did it on the floor, they did it just about everywhere.
The bride woke up the next morning and found her new hubby was gone and all
that was left was a note that read:
Sweetheart, I love you very much. I feel terrible about what has happened. I
can't go on after this, and I know now that we can never have a life together.
Goodbye darling.
P.S. Your pussy is in the refrigerator.

On the first evening of their honeymoon, they are sitting on the balcony of
the hotel while the sun is setting. "Honey", she says, "now that we're married,
will you tell me what a penis is?"
He almost fell off the chair when he heard her ask. So, being her husband,
he led her into their room and took his pants off. "*This*, my love, is a
penis." he told her.
"Oh!", she exclaimed, "it's looks like a dick, but only much smaller."

The newlywed couple asked the hotel desk clerk for a room and told him they
just got married that morning.
"Congratulations!" said the clerk looking at the bride. "Would you like the
bridal then?"
"No thanks," said the woman. "I'll just hold him by the ears until he gets
the hang of it."

The newlyweds were on their honeymoon when the groom asked, "Honey, you can
tell me. Am I the first man?" She looked up and said, "Why does everybody ask
me that?"

On the eve of his wedding night, a confused young man calls his father to ask
him about his upcoming performance.
"Dad," says the son, "what do I do tonight? I'm very nervous."
"Don't worry," comforts the father. "It's all very simple. Remember that
thing you used to play with as a teenager? Well, you just take that and stick
it where your wife pees."
So that night, the now-confident young man takes his G.I. Joe and throws it
in the toilet.

For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon
trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still
there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when
they arrive. The husband says "I'll just nip around by their window and see
what they are doing. We can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!"
Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged
in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with
their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them
between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around
his erect member. After a few minutes of this, they rush together and make mad
tumultuous love like crazed weasels.
The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his
eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more
aroused herself. "Darling, this is going to be so good," she says, "Run right
out and get some grapefruit and Lifesavers!"

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful
17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to
Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So,
tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love
almost every night, we -"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost
every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love
Tuesday..."

This old geezer of 78 marries a girl of 18. The morning after the wedding
night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face.
"What's the matter, dear?" asks the woman at the front desk.
"Well," sniffed the girl, "He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, and
I thought he meant his _money_".

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night
after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph,
"Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It
means you can take your pick."

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded
to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their
wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite
of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got
undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When
he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch
erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the
sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."

A woman is on her honeymoon with her new French husband. She is giving him
oral sex when the phone rings. The husband answers it, to find out is his
mother-in-law, asking for her daughter.
He says, "She cannot talk rrright now, she 'as a frog in ze thrrrought."

An old man got married to an 18 years old girl. One day, he went to a doctor
and told him that he wanted to have a kid. The doctor thought for a while and
said to the man, "If you and your wife don't mind, I suggest that you should
find someone to help you." The man thought for a while and left the clinic.
Few months later, the old man returned to the doctor again with smiley face.
To the doctor, he said, "Thank you, doc. I followed your suggestion and found
someone to help me. Now my wife is pregnant. Thanks, thanks."
The doctor could not keep his wonder, so he asked, "Uh.., congratulations,
but how about the one who helped you?"
The old man doubled his smile and replied, "Oh! She is pregnant, also!"

The new husband, a Cockney stagehand, had a most satisfactory nuptial night with
his young bride. Forgetting his marital state he quickly dressed himself, threw
several half-crowns on the bureau, and headed for the door. On the way out he
recalled his new status and returned to his bride. There he found her biting on
the coins in an experienced manner.

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the
bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my
wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've
managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out
sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I
tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep
it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a
week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks
into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his
arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've
a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

The bridgegroom carried his bride over the threshold and into the honeymoon
suite. They had taken off all their clothes when, suddenly, the sweet young
girl began to tremble.
"What's the matter, honey?" he asked in a concerned voice.
She was now shivering all over. "I've got an attack of St. Vitus Dance,"
she said.
The groom thought about it for a minute, then picked up the hotel phone and
called the bell captain for help.
Four bellboys came rushing into the room.
"Quick! You grab her arms," the young man shouted to two of them. To the
other two, he directed, "Grab her legs and hold her tight!"
He leaped into the bed on top of her, inserted his member into her, and then
shouted to the straining bellboys, "Okay, fellas, let her go now!!!"

In the old country, it is custom for women to enter, virginal and sexually
ignorant, into marriages arranged by their parents.
In one particular case, an attractive young maid, from a very poor family was
wed to a well-off, but relatively unattractive businessman.
When the wedding night finally came, the couple, at the bride's insistence,
stayed in a hotel near her families home. Early in the evening, the harried
looking bride came rushing through the door.
"Mother, Mother!" cried the girl, "He says that we should sleep together!"
"It's alright, girl, married people sleep together. Now go back before he
starts to worry about you."
"Oh," said the girl, and returned to her husband, who had already begun to
disrobe. When she saw his hairy chest, she went running back to her mother.
"Mother, Mother, he is taking off his clothes, and he is covered in hair!"
"It's alright girl, men have hair on their bodies, don't let it bother
you... Now, get back their before he starts wondering about you."
When she returns, she finds the man naked for the first time, and sees that
he had part of his right foot amputated. She flees, in fright, back to mom.
"Mother, mother, he only has a foot and a half!"
"Stand back, girl!" says the mother, "This is a job for a real woman!"

A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married
eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a
virgin. This puzzled the Marketing Manager since after eight marriages, he
thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He
asked his new bride to explain the phenomena.
Her comments were as follows,
"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage
telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything
was diagnostically 'okay', but he just couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, 'Those
who can...do; whose who can't...teach.'
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department who said that he had
the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic
process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance And Administration. His comments were
that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards And Regulations and told me that he was
up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it."
The wife said sweetly to her new husband, "Now I am married to you, a man of
Marketing."
The husband looked at his wife and simply said, "I know I have the product,
I'm just not sure how to position it!"

From the Dick Purtan radio show:
A man and woman the morning after their honeymoon night were discussing the
previous evenings' events. The woman says, "You are a terrible lover!". The
man replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"

The friends of the bride decided to give the newlyweds a tape recording of the
couple making love on their honeymoon night as a gag wedding gift. They
accomplished this by hiding a tape recording under the newlywed's bed that
evening. Before they gave the recorded tape to her, they played the tape and
heard her moaning to her new husband, "That's happiness! That's happiness!" But
her voice sounded funny and they discovered that they were playing the tape at
the wrong speed. When they slowed the tape down to the correct pitch, they were
surprised to hear her shouting at him, "That's a penis?! That's a penis?!"

After the honeymoon, ask which one of them sat on the bed and cried because it
was too big?

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy
courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the
beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream,
the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream,
the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally,
he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their
ride.
A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a
fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states,
"That's Two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.
As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its
footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and
helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he
stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three", removes a pistol from his
vest, and shots the horse dead.
The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her
husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"
The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"

Animator Walter Lantz, creator of the Woody Woodpecker cartoon character, died
March 22, 1994. He created the conniving Woody Woodpecker after being inspired
by a woodpecker that disrupted his honeymoon at California's Lake June in the
early 1940's. He later also created the cartoon character Chilly Willy,
amongst others. Hmmm... I wonder if his inspiration for naming some of his
characters also came from his honeymoon outing...

George and Martha, in their 80's, just arrived at their hotel from their
wedding. They quickly undressed and began to smooch. George decided to go to
the bathroom and brush his teeth, winking at Martha and telling her to 'get
ready'.
Martha began to limber up a bit (it had been a long time...). She did a few
toe touches, flexed her arms a little, then laid back on the bed to 'bicycle'.
She stretched her legs farther back, trying to touch her toes behind her head,
when she caught her feet in the headboard.
George came out just as she was trying to extricate herself, squinted towards
the bed, and snapped, "Martha! For God's sake comb your hair and put your teeth
back in! You look like an asshole!"

Two young couples marry the same day and, being all friends, leave together
for honeymoon to stay at the same Hotel in Venice, door to door. The next
morning, the two brand new husbands step out on their balconies to have a breath
of fresh air.
"So? How was it going last night? C'mon, tell me! How's your wife??"
"Uhh, fine I guess, she's lying on the bed smoking."
"Jesus! My wife just got a bit sore..."

Return to menu