Limericks

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A lab tech with acute constipation
found relief through centrifugation.
At one thousand times mass,
his tool flew out his ass,
and he found both relief and elation.

A nervous old codger named Royce
couldn't control his sphincter by choice.
So he speedily strode
to his favorite commode,
blew his nose, blew his ass, and rejoiced.

There once was a man from Cape Horn
who wished that he'd never been born.
He wouldn't have been
if his father had seen
that the end of his condom was torn.

There was a young lady from Kew
who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
they'll pay to get out of it too!"

There once was a juggler named Drops
who couldn't hang on to his props.
He tossed 'em and heaved 'em,
then dropped and retrieved 'em,
Till the audience told him to stop.

There once was a woman named Jane
with a soft and pliable brain.
When she went to the pool
at her junior high school,
they used her to plug up the drain.

There once was a woman named Jane
whose face was exceedingly plain.
But down in her cellar,
she was a real live-heller,
so the boys came again and again.

There once was a man from Los Leaver
who had an affair with a beaver.
The results of that fuck
were a canvas-backed duck,
two canoes, and a golden retriever.

There once was a fellow named Dave
who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, "I would admit,
that I'm a bit of a shit,
but think of the money I save!"

There once was a young man named Dave
who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, "What the hell,
you get used to the smell,
and think of the money I save!"

There once was a man named Matt
who was short, bald, ugly, and fat.
I'm willing to bet,
the only pussy he gets
is when he goes home to his cat.

There once was a lad named Kevin
whose girlfriend was four foot eleven.
She looked at his cock
when it was hard as a rock,
and it was ten inches long...minus seven.

There once was a woman named Ann
who was said to be quite like a man.
When nature did call,
she ran down the hall,
and went to the gentleman's can.

There once was a baker named Sherm
who flavored his pastries with sperm.
He said, "What's the matter?"
As he mixed up his batter,
"I still use a spoon to stir'm."

There was a young gal from Montana
who had an affair with a banana.
She hugged it and squeezed it,
loved it and teased it, and said
"It tastes better than a mana."

There was a young girl from France
Who got on a train, by chance.
The engineer fucked her,
as did the conductor,
and the brakeman came in his pants.

There once was a barmaid named Gail
on whose chest were the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
for the sake of the blind,
was precisely the same, but in Braille.

Once a young woman named Alice
used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
in North Carolina,
and part of her anus in Dallas.

There was an old man of the Nile
who sharpened his nails with a file;
till he cut off his thumbs,
and said calmly, "This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!"

There was an old person of Cromer
who stood on one leg to read Homer.
When he found he grew stiff,
he jumped off the cliff,
which concluded that person of Cromer.

There was an old man on some rocks
who shut his wife up in a box.
When she said, "Let me out,"
He exclaimed, "Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box."

There was a young lady of Troy
whom several large flies did annoy.
Some she killed with a thump,
some she drowned at the pump,
and some she took with her to Troy.

A certain young gourmet of Crediton
took some pate de foie gras and spread it on
a chocolate biscuit.
Then murmured, "I'll risk it."
His tomb bears the date that he said it on.

There was an old party of Lyme
who married three wives at one time.
When asked, "Why the third?"
He replied, "One's absurd,
and bigamy, sir, is a crime!"

There was a young boy of Quebec
who fell into the ice to his neck.
When asked, "Are you friz?"
He replied, "Yes, I is.
But we don't call this cold in Quebec."

Beware of the limerick bore.
From a seemingly infinite store,
he trots out more verse
where the scansion gets worse,
but the subject's the same as before.

There once was a man from Nantucket
whose dick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
as he wiped of his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt, I'd fuck it."

There once was a man from Tasse
who's balls were made of brass.
In stormy weather,
they smacked together
and a lightning bolt shot out his ass.

In the Garden of Eden sat Adam
massaging the bust of his madam.
He chuckled with mirth,
for he knew that on earth,
there were only two boobs and he had 'em.

There was an old pirate named Bates
who was learning to rhumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
which rendered him nutless
and practically useless on dates.

There was a young man from Bellaire
who was screwing his girl on the stair.
But the banister broke,
so he doubled his stroke,
and finished her off in mid-air.

A pretty young lady named Vogel
once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole
nosed into her hole.
Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill.

A team playing baseball in Dallas
called the umpire blind out of malice.
While this worthy had fits,
the team made eight hits,
and a girl in the bleachers named Alice.

A bather whose clothing was strewed
by breezes that left her quite nude
saw a man come along
and, unless I'm quite wrong,
you expected this line to be lewd.

There was a young girl named Sapphire
who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
but now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
But another more sane,
Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.

There once was a hacker named Ken
who inherited truckloads of Yen.
So he built him some chicks
made of silicon chips,
and hasn't been heard from since then.

There once was a freshman named Lin
whose tool was as thin as a pin.
A virgin named Joan
from a Bible belt home
said, "This won't be much of a sin!"

There once was a couple named Kelley
who lived their life belly to belly.
Because in their haste,
they used Library Paste,
instead of Petroleum Jelly.

There once was a young man named Gene
who invented a screwing machine.
Concave and convex,
it served either sex,
and it played with itself in between.

A pretty young maiden from France
decided she'd "just take a chance".
She let herself go
for an hour or so,
and now all her sisters are aunts.

There was a young lady named Hall,
wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught fire,
and burned her entire
front page, sports section, and all.

There once was a poor man named Crocket
whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
so she cranked on the switch,
and Crocket took off like a rocket!

She stood on the bridge at midnight.
Her legs are like a quiver.
She gave a cough,
her legs fell off,
and floated down the river.

While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
She explained, "They are flat,
But think nothing of that -
You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."

A widow, who fancied a man some,
was diddled three times in a hansome.
When she clamored for more,
her young man became sore,
and exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."

He hated to mend, so young Ned
called in a cute neighbor instead.
Her husband said, "Oh my,
when you stitched up his torn fly,
did you have to bite off the thread?"

There was a gay countess of Bray,
and you may think it odd when I say,
that in spite of high station,
rank and education,
she always spelled cunt with a "k".

A wanton young lady from Wimley,
reproached for not acting quite primly,
said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
but it's such an entrancing facsimile."

There once was a lady from Exeter,
so pretty that men craned their necks at her.
One was even so brave
as to take out and wave
the distinguishing mark of his sex at her.

There was a young lady from Maine
who claimed she had men on her brain.
But you knew from the view,
as her abdomen grew,
it was not on her brain that he'd lain.

There was a young girl from Hong Kong
whose cervical cap was a gong.
She said with a yell,
as a shot rang her bell,
"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"

There was a young man from Hong Kong,
who had a trifurcated prong.
A small one for sucking,
a large one for fucking,
and a *honey* for beating a gong.

There was a young lady of Norway
who hung by her toes in a doorway.
She said to her beau,
"Just look at me Joe,
I think I've discovered one more way."

There once was a plumber named Lee
who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes I know, love, it's me."

There was a young girl from Devizes
who had breasts of different sizes.
One was small,
really nothing at all,
the other was huge and won prizes.

There once was a policeman of Munchen
whose penis one day ceased to function.
For the rest of his life,
he deceived his good wife
by the intelligent use of his truncheon.

(Maybe North Americans would not know that a truncheon is the stick carried by
British policemen)

I once met a lassie named Ruth
in a long distance telephone booth.
Now I know the perfection
of an ideal connection,
even if somewhat uncouth.

There was a young man of St. John's
who wanted to bugger the swans.
But the loyal hall porter
Said, "Pray take my daughter!
Those birds are reserved for the dons."

A worried young man from Stamboul
founds lots of red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic;
just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"

There was a young lady named Twiss
who said she thought fucking a bliss.
For it tickled her bum,
and caused her to come
siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW

There was a bluestocking in Florence
wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
till a Spanish grandee
got her off with his knee,
and she burned all her works with abhorrence.

There was a young lad name of Durcan
who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
His father said, "Durcan!
Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.

An architect fellow named Yoric
could, when feeling euphoric,
display for selection
three kinds of erection -
Corinthian, ionic, and doric.

A mathematician named Hall
has a hexahedronical ball.
And the cube of its weight
times his pecker's, plus eight
is his phone number - give him a call.

There was an old man from Australia
who painted his arse like a dahlia.
The colors were fine,
likewise the design,
the aroma, alas, was a failure.

The sea captain's tender young bride
fell in the sea at low tide.
You could tell by her squeals
that one of the eels
had found a dark little place to hide.

There once was a priest from Birmingham
who buggered three maids while confirming 'em.
While praying to God,
he excited his rod
and ended up putting his sperm in 'em.

There once was a man from Brewster
who said to his wife as he goosed her,
"It used to be grand,
but just look at my hand;
you ain't wipin as clean as you used ta."

There once was a man from Kent
whose cock was so long it was bent.
To stay out of trouble,
he stuck it in double,
and instead of coming, he went.

There once was a young man named Springer
who got his testicles caught in the wringer.
He hollered with pain,
as they rolled down the drain,
"There goes my career as a singer."

There once was a priest from Morocco
whose motto was really quite macho.
He said to me once,
"God decreed we eat cunts.
Why else would it look like a taco."

There once was a woman from Reno
Who lost all her money at keno.
She laid on her back,
and opened her crack,
and now she owns the casino.

There once was a man from Sydney
who could put it in up to her kidney.
Then a man from Quebec
got it up to her neck;
He had a big one, didn't he?

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
to get her poor dog a bone.
But when she got there,
the cupboard was bare.
So she went out and got him a pizza.
But when she bent over
to feed her poor Rover,
he gave her a bone of his own.

There was a young engineer named Miss Holt,
who had an assistant as spry as a Colt.
When she asked for a screw,
what did the young man do,
but offer her two nuts and a bolt.

There once was a girl named Hortence
whose breasts were very immense.
One day, while playing soccer,
out popped her left knocker,
and she kicked it right over the fence.

There once was an old man from Esser,
Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
It at last grew so small,
He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a College Professor.

A Scotsman who lived on the loch
had holes down the length of his cock.
He could get an erection,
and play a selection
of Johann Sebastian Bach.

There once was a fellow named Chris
whose love life was strangely amiss.
For even with Venus,
his recalcitrant penis
could seldom do better than
t
h
i
s.

There once was a man from Virginia
who committed sin after sin, yah
You could put up a fight
from morning till night
Twouldn't stop him from putting it in ya

There once was a young man from Boston
who drove a little red Austin.
There was room for his ass,
and a gallon of gas,
but his balls hung out and he lost them!

Lorena reacted quite bitterly
when John failed to service her clitorally.
Though he got a reprieve,
when his tool was retrieved,
when John jerks off now, sadly, it's literally.

There once was a girl from Decatur
who got laid by a big alligator.
Now, nobody knew
the result of that screw,
because after he laid her, he ate her.

There once was a man from Rangoon
who was born nine months too soon.
He hadn't the luck
to be born by a fuck;
He was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.

There was an old whore from Azores
whose cunt was all covered with sores.
The dogs in the street
wouldn't eat the green meat
that hung in festoons from her drawers.

A young Catholic layman named Fox
makes his living by sucking off cocks.
In fits of depression,
he goes to confession,
and jacks off the priest in the box.

A newlywed couple from Goshen
spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
In just 80 days,
they screwed 80 ways.
Imagine such fuckin' devotion!

A lissom psychotic named Jane
once kissed every man on a train;
Said she, "Please don't panic!
I'm just nymphomanic.
It wouldn't be fun were I sane."

Said Freud, "I've discovered the Id.
Of all your repressions be rid.
It won't ease the gravity
of all the depravity,
but you'll know why you did what you did."

There once was a woman named Bright
who could travel at near speed of light.
She left one day
in a relative way,
and returned on an earlier night.

There once was a couple named Kelly
who went through life belly to belly.
For once, in their haste,
they used library paste,
instead of petroleum jelly.

There once was a man, most unsavory,
who held the Bishop of Boston in slavery.
amidst hootings and howles,
he'd deflower young owls
which he kept in an underground aviary.

There once was a violinist named Cleo
who slept with a cellist named Leo.
As she took down her panties,
she said, "No andantes!"
"I want this allegro con brio!"

There was an old Scot named McAmeter
Who possessed a remarkable diameter!
But it wasn't the size
That opened their eyes,
T'was his rhythm: Trochaic Hexameter!

There once was a man from Van Isle
Who said jogging just wasn't his style.
"I'll get my workouts," he said,
"At home, in my bed,"
"'Cause a Miss is as good as a mile!"

A king who never could rhyme
declared limerick writing a crime,
but late in the night
all the scribes would write
poems without rhyme or meter.

In Paris, there once dwelt a man
whose limericks never would scan.
He said, "Try as I might,"
"I can't get it right,"
"'Cause I always try to fit as many words into the last line as I possibly can!"

There once was a man from Kazoo,
Who's limericks always end on line two.

The limerick's form's astronomical
to fit so much into space so economical.
But the ones that I've seen
are so seldom clean
and the clean ones are so seldom comical.

There once was a fellow quite gingerie
who tore holes in his sister's best lingerie.
He slapped her behind
then made up his mind
to add incest to insult and injury.

There once was a sailor from Brighton
who said to a lass, "You're a tight one."
She replied "'Pon my soul,
you're in the wrong hole!
There's plenty of room in the right one."

The mathematician Von Blecks
Derived the equation for sex.
He found a good fuck
Isn't patience or luck
But a function of Y over X.

Mathematics and limericks combined,
Requires an odd sort of mind,
Eleizer claims "Neater"
But can't keep the meter,
So more towards Rob's I'm inclined.

There was an old man from Gloucester
who would take a girl home and accost her.
The number to date
has gone up to eight
and out in the garden, he lost her.

There was an old man from Nantucket
who kept all his cash in a bucket.
His daughter named Nann
ran away with a man,
and as for the Bucket, Nann Tuck it.

There was a young fellow from Perth.
The dirtiest bastard on Earth.
When his wife was confined,
he pulled down the blind
and licked up the afterbirth.

There once was a student called Dan
whose limerick's didn't quite rhyme.
They didn't scan properly either
And there were never enough lines.

There once was a Jew from Peru
who was vainly attempting to screw.
His wife said, "Oy-vey!
If you keep up this way,
the messiah will come before you!"

There once was a man named Ted
Who had pot growing out of his head
The cause of those weeds
Was from smoking the seeds
Or so I have heard it said.

Starkle, starkle, little twink.
Who the hell you are I think!
Some thinkle peep I'm under
The alkafluence of inkahol,
But who damns a give?
I've got all day sober to Monday up
It's just the drunker I sit here,
The longer I get!!!!!

There was a young man from St. Louis,
who gave his dear sister a screw.
He said with aplomb,
"You're better then Mom!"
Said she, "That's what Dad told me, too."

There were once two young people of taste
who were beautiful down to the waist.
So they limited love
to the regions above
and thus remained perfectly chaste.

A couple from old Aberystwyth
united the organs they kissed with.
They enjoyed this sweet sharing
but did nothing more daring,
and she said, "You're a right one to tryst with."

Undressing a maiden called Sue,
her seducer exclaimed, "If it's true
that a nipple a day
keeps the doctor away,
think how healthy you must be with two!"

A popular girl is Miss Cholmondeley,
She's youthful, attractive and colmondeley,
and never objects
to suggestions of sex,
but simply cooperates dolmondeley.

An artist who haunted Montmarte
made improper suggestions to Sartre.
But Sartre with a blow
at his hanging "huis clos"
cut his two existentials apartre.

There was a young lawyer named Rex
Who was very deficient in sex
When charged with exposure
He said with composure
"De minimus non curat lex."

There once was a man from Racine,
Who invented a screwing machine.
Both concave and convex,
It could please either sex,
And it played with itself in between.
(But, oh, what a bastard to clean!)

There once was a man from Racine
who invented the jerk-off machine.
On the 69th stroke,
the damned thing broke,
and beat his balls to a cream.

A huge-organed female in Dallas,
named Alice, who yearned for a phallus,
was virgo intacto,
because, ipso facto,
no phallus in Dallas fit Alice.

There once was a Scot named McAmeter
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
It was not the size
That cause such surprise;
T'was his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.

There was a young man from New Haven,
who had an affair with a raven.
He said with a grin,
as he wiped off his chin,
Nevermore!

There was a young man from Purdue,
who was only just learning to screw.
But he hadn't the knack,
and he got too far back -
in the right church, but in the wrong pew.

There once was a fag of Khartoom,
who spent the night in a lesbian's room.
They argued all night,
over who had the right,
to do what, and with which, to whom.

There was a young man of Australia,
who went on a wild bacchanalia.
He buggered a frog,
two mice and a dog,
and a bishop in fullest regalia.

There once was a fellow named Howard,
whose large tool was nuclear-powered.
While grabbing some ass,
he reached critical mass;
but think of the girl he deflowered!

There was a young man of Seattle,
who bested a bull in a battle.
With fire and gumption,
he assumed the bull's function,
and deflowered a whole herd of cattle.

There once was a fencer named Fisk,
whose speed was incredibly brisk.
So fast was his action,
the Fitzgerald contraction
foreshortened his foil to a disk.

There was a young monk in Siberia
whose morals were very inferior.
He jumped on a nun,
which he shouldn't have done;
and now she's a Mother Superior.

There was a young trollop at Yale,
who had verses tattooed on her tail;
and on her behind,
for the sake of the blind,
a duplicate version in Braille.

The new local cinematorium
is not only a super sensorium,
but a highly effectual
heterosexual
mutual masturbatorium.

There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch,
had a catch that would latch;
she could only be screwed by Houdini.

Shouted Frosty the Snowman, "Hooray!
I'm agog with excitement today!
and the reason of course -
a reliable source,
said the snow blower's heading this way!

Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
But a fullback from State
made her period late,
and now she has athlete's fetus.

There was a young fellow of Warwick,
who had reason for feeling euphoric;
for he could by election
have triune erection:
Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.

There was a young girl from Peru,
who had nothing whatever to do.
So she sat on the stairs,
and counted cunt hairs;
four thousand, three hundred and two.

A widow whose singular vice
was to keep her late husband on ice,
Said, "It's been hard since I lost him,
I'll never defrost him!
cold comfort, but cheap at the price."

There was a young lady named Gilda,
who went on a date with a builder.
He said that he would,
and he could and he should,
and he did and it damn well near killed her.

A remarkable race are the Persians;
they have such peculiar diversions.
They make love the whole day,
in the usual way,
and save up the nights for perversions.

A notorious whore named Miss Hearst
in the weakness of men is well versed.
Reads a sign o'er the head
of her well-rumpled bed:
"The customer always comes first."

A mortician who practiced in Fife,
made love to the corpse of his wife.
"How could I know, Judge?
She was cold, she did not budge,
just the same as she'd acted in life."

The night was almost gone,
as I opened my eyes with a yawn.
I was quite amazed
with her thighs on my face,
I was seeing the crack of Dawn.

An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
and a sheep is divine,
but a llama is 'numero uno'."

"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it."
said the lazily amorus abbot.
"Although it's more fun
to have sex with a nun,
it's so hard to get into the habit!"

There was a young girl, Fanny Hill.
Used two dynamite sticks for a dil'
They found her vagina
in South Carolina,
and part of her ass in Brazil.

There once was a man with a member
that would only stand up in December.
He said, "Then it's too cold
for a hard-on so bold,
I wish it would work in September!"

There was an old bishop from Buckingham
who cooled off his bollocks by ducking 'em
and watching the stunts
of the cunts in the punts
and the tricks of the pricks that was fucking 'em!

The was a young lady named Flo.
whose lover had pulled out too slow.
So they tried it all night
till he got it just right.
Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.

There was a young fellow named Mel
who didn't like cunt very well.
He would finger and fuck one,
but never would suck one;
he just couldn't get use to the smell.

There once was a lass from Cape Cod
who thought all good things came from God.
It wasn't the Almighty
who lifted her nightie,
but Roger the Lodger, by God.

I'd rather have fingers than toes,
I'd rather have ears than a nose,
and a happy erection
brought just to perfection
makes me terribly sad when it goes.

An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
likes to jack off the young men she loves.
She will use her bare fist
if the fellows insist
but she really prefers to wear gloves.

Said a dainty young whore named Miss Meggs,
"The men like to spread my two legs,
then slip in between,
if you know what I mean,
and leave me the white of their eggs."

The spouse of a pretty young thing
came home from the war in the spring.
He was lame, but he came
with his dame like a flame;
a discharge is a wonderful thing.

There once was a fellow named Siegel
who attempted to bugger a beagle.
But the mettlesome bitch
turned and said with a twitch,
"It's fun, but you know it's illegal."

There was a young fellow named Fyfe
who married the pride of his life.
But imagine the pain
when he struggled in vain,
and just couldn't get into his wife.

A young bride was once heard to say,
"Oh dear, I am wearing away!
The inside of my thighs
look just like mince pies,
for my husband won't shave every day."

Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum
who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?
Some people say
love finds a way,
but for Sam and Samantha, it doesn't.

There was a young lady from Wheeling
who claimed she had no sexual feeling.
But when a fellow named Boris
did lick her clitoris,
she had to be scraped off the ceiling.

There once was a man from Racine
who'd invented a fucking machine.
Concave or convex,
it fit either sex,
but boy, was it a bitch to keep clean.

There once was a man from St. Pauls
who used to perform in the halls.
His favorite trick
was to stand on his prick
and roll off the stage on his balls.

There was an old man from Gallosham,
who took off his bollocks to wash 'em.
His wife said, "Jack,
if you don't put 'em back,
I'll tread on the buggers and squash 'em."

Have you ever seen Sally McWhorter,
She pisses a mightiful stream;
She pisses a mile and a quarter,
and you can't see her ass for the steam.

There once was a man from Kartomb
who was exceedingly fond of the womb.
He thought nothing finer
than the human vagina,
so he kept three of four in his room

There was a young lady from Keith
who circumcised men with her teeth.
It wasn't the skin
she was interested in,
but the layer of cheese underneath.

There was a man from Calcutta
who fell asleep in the gutter.
The tropical sun
burnt a hole in his bum
and melted his balls to butter.

There once was a woman named Dot,
who lived on pig shit and snot.
When she'd run out of these,
she'd just eat the green cheese
that she'd scrape from the sides of her twat.

The nipples of Sarah Strong,
when excited, are twelve inches long.
This embarrassed her lover
who was pained to discover
she expected no less of his dong.

There once was a writer named Twain
who had a peculiar stain
surrounding the head
of his prick, it was red
and it was said to wash off in the rain.

The last time I dined with the king,
he did quite a curious thing.
He sat on a stool
and took out his tool
and said "If I play, will you sing?"

There is a young nurse in Japan
who lifts men by their pricks to the pan.
A trick of Jujitsu
and either this shits you
or makes you feel more like a man.

A big woolly dog named Lee
had a host of friends to see.
So he paced in the street
on all four feet
but visited mostly on three.

There was a young lady named Knox
who kept a pet snake in her box.
It was trained not to hiss
when she sat down to piss,
but would nibble the noggins off cocks.

There once was a girl named Louise
whose cunt hair hung down to her knees.
The crabs in her twat
tied the hair in a knot
and constructed a flying trapeze.

A busman named Abner McFuss
liked to suck off small boys on his bus,
then go out and sniff turds,
and the assholes of birds;
he sure was a funny old cuss.

There was a young lady named Nelly
whose tits could be joggled like jelly.
They could tickle her twat
or be tied in a knot
and could even swat flies on her belly.

There was a young fellow named Price
who dabbled in in all sorts of vice.
He had virgins and boys,
and mechanical toys,
and on Mondays...he meddled with mice.

There was a young girl named Regina
who called in a water diviner
to play a slick trick
with his prick as a stick
to help locate her vagina.

Said an old lady called Mary Tabott,
"I wish I had teeth in my twat.
For just think" said she,
"how nice it would be
to keep all the pricks that I got."

There was a young lady who said
as her bridegroom got into bed,
"I'm tired of this stunt
that they do with ones cunt.
You can get up my bottom instead."

There was an old maid of Nantucket
had an asshole as big as a bucket.
While bent over the oven
a-dreamin' of lovin',
her goat siezed the moment to fuck it.

There was a young lady named Sue
who preferred a stiff drink to a screw.
But one leads to another,
and now she's a mother;
let this be a lesson to you.

The chief charm of a whore in Shalott
was the absence of hair on her twat.
She kept it smooth looking
not by shaving or plucking,
but by all the fucking she got.

A scandle involving an oyster
sent the countess of Clewes to a cloister.
She preferred it in bed
to the count, so she said
being longer, and stronger, and moister."

Cleopatra while helping to pump
ground out such a furious bump,
that Antony's dick
snapped off like a stick
and left him to pump with a stump.

There was an old fellow from Roop
who'd lost all control of his poop.
One evening at supper,
his wife said, "Now Tupper,
stop making that noise with your soup."

There was a young fellow named Rummy
who delighted in whipping his dummy.
He played pocket pool
with his happy old tool
till his shorts and his pants were all cummy

There was young man named Pete
who was a bit indiscrete.
He pulled on his dong
till it grew very long
and actually dragged in the street

Girls give Jim's stiff penis a spasm
whenever he sees 'em or has em.
He likes them so well,
he needs only to smell
them to have a spontaneous orgasm

A nymphomaniacal nurse with a curse,
that was worse than perverse,
stuck a rotary drill
up her twat, for a thrill
and they cart her off in a hearse.

A fair haired young damsel named Grace
thought it very foolish to place
her hand on your cock
when it turned hard as rock
for fear it would explode in her face.

There was a young man from Oswego
who fell in love with a dago
he dreamt that his venus
was jerking his penis,
and woke up all covered in sago

The modern cinamatic emporium
is by no means the nearest sexorium
but a highly effectual
heterosexual
mutual masturbatorium

There was a young woman of Croft
who played with herself in a loft.
Having reasoned that candles
could never cause scandals,
besides which they did not go soft.

A squeamish young named fellow named Brand
thought caressing his penis was grand.
But he viewed with distaste
the gelatinous paste
that it left in the palm of his hand.

There was a young girl of Tonga
used to diddle herself with a conga.
When asked how it feels
to be pleasured by eels,
she said, "just like a man, only longer."

There was a young man from Bangor
who was tired and said to his whore,
"If you will only roll over,
I will get my dog Rover
and you can have 6 inches more.

There was a young man from Bengal
who went to a fancy dress ball.
Just for a stunt,
he dress up as a cunt
and was fucked by a dog in the hall.

There was a young man from Nantucket,
took a pig in a thicket to fuck it.
Said the pig, "Oh, I'm queer,
get away from my rear,
come around to the front and I'll suck it."

There was a young fellow named Bart
who strained every shit through a fart.
Each tip-tapered turd
was the very last word
in this deft and most intricate art.

There was a young man of Bhogat
the cheeks of whose arse were so fat,
they had to be parted
whenever he farted
and propped right apart when he shat.

Said a pretty young whore from Hong Kong
to a long pronged patron named Wong,
"They say my vagina's
the nicest in China;
don't ruin it by donging it wrong."

A shiftless young fellow named Kent
had his wife fuck the landlord for rent.
But as she grew older,
the landlord grew colder,
and now they live out in a tent.

There was an old girl of Kilkenny
whose usual charge was a penny.
For half of that sum
you could finger her bum;
a source of amusement to many.

Said the whore whom they called Geraldine,
"When I think of the pricks that I've seen,
and all of the nuts
and the arseholes and butts
and bastards like you in between."

There was an old harlot of Wick
who was sucking a coal miner's prick
She said, "I don't mind
the coal dust and grime,
but the smell of your balls makes me sick."

I lost my arm in the army,
I lost my leg in the navy,
I lost my balls
over the Niagara falls,
and I lost my cock in a lady.

There was a young lady of Clewer
who was riding a bike when it threw her.
A man saw her there
with her legs in the air
and seized the occasion to screw her.

There was a young fellow named Hyde
who took a girl out for a ride.
He mucked up her fuck-hole
and fucked up her muck-hole
and charged her two dollars beside.

There was a young man from Malacca
who always slept on his left knacker.
One saturday night,
he slept on his right,
and his knacker went off like a cracker.

There was a young singer named Springer
got his testicles caught in a ringer.
He hollered in pain,
as they rolled down the drain,
"There goes my career as a singer!"

There was an old man of Stambool
with a varicose vein in his tool.
In attempting to come
up a little boy's bum,
it burst, and did he look a fool.

A certain young fellow named Dick
liked to feel a girl's hand on his prick.
He taught them to fool
with his rigid old tool
till the cream shot out, white and thick.

There is a young fellow from Leeds
whose skin is so thin his cock bleeds.
Whenever erect,
this dermal defect
often scares him from sowing his seeds.

She made a thing of soft leather
and topped off the end with a feather.
When she poked it inside her,
she took off like a glider
and she gave up her lover forever.

A thrifty old man named McEwen
Inquired, "Why be bothered with screwing?
It's safer and cleaner
to finger your weiner,
and besides you can see what you are doing."

There was a young fellow named Goff
whose amusement was jacking it off.
He pulled it so hard,
it streched out a yard
and turned to bright blue and fell off.

There was a young man named Lanny
the size of whose prick was uncanny.
His wife, the poor dear,
took it in her ear
and it came out the hole in her fanny.

A milkmaid there was, with a stutter
who was lonely and wanted a flutter.
She had nowhere to turn,
so she diddled a churn
and managed to come with the butter.

There was a young fellow named Perkin
who aways was jerkin his gerkin.
His wife said, "Now Perkin,
stop jerking your gerkin,
you're shirking your firking, you bastard."

There was a young man named M'Gurk
who dozed off one night after work.
He had a wet dream,
but awoke with a scream
just in time to give it a jerk.

Says a busy young whore named Miss Randalls,
as men by the dozens she handles,
"When I get this busy,
my cunt gets all jizzy
and it runs down my legs like wax candles."

The head of his dingus went in;
he felt sure he was going to win.
He thrust like a demon,
he spilt all his semem,
and scraped off an square inch of skin

There was a young lady of Bicester
who was a lot far nicer than her sister.
The sister would giggle
and wiggle and jiggle,
but this one would come when you kissed her.

There was a young fellow named Charteris,
put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
She said, "I don't mind,
and up higher you'll find
the place where my fucker and farter is.

There were three ladies from Huxom
and whenever we see em, we fucks 'em,
and when that game grows stale,
we sit on the rail
and we pull out our cocks and they sucks 'em.

There was an old lady who lay
with her legs wide apart in the hay,
then calling the ploughman,
she said, "Do it now man,
don't wait till your hair has turned grey."

There was a young lady of lee
who scrambled up into a tree.
When she got there,
her asshole was bare,
and so was her K U N T.

In the shade of an old apple tree,
where between her fat legs, I could see
a little brown spot
with the hair in a knot
and it certainly looked good to me

There was a fat lady of China
who had an enormous vagina
and when she was dead
they painted it red
and used it for docking a liner.

There was an old man of Newport
whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed,
the old woman said,
"This isn't a prick, it's a wart!"

There was a young fellow from Florida
who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
When they got into bed,
He cried, "God strike me dead,
this ain't a cunt, it's a corridor!"

A fellow whose surname was Hunt
trained his cock to perform a slick stunt.
This versatile spout
could be turned inside out
like a glove and be used as a cunt.

There was an old man of Duluth
whose cock was shot off in his youth.
He fucked with his nose,
and his fingers and toes,
and he came through a hole in his tooth.

There was a young girl, very sweet,
who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
When she sat on their lap,
she unbuttoned their flap
and always had plenty to eat.

There was a young lady of Mott
who inserted a fly up her twat
and pretended the buzz
was not what it was,
but something she knew it was not.

There was a young lady named Sutton
who said as she carved up the mutton.
"My father preferred
the last sheep in the herd;
this is one of his children I'm cutting."

There was a young man named Mcphee
who was stung in the balls by a bee.
He made oodles of money
by oozing pure honey
everytime he attempted to pee.

There was a young man had the art
of making a capital tart
with a handful of shit
some snot and a spit
and he'd flavour the whole with a fart.

There was a young man of the tweed
who sucked his wife's ass with a reed.
When she had diarrhea,
he'd let no one come near
for the fear they should poach on his feed.

There was a young pair from Uganda
who were having a fuck on a veranda.
The drip from their fucks
fed forty two ducks,
three geese, and a fucking big gander.

A hungry old trollop from Yemen
did a pretty good business with He-men.
But she gave up all fucking
in favour of sucking
for the protein contained in the semen.

There was a young fellow named Biddle
whose girl had to teach him to fiddle.
She grabbed hold of his bow
and said, "If you want to know,
you can try parting my hair in the middle."

There was a young fellow named Simon
who tried to discover a hymen.
But he found every girl
had relinguished her pearl
in exchange for a solitaire diamond.

There was a young girl of Spitzbergen
where people all thought her a virgin
till they found her in bed
with her quim very red
and the head of a kid just emerging

There was an old spinster of Tyre
who bellowed, "MY CUNT IS ON FIRE!"
So a fireman was found,
brought his engine around
and extinguished her burning desire.

There was an old man of Corfu
who fed upon cunt-juice and spew.
When he couldn't get that,
he ate what he shat
and a bloody good shit he shat too.

There was a young lady of Totten
whose tastes grew perverted and rotten.
She cared not for steaks
or the pastries and cakes
but lived upon penis au gratin.

There was a young girl of Claridges
who said, "What a strange thing marriage is.
When you stop to think
that I've put down the sink,
five abortions, and fifty miscarriages."

There was a girl from the five and ten
who diddled herself with a fountain pen.
The top came off,
the ink went wild,
and now she's the mother of a coloured child."

An efficient young fellow named Dave
said, "Think of the time that I save
by avoiding vacations,
and sexy relations,
and taking a crap while I shave."

There was a young man from Rangoon
whose farts could be heard to the moon.
When you'd least expect 'em,
they'd burst from his rectum
with the force of a raging typhoon.

A gardener named Kenneth McDeare
likes plants more than women, we fear.
"He's hardly perennial."
say folks who know Kenny well.
"He only comes up once a year"

Since the girl couldn't type, she was fired;
and asked to explain why she was hired.
"The executive's dong
is only four inches long.
I thought shorthand was all he required"

Said a pretty young lady from Croft,
whilst amusing herself in the loft,
"Salami or wurst
is what I choose first,
but with baloney I know I've been boffed"

In a conference, lonely Fred posted
his plea for a friendly young co-ed
the response was frenetic
from gals energetic
and he died when his modem exploded

A Cajun gourmet named LaSalle,
is the chef at dat place on Canal.
He put lotta spice
on your red beans an' rice,
and make lightnin' shoot outta your bowel!

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