THE MARRIED LIFE
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"It's just to hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the
shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn
like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door
seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses
her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know the girl."
Two women are in the kitchen preparing dinner on a Friday night when one of them
looks out the window. She sees her husband coming up the walkway with a bouquet
of flowers. The woman turns to her friend and says, "Oh, darn! He's bringing
flowers. That means another weekend on my back with my legs up in the air."
Her friend says, "What's the matter? Don't you have a vase?"
"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut.
You'll never see me on weekends during golf season."
"Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a hooker."
"No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left
arm straight."
"I'm fed up with your jealousy," the furious wife told her husband. "Do you
think I don't realize you're having me followed by a detective who's tall,
blond, has green eyes and is very nice, although a little shy at first?"
He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows
something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows
nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.
Here lies my wife in earthy mould; when she lived did naught but scold. Good
friends go softly in your walking; lest she should wake and rise up talking.
Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in
the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter
that was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, during the party he
announces: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give
1 million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full
of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large splash!
There was one guy in the pool swimming with all his might, the crowd cheered him
on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed, he said "My boy that was incredible!
fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the
bargain, which do you want my daughter or the 1 million dollars?"
The guy says "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your
daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a
king-size hangover and asked his wife "What the hell happened?".
"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the
wife.
"Piss on him," answered the husband.
"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said the husband.
"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."
On the way home from the party, the woman said to her husband, "Have I ever
told you how handsome and sexy and irresistable to women you are?"
"Why no," said the husband, flattered.
"Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?!" she yelled.
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With
a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer
Jones."
Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"
Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
I don't know how to make my wife stop buying all these gloves.
Buy her a diamond ring.
Having spent half the night discussing involvement vs. commitment (one of my
favorite topics when I've had a couple of glasses of wine and am feeling
particularly cranky) with my boyfriend, I was quite amused to see the following
saying pop up when I logged in the next morning:
Commitment, n.:
Commitment can be best illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken
was involved, the pig was committed.
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on
the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm
sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay
fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later,
he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow
too?."
Did you hear about the new men's magazine that caters exclusively to married
men? It's like Playboy or Penthouse magazine, except the centerfold is the same
month after month after month...
Correction: Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his wife down a
flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp after her, the Rev. James
P. Wellman died unmarried four years ago.
As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die
without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage.
All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women.
And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."
His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the
poison?"
An Australian, a Frenchman and an Italian are talking about married life:
Italian: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in
wine, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild.
Frenchman: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in
chocolate, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild.
Aussie: When I finish making love to my wife, I get out of bed and wipe my
dick on the curtains, and my wife, she goes wild.
A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from his
honeymoon a chastened husband. He became aware of the will of the wisp.
A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble
on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save your
marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
I've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had him
arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher. She's a women
who conks to stupor.
As a couple sat in the living room, watching TV, the phone rang. The husband
picked it up, listened for a moment and then screamed, "Damn it! How should I
know? Call the weather bureau!" and hung up.
"What was that all about?" wife asked.
"Awww, some idiot wanted to know whether the coast was clear."
Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, "I
have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your
wife?"
The guy answers, "Yes, I never even looked at another women."
St.Peter says, "See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive
while your in heaven".
The second guy gets the same question, and answers, "Once I strayed, but I
confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out."
St. Peter says, "See that new Buick over there, that's your car to use in
heaven".
The third guy answers the same question, "I have to admit, I chased every bit
of tail I could, and was with a lot of women."
St. Peter says, "Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug
over there is yours to use while your in heaven. The three guys go off on their
seperate ways.
A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along in the Buick when they
see guy #1's Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar
and find guy #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in
his hands on the bar. They come up to him and guy #2 says, "Bud, what could
possibly be so bad-you're in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is
great!"
He says, "I saw my wife today!"
The other two answer, "That's great! What's the problem?"
He answers, "She was riding a bicycle!"
Husband: Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?
Wife: Well, I suppose so.
Husband: Would you and he sleep in the same bed?
Wife: I guess we would.
Husband: Would you make love to him?
Wife: He would be my husband then, dear.
Husband: Would you give him my golf clubs?
Wife: No. He's left handed.
There are three kinds of sex in a marriage.
The first is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll
have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, in the kitchen.
The second kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids,
so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The third kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the
hallway and say "Fuck you."
There is also a fourth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get
divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.
From a list of statistics in Glamour Magazine...
1. Most marriages occur in June. The least number of marriages occur in January.
2. If you are 18 and over, you have a 64% chance of marrying.
3. Men are 37% more likely than women to remain single - at least until age 55.
4. If you are a professional woman, you have a 55% chance you will find love in your office. And, love that starts at work tends to last longer than romance that originates in a single's bar or health club.
5. Men and women's peak years for marrying are between 25 and 29. In second place for women: the years 20 to 24. In second place for men: 30 to 34.
6. Women have a 33% chance of marrying a younger man. This is considerably higher than ten years ago.
7. The chances of a marriage enduring forever are slim. Median duration of a marriage in the U.S. is 7 years.
8. Marriage after divorce?: Women have a 78% chance of remarrying, while men have an 83% chance. 7% of women will remarry within 1 year, 35.7% within 3 years, and 49.4% within 5 years.
9. Women whose parents are divorced have 50% more likely to divorce than women whose parents stayed together. For men, there is a 23% greater likelihood.
10. Premarital cohabitation increases the chance of divorce by 80%. Some sociologists say this means that couples who lived together may not feel as "bound" by their vows.
11. People who marry at 24 are more likely to divorce than those who marry at 34. The divorce rate is particularly high for men and women who marry in their twenties, and declines steadily thereafter.
12. Your chances of marrying someone from another race are less than 1 in 50.
13. Only 6% of divorced women collect alimony.
14. In this age of AIDS, single women between 18 and 44 are sexually more active.
15. The immune systems of married women function better than those of unmarried women thereby lowering the risk of AIDS. Happy marriages produce even healthier immune systems.
16. 85% of divorced or separated women say they are happy with their single status, while only 58% of the men are happy with theirs.
17. Women who are romance novel addicts have sex 74% more often than women who read less stimulating material.
18. American made condoms have a 12% failure rate while foreign models have a 21% rupture rate.
19. 50% of single women approve of premarital sex.
20. Only 12% of women who are able to become pregnant are using no contraception.
A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the
housework. A likely-looking girl came in from the country, and they hired her.
She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat.
One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.
"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.
She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was
persistent, so finally she said, "Well, on my day off a couple of months ago I
met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well - I'm
pregnant."
The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have
any children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."
She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The
baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.
After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would
have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again,
talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She
agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.
In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing.
She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the
third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely
leaving this time."
"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.
"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."
From the book:
What Are the Chances: Risks, Odds & Likelihood in Everyday Life,
by Bernard Siskin, Jerome Staller, and David Rorvik.
Crown Publishers; New York, NY; 1989.
Hardcover; 177 pages; $16.95
Bernard Siskin is vice president of the Philadelphia office of the National
Economic Research Association. Jerome Staller is president of the Center
for Forensic Economic Studies in Philadelphia.
Chapter 4 is "Marriage, Divorce, Sex, and other (Romantic) Mayhem."
Where should you go if you want to marry a very young woman? In Rhode
Island, women can marry at the age of 12.
How likely is a woman to find romance on the job? About 55 percent, and
office romances tend to last longer than those originating in singles bars or
health clubs.
How long will your marriage last? The median duration of marriages in the
U.S. is about seven years.
"And you tell me several men proposed marriage to you," said the husband.
"Yes, several," the wife replied.
"Well I wish you had married the first fool who proposed."
"I did."
Now-it-can-be-told Dept.: Basketball coach Jim Valvano of North Carolina State,
on his marriage: "I thought her name was Lavini and that she was Italian. It was
Levine and she was Jewish. She thought because of my big nose I was Jewish.
We were married for three years before we knew we had a mixed marriage."
In desperation, the young bride finally wrote to Xaviera Hollander:
I'm married to a sex maniac. My husband never leaves me alone. He makes love
to me all night long - while I'm in the shower, while I'm cooking breakfast,
while I'm making the beds, and even while I'm trying to clean the house. Can u
tell me what to do?
Signed,
Worn Out
P.S. Please excuse the jerky handwriting
A mature woman was in the pastoral study counseling for her upcoming fourth wedding.
"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"
"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be."
"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do
was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it
tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this
time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."
Wifespeak -> English Translation Guide
Wifespeak English
You want You want
We need I want
It's your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want You'll pay for this later
We need to talk I need to complain
Sure...go ahead I don't want you to.
I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're...so manly You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional or overreacting! I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house.
I want new curtains and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.]
Yes No
No No
Maybe No
I'm sorry. You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
Was that the baby? Why don't you walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
The same old thing. Nothing.
Nothing. Everything.
Everything. My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. It's just that you're such an asshole.
I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up steam.
Main-Squeeze Poll
No one will ever really know what makes one person fall for another. But
here is a stab at some answers from a "main squeeze" poll in which nearly 900
Americans were questioned about their love lives.
32% met their main squeeze through friends or relatives; 5% met at church
and only 1% met through a dating service.
Although 46% reported that personality was what first attracted them to
their sweethearts, 33% said looks counted too.
20% of the female respondents thought their main squeeze looked like Tom
Selleck, and 21% of the male respondents thought their sweethearts looked like
Sally Field.
For 70%, it was not love at first sight.
Source: Tropicana, Inc.
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic
car accident ended their lives.
When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to
be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still
desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have
to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They
were married in a simple ceremony.
So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time,
that eternity was best not spent together.
They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever,
but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we
can get divorced?"
"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a
priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"
This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I
lost my dear wife and children. I'll never forget that game of cards...
Matrimony Made Easy
This is not a joke. And "How to Marry the Man of Your Choice" (Matrimonial
Press Report) is not a jokebook. At $95, this 167-page textbook, written by
Margaret Kent, an attorney from Key Biscayne, Florida, is subtitled "The
Marriage Manual for Single Women." It tells us, "This book will teach you how
to determine what a man really wants in a wife... Consider all men living
laboratories and test the results for yourself... Start with lesser men for
training." For those of you who can't afford the 95 bucks (never mind the $1295
for the course the book accompanies), here are a few things women don't tell
men.
On Appearance
Excessive use of perfume makes a woman less desirable. Perfumes are
manufactured from fragrances of herbs, flowers, and other substances that are
put into some medium that is strong enough to hold the odor. That medium is
often ambergris...a secretion from the intestines of the sperm whale. In other
words, you and your man may smell the odor of whale puke instead of enjoying the
fragrance of flowers or herbs.
Cleanliness is especially important. If a woman uses enough soap and has
that clean, fresh look that a recent shower gives, she could wear a potato sack
and still be desirable for her male.
T-shirts are great. It doesn't take much male imagination to know that in
less than five seconds, they are off over your head.
Food particles between the teeth, especially the front teeth, are highly
undesirable.
On Dating
If you need to pass gas (fart), excuse yourself from his presence. Try not
to destroy illusions by unpleasant odors. If you need to pass gas, face him.
If you must chew gum and smoke, do not do both at the same time.
Eat the food on your plate only. Leave his food for him.
Be a bitch, not a nag... Bitchy females get the men.
Don't pay much attention to the anger your man expresses before dinner. He
is hungry and everything bothers him.
Gourmet cooking is not required for most men. However, most women would do
better in attracting a man if they devoted a fraction of the time they spent in
learning bedroom techniques to learning kitchen techniques.
On Sex
Never deny sex, because that dooms any ideas of his marrying you.
Don't expect him to sleep on crumpled or wet sheets. If necessary, you should
sleep on the wet spot.
Do not ridicule the size of his penis or make unfavorable comparisons to
other males.
If you are overweight, it may be best if you avoid pressing down on him when
you are on top.
A typical male will lay almost any female if there are no repercussions.
Always play it safe sexually by consenting only to acts that are generally
acceptable. Place the burden of deviation upon him.
One step you can take to enhance a sexual encounter is to evoke some anger in
your male, but not furor, before sex.
After sex, the male is exhausted and has no immediate need of you as a
female... After intercourse, the man will have little energy left. Be prepared
to revive him with coffee, sweets, and appetizing snacks.
If the relationship continues to be nonsexual after an extended period of
time, the man may not be normal.
If a man suffers from premature ejaculation, just make him prolong
satisfaction slightly so he holds out an extra moment. Let us say it takes him
a minute to satisfy... Bet him that the next time you have sex, he will satisfy
in a minute and a half.
Prepare yourself emotionally for the sex act by fancying yourself in the
presence of a surrogate partner you have longed for in the past. If you have
fired up your imagination to a climactic state, your man can easily satisfy
you.
Virginity is looked upon favorably by some religious fanatics, recent
immigrants from tradition-bound societies, and men who have never had sex. The
typical male views virginity in the mature female as a curse, not a blessing.
If an adult woman tells her male that she is a virgin, he is likely to wonder
why no man has wanted her before.
On Things Women Know About Men
Men love to tell their stories! They love to tell about themselves to a
point that they become boring.
Anticipation conditions a conventional male, who was on the losing side of
the revolution, into believing he will receive something of great value in the
initial and subsequent sexual acts.
If we tell our males at six P.M. that we are lovely, they may have the
mental energy to fight off this idea... If your male is particularly tired and
exhausted, he is especially susceptible to your suggestions. His exhaustion is
especially useful for implanting the ideas of your worth, especially that you
are lovely, good, desirable, and would be the perfect wife.
From Harper's Index:
Average percentage increase in a wife's blood pressure during an argument with her husband: 6.
Average percentage increase in a husband's blood pressure during an argument with his wife: 14.
A woman is getting a sentimental feeling while watching a beautiful love scene
in a movie. Her husband leans over and whispers those three little words that
are on his mind: "Pass the popcorn."
How can a woman find out what life's like without a man around?
Get married.
How do you keep a man from wanting sex?
You marry him.
Husband: Honey, has the mailman come yet?
Wife: No, but he's panting and sweating pretty hard.
"You know," a guy told his buddies, "I'm a lucky man. I never realized how
much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from
work."
"What did she do?" someone asked.
"She was so happy to have me home," he said, "that everythime someone came to
the door, like the mailman or milkman, she'd shout, 'My husbands home! My
husband's home!'"
In our premarital counseling, our therapist talked about how we should keep
growing as people. I never dreamed my husband would grow to 250 pounds!
Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?
The toilet seat is up and the hubby's sex interest is down.
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her
how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the
diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be
something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that
might be doing this to your knees?"
"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style
on the floor every night."
"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions
and ways to have sex, you know."
"Not if you're going to watch T.V. there ain't," she replied.
A husband and wife were fighting about their sex life.
"You never even tell me when you're having an orgasm!" he yelled.
"How can I?" she shot back. "You're never here!"
What could men do to make their marriages last longer?
Pay less attention to prenuptial agreements and more to postnuptial affection
and sex.
What does marriage teach women?
Patience.
My marriage is childless so far, except for my husband.
Why is a driver's license better than a marriage license?
It only lasts 4 years, and then you can choose to renew it or let it expire.
Dinner will be served at the sound of the smoke alarm.
When we were dating, my husband used to always tell me those three magic
words, "I love you". Now that we are married, those three magic words have
become, "What's for dinner?"
When we were dating, my husband would gently rub me with hot oil while he
affectionately called me lovely nicknames. Now that we are married, he gently
rubs his car with hot wax, which now has its own pet nickname.
When we were dating, my husband would always love to watch me undress. Now
that we are married, he loves to watch championship wrestling.
When we were dating, my husband read poetry to me as he caressed me in his
arms late into the night. Now that we are married, he quotes me sports
statistics and stock prices during breakfast.
When we were dating, my husband would passionately motivate and urge me on in
whatever I did, whether it was at my job or during sex. Now that we are married,
the only thing he passionately urges on is his favorite football team.
When we were dating, my husband would make love to me on his waterbed like a
sex-starved wild beast who would go on and on. So we called the bed our "Ocean
Of Motion Love Potion". Now that we are married, the bed has been renamed "The
Dead Sea".
A woman was complaining to her best friend over lunch. "Every time my
husband climaxes, he lets out an ear-splitting yell."
"That doesn't sound all that bad to me," said her friend. "As a matter of
fact, that would kind of turn me on."
"It would me too," said the first woman, "if it just didn't keep waking me up
and if he didn't keep moaning our daughter's name in his sleep!!"
It was once reported in "Variety" that Milton Berle, while watching television,
asked his wife, "Do you feel that sex and excitement have gone out of our
marriage?" To which his wife, Ruth, answered, "I'll discuss it with you during
the next commercial."
Even though some husbands work overtime on their jobs, they still enjoy
activities back at home in the family room, especially sleeping on the couch.
Most husbands don't like to hear their wives struggling with housework; so they
turn up the volume on the television.
If a woman had perfect pitch, an instinctive sense of harmony and endless
musical ideas, what career would her husband urge her to go into?
Keeping house.
What is the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
About 60 pounds.
My husband has a nautical tattoo on his stomach. It used to be on his chest,
but he dropped anchor.
The other day, I saw this man go into a tattoo parlor and want a tattoo of a
"hundred dollar bill" tattoo'ed on his penis. The parlor owner said that he
could tattoo anything he wanted anywhere he wanted it! So the man got the
tattoo on his penis and while the parlor owner was doing it, he asked the man
why he wanted a "hundred dollar bill" tattoo'ed on his penis.
"Well", the man answered, "There is several reasons. Number one, I like to
play with my money!"
Well, the parlor owner said he could understand that.
Then the man said, "The second reason is I LIKE to see my money grow!"
The parlor owner said he could understand that too!
Then the man said, "For the third and most important reason, the next time my
wife wants to go out and blow a hundred bucks, SHE CAN STAY HOME!"
Husbands don't like to gossip and air dirty laundry in public. They'd rather
drop it on the floor all over the house. Men never pick up after themselves. If
a single man drops something on the floor, it lies there until he gets married
and his wife picks it up for him. My husband will take off a dirty shirt, drop
it on the floor, and then expect it to be clean and wrinkle-free the next day
when he wears it again. Our kids grew up thinking doorknobs were made of dacron
polyester.
What does SWM stand for in a personal column advertisement?
Sneaking While Married
My husband can go to the gym and bench press 50 pounds 20 times. Then he'll
come home and tell me he doesn't have the energy to help me bring in the
groceries.
When don't most women ever tell their husbands when they're really enjoying sex?
Because their husbands are never there when it happens!
What do most women miss most about being single?
Having sex.
The difference between a husband and a lover is like day and night.
Men seem to become less interested in sex after marriage. In some cases, the
situation is so bad that the husband changes positions more often when he's
asleep than he does during sex, the husband doesn't go to sleep immediately
after sex but instead goes to sleep during sex, the husband really is reading
"Playboy" just for the articles, Kim Basinger had more sex in "9 1/2 Weeks" than
these couples have in 9 1/2 years, and if Madonna was married to one of these
men, she wouldn't just feel like a virgin, she'd be a virgin!
Besides "I love you", what three words does a wife want to hear most?
"I'll fix it."
What's the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday.
Why are some married men like candles?
Because they occasionally go out at night when they should not.
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a man was asked the secret of their long
marriage. "Well, at home, I lead the roost," he said, "And my wife leads the
rooster."
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day
without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket
and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out
and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"But why?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I
should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the
only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"
James and his wife, Martha, are getting ready to leave home for a vacation.
Martha started out the door, then stopped, turned around, and said, "James, this
time you should go check to see if the coffee pot is off, television plugs are
pulled, lamp timers are set, thermostat is adjusted, windows are closed and
locked, burglar alarm is on, doors are locked, and I'll go wait in the car and
keep blowing the horn."
A good husband is the light of his wife's life. But some wives are getting fed
up with seeing their lights go out every night.
Husband: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Wife: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
Tom and Jeni are having one of their occasional disputes of opinion. Tom
took off his pants and threw them at Jeni, yelling, "Hey, woman, can you fill
these pants up?"
"Of course not, you jerk. You know I can't."
"You're right. You can't. I wear the pants in this family."
So Jeni took off her panties and threw them at Tom, yelling, "Hey, jerk, can
you get into these panties?"
"Hell no! They're too small and dainty!"
"And you won't either, until you change your treatment of me!"
A clerk was showing a lady a very nice dress shirt and tie. "Now this," the
clerk said, "is absolutely elegant. It is perfect for a man-about-town."
"Could be," the woman replied, "but I'm looking more for something for a
louse-around-the-house."
If you constantly hear a married man brag about how he runs everything around
the house, you can be sure that he is referring to the lawn mower, the car, the
errands, and the baby carriage.
Six months into a marriage, a man was asked by his best friend how everything
was going. He replied, "Oh, just fine. We practically never have any arguments.
In the morning, she does what she wants. In the afternoon, I do what she wants.
And at night, we both do what we both want."
Watching her mother as she tried on her new mink coat, the daughter
protested, "Mom, do you realize some poor, dumb beast suffered so you could have
that coat?"
Her mother glared back at her and said, "Don't talk about your father that
way!"
"Jim and I have been married for two years now and we have not yet had our
first husband-wife argument. If we have a difference of any kind, and I am
right, Jim nods and accepts my opinion."
"But what if he's right?"
"That has not happened yet."
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their
waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed
that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the
woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down
his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled,
apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and
said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under
the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked
in the door."
One woman was asked, "Would it kill you if your husband were to run off with
another woman?"
To which she calmly replied, "Well, it might. They say that irrepressible
job can bring on a heart attack."
The next door neighbor of a middle-aged wife came over to inform her that
her retired husband was chasing around after young prostitutes.
The woman smiled, "So what?"
The neighbor was surprised, "It doesn't bother you that he's running around
with those women?"
The woman replied, "I also have a little dog who chases cars and buses, too."
Sam arrived home from work early one afternoon only to surprise his wife
busily engaged with a midget in bed.
After chasing the rogue away, Sam liberally expressed his dismay to his
wayward spouse. "I just don't know what to do with you!" he said, shaking his
head. "We've talked about this over and over. We've spent hours with the
marriage counselor. I was really starting to believe that I could trust you
again,".
"I know, I know..." acknowledged the wife contritely. "But at least I'm
cutting back!"
The man came home to find evidence that his wife had been unfaithful. "Was
it my friend Steve?" he yelled.
"No," she said.
"Was it my friend James?" he then asked.
"What?" she shouted. "Don't you think I have any friends of my own?"
A woman comes home from shopping and finds her husband in bed with another
woman. The man jumps up and says, "Honey, I can explain! As I was coming home
from the golf course, I saw this poor helpless girl on the side of the road. So
I gave her a ride and asked her where she was going. She said she had no where
to go and hadn't eaten anything in three days. I felt so sorry for her that I
brought her home and gave her something to eat. While she was eating, I noticed
she had no shoes so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't use anymore. Then
I noticed her clothes were worn, so I gave her one of your dresses that you
don't use anymore. As she was ready to leave, she turned to me and said, 'Is
there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"
A husband was worried about the decline in the quality of his marriage so he
discreetly went to a marriage counselor to discuss the problem.
The counselor asked, "Do you kiss your wife when you get home from work,
remind her every now and then of how much you love her, and show her all the
little attentions that you did during the first few years of your marriage?"
"Uhh, no, I guess not," the husband replied.
"That happens with many married couples," the counselor replied. "I suggest
that you begin starting today to do all those little nice things for her...fuss
over her, buy her flowers, bring candy home to her, and try to be a lover again
instead of just a husband."
"That sounds good to me. You're right. I'll start this evening."
So when the husband got home that night, he presented his wife at the door
with a dozen long-stemmed roses, gave her a big hug and kiss and said, "We're
going out on the town tonight, sweet lips, just the two of us and we're going to
have a *good* time. I've reserved a table at the Hilton, two seats for a great
musical to see after dinner, and that's only the beginning!"
His wife stared at him, then burst into tears. "What! What's wrong, honey?
Tell me what's the matter?" the husband cried.
"Well, Susie came home from high school today and told me that she's
pregnant. Then our bank called us today to tell us that five checks have bounced
and that we should immediately make a deposit. Then our cat, Mittens, got run
over by a car and poor little Katie is in her room sobbing her eyes out right
now. And I totally wrecked the car while I was trying to rush Mittens to the
animal clinic. And now...(sniff) (sniff)...now..." she broke off and sobbed
deeply.
"Now what, honey, tell me. Please tell me." the husband begged.
"And now, *you* come home drunk!!!!"
After an argument with his wife, a man stalked out of the house. He returned
a few hours later to find his wife packing a suitcase. He angrily asked her
where she was going.
"I'm moving to Las Vegas. I can make $400-500 there doing what I give you
for free."
The man thought about this for a moment, then pulled out his own suitcase and
began packing. His wife asked where HE was going.
"I'm going to Las Vegas, too. I want to see how you manage to live on $800 a
year."
Gena is such a good wife. Why, just let her husband get home late at night and
as soon as he enters the door, he gets his pipe, slippers, pajamas, robe, book,
dinner, and if anything else is handy, she heaves that at him, too.
Husband: Darling, will you love me when I'm old and feeble?
Spouse: You bet I do.
Marriage counselor to female client: "Maybe your problem is that you've been
waking up grumpy every morning."
Client: No, I always let him sleep.
"Oh, Laura!" cried her neighbor, "I'm so very sorry to hear about the loss
of your husband. He was such a wonderful man. I'm sure he left you well
provided for, didn't he?"
Laura dabbed at her eyes and muttered, "Yes, he was a very caring husband
and he left me almost half a million dollars in his will. I miss him so much
that I'd give fifty thousand just to have him back!"
When the husband came home from his job, he found his wife crying.
"Your mother insulted me, very much." she sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that when she's on a vacation on the other side
of the world?"
"I know. But this morning, a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it,
because I was curious."
"And?"
"At the end of the letter, it was written: P.S. Dear Catherine, when you've
read this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."
Husband: Now that we are married, perhaps I can point out a few of your defects.
Wife: Don't bother, dear, I know all about them. It's those defects that kept
me from getting a better man than you.
"My wife is very hard to please."
"But she wasn't always that way."
"How do you know?"
"Why, she married you, didn't she?"
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. "It's for my
husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot
him!"
There is absolutely no excuse for a wife to have an inferiority complex. All
she has to do to avoid or cure it, is to be sick in bed for a day and leave her
husband to manage the household and the kids.
Who needs a husband?
My dog growls at me every morning, my parrot swears all afternoon, my fireplace
smokes a lot, my cat slinks home in the early morning hours, and I have a
physician who looks me over regularly.
For many wives, the only peace and solitude that she may have if she wants a
little time to herself at the end of the day is at the sink, doing the dishes.
Income tax examiner: What's your husband's average income?
Wife: Ohh, about midnight.
The little boy asked his dad one evening, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?"
"I don't know, son," he said. "I'm still paying for it."
Standing at the pearly gates of heaven, Albert noticed pointing to two paths.
One was marked "Women" and the other marked "Men". He took the path assigned to
men and then came upon two more gates. The right-hand gate had a sign that read
"Men Who Were Dominated By Their Spouses"; the other gate read "Men Who Were
Boss And Dominated Their Spouses". The first gate had an endless line of guys
waiting, but only one little guy stood before the male domination gate. Albert
was undecided, so he walked up to the little guy standing all alone and asked,
"Why are you standing at this gate, a little punk like you?"
The smallish fellow replied, "I haven't a clue. My wife told me to stand
here."
What is the difference betwwen a fifteen year old marriage and a fifteen year
old job?
After fifteen years, the job still sucks.
A woman tells her friend, "My husband is an angel."
Her friend replies, "You're lucky, mine is still alive."
Two men are sitting in a pub talking, one mentions that it's his wife's
birthday soon and he doesn't know what to get her. The second man says that he
bought his wife a blue Porsche and a red Porsche for her birthday because if she
didn't like the blue one, she could have the red one, and vice versa.
The next week, the second man asks the other what he finally bought his wife.
He replies, "a necklace and a vibrator."
"Why?" asks the second man.
To which the other man replies, "Because if she doesn't like the necklace,
she can go fuck herself".
Beijing's official "Heilongjiang Legal News" publication reported in January
that the wife of Zhang Jingui, following the advice of a fortuneteller on how to
improve marital relations, cut off his penis with a pair of scissors. The
fortuneteller had concluded that the problem in the relationship was Zhang's
faulty organ and that the wife's only hope was to remove it so that a new one
would grow.
The doctor came in and sat down. "Your husband is at death's door," he said
solemnly. The wife asked, "Can you pull him through?"
The doctor came out of the operating room to talk with the man's wife. "I don't
like the looks of your husband," he said. "Neither do I," said the wife, "but
he's not home much, and he's great with the kids."
It's almost impossible to get tickets to the theater. A woman is there one
night and next to her is an empty seat.
Man next to her: I've never seen an empty seat before. Why is one there?
Woman: It's a sad story. We ordered these tickets two years ago and my
husband just died the other day.
Man: How sad... But why didn't you give them to a relative?
Woman: I would have, but they're all at the funeral.
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country
preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased - what an honest
man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up
there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."
Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love,
a little affection, and a little tenderness?
It means you're in the wrong house.
Why are complaints of married people like the noise of the waves on the shore?
Because they are murmurs of the tied.
"Okay," said the wife, "I'll admit I like to spend money, but it's the only
extravagance I have."
A woman married 35 years asked her husband on their anniversary, "What were
you thinking the very first time you saw me?"
He replied, "I wanted to suck those tits dry and fuck your brains out, dear."
She asked, "And what do you think when you look at me now, darling?"
"I think I did a damn good job!"
A 50-year-old woman comes home from the doctor after getting a physical and
gloats to her husband that the doctor told her she had the body of a
30-year-old. "What about your fat butt?" the husband snaps. "Your name never
came up" the woman replies.
What's an orgasm, mom?
I don't know, dear...ask your father.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same but the dishes are stacking up in the sink.
"You used to hold my hand years ago when we were courting," she said as they
were side by side in bed.
He reached over, took her hand and held it.
"Then you used to kiss me," she purred.
He turned over, gave her a slight kiss and then rolled over again to sleep.
"After that, you used to bite my neck."
With that the husband got up.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth," he grumbled.
Beijing's official "Heilongjiang Legal News" publication reported in January of
1994 that the wife of Zhang Jingui, following the advice of a fortune-teller on
how to improve marital relations, cut off his penis with a pair of scissors.
The fortune-teller had concluded that the problem in the relationship was
Zhang's faulty organ and that the wife's only hope was to remove it so that a
new one would grow.
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