Lawyer Humour |
Lawyer Humour |
This list of lawyer jokes cannot be sent due to a court order given at the
request of some lawyers.
That order has been appealed by some other lawyers.
Pending the appeal (and possible further appeals up to the Supreme Court), the list will
be unavailable to the general public.
If you are unhappy with this situation, see your lawyer, who will be happy to handle it
for you for a suitable fee.
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies, "Four!"
The accountant says, "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How
much do you want it to be?"
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the
quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store.
So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for a Builders brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all
day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later
that day, she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered
the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an
explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing
like that to a seven-year-old?"
Heard Alan King tell this on an Ed Sullivan retrospective:
The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem.
What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer
frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of
people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at
the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then
St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the
front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said,
"I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied,
"Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your
clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After
a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions,
ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After
passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their
new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on
the front lawn of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings.
This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least
until the end of time..)
"Hot Dang," the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this,
I
can hardly wait to see my digs!"
They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins
to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with
Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new
domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff all his best.
The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out, "Hey Pete! What's the
deal here? You put that lawyer in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual
leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies, "Look here old fellow, this
street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and
religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma
together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first non-damned
lawyer to make it up here!!"
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
.............and the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things,
but argues,
"Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."
St. Peter looks in his book and says,
"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra
nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"
The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies,
"Yes."
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says,
"Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a
fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a
shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an
attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."
At the funeral of a lady was her doctor, a friend and her lawyer. Each had
promised her that at her funeral they would toss $1000 into her grave. The
doctor and friend each tossed in their $1000 cash, after which the lawyer
removed the cash and placed a check for $3000.
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to
Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go
first, and the executioner follow."
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had
solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the
Phoenicians invented money, there has been only one answer to that question."
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial,
the jury acquitted him. Later that day, Carlson came back to the judge who had
presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of
mine."
"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have
him
arrested for?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his
fee,
so he went and took the car I stole."
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your
background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under
oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
Definition of a lawyer: a man who helps you get what's coming to him.
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?" someone asked.
"Not too bad," said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's
grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl
asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will
be no problem with fee-splitting.
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the
Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says, "Harry, we better lose
some altitude so we can see where we are."
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon and the balloon descends
to below the cloud cover.
George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the
ground."
So Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, could you tell us where we are?"
And the man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in
the air."
George turns to Harry and says, "That man must be a lawyer."
And Harry says, "How can you tell?"
George says, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
useless."
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New
York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
Product Liability Suit
In The United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona
Case No. B19293, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding
Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff vs. Acme Company, Defendant
Opening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:
My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states,
does hearby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and
retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing
business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation
for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a
direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under
Title 15 of the United States Code Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a),
relating to product liability.
Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions, he has purchased of
the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail order
department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in
manufacture or improper cautionary labelling. Sales slips made out to Mr.
Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court,
marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily
restricted his ability to make a living in the profession of predator. Mr.
Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's Compensation.
Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th, he received of Defendant via parcel
post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket
sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled, Mr.
Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and sighting his prey in the
distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the
Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr.
Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifteen feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr.
Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his
back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing
over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its
path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that
moment, the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote
vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poor
design and engineering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent steering
system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled led it
and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.
Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by
Dr. Ernst Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions, and
tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of
the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a
neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs. Hampered by these
injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in
mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket
Skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in
an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled.
Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached
powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or
no provision for passenger safety.
Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates
soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so
violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.
Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he
has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme "Little
Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing,
see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalog and attached deposition, entered in
evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive
purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite
just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote
constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top
of the butte and spiralling downward around it to some few feet above a black X
painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a
spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly
down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a
generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical
Acme Bomb (Catalog #78) climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey,
seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In
an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.
In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to naught, the
premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following
disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:
1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.
2. Sooty discoloration.
3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with
a creaking noise.
4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy
disintegration.
5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.
We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these
purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected
fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University
of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date, no explanation has
been found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunction.
As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-
metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength
and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard
release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon
his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.
To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them
by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a
path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind
feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw
holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time, Mr. Coyote's prey
did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped
near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote
gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release. At
this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away
from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered
Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on
unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in the air. Then the twin springs recoiled,
bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full
weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.
The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr.
Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The
boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a
hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At
each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came
into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the
grade was a long one, this process continued for some time. The sequence of
collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz, flattening
of the cranium, sideways displacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs
and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head.
Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular
horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues, a rare and painful condition
which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he
walked, and to emit an offkey, accordion-like wheezing with every step. The
distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment
to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.
As the court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of
manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our
contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the
consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese
tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has
come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source
of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in
Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company
is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner
over and over again.
Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic
implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million
dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical
expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars;
general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million
dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By
awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its
directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language
they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal
protection under the law.
Lawyers are the only profession where the more there are, the more are needed!
- Robert Lucky, IEEE Spectrum
Lawyers in Japan
Copied from the Sunday Daily Breeze -
Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's
well-oiled economic machine. It's only a mater of time before that powerful
engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.
What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased
unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically
debilitating - and permanent.
Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to
practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!
The decline has begun.
Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of
one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan,
there are 1,000 engineers. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.
But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in
Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six
British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.
If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American
attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our
costliest surplus commodity?
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at
this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the
innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his
suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with
an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.
"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would
have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up
all
night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in
the family than a lawyer."
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for
all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're
going to find a lawyer?"
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his
selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's
against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put
"here lies an honest lawyer."
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and
exclaim, "That's strange!"
An anxious woman goes to her doctor.
"Doctor," she asks nervously, "Can you get pregnant from anal
intercourse?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come
from?"
It has been discovered that lawyers are the larval stage of politicians.
There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.
No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
- Jean Giradoux
A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the
judge.
I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence, so let's discuss his
absence of character! - Michael Lara
There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax
return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'
- ibid
Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a
bad name.
At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another,
"Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our
experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for five reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful.
Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. Third, lawyers
multiply faster in numbers. Fourth, animal rights groups will not object to
their torture. And fifth, there are some things even a rat won't do. There is
a drawback however; sometimes it's very hard to extrapolate the test results to
human beings"
Why do behavioral scientists prefer lawyers to rats for their experiments?
There are more of the lawyers to work with, lab assistants are less likely to
feel sympathy for them, they multiply faster, animal rights groups will not
object to their torture, and there are some things even a rat won't do.
A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank
holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window
that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account
with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of
Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller seemed to
think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing
the bundles of $1000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned
the bank's secretary to obtain an appointment for the lady.
The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office.
Introductions were made and she stated that she would like to get to know the
people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then
asked her where she came into such a large amount of money. "Was it an
inheritance?" he asked.
"No." she answered.
"Was it from playing the stock market?"
"No." she replied.
He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old lady
could possibly come into $3 million.
"I bet." she stated.
"You bet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?"
"No." she replied, "I bet people."
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she justs bets different things with
people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00
o'clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be square."
The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her
up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, the
bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take
no chances; there was $25,000.00 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure
everything was okay. There was no difference; he looked the same as he always
had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00
o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be a good day; how often do you
get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing.
At 10:00 o'clock sharp, the little old lady was shown into his office. With
her was a younger man. When he inquired as to the man's purpose for being
there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and she always took him along
when there was this much money involved. "Well," she asked, "what about our
bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I am the same as I've
always been only $25,000.00 richer."
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for
herself. The bank president thought this was reasonable and dropped his
trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure
enough, everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw her
lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall.
"What' wrong with him?" he inquired.
"Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock this
morning that I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to
which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would
invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which
happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he
invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a
freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
Well, they had a splendid time in the country, rising early and living in the
great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion
went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the
berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities,
along came two huge bears, a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two
bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and
the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his
Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods
sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch
with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in *that* one!" cried the
lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family
danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the
bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot
the female.
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the
other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would _you_ believe a lawyer who told
you that the Czech was in the male?"
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian
takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass,
drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in
the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we
have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the
window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite
impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to
smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas,
nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of
them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that, he throws the pack of
havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the
Lawyer through it...
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and
steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running
unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand
payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 (attorneys
don't carry cash; it's too plebeian).
Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the
lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when
their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When
they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and
one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly
agreed.
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the
beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door.
The Rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in
there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"
The Hindu said he would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem
with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the
bedroom door saying, "There's a cow in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room
as a cow! It's against my religion!"
The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no
problem sleeping with animals.
Two minutes later, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow
entered...
The Lawyer's Motto:
"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and
all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is
incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of
otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."
In Other Words:
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer go out hunting in the woods one day.
Each of them brings along his hunting dog, and they spend most of the morning
arguing about which of the dogs is the smartest. Early in the afternoon, they
discover a clearing in the forest. In the middle of the clearing is a large
pile of animal bones.
Seeing the bones, the doctor turns to the others and says, "I'm going to
prove to you two that my dog is the smartest. Watch this!" He then calls his
dog over and says, "Bones! See the bones? Go get 'em!" The dog rushes over to
the pile, rummages around for a bit, and then proceeds to build a replica of the
human skeleton, perfect down to the last detail. The doctor grins smugly; after
all, his dog has just build a *human* skeleton from *animal* bones.
The engineer, however, is totally unimpressed. "That's nothing," he says.
"Watch this." He calls his dog over, and points out the pile. "Bones! Get
the
bones!" The dog rushes over, tears down the skeleton, and in its place builds a
perfect replica of the Eiffel Tower. It even has a little French flag waving at
the top. The doctor is forced to agree that the engineer's dog is, in fact,
smarter than his own.
The lawyer, however, is still not impressed. "My dog is smarter," he says.
"Watch." He then calls his dog over, points to the pile, and says simply
"Bones." The dog rushes over to the pile, tears down the tower, eats half the
bones, buries the other half, screws the other two dogs, and takes the rest of
the afternoon off.
Two lawyers made a date to have lunch together. The first person showed up
on time, but the second person didn't show until 1-1/2 hours after they were
supposed to meet...
1st lawyer: "How come you're so late?"
2nd lawyer: "Oh, I ran over a milk bottle and got a flat tire.."
1st lawyer: "A milk bottle? Didn't you see it in the road?"
2nd lawyer: "No - the kid had it under his coat..."
Washington State Attorney Season And Bag Limits
1300.01 General
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest
attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of
currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck,
remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine,
helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or
"free Perrier" for
the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or
vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law
libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to
hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection
for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug
dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax
accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
Bag Limits
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
7. Cut-throat 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7
Ben Dover
And
C. Howlett Fields
Attorneys At Law
Legal business card:
Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe
Attorneys at Law
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is
that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own
pockets.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you
serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good,"
said the man.
"Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling
the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a
lawyer milking the cow.
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator, it
would be a good idea to just leave them there.
There was a young man shipwrecked on an island. He found a magic lamp on the
shore one day, picked it up and rubbed it. A Genie appeared. However, he was
not a typical Genie, he was an attorney Genie. When the Genie told the man he
was also an attorney, the man laughed and said, "Oh come on, Genies can't be
attorneys too!"
The Genie said he would prove it. He told the man to make his three wishes,
but on one condition, for every wish he made, all attorneys were granted double
of what the man wished for. The man pondered the offer and decided that
something was better than nothing and decided his three wishes.
"My first wish is for 1 million dollars."
The Genie reminded the man that he would grant the wish, but all attorneys
would get double that amount. The man agreed and then made his second wish.
"My second wish is for a beautiful blonde with blue eyes."
Once again, the Genie granted the wish and also granted all attorneys with
two of the blonde eyed babes.
The Genie announced that the man had one more wish and to consider his choice
carefully. The man thought for a moment. Suddenly, he drew the Genie's
attention to a piece of driftwood lying on the beach. He told the Genie: "For
my next wish, please pick up that piece of driftwood and beat me _half_ to
death!!!"
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While
several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the
customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their
wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something
in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers,
"What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe
you."
I'm going to sponsor a convention to honor honest lawyers as soon as I can find
a phone booth to hold it in.
A lawyer was trying to console a weeping widow. Her husband had passed away
without a will. "Did the deceased have any last words?" asked the lawyer.
"You mean *right* before he died?" sobbed the widow.
"Yes," replied the lawyer. "They might be helpful if it's not too painful
for you to recall."
"Well," she began, "he said 'Don't try to scare me! You couldn't hit the
broad side of a barn with that gun.'"
A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what
kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other. The rabbit says,
"You feel me first."
The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit. He says, "Well, you
have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back
feet..."
The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!"
Then the rabbit feels the snake. He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and
slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..."
The snake says, "Damn, I'm a lawyer."
Man goes goes to lawyer for help.
Man: What is your least expensive fee?
Lawyer: $50 for three questions.
Man: That's pretty expensive isn't it?
Lawyer: Yes. So what's your third question
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You
open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second one said, "I think librarians are easiest to operate on. You
open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third one said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up
and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless,
spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable."
The scene is heaven, with three men standing at the Pearly Gates. Saint
Peter says to the first man, "Let's see, you're Mr. Jones, the engineer. We've
been expecting you. Please follow me." Saint Peter leads him down a hall to a
door marked #101.
"This is where you'll be staying Mr. Jones," says Saint Peter as he opens the
door. Inside is a dark, dank, cold, musty room. Water is dripping from the
rocklike walls where torture equipment is hanging. Chained to the center of the
floor is a growling, fierce-looking dog.
Mr. Jones steps in and a loud voice cries out from above, "Mr.Jones! You
have sinned!"
Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the remaining two men waiting at
the entrance gate.
"And you are Mr. Smith, the doctor," Saint Peters addresses the second man.
"You are in room 102. Please follow me." Once again when the door is opened
this room is dark and dank, water dripping down the walls with horrible torture
equipment hanging everywhere, and a growling, snarling dog chained to the center
of the floor.
As Mr. Smith steps in, a voice from above cries, "Mr. Smith! You have
sinned!"
Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the last man waiting at the
entrance gate.
"And you must be Mr. Brown, the lawyer. We have been waiting for you. You
are in room number 103. Please follow me." When they get to room #103, Saint
Peter opens the door to reveal another dark, musty, gloomy room with torture
equipment hanging from the water dripping walls.
But in the center of the room stands Bo Derek. As the lawyer steps in the
room the voice cries out, "Bo Derek! You have sinned!"
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven, where he is brought before God. "A lawyer,
eh?" says God (who seems to be Canadian). "We've never had a lawyer in Heaven
before. Argue a point of the law for my edification."
The lawyer goes into panic and says, "Oh, God, I cannot think of an argument
worthy of your notice. But I'll tell you what...you argue a point of the law
and I'll refute you."
The lawyer died. Having not lived an all-that-honest life he found himself
at the gates of Hell. "Welcome to Hell" announced the Devil greeting him warmly.
"Glad you could join us. As your last taste of free will, you are allowed to
choose which of three possible places that you will spend the rest of eternity."
There were three doors behind the Devil. He opened the first door. Flames
shot into the room and the lawyer could see thousands of people amidst the fire.
"No" said the lawyer. "Not this one."
The Devil opened the second door. The lawyer could see thousands of people
slaving away at a large rockpile. They were all being whipped as they hammered
the large boulders into smaller boulders. "No" again said the lawyer.
Finally, the devil opened up that last door which showed thousands of people
in a incredibly large lake with vomit up to their chins. All of them were
chanting 'Don't make waves, don't make waves...' "That's awful!!" commented the
lawyer in repulsion.
"You think that's bad?" asked the devil, "you should see it when the angels
spend the weekend here with their motorboats!"
Dear Prospective Employer:
I am a starving student on the 1993 production line at Harvard Law Factory. A
recent examination of my aspirations has convinced me that I must eat in the
years to come. The exorbitant sums paid by most legal factories to summer
associates fit in well with the modest goals I have set for myself. Feel
assured that I understand the responsibilities incumbent upon a summer associate
at your firm. I am not at all squeamish about milking our powerful corporate
clients of their every last cent by providing legal services of the calibre
necessary to defeat well-founded claims by victims caught in the corporate vice.
I have learned much at Hahvahd. I can promise that such human foibles as pity
will never interfere with my willingness to stretch the innocent on the rack of
legal trickery for the good of the client and its share-holders.
Although my parents lost their fortune in the 1987 stock market crash, we have
managed to retain our insultingly extravagant La Jolla mansion by means of lies
and trickery. I have gained a deep admiration for conspicuous consumption and
hope to become an expert in the practice. If I may quote the Bible, "You cannot
serve both God and Mammon." (Matt. 6:24). So why bother serving God?
I would be delighted to discuss further my background in a personal interview.
I am satisfied by my ability to demonstrate the amorality needed to be a
successful attorney, and the hunger needed to be a successful and profitable
hour biller with your factory. I appreciate the time spent reading this form
letter and my "you've seen it all before" resume. I look forward to receiving a
form letter with good news from you soon!
Desperately, but cocksurely,
Jack Meoff, Jr.
enclosure
JACK MEOFF, JR.
School Residence Family Residence
666 Brattle St., #14 99 Oversight Dr.
Cambridge, MA 02138 La Jolla, CA 92123
(617) 123-4567 (714) 321-9999
EDUCATION
HARVARD LAW FACTORY. Juris Doctor will be awarded May, 1993.
Grade Point Average: 3. 93/4. 00
*Christopher Columbus Langell Scholar
*Staff Member (redundant, huh?) Harvard Review
*Founder, CRAP in '92 (Committee to Re-elect America's President)
DARTMOUTH COLLEGE. Bachelor of Science, summa cum laude, awarded 1990.
Grade Point Average: 3. 97/4. 00Class Rank: 3/1245
Major: Economic Assumptions Minor: Business Antics
*Senior Thesis: "The Rich: How to Keep them that Way"
*Editor-in-chief, "The Dartmouth Review"
*President, Future Fascists of America
EXPERIENCE
WICHITA MUNICIPAL JAIL
Conspirator, Operation Rescue, 1991
*Deprived numerous U. S. Citizens of their civil rights
*Endured three nights of detention for flouting U. S. District Judge
Patrick Kelly's injunction encouraging infanticide
SILVERADO SAVINGS AND LOAN
Personal Assistant, Office of Mr. Neil Bush, 1990
*Rubber-stamped numberless unsecured loans to family friends
*Hid under rock with "sensitive" files when federal inspectors visited
EXXON CORPORATION
Intern, Legal Department, 1989
*Collaborated in escape from liability for Exxon Valdez spill
*Advised that Capt. Hazelwood be publicly pilloried as drunk culprit
UNITED STATES SENATE
Intern, Office of the Honorable Jesse Helms, 1988
*Authored bill to mandate a return to the values of the Middle Ages
*Rigged spring-guns to "delay" Anti-life protesters at door
*Bullshit official positions to constituents
INTERESTS
*Money
*Wealth
*Riches
*Treasure Trove
REFERENCES
Available for a modest fee
Malborn sat in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" aslked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to hear
the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed
each of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise
that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops
in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the
next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and
Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and
friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the
Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only
$10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all
the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their
forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed
that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The
envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring
himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit
others. By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He
expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest
and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying
friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin
contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelop contained my personal check for
the entire $25,000.
A great line by Danny de Vito in Other People's Money:
Of course I've got lawyers. They are like nuclear weapons: I've got em coz
everyone else has. But as soon as you use them they fuck everything up.
"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.
"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.
Banging his gavel sharply, His Honor interrupted: "All right, now that both
attorneys have been identified, let's get on with this case."
Old lawyers never die. They just establish law firms.
As the highway patrolman approached the accident site, he found that the
entire driver's side of the BMW had been ripped away, taking with it the
driver's arm.
The injured Yuppie lawyer, obviously in shock, kept moaning, "My car, my
car," as the officer tried to comfort him.
"Sir," the patrolman said gently, "I think we should be more concerned
about
your arm than your car."
The driver looked down to where his arm should have been, then screamed, "My
Rolex! My Rolex!!!"
Harry Bender: Imagine the appeals, dissents and remandments, if lawyers had
written 'The Ten Commandments'
Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods?
Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Subpoena: n. From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for
male organ
or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
Lawyer: a cat who settles disputes between mice.
The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the
brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of
the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out,
alright!"
The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five
minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of
the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and
says, "I said stop it!"
The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five
minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front
tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"
The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the
taste out of my mouth!"
In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly
cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair
amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It is impossible to assess
blame for the accident on either however.
They both get out. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer
calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes.
It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The laywer offers the doctor
a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it
back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
"Aren't you also going to have a drink?" the doctor says.
"After the police get here." replies the lawyer.
The October 8, 1990 issue of Fortune has picked up on a small story which
appeared in the Los Angeles Times.
As best as I remember, there was a lawyer who got caught three times in an
alleged speed trap. He sued the city under RICO (Racketeering Influence and
Corruption) statutes. Part of the allegation is that the city set the speed
limit without reviewing the traffic patterns every 5 years.
A judge ruled that the city could be sued under RICO.
I doubt that this is what they had in mind when Congress passed the RICO
statutes.
When judgement day came, God decided to be lenient and take up to heaven every
one except the really awful people. The result was a planet full of lawyers.
From the "Around New York" column of the New York Times, April 3, 1991:
Court Says Legal Aid Lawyers Had Right To Wear Buttons
A state appeals court ruled yesterday that Legal Aid Society lawyers had a
constitutional right to wear "Ready to Strike" buttons in October, when they
argued their cases in court.
The lawyers were wearing the buttons to signify their support of a threatened
strike. But Justice George Roberts of State Supreme Court ordered them to
remove their buttons in his Manhattan courtroom on the ground they could
prejudice the court and upset their clients.
The Apellate division of the State Supreme Court said "the mere act of
wearing a button" was protected by the Constitution's guarantee of free speech.
Justice Richard W. Wallach pointed out in a concurring opinion that Justice
Roberts had said he would have allowed non-political buttons such as those that
said "Save the Whales". But Justice Wallach issued a caution to all lawyers,
"If the choice had to be made between saving the lives of lawyers or saving
whales, there is little doubt that the overwhelming majority of Americans would
come down on the side of the whales."
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see
walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking
along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP"
and then he would swerve back on the road. This pasttime was immensely
enjoyable to the truck driver.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking,
so he thought he would do a good turn by offering the priest a lift. He pulled
the truck over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!" replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."
With that, the happy priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the truck
driver continued down the road.
Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and
instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest
in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road,
narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the
lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors, and
when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry,
Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged
her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another
$100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to
the attorney's mind, "Do I tell my partner?"
About 1900, a very respectable Western lawyer was filing some insurance
papers when he came to the question: "If your father is dead, state the cause."
Unwilling to reveal that his father had been hanged for cattle rustling, the
lawyer evaded the problem by answering this way: "He died while taking part in a
public ceremony when the platform gave way."
After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He
was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had
arrived to see him.
"Show him right in!" our lawyer replied.
As Mr. Jones was being ushered in, our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks
up the phone and shouts into it, "And you tell them that we won't accept less
then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that
amount!"
Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; "Good Morning, Mr.
Jones, what can I do for you?"
"I'm from the phone company" Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here to connect your
phone."
Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and who go along
learning more and more about less and less until they know practically
everything about nothing.
Lawyers, on the other hand, are people who know very little about many things
and keep learning less and less about more and more until they know practically
nothing about everything.
Judges are people who start out knowing everything about everything but end
up knowing nothing about anything because of their constant association with
experts and lawyers.
A federal magistrate ruled that the Alabama prison policy of allowing female
guards to oversee showers by male prisoners is not "cruel and unusual
punishment" for the men but a reasonably policy for security and equal
employment opportunities for female guards.
A very good man dies, and as a reward for a life well-spent, goes to heaven.
When he arrives, St. Peter meets him at the gate.
"Welcome," says St. Peter, "since you were such a good person in life, you
may enter heaven."
"Thank you," said the man. "But before I come in, could you tell me what
kind of other people are here?"
"Well, all kinds," replied St. Peter.
"Are there any convicted criminals in heaven?" asked the man.
"Yes, some," said St. Peter.
"Are there any communists in heaven?" asked the man.
"Yes, there are," replied St. Peter.
"Are there any Nazis in heaven? Asked the man.
"Just a few," said St. Peter.
"Well, are there any lawyers in heaven?" asked the man.
St. Peter replied, "What, and ruin it for everyone else?"
A mobster was on trial, facing a possible life sentence, but his lawyer
bribed a juror to hold out for a lesser charge. After hours of deliberation,
the jury returned a verdict carrying a maximum of ten years in prison.
Afterward, the lawyer approached the juror. "You had me so worried! When
the jury was out so long, I was afraid you couldn't pull it off."
"I was worried too!" answered the juror. "The others all wanted to acquit
him!"
Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:
George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years."
Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days."
George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3
days???"
Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer."
A redundancy in wording: Criminal Lawyer
The temperature control in Hell went haywire and the heat started to make
even the condition in Heaven uncomfortable. St. Peter got Satan on the horn
and yelled, "You'd better fix that immediately or I'll sue."
On hearing that, Satan chuckled, "Oh yeah, how? I have all the lawyers down
here. And besides, how can fix it when you have all the good engineers?"
Star Trek Lawyer Joke
Dr. McCoy was involved in a shuttle craft accident and he was left trapped
inside the damaged ship. While Captain Kirk was waiting for the emergency crews
to free his comrade he pounded on the ship and shouted, "Bones, Bones! Do you
think your alright? Are you badly hurt?" To which Dr. McCoy replied, "Damn it,
Jim! How should I know? I'm a doctor, I'm not a lawyer!"
A Farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The Attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The Farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The Attorney said, "Do you have any grounds?"
The Farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The Attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The Farmer said, "No, I got a John Deere."
The Attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The Farmer said, "Yeh, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The Attorney said, "No Sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The Farmer said, "Yes Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to Church ever' Sunday."
The Attorney said, "Well Sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The Farmer said, "No Sir, we both get up at 4:30 A.M. together."
The Attorney then said, "Well is she a nagger or anything?"
The Farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last kid was a nagger
and that's why I want this Dayvorce!"
Actually, my mom is a lawyer. When a client comes in and says that they:
a) Want a divorce and will drag it out forever and,
b) To see that that the other party gets what they deserve and,
c) To make sure the the wrongdoer is revealed for what they are.
She asks them for a detailed list of all of the property. At this point, the
client always says with glee, "For the court?" To which she says, "No, for
me.
Since you are going to squander all your wealth on lawyers fees, I want to know
what I am getting."
At which point they ask for a quick settlement.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Augustine's Laws
Bulls do not win bull fights; people do. People do not win people fights;
lawyers do.
The exact date that professional attorneys came into existence is unknown,
although the first complaints about them were recorded in the twelfth century.
Two thirds of the world's lawyers are located right here in the United States.
This has led, in some quarters, to occasional suggestions for a new export
product.
Why are there more flies in Cairo than lawyers in Washington?
Amswer: Cairo got first choice.
Almost 37 percent of the U. S. House of Representatives and 53 percent of the U.
S. Senate are comprised of lawyers. It's like buying chicken wire from the fox
- a Full Employment Act for lawyers.
John Naisbitt, writing in Megatrends, asserts that "Lawyers are like beavers:
They get in the mainstream and damn it up.
Forbes magazine recently reported an incident whereby a man attempted to kill
himself by jumping in front of a subway car in New York; however, having failed,
he won a $650,000 judgement from New York City because the train hit him.
The Denver Post may have been on to more than it realized when it reported, "...
the former Deputy Attorney General said the bar has never been so successful in
serving the poor.
Marlene T. Sipes, a Columbia S.C. lawyer, was suspended for a year in March by
the state supreme court on charges that she pocketed $1,819 in 1986 from her
daughter's Girl Scout troop cookie fund.
Talk is cheap...until lawyers get involved.
I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but
my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
From "Book Of Anecdotes", a story told of former President and General, U.S.
Grant:
Undistinguished and often shabby in appearance, Ulysses S. Grant did not
recommend himself to strangers by looks. He once entered an inn at Galena,
Illinois, on a stormy winter's night. A number of lawyers, in town for a court
session, were clustered around the fire. One looked up as Grant appeared and
said, "Here's a stranger, gentlemen, and by the looks of him he's travelled
through hell itself to get here."
"That's right," said Grant cheerfully.
"And how did you find things down there?"
"Just like here," replied Grant, "lawyers all closest to the fire."
If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?
- Calvin Trillin
4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers,
they wouldn't need ANY aspirin.
A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth
wedding.
"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"
"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot
be."
"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do
was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it
tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this
time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic
car accident ended their lives.
When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to
be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still
desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have
to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They
were married in a simple ceremony.
So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time,
that eternity was best not spent together.
They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever,
but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we
can get divorced?"
"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a
priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"
From Orson Bean:
A lawyer shows up at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, "Normally we don't
let you people in here but you're in luck, we have a special this week. You go
to hell for the length of time you were alive, then you get to come back up here
for eternity."
The lawyer says, "I'll take the deal."
St. Peter says, "Good, I'll put you down for 212 years in hell ..."
The lawyer says, "What are you talking about? I'm 65 years old!"
St. Peter says, "Up here we go by billing hours."
Mark Twain was at a dinner party where he gave one of his customary after-
dinner speeches. When he had finished a prominent lawyer stood up, shoved his
hands in his pockets and said, "Doesn't it strike this company as unusual that a
professional humorist should be so funny?"
Mark Twain came back with, "Doesn't it strike this company as unusual that a
lawyer should have both hands in his own pockets?"
On CNN: The outlook for the economy is so bad that the mob in New Jersey just
laid off 3 judges.
A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of
having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want
a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security
lowers your stress and is good for your health.
The mathematician says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that
when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're
with your wife, you can do some mathematics.
"My daddy is a movie actor, and sometimes he plays the good guy, and sometimes
he plays the lawyer." - Malcolm Ford, to his preschool classmates on what his
father, actor Harrison Ford, does for a living.
A tradesman of Windham, Connecticut, having occasion to boil a number of
cattle's feet, threw the bones at the back of the courthouse. An attorney asked
what bones they were? A bystander replied that he believed them to be client's
bones, as they were well picked. (Wheeler's North-American Calendar for 1793)
Legaldegook
For Tax Laws Caught In A Time Warp
"The provisions of the preceding sentence shall not be applicable with respect
to the taxable year beginning January 1, 1975, or any succeeding taxable year
which begins before January 1, 1980; and, for purposes of such sentence, January
1, 1980, shall be deemed to be the first January 1 occurring after January 1,
1974, and consecutive taxable years in the period commencing January 1, 1980,
shall be determined as if the taxable year which begins on January 1, 1980, were
the taxable year immediately succeeding the taxable year which began on January
1, 1974." - Internal Revenue Code 3302(c)(2)(C)
Sesquipedality Award For Most Splendiferous Display Of Highfalutin' Vocabulary
"The evidentiary record consisting of a four (4) day trial is gargantuan,
elephantine, and Brobdingnagian... It would be hebetudinous and obtuse to fail
to be cognizant of the adverse consequences of a ruling in this case. However,
a decision by the court should not be infected with pusillanimity and timidity.
The karma of this case must not be aleatory or adventitious, but a pellucid and
transpicuous analysis of the law and facts... With certitude and intrepidity
and hopefully, with some degree of sagacity, sapience, and perspicaciousness,
this court disposes of the relevant and germane issues. Autochthonously, this
court bifurcates the issues for decisional purposes. The primigenial issue is
whether a new trial should be granted. The court comes to this infrangible,
ineluctable, and adamantine conclusion that defendant's motion for a new trial
absolutely must be denied. The French phrase 'pas du tout' is applied in
rejecting the defendant's argument... I find defendant's degree of culpability
to be magnitudinous and megatherine." - Circuit Judge Ralph Anderson, of South
Carolina.
The defendant's lawyer in a murder case whispered to the foreman of the jury,
"It's worth $10,000 to my client if you can arrange a verdict of second degree
manslaughter."
Sure enough, this was the verdict arrived at, so the lawyer visited the
foreman later, thanked him, and paid him the money. The foreman said, "It
wasn't easy. All the others wanted an acquittal."
From "The Exploits of the Incomparable Mullah Nasrudin" by Indries Shah, The
Octagon Press Ltd., London, 1983 as quoted in "Qualitative Evaluation and
Research Methods" by Michael Quinn Patton, Sage Publications, 1990. Reprinted
without permission.
A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all
crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were
all shouting. "Give me your hand!" but the man would not reach up. Mulla
Nasrudin elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend,"
he asked, "what is your profession?"
"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man.
"In that case," said Nasrudin, "take my hand!"
The man immediately grasped the Mulla's hand and was hauled to safety.
Nasrudin turned to the amazed bystanders. "Never ask a tax man to give you
anything, you fools."
A despondent and mathematically challenged filer called I.R.S. late on April
15th and asked, "I have started filling out my 1040 EZ and I am getting a
negative number? Does this mean I will get a refund?
The I.R.S. agent asked, "Sir, how is it that you are getting a negative
number?"
The caller replied, "The form says 'subtract line 8 from line 7.' Isn't 7
minus 8 equal to -1?"
When I worked for the Infernal Revenue (Dis)Service (about 15 years ago), a
bunch of us pooled our paychecks (after withholding) and bought a money order
for $1.49. Then we wrote up an *obviously* phony AMENDED return in the name of
"Hu Flung Dung, #2 Cresent Moon Drive, Pottyville, NY" and submitted it with a
letter saying that the "taxpayer" had found an error in his calculations and was
making amends. As if that weren't funny enough, when the IRS receives an
amended return *with money*, they are required, by their own rules, to continue
searching *until they find the original*. Forever. Across the entire country.
(They're probably still looking.)
To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country.
We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the
board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the
inside of the top of the box. - Jerry Seinfeld
This was printed in the San Francisco Examiner, April 16, 1989. The poet is
anonymous because, to quote the IRS spokesman, "anything that's sent to the IRS
is classified as confidential."
I think that I shall never see
a tax form plain e-nough for me.
A form that I can understand
without a lawyer near at hand
to guide this poor benighted me
so I won't owe a pen-al-ty.
A form that I will not detest
or take as more than awful jest.
A form with pages I can read
and fill out ea-si-ly with speed.
Such forms weren't made for fools like me
Nor even God, who made a tree.
An in-house IRS study revealed in February that the agency loses two million tax
returns and related documents annually. One employee said that when preparing
for audits, he routinely requests taxpayers' files from the state agencies
because they are more likely to have the documents.
A recent addition to the IRS employee manual makes clear that the agency would
continue to operate and to collect taxes immediately after any national
emergency - "especially resulting from nuclear attack."
From the Miami Herald:
Depending on your profession, it appears that breasts can qualify as business
assets - and depreciable ones at that.
Indiana exotic dancer Cynthia S. Hess, aka "Chesty Love", claimed a $2,088
deduction in 1988 for depreciation on the surgical implants that enlarged her
bust to size 56FF.
Special Trial Judge Joan Seitz Pate of U.S. Tax Court has allowed the
deduction, ruling that the implants did indeed increase Hess' income and that
the breasts are so large and cumbersome, about 10 pounds each, that they make
her appear "freakish" and she couldn't derive personal benefit from them.
From the television show "Frasier," a dialogue between Frasier
and Niles, brothers and fellow psychiatrists:
Frasier: I hate lawyers.
Niles: I do too, but they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health
insurance and they never get better.
My accountant recently sent me a thick wad of photocopied pages about the IRS's
position on home offices, in which I (really, truly) found the following
startling bit.
From _Federal Tax Coordinator_ 2d, 2/18/93-73, pp. 34,052B - 34,053,
Section L-1311, "Residence Used for Business" [footnotes omitted]:
Even though a taxpayer may have to do part of her work at home, if another
location was her principal place of business, a deduction will be denied. Thus,
where taxpayer who ran a hot dog stand had to prepare meats, stews, and soups at
home because the stand wasn't big enough, the Tax Court denied a deduction
because sales, which produced her income, and final packaging for consumption,
took place at the hot dog stand.
A pharmacist whose rented premises couldn't be expanded to include an office
couldn't get a deduction for his home office.
A nurse-anesthetist who rendered service to patients only at hospitals couldn't
get a deduction, even though he had to do his record keeping, billing, and
professional reading at home.
An emergency room doctor who treated patient at a hospital 35 hours a week was
denied deductions for a home office where he performed related tasks 5 hours a
week.
[In the next 8 paragraphs, home office deductions are denied to a housing court
judge, a professional actor, a contractor, someone with muffler repair and
airplane leasing businesses, an office worker whose employer supplied her with
home office equipment, airline pilots, an engineer, and a licensed real estate
person. We finally come to our lone success...]
A drug dealer was entitled to a home office deduction with respect to a portion
of his apartment where it was his only place of business and he made substantial
use of it in his dealings in amphetamines, cocaine, and marijuana.
Perhaps I'm in the wrong business?
- Lauren Ruth Wiener, writer
Courthouse officials in Durham,N.C., suspect that in February 1994, a
disgruntled lawyer or lawyers stole a big stack of brochures that explained how
battered women could obtain court orders against their husbands without
resorting to a lawyer.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had
attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision,
which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram
to his client, reading: "Justice has triumphed!" The client wired back:
"Appeal
at once!"
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of
eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful woman.
"What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and
that
lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his
pitchfork, the escorting Satan snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's
punishment?"
A lawyer was asked if he like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he
hadn't seen the accident, but would still be interested in taking the case.
The lawyer wandered home at 3 A.M. His wife became very upset, telling him,
"You're late! You said you'd be home by 11:45!" The lawyer replied, "I'm
right
on time. I said I'd be home by a quarter of twelve."
There is this guy that is standing in the line at the supermarket and this
quirky looking guy waltzes up behind him. This second guy starts massaging the
first guy's sholders. The first guy turns around and gives the second guy a
dirty look. A few minutes later, the second guy starts massaging the first
guy's sholders again.
The first guy turns around and says, "Hey, I don't know what the hell you
think you are doing, but quit it!"
The second guy replies, "Well, I'm a chiropractor and I thought you needed
it."
The first guy says, "Yea, so...I'm a lawyer and you don't see me screwing the
guy in front of me!"
Two women who hadn't seen each other for a while met at the mall. One said
to the other, "Agnes, it's been so long. I heard you even got married."
"Yes," the second said, "I married a lawyer, and an honest man, too!"
"Hmmm," said the first woman, "Isn't that bigamy?"
A man was prosecuted. The judge asked him, "Don't you need a lawyer?" To which
he replies, "No, I don't need any, I'm going to tell the truth."
Sue U. University
Law School for the Ethically Disadvantaged
666Ambulance Chase
Sue Sainte Marie, Michigan
Applicant Type:
[ ] ethically disadvantaged
[ ] disbarred
[ ] kicked out of other law school
[ ] bribe enclosed
[ ] regular (give us a break)
Name:______________________
Alias:_____________________
Cell #:____________________
a) Please submit documents indicating your ethical disadvantage
(i.e., acquittals, newspaper cuttings, prison or parole records, etc.):
--------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------
b) Identify the years when your ethical disadvantage adversely affected your
academic achievements (i.e. time served, time on the lam, etc.):
--------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------
c) Please give lack-of-character references (i.e., defaulted creditors,
probation officer, arresting police officer, sentencing judge, etc.):
--------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------
Course Calendar
Legal Ethics: Cancelled due to lack of interest.
Soviet Law Reform: Cancelled.
Tort Law: Sue the bastards!
Military Law: Bang!
Entertainment Law: Snort!
Law of the Seas: Barf!
Taxation Law: Zzz...
Criminal Law: Plead the Fifth!
Immigration Law: Spam the net!
Environmental Law: Cough, Couch, Hack!
Scholarships
Richard Milhous Nixon Memorial Award: Awarded to the law student who has stolen
the most final law exams without getting caught.
Castles, Rooks & Crooks Entrance Scholarship: Token scholarship awarded by mega
law firm to keep a high business profile in the academic community while
obtaining a tax break at the same time.
Cancer & Seagull Spam Award: Awarded to the law student who disrupts Internet
the most on a global scale.
Please note that the above scholarships are based on Financial Greed.
A lawyer is doing a cross examination of the defendant.
Lawyer says, "Now, isn't it true that on the 5th of November last year, you
rode naked through the streets on top of a dustcart, letting off fireworks, and
singing 'I did it my way' loudly?"
Defendant asks, "What was the date again?"
From a T-shirt, copyright 1993, Jack Thomas, ex-attorney:
Warning Signs That You Need A New Lawyer:
You met him in prison.
All his law books are from Time-Life.
During your initial consultation, he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
During the trial, you catch him playing with his Gameboy.
He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
A prison guard is shaving your head.
Here are some books I found in the law library:
"Medicine and Surgery for Lawyers" by A.J. Buzzard
"A Question of Justice" by M. Crook
"Game Laws for 1917" by G.A. Lawyer
"Justice in the States" by W.F. Swindler
"EEC Strict Liability in 1992" by D.E. THIEFfry
