Light    Bulbs

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Q. How many Poles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Five-one to hold the bulb in the socket and stand on a table
and the other four to rotate the table.
(This is the grandparent of all light bulb jokes, so it heads the list
You can use it against any group you want to stereotype as dumb).

Q. How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for
publication so St. Jude may grant the light bulb request, one to say the
Last Rites for the old light bulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into
the house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the
abortion of the old light bulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and
spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen
Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new light bulb
(and the Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as a gift on St.
Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food,
twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything
else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to
screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in,
and the Monsignor to bless it.

Q. How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb.

Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb.
Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave
the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.

Q. How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 21, one to hold the bulb and 20 to drink until the room spins.

Q. How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. 1. She stands on the ladder and waits for the world to revolve around her.
A. What's a light bulb?

Q. How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 53. You got a problem with that, buddy?
A. 65
-Why 65 ?
I don't know, it's in the contract.

Q. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two..............IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT?????!!!!???
A. One. AND THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT IT!
A. 11. 1 to change the light bulb and 10 to form a support group!
A. 7.
1 to change the light bulb.
3 to protest the offense committed by the light bulb in regards to the socket.
2 to secretly wish they were the socket.
1 to secretly wish she was the light bulb.
A. 100-one to do it and the other 99 to say that the bulb screwer does not represent mainstream feminism in doing so.

Q. How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Five-one to do it and the other four to sit around and discuss how it's so much more gratifying than a man.
A. Two, one to do it and one to make a video documentary about it.

Q: How many orgy attenders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as possible, and don't *ask* what they do with the old bulb.

Q: How many phone perverts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: GASP GASP The interesting thing PANT here is what GASP are they wearing when they do it? GASP GASP AHH AHHHHHhhh

Q. How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three, but they're really one.

Q. How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three, one to call the cleaning lady and two to feel guilty about it.

Q. How many Lubavitcher Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Dark? Who says it's dark? Wait a few minutes and it'll get real bright!

Q. How many Bratslaver Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. They will never find another bulb that burns as brightly as the old one.

Q. How many Satmar Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Umm, sorry, a man has to do that, it's beyond the capability of a woman.

Q. How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.

Q. How many Satanists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Light bulb? He prefers black candles.

Q. How many people does it take to change a light bulb for one Jewish mother?
A. None. "Don't worry about your mother. You go have a good time. I'll just sit here in the dark, again. Alone."

Q. How many Jewish Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. What? And wreck my nails?
A. Two. One to get the diet Cokes out of the fridge and the other to call Daddy.

Q. How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her
friends about it.

Q. How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One, but don't expect results.

Q. How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss
secretary's sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop
steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew's
best friend did it real cheap for me once.

Q. How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb last rites.

Q. How many priests does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, priests can't screw.

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to do it and one not to.
A: "One to change and one not to change" is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
A: Zen Masters don't need light bulbs because they carry their own light with them.
A: Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the novice.
A: A tree in a golden forest.

Q. How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, one to screw it in and one not to screw it in.
A. Zen masters carry their own inner light.

Q. How many Hari Krishnas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around, play the tambourine, chant, and sing.

Q. How many Mormons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Six, one to screw it in and the other five to serve refreshments.

Q. How many fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. THE BIBLE DOES *NOT* SAY *ANYTHING* ABOUT LIGHT BULBS!!!!

Q. How many Branch Davidians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, they provide their own illumination.
A. Nine, one to do it and the other eight to find a leg for him to stand on.

Q. How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None-there weren't any light bulbs in the 13th century.

Q. How many EST followers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Fifty. Everybody takes turns trying to screw it in while the leader
tells them all what rotten bulb screwers they are. No one is allowed
to go to the bathroom during the entire procedure.

Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists don't believe in light bulbs.

Q. How many agnostics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Agnostics question whether light bulbs really exist.

Q. How many missionaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One, and thirty natives to see the light.

Q. How many Boulderites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Boulderites don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

Q. How many Ann Arborites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, they just start a "Coping With Darkness" support group.

Q. How many Beverly Hills residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, they have a service come in and do that.

Q. How many small-town people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, one to do it and a cop to make sure he isn't doing it too fast.

Q. How many suburbanites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block.

Q. How many residents of country towns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, they're afraid there's been too much development already.

Q. How many people about to move out of the city does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. They don't bother, the neighborhood's been turning black anyway.

Q. How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Four-one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to
drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his
crack pipe while he does it.

Q. How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 3.
-Why 3?
IT JUST DOES, OK!!!!!!!!!

Q: How many social scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They do not change light bulbs. They search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.

Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one. But it takes a long time, and the bulb has to really want to change.

Q. How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. How long have you been having this phantasy?
A. How many do *you* think it takes?

Q. How many Lacanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three-one to do it, one to desire it, and the ignorant Other.

Q: How many paranoids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: WHO WANTS TO KNOW?

Q: How many schizophreniacs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, he thinks it's five but as we all now it's only him, so...

Q: How many people with multiple personality disorder does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but they're really three.

Q: How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.

Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20%
of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences
of non-blank characters separated by blanks".

Q: How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.

Q: How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?
A: Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

Q: How many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Huh?...What? Oh, it's dark in here?

Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It depends on the way the bulb is threaded.
A: Two-fifty
A: One, to be dying of cancer and request that everybody around the world send him light bulbs so he can get into the Guinness Book of World Records.
A: One, who'll do it for food.
A: Furrfu!
A: One, to have a drink with a strange woman in a bar and pass out,
wake up three days later in a seedy hotel room, find a scar on his
back, and realize where the light bulb went.
A: Derek Tearne, to confirm that the bulb turns the same way in the southern hemisphere in spite of the Coriolis Effect (which is actually pretty negligible).

Q: How many alt.conspiracy readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to do it, one to insist that the CIA was responsible for the
old bulb burning out, one to blame it on the Illuminati, one to blame
the TLC/CFR/Bilderberg group, Steve Crocker to say that Lyndon
LaRouche predicted the bulb would someday burn out whereas the
British-dominated establishment was telling us the bulbs would never
need to be replaced, Ted Frank to tell everyone they're full of it,
and several other people to insist that Ted is a member of the CFR.

Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100-one to announce that it burned out, 10 to agree, 20 to come
running in with new light bulbs and screw them in, 9 to screw them in
and leave the old bulb in, 10 to ask for a videotape of the screwing,
another one to come in a few minutes later and notice the bulb went
out again and start the whole process over again

Q: How many rec.humor.funny readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 50. They all stand out in the hall while Maddi comes out every once
in a while and looks at all the light bulbs people have brought.
Finally she selects a few. They're all quite feeble and burn out
after a few minutes, so she comes out for more. But she selects more
dim bulbs, which causes great discontent among the people who have
brought really bright, long-lasting bulbs.

Q: How many alt.sex.stories readers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Cindy fondled the burnt-out bulb whilst beads of sweat glistened on
her perfectly rounded breast... Her brother Billy had gone to the
hardware store to get a new light bulb. Suddenly the door opened and
there he stood...Silhouetted against the sharp light from the
doorway she could see the bulge in his pants.. "They didn't have any
light bulbs but wait'll you get a load of my hardware", he said as he
started unzipping his pants...

Q: How many "Changing light bulbs"-joke writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two hundred, and don't ask why because they haven't figured that out yet.

Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon.
A: One, but you have to replace the whole motherboard.

Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just redefine "darkness" as the industry standard.

Q: How many Microsoft technical support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.

Q: How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there is a programmer around to explain how to do it.

Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

Q: How many pygmies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least three (height???)

Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There's a primitive for that.

Q: How many software designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's a hardware problem.
A: Two-one always leaves the company in the middle of a big project.
A: One, but if he changes it the whole building will fall down.

Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem, dude.
A: None, they just have marketing sell the burnt-out bulb as a feature.
A: We'll fix it in software.
A: None. They always work in the dark.

Q: How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can
decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar
one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one
come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely
out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new
and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that
that new bulb is shipping with a virus.

Q: How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the electrician before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on.

Q: How many computer science students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None; they're all too busy hacking.

Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
A: None-just assume it's changed.

Q: How many carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fuck you! That's the electrician's job.

Q: How many disgruntled former postal workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to shoot the old bulb out of the socket and the other to hide under a desk with the new bulb.

Q: How many art museum visitors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to say "My four-year old could do that".

Q: How many homeowners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the hardware store.

Q: How many sport fishermen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five, and you should've seen the light bulb! It must have been *this* big.

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

Q: How many poets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to curse the darkness and one to light a candle.

Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Tell me how it goes, big daddy, and I'll try to fake it.
A: Eighteen, one to do it and seventeen in on the guest list.

Q: How many rock guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100-one to do it and 99 to say "Aww, I could've done that".

Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are trying to elbow him out of the spotlight.

Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to light a candle and say it's just as good as electric light.
A: Light bulbs? C'mon, I got sunlight, fluorescent, candles-anything you want.

Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he has to do it three times.

Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to do it and two to argue about whether that was the way Bill Monroe would have done it.

Q: How many folk musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 40-one to do it and 39 to complain that it's electric.

Q: How many country musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five, one to do it and four to sing about how much they're going to miss the old one.

Q: How many blues musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to go to Chicago because there might be a light bulb there, and the other to play harp.

Q: How many sound crewmembers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ONE CHECK ONE TWO TWO CHECK.
A: I don't do lights, that's the light crew's job.

Q: How many Deadheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine-one to do it, four to tape it, and four to sell homemade tie-dye clothing, pottery, and drugs out in the parking lot.

Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind.

Q: How many CD player users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stustustustustustustustustustuck

Q: How many LP player users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck... getting stuck... getting stuck...

Q: How many folklorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten-one to do it and nine to document it.

Q: How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four, and you have to walk them through it a few times.

Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so it'll be architecturally accurate.

Q: How many jugglers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he uses at least three bulbs.

Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.

Q: How many Generals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel.

Q: How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity anymore.

Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.

Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it.

Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.

Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team, and they all get three credits each for it.

Q: How many pro football players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to recover the fumble.

Q: How many body builders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six, one to do it and five to stand around and say "Man, you've got such awesome muscles. You're so cut."

Q: How many figure skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to knock the ladder out from under her.

Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Like...hey, WOOOOW, man, it's *dark*!

Q: How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.

Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes twelve steps.
A: One, as long as he admits he's powerless over light bulbs.
A: One to screw it in and one to sponsor him.

Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends whether the switch is on or off.

Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?
A: Eno.

Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.

Q: How many bureaucrats/civil servants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
A: 2. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.
A: Four. One to screw it in and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is
incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be
continued next week. Meanwhile...

Q: How many ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. Four to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, and.....

Q: How many referral agents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and observe how the light bulb itself
symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality
in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward
a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Q: How many Bratzlaver Hasidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find a bulb that burns as brightly as the old one.

Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.

Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old one was.

Q: How many military information officers doed it take to change a light bulb?
A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best
interests of military strategy to divulge information of such
a statistical nature. Next question, please.

Q: How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to
establish the state production quota, two hundred militia
to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb,
and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an
American light bulb.

Q: How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey
invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and
one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating
Station.

Q: How many environmentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If the light bulb is out, that's the way Nature intended it!

Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.

Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking.
A: Five. One to screw it in and four to screw it up.

Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
A: Four; one to do it and three to complain that the old bulb was a lot better.

Q: How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark.

Q: How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.

Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter; they think that all the available bulbs won't light up.

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
A: None, they only screw the poor

Q: How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.

Q: How many Victorians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We do not discuss this with ladies and children present.

Q: How many dysfunctional family members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Light bulb? What light bulb?

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
A: One, but he's never around when you need him.
A: Three, one to do it, one to direct traffic and one to say "Show's over, nothing left to see here, folks, move along."

Q: How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six-one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.

Q: How many BATF agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four hundred to attempt to seize the old bulb and then surround the house when it rebuffs them.
A: It doesn't matter, they just burn down the house.

Q: How many NASA technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seventy, and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally get
around to it the weather's bad so they postpone it till next week.
The light bulb costs 3 million dollars.

Q: How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I don't know, but I can look it up for you.

Q: How many cataloguers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but the Library of Congress has to do it first.

Q: How many firefighters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three-one to do it and two to cut a hole through the roof.

Q: How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way
100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper
praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub instead.

Q: How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seven - two to administer the Civil Service examination for the Light
Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, who then
hires his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the mayor's
driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and a Union
steward to protest that its the electrician's job to screw in
light bulbs.

Q: How many lumberjacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he uses a chainsaw.

Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.

Q: How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the bulb-changer, one to design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the bulb.

Q: How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and screw itself in.

Q: How many NBC news producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he
turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of
the report despite the manipulation.

Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: To get to the other side.
A: Potato.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to twist balloons into unusual shapes and the other to fill a bathtub with brightly colored bicycles.

Q: How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four; one to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds
of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue
light bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the
socket and fill the room with light while all the critics
and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against
the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel
(what goes clink-clink-clink, ow-woooo?)

Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One.

Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a big load of light bulbs!

Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
A: It only takes one to change your bulb...to his.
A: None, lawyers only screw us.
A: Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to really screw a bulb...
A: 65-42 to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power,
or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out
in the first place, 14 to sue the electrician who wired the house,
and 9 to sue the bulb manufacturers.
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to
object one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate
a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards,
one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one
to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to
bill for professional services.


Q: How many Supreme Court Justices does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to dissent
one to concur in part and dissent in part with the plurality opinion,
and the last to concur with the dissenters in part.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q: How many running dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to oppress the proletariat and another to seize the means of production.

Q: How many Leninists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Leninists don't change light bulbs, they change the entire system.

Q: How many Spartacists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: YOU CANNOT *CHANGE* A LIGHT BULB!

Q: How many Hegelians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, of course. One stands at one end of the room and argues that it
isn't dark; the other stands across from him and says that true
light is impossible. This dialectic creates a synthesis when the
bulb gets screwed in.

Q: How many Platonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, to leave the darkness of the cave and see the sun.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Q: How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Why does it *have* to be changed?

Q: How many movie actresses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but you should've seen the line outside the producer's hotel room.

Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last light bulb was much better.

Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in
time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the
other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major
time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all
was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.

Q: How many creatures from Altair VII does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Though he will break the new bulb, the glow from his fingerprints will provide a quite nice illumination.

Q: How many alien life forms does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Yeah, wouldn't the guys at SETI like to know *that*!

Q: How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.

Q: How many martians (mutants) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two and a half.

Q: How many standup comedians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You know what bugs me about light bulbs? The other night I was flying
cross country and the stewardess started telling me about her cat.
Man, I hate people who don't use their turn signals. Hey, how about
an impression? Here's Jack Nicholson doing Tony Curtis in drag
imitating Marlon Brando screwing in a light bulb. FEEEEEELINGS....

Q: How many New Historicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Historical forces will do it. The bulb-screwer is a relatively modern invention.

Q: How many deconstructionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter. Even if the bulb is screwed in, it will always be
flickering, however faintly, so it really hasn't worked. It is
incapable of delivering uninterrupted light.

Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
A: Only one. Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?"

Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None o' yo' fuckin' business!
A: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
A: Two-one to get murdered under the burnt-out bulb and the other to replace it after the ensuing publicity.

Q: How many polite, considerate native New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.

Q: How many Torontonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fifty-one to do it and the other forty-nine to proclaim it's the greatest event in the history of creation, a truly world-class bulb-screwing.
A: One, but he leaves the old bulb in the parking lot of the Walden
Galleria.

Q: How many Rochester residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fifty one - one to screw in the bulb, and fifty to comment about how much better the bulb is than light bulbs in Buffalo.

Q: How many Buffalonians does it take to screw a in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to get the new bulb out of the snowbank, and another to screw it in.

Q: How many Harvard undergraduates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, to hold it in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around him.
A: None, they're bright enough already.

Q: How many boarding school students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they have their parents do it for them.

Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There is nothing to change.

Q: How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fuck it, we're all gonna die anyway.

Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. People who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oooh, like manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! Fer shure!

Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
A: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.

Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One.
A: Two-one to fix martinis and one to call the electricians.

Q: How many African Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink Cadillac in tight circles.
A: Four hundred to march on the power company and threaten to burn it down if they don't hire some African Americans to do it.

Q: How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around solemnly and watch the old bulb burn.

Q: How many holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first place.

Q. How many Arabs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it took three U.S. advisors to tell them that it was burnt out in the first place.

Q. How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Six-four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.

Q: How many terrorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to claim responsibility in phone call to the news media.

Q: How many Shiites does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four: one to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to
Beirut airport one to hold press conferences, and one to
negotiate with Israel and the US for the release of fluorescent
bulbs held in hostage around the world!!

Q. How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two-one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in.

Q. How many system administrators does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, they just keep everyone out of the room.

Q. How many homosexuals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three, one to screw in an Art Deco bulb and two to shriek "Fabulous!"
A. None, they get screwed in the ass instead.

Q. How many homophobes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. First, they can't be sure the socket's feminine, and second, they'd really rather the bulbs stayed in the closet where they belong.

Q. How many real men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark.

Q: How many real women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. A real woman would have plenty of real men around to do it.

Q. How many assholes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Assholes never see the light.

Q: How many sorority members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.

Q. How many sorority pledges does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Sixty. One to change the bulb, 59 to clap and sing.

Q. How many fraternity/sorority members does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to change the bulb, and four to make T-shirts.

Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
A: Three. One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.

Q. How many off-campus landlords does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. The students will just wreck it, anyhow, so why bother?

Q. How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One, but 200 had to apply for the job.

Q. How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. As many as will fit in the El Camino.

Q. How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. We don't know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport.

Q. How many Native Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, they have council fires instead.

Q. How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve
the problem,
one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into
French,
one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians
have been overlooked, eh?
one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women
to say that women have been underrepresented in the process,
one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall
and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back,
one to actually screw it in, eh?
one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can
afford it,
one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink,
and one to drop the puck, eh?
(12 altogether)

Q: How many Canadian sex murderers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: [punchline forbidden on Canadian newsservers by publication ban; e-mail list maintainer]

Q: How many Newfies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to bite the old bulb out of the socket and the other to hammer the new bulb in.

Q. How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just *fine*.

Q. How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first.

Q. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
A. Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.

Q. How many Argentinians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Nine thousand-after all, it's *their* light bulb.

Q. How many hamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but they have to be very small.

Q. How many gerbils does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Shove it up your ass!

Q. How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but you have to get them in there.

Q. How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two-one to do it and one to cross the road.

Q. How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. As many as is necessary to make a pile high enough to reach the bulb.

Q. How many light bulbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One, if it knows its own Goedel number.

Q. How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.

Q. How many Denver Broncos does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One, unless it was a blow out, then all of them show up. (also Buffalo Bills)

Q. How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses.

Q. How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. 15-One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say that
someone hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it, one to do an
intense examination of the film and conclude that a) it was tampered
with and b) it proves that the first screwer did not act alone, one
to insist that the bulb was altered after it was unscrewed, three
tramps to walk across the room an hour later, one to insist LBJ
really screwed the bulb in, and one to accuse all the others of being
disinformation specialists.

Q: How many college students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I dunno, I forgot my calculator at home.

Q: How many first-year engineering students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, that's a second-year subject.

Q: How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 light bulbs a day.
A: One, but it takes twelve years.

Q: How many research professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well if I get the grant...

Q: How many teaching professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Let's see: 2 A+'s, 3 A's, 5 A-'s, 11 B+'s, 9 B's, 21 B-'s...
A: It doesn't matter. They won't actually do anything until they get a graduate student to do it.

Q: How many Chinese students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twelve: one to screw in the light bulb, one to sit in the jail, and ten to demonstrate on the streets.

Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten thousand to give it a Cultural Revolution.

Q: How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight Darkness!"

Q: How many kindergarden kids does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, two, three... Mummy! can I use my toes?

Q: How many technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oh, we have a graduate student here. He can fix it.

Q: How many spies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Why bother?

Q: How many Soviet leaders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.
A: We don't know. Light bulbs live longer than Soviet leaders.

Q: How many KGB agents does it take to screw in alight bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and the other to check for bugs.

Q: How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MY GOD!! IT BURNT OUT!! SELL ALL MY G.E. STOCK NOW!!!!!
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.

Q: How many Paul Daniels does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. And that's magic.

Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends on what you want to change it into.

Q: How many "Blue Peter" presenters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to show you how you can make an intersting Christmas tree ornament out of the old one.
A: One to make the new bulb out of an empty bleach bottle.

Q: How many alchemists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Into what?

Q: How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb.
A: None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.

Q: How many astronomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Dark? What's wrong with the dark?

Q: How many big black 1 x 4 x 9 monoliths does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: As many as necessary.
A: 2001
A: None. Light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.

Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later.
A: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
A: None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.

Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.

Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.

Q: How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just paint them black and go on using them.

Q: How many talk show hosts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from the audience.

Q: How many reporters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he'll tell everybody about it.

Q: How many Communists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.
A: Two, one to do it and one to pass out pamphlets.

Q: How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
A: Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....

Q: How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs,
and then they wonder why it's still so dark. Meanwhile, a lot
of people get hurt because they can't see.

Q: How many NRA members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 3-One to give up the old bulb when they pry it from his cold dead
fingers, one to screw it in and pose for an "I'm the NRA" ad while
doing so, and one to complain about the waiting period.
A: Two, one to do it and the other one to get his dick out of the gun.

Q: How many pro-lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to insist that the bulb was lit when the screwing began.
A: Nine-four to block the entrance to the room, four to hold up pictures
of burnt-out bulbs, and one to try and convince the person with the
new bulb to let the room stay dark.

Q: How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn't exist before it was lit up.

Q: How many babysitters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they don't make Pampers small enough.

Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Soviet emigres aren't afraid to sit in the dark.
A: One, and a lot of light bulbs.
A: Two. One to hold the bulb, one to drink vodka until the room spins.
A: Three. One to force the bulb in with a hammer, one to steal more bulbs, one to ask NYANA for a bigger hammer.
A: Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the chair by its legs, one to call an American and to ask which way to turn the chair.

Q: How many UN*X hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.

Q: How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Read the man page!

Q: How many Unix hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but you have to tell him that >2 or else he'll screw in new bulbs on top of old ones.

Q: How many VMS users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter, as long as you screw it in to a DEC socket.

Q: How many senior citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but she pays a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb.

Q: How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten-four to talk about how great it is that they've all come together
to do this, one to screw it in, one to film it for the news, one to
plan a marketing strategy based on it, one to reminisce about mass
naked bulb screwings in the '60s, one to watch reruns of '50s TV
shows, and one to play classic rock.

Q: How many Xers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to go and shoplift the bulb so the boomers have something to screw in and the other to screw it in for minimum wage.

Q: How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They like it in the dark.

Q: How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies.

Q: How many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. No, 2. No, 4. No, 8. No, 16. No, 32 ...

Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All of them.

Q: How many anglers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five, and you should've seen the lightbulb! It must have been
*this* big.

Q: How many Ann Arborites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just start a "Coping With Darkness" support group.

Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There's a primitive for that.

Q: How many Arabs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but it took three U.S. advisors to tell them that it
was burnt out in the first place.

Q: How many Argentinians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine thousand-after all, it's *their* light bulb.

Q: How many art museum visitors does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to say "My four-year old could do
that".

Q: How many Artificial Intelligence (AI) people does it take to
change a lightbulb?
A: At least 55: The problem space group (5) [One to define the
goal state, One to define the operators, One to describe the
universal problem solver, One to hack the production system, One
to indicate about how it is a model of human lightbulb changing
behaviour], The logical formalism group (16): [One to figure out
how to describe lightbulb changing in first order logic, One to
figure out how to describe lightbulb changing in second order
logic, One to show the adequacy of FOL, One to show the
inadequacy of FOL, One to show that lightbulb logic is
non-monotonic, One to show that it isn't non-monotonic, One to
show how non-monotonic logic is incorporated in FOL, One to
determine the bindings for the variables, One to show the
completeness of the solution, One to show the consistency of the
solution, One to show that the two just above are incoherent, One
to hack a theorem prover for lightbulb resolution, One to suggest
a parallel theory of lightbulb logic theorem proving, One to show
that the parallel theory isn't complete. ...ad infinitum (or
absurdum, as you will). ... One to indicate how it is a
description of human lightbulb changing behaviour, One to call
the electrician], The robotics group (10): [One to build a vision
system to recognize the dead bulb, One to build a vision system
to locate a new bulb, One to figure out how to grasp the
lightbulb without breaking it, One to figure out how to make a
universal joint that will permit the hand to rotate 360+ degrees,
One to figure out how to make the universal joint go the other
way, One to figure out the arm solutions that will get the arm to
the socket, One to organize the construction teams, One to hack
the planning system, One to get Westinghouse to sponsor the
research, One to indicate about how the robot mimics human motor
behaviour in lightbulb changing], The knowledge engineering group
(6): [One to study electricians' changing lightbulbs, One to
arrange for the purchase of the lisp machines, One to assure the
customer that this is a hard problem and that great
accomplishments in theory will come from his support of this
effort (The same one can arrange for the fleecing.), One to study
related research, One to indicate about how it is a description
of human lightbulb changing behaviour, One to call the lisp
hackers], The Lisp hackers (13): [One to bring up the chaos net,
One to adjust the microcode to properly reflect the group's
political beliefs, One to fix the compiler, One to make
incompatible changes to the primitives, One to provide the Coke,
One to rehack the Lisp editor/debugger, One to rehack the window
package, Another to fix the compiler, One to convert code to the
non-upward compatible Lisp dialect, Another to rehack the window
package properly, One to flame on BUG-LISPM, Another to fix the
microcode, One to write the fifteen lines of code required to
change the lightbulb], The Psychological group (5): [One to build
an apparatus which will time lightbulb changing performance, One
to gather and run subjects, One to mathematically model the
behaviour, One to call the expert systems group, One to adjust
the resulting system, so that it drops the right number of bulbs.

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