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Man - A Chemical Analysis
Element : Man
Symbol : Ah (short for Asshole)
Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs)
Occurrence : Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect
Wo specimen.
Physical properties :
a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts if
treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore...
zzzzz).
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely
thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo
common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when subtlety,
subterfuge, flattery are applied
Chemical properties :
a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable
conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects (which tend
to turn the specimen bright red.)
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous
variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
Storage :
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable
reaction style.
Uses :
a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
b) Can be used in recreational activities.
Tests :
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast
information on many wavelengths.
Caution :
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a
particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.
Little sister answers the door and announces your date is here...she yells out,
"Shelly, Mr. Four and a Half Inches is here!"
Suzie: Can you beat my total of 71 men?
Jane: If you supply the whips.
A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as
if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me
you were planning to visit Colorado?"
"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."
His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He fell silent and she
continued, "You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply *will not* ask for
directions."
A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished,
the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the
repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous."
There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the
TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch
some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squished up and getting
hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out,
marched across the room and out the front door.
The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set
again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did
you?"
A man came home a day early from a business trip and discovered his wife in
the midst of passionate lovemaking with a total stranger in their bedroom. He
demandingly asked, "What on earth are you doing?!?!!"
The wife turned to the other man and replied, "See, I told you he was a dumb
as a post."
God created Adam and informed him that he had given him a brain and a penis.
The brain was a good gift as it allowed him to do many things. The penis was
also a good thing as it allowed the race to continue. The problem was that God
had only given Adam enough of a blood supply so that he could only use one of
them at a time.
Men are naturally competitive. Even in the Garden of Eden, Adam was afraid
Eve would like the snake's fruit better than his.
God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before you create a
masterpiece.
Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says, "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies, "So she would love you."
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel real good today.
I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five
dollar bill to a bum."
"You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to give away
like that. What did you husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.
Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.
Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
Joe: They all died, Jim.
Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Jim: I see, an accident.
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
A giant truck stops to pick up a hitchhikeress. The driver opens the door and says,
"Come on in. I'm not like the other ones that only let the good-looking girls have a
ride."
Once heard from a girl who just broke up with someone:
My old boyfriend and I weren't compatible. I'm a virgo and he's an asshole.
I had parked my car in the supermarket parking lot and was walking past an
empty cart when I heard a female voice say, "Mister, are you using that cart?"
"No," I answered. "I'm only after one thing."
As I walked toward the store, I heard her murmur, "Typical male."
My boyfriend said that for his physical, the doctor needed a urine specimen, a stool
sample, and a semen specimen.
I told him, "Just give them your underwear."
A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks
down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend
the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have
a minor problem.
Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the
circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch
and you take the bed.
Sister: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.
Ten minutes later...
Sister: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.
Ten minutes later...
Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.
Ten minutes later...
Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if
we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket.
A Guide To Proper Etiquette In The Men's Restroom
Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself
structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been
known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses,"
"commodes," "men's rooms," and
several other names. As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human
race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated
customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.
General rules:
1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an
acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.
2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a
significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only
permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.
3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.
4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep
looking around. Read graffiti.
Grafitti rules:
5. All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace your
graffiti back to you, don't do it.
6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if
nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.
7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different
ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few,
restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If
visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use
the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.
8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress.
Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed.
Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.
9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.
10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management
of the bathroom.
Urinal rules:
11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside.
When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid
standing directly next to somebody at all costs.
For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:
X...... (X = occupied, . = empty)
X.....X
X..X..X
X.X.X.X
XXX.X.X <-- These are only acceptable when significant
XXX.XXX <-- "privacy" dividers are available. If the
XXXXXXX <-- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.
12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know
what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.
13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At
this point, flushing is mandatory.
14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal.
Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.
Toilet rules:
15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.
16. Always flush.
17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.
Special cases:
18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply
for dealing with the females.
a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are
around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her
presence until you're dressed again.
19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if
absolutely no other option is available.
20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't available.
Get behind sufficient growth so that you are completely invisible to the
remainder of your party before you begin. Check carefully that you aren't
near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you
forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a
poor substitute.
Pissing Tips for "Real Men" (Addendum To The Above Rules)
a. Head for the largest open expanse of urinal available. If you stand too close to
someone, they will think that you are gay. If you stand too far away from someone, they
will think that you think that they are gay.
b. Three shakes only. Two is unhygienic, four is a wank.
c. If you fart, say "Whooaa, what a ripper!"
d. Don't look. Real men never compare sizes.
e. Never use the drying machines or the towels. Walking out with wet hands into the bar
looks like the condensation off at least six pitchers.
Types Of Men You Might Find In The Restroom
Absent Minded: Opens his vest, pulls out his tie, and pisses in his pants.
Clever: Uses no hands, shows off by fixing tie with both hands, looks around for
admiration, and sometimes ends up pissing on the floor and onto his shoes.
Cross-eyed: Looks into urinal on the left, pisses into the one in the center, and
flushes the one on the right.
Desperate: Waits in a long time, teeth floating and feet shuffling. Starts to piss
as he walks up to urinal but before he can unzip himself. Lets out a long groan and grunt
as he finally gets to relieve himself.
Disgruntled: Stands for a while, grunts, gives up, and walks away.
Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand and pisses into his pants.
Easily induced: Any thought, mention, sight, or slosh of a liquid, from sipping
coffee to a runny nose, causes bladder to immediately signal full condition.
Efficient: Waits until he has to crap, then does both at once.
Erect: Either because his bladder is full or he just saw a sexy woman, his penis is
so erect that he must thrust his buttocks backward a bit to be able to pull his member out
of his pants.
Excitable: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find the hole, and ends up ripping
his shorts or jamming the zipper into his shirt tail.
Flashy: Tells loud jokes while pissing; shakes off drops with a great flourish.
Frivolous: Plays stream up and down and across the urinal. Likes to see how many
bubbles he can make froth up. Tries to hit and sink the cigarette floating around in the
water. Has never really grown up.
Indifferent: If all the urinals are being used, he goes into a toilet stall to
piss. If all the toilet stalls are taken also, he pisses into the sink or garbage can.
Little: Stands on a box to piss into the urinal, falls in, drowns.
Nosey: Looks into the next urinal to compare himself with the other guy's organ.
Patient: Stands very close for a long time waiting, reading the paper with his free
hand.
Playful: Spots a friend's shoes under the divider wall and redirects aim
accordingly.
Scientific: Backs up from the urinal to take a long shot, misses, and pisses on
shoes.
Slob: Does not bother to flush urinal after using it, drips all over his shoes and
pants when zipping himself back up, and does not bother to wash hands as he leaves with
his fly undone. Usually has to adjust his balls afterwards as he is sitting down.
Sneak: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, and knows that the man
next to him will be blamed.
Sociable: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.
Timid: Cannot urinate if someone is watching, pretends to, and then flushes the
urinal as if he has already used it. Sneaks back in once everyone has left the restroom.
Tough: Bangs dick against side of urinal to dry it.
Worried: Is not sure of what he has been into lately and makes a quick inspection.
Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
Hubby: It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
Man is the king of his castle
A king is a ruler
A ruler is 12 inches
Still think you're a man?
A man was complaining to a friend:
"I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful
woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."
A man finds a lamp and decides to rub the dust off. Then, you guessed it, a
Genie appears. The Genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but
everything the man gets, his mother-in-law gets twice.
The man's first wish is for 10 million dollars. The Genie reminds the man
that his mother-in-law will get 20 million dollars. The man says, "that's ok."
The man's next wish is for a house by the sea. Once again, the Genie reminds
the man that his mother-in-law will get two houses by the sea; once again, the
man says, "that's okay."
The man's last wish is to be beaten half to death.
Real estate man: Would you like to see a model home?
Man: I sure would, when does she get off work?
From the Rochester "Democrat and Chronicle", 4/14/92
Pittsburgh (AP) - If the Titanic went down today, a little more than a third
of men would give up lifeboat seats to women outside their immediate families,
according to a newspaper survey.
"There aren't gentlemanly ways today," said Mike Sigworth, one of 200 people
interviewed for the "Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's" 'Titanic Test.' Everybody would
be just trying to get the hell off the boat."
The Titanic's April 1912 sinking killed 1,490 people, including 1,329 men;
about 300 of 490 surviving passengers were women. Some male survivors were
scorned because they forgot or ignored the tradition of filling lifeboats with
"women and children first."
The "Post-Gazette" asked western Pennsylvania residents if they would save
their own skins or give spots to relatives, celebrities and strangers. The
survey did show a high regard for Mother Theresa. Fifty two percent of male
passengers said they would give up their seats to her, but only 8 percent to
Madonna and 7 percent to Penguins hockey star Mario Lemieux.
Two men are in a bar are boasting about their prowess and one of them says,
"My cock is longer than that cat's tail."
A bet is made, the bartender supplies a ruler, and the cat is roused and
measured.
But when the bartender begins the second measurement, the stud says, "Just a
moment! Where did you measure that cat's tail from?"
"From the asshole." says the bartender.
"Well, kindly do me the same favor."
From A Woman's Viewpoint
Guys, you know how things go. You've been dating the most wonderful girl in
the world for several weeks, even several months, when something odd happens.
Maybe something small, like her starting to wear a particularly rancid brand of
perfume, or maybe something major, like her informing you that she was only
kidding when she said she adored football. Whatever. All you know is that the
thrill has ebbed. Your dreams of this girl are no longer feverish. Your finger
seems loath to dial her number; you become re-enamored of airline stewardesses.
The love affair is, in fact, history.
That middle period of relationships, that perilous time between the
starry-eyed first moments and the cozy, settled period when you may even have
the nerve to fart in bed, is always fraught. It's tricky business, getting to
know each other, a pitfall-a-minute affair. And we women can be just as finicky
as men. Strike the wrong note and we have a tendency to go off our feed
completely. Therefore, I am going to list some common grievances - the things
that make womens' eyes go opaque and cause them to stop returning phone calls.
1. Playing Hard To Get. If a man constantly breaks dates at the last minute
and is often seen squiring different blondes around town, a woman will quickly
tire of him. We've all played that game called "I don't like you as much as you
like me", usually in junior high school. A few of us will play this game
unceasingly, but most of us have better things to do with our time, such as
crocheting doilies. So don't say you're going to call when you're not, don't
leave lipstick-stained cigarette butts in your ashtrays, don't disappear for
weeks at a time. We'll only yawn.
2. Playing Easy To Get. We don't like this, either. (Damn, we're picky!)
There is something off-putting about a man who brings up marriage and children
during the first weeks of courtship, who discusses adjoining burial plots on the
first date, or who professes undying love with lightning speed. A human door
mat is neither amusing nor attractive. And we all know (too well) that a man
who is too intense too soon has no staying power; he is in love with love and
not with us.
3. Refusing To Gossip, Especially After A Juicy Party. This is crucial.
Most women will forgive a man anything...trampling her flower beds, ignoring her
nipples, forgetting her birthday...if only he will stop pretending not to enjoy
a good gossip. There is nothing in the world more irritating than a man who
preserves a stony silence in the car ride home from a dinner party where Gladys
pulled Myrna's husband into the broom closet while Myrna decided it would be fun
to launch into an impromptu cancan right after George announced his sexual
preference for Lithuanian bus boys.
4. Forgetting Foreplay. One must never, as John Cleese put it, stampede the
clitoris. All men know this during their dispassionate, reflective moments, but
when sexual lust rears its insistent head, some men become stricken with amnesia
and think they can just hop on and go at it. They can't. It takes us, I don't
know, approximately 11.7 minutes to become fully aroused. We like to be fondled,
we like to be kissed, we like to be told how gorgeous we are, we crave more than
a bare minimum of caresses. Otherwise, we become cold and hard, which is not
the way you want us.
5. A Plethora Of After-Shave. Or, God forbid, cologne. I personally prefer
the smell of clean, honest sweat above all else, but many women delight in a
hint of subtle fragrance. None of us, however, is partial to an overpowering,
mind-numbing, sticky-sweet odor, so be gentle with your Brut. And eschew all
"essential oils" purporting to smell like strawberries.
6. Telling Dirty Jokes To Get Us In The Mood. No, we are not interested in
the antics of the traveling salesman and the farmer's daughter, though we may be
vaguely intrigued to learn what the bishop said to the actress. The trouble is,
most dirty jokes are not funny. They are simply slimy, smutty, smarmy, and
stupid. These things do not, somehow, turn us on and get us in the right mood.
7. Plying Us With Drinks And Drugs To Get Us In The Mood. We will not
respect you for this clicheed ploy. We may even become contrary.
8. Plying Yourself With Drinks And Drugs. I have a good friend who often
tells the story of a man who, after knowing her for two weeks, decided it would
be fun for her to see him at his worst. He was a wonderful, brilliant, witty
man, but she wasn't prepared to deal with him as a Romilar and Wild Turkey-
saturated psychopath.
9. Bad Laundry Habits. There are men who forget to wash their sheets for
months on end. They think they're being clever buying that dark paisley
pattern, but the nose, unfortunately, knows. Clothes must also be washed
occasionally; it's no good taking a shower only to climb into clothes exuding
petrified body odor.
10. Being Overly Critical. Too much criticism makes anyone want to curl up
into a ball.
No Spitting - A Concise Guide to Life
Five things men should never go out smelling like:
1) The five cartons of cigarettes everyone around you smoked last night.
2) Patchouli oil.
3) Any aftershave meant to evoke where the big bad wolf first saw Little Red Riding Hood.
4) Anything medicinal, hygienic or cosmetic that is mentholated (it doesn't evoke images
of a cool mountain stream; it reminds people of clothes left in storage).
5) Anyone whose keys you don't have.
Four flowers you don't send to anyone you care about:
1) Heliconia and birds of paradise, unless your intended love discos.
2) Carnations.
3) Gladiolus.
4) Dyed daisies.
Five things people don't do anymore:
1) Polish their shoes.
2) Pull out a chair for women, or anyone else for that matter.
3) Look you in the eye when shaking your hand at a party.
4) R.S.V.P. on time.
5) Remember that a man doesn't shake a women's hand unless and until she extends her's.
Nine things people shouldn't do anymore:
1) Talk on a cellular phone in a restaurant.
2) Trust their doctors to have all the answers.
3) Assume that cigarette butts aren't litter.
4) Let their VCR continue blinking 12:00.
5) Pack a suede jacket when traveling to any location damper than Phoenix.
6) Think that "black tie" always means tuxedo.
7) Try to raise ficus trees in an apartment.
8) Wash their hair everyday even if it's on the dry side.
9) Pretend that love is all you need.
Eight elements to successful entertainment:
1) A corkscrew.
2) Candles.
3) Garlic.
4) An '82 Bordeaux.
5) A deck of cards.
6) An umbrella you can lend.
7) A bathrobe softer than terry cloth.
8) An extra Interplak attachment.
Eleven things you should try once:
1) Boudin.
2) Disney World.
3) Getting to a party exactly on time (you'll never hurry again).
4) Reading Jane Austen.
5) Going to the movies alone.
6) Wearing a piece of jewelry without thinking that everyone is looking at it (wedding
bands and school rings don't count).
7) Taking a long honest look in the mirror.
8) Yoga.
9) Going a whole day without eating meat or dairy.
10) Wearing a fabric you've always thought of as luxurious.
11) The opera and a hockey game, preferably during the same week.
Five indications that your clothes fit:
1) No one tickles an exposed piece of skin right when you are reaching farthest.
2) You can bear hug yourself.
3) You almost smiled when you caught yourself in the mirror (until the doubt patrol
started doing its number).
4) You don't readjust every time you stand up.
5) You can dance in them.
Four constructive approaches to thinning hair:
1) Baseball caps (why do you think they're suddenly so popular - team spirit?).
2) Wear it short.
3) Admit shoulder-length fringe is less cool and more Ben Franklin.
4) Read Maria Riva on Yul Brynner.
Three places you should go dressed 'to die for':
1) A great restaurant where you've made no reservations.
2) Your mother's - it's about time she saw you looking good.
3) Wherever they're giving you the award.
Five hints that you're wearing too much black:
1) You approach your closet with a flashlight.
2) You sense your local priest is jealous.
3) It takes more than 10 minutes for your date to find you in a crowd.
4) Gray is starting to look colorful.
5) Widows tell you to cheer up.
Seven musts to have in your car:
1) A detailed map covering a 50-mile radius from your home.
2) Tissues and napkins.
3) Quarters.
4) Breath freshener and eye drops.
5) A valet key (which starts the car but not open the trunk).
6) Glass cleaner.
7) A tape of the "1812 Overture," or something equally awakening.
Five ways to hide things that are too late to fix:
1) Whipped cream.
2) A hat.
3) A turtle neck.
4) Tossing throw pillows on the floor, then saying that everything you've made tonight is
Moroccan.
5) A trunkload of flowers.
Five necessities you can never find that start with 'S':
1) Scissors.
2) Studs.
3) Shoehorns.
4) Shoelaces.
5) Styptic pencils.
Four signs a shoe is not fun or too much fun:
1) The sole is as high as the heel.
2) It has more perforations that you colander.
3) No animal would recognize the skin as its own.
4) The salesman keeps referring to how comfortable it is.
Five remarks people will thank you for making:
1) About something green on their teeth.
2) "Half-mast, buddy!"
3) Where to vote.
4) What color brings out their eyes.
5) That they're dragging a yard of toilet paper.
Four remarks no one will thank you for making:
1) "I used to go out with her too."
2) "Gosh, you look tired."
3) "I think you missed the litter basket."
4) "Wearing that red ribbon doesn't mean you're actually doing anything about
AIDS"
Ten Actions you should know how to do:
1) Tie a bow tie on someone else.
2) Cook a meal from scratch in someone else's kitchen.
3) Keep a secret.
4) Perform CPR.
5) Bargain when the opportunity presents itself.
6) Console someone without platitudes.
7) Change a diaper.
8) Take a compliment with grace.
9) Let yourself be seduced in a part of the house without a mattress.
10) Drive a car.
You must remember these:
1) The city is doing to you what it does to your clothes.
2) If you're one in a million, there are 4,000 people just like you.
3) If you watch your quarters, the laundry will take care of itself.
4) It's only last minute shopping if you plan to die later in the day.
5) Nothing is "fun for the whole family" unless the parents are younger than 10.
6) Your personal trainer is seeing someone else.
7) Nature abhors a vacuum cleaner.
8) If you dress well, people will assume you a have a personal life.
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men (Fall Catalogue)
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for
men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other
better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required.
Etiquette and Behavior:
EB101: PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
EB102: We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Just Give Us The Credit Cards)
EB103: How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere Except In The Bathroom
EB105: You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Damn Well Please
EB106: How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
EB107: Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Your Vocabulary
EB108: Fluffing The Blankets After Farting Is Not Necessary
General Electives:
GE101: You, The Weaker Sex
GE102: Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
GE103: The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
GE105: You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
Home Economics:
HE101: You Too Can Do Housework
HE102: How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
HE103: Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash My Silks")
HE104: Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Cook
HE106: How To Put Down A Toilet Seat (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet")
HE107: How To Tolerate Bras And Pantyhose Hanging In The Bathroom
HE108: How To Color-Coordinate
HE109: Aiming Techniques During Urination
HE110: Overcoming Electronic Gadgetry Obsession
Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
IR102: Reasons To Give Flowers
IR103: Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Often Bullshit
IR104: Romanticism - Other Ideas Beyond Sex
IR105: Marriage - Those Who Talk And Play Together, Stay Together
Life Skills:
LS101: Combatting Stupidity
LS102: Parenting Roles Beyond Initial Conception
LS103: Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
LS105: How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
LS106: The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
LS107: Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
LS108: You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
LS109: Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works!
LS110: You Don't Really Need That Porsche After Thinning Hair And Mid-Life Crisis
LS111: Knowing When To Stop And Ask For Directions When Lost On The Road
Sex Education:
SE101: How To Stay Awake After Sex
SE102:
Fall Semester: You Really Can Fall Asleep Without Doing It, If You Really Try.
Spring Semester: The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake In The Morning, Take A Cold Shower
SE103: Why Women Enjoy Giving Head About As Much As Men Enjoy Taking Out The Garbage
SE104: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "NO"
SE105: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means
"Yes"
SE106: Variations On Sex Positions (formerly called "Women Like To Be On Top
Sometimes Too")
SE107: Alternatives To Handle Cases Of Sudden Erection
SE108: Foreplay - The Slow And Easy Appetizer Preceding The Main Meal
There are three things a man over 40 should never forget:
Never pass up the opportunity to take a leak.
Never trust a fart.
Never take a hard-on for granted.
Women have their faults.
Men have only two.
Everything they say and
everything they do.
Greeting Cards Oriented Towards The Male Buyer
A survey has found that about 90% of all Hallmark greeting
cards are purchased by women. In order to attract more males to buy and exchange greeting
cards, the following are some greeting card suggestions created to attract more male
buyers:
Cover picture: Dim, misty, moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: Consolances
Inside caption: ...on the loss of your remote control.
Cover picture: Nostalgic picture of a young couple strolling through a field holding
hands.
Cover caption: Darling, as we go into our 10th year together...
Inside caption: I swear I'll leave my wife soon!
Cover picture: Gold-leafed picture of a vase of red roses.
Cover caption: Get well soon, darling!
Inside caption: This house doesn't clean itself!
Cover picture: Two men standing on lush golf course, one of them ready to putt.
Cover caption: To my golf partner...
Inside caption: Just to let you know, I'm sleeping with my secretary.
Cover picture: Dark moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: In sympathy, I'm sorry to hear the news...
Inside caption: That you've been beaten senseless again in another bar fight.
Cover picture: Norman Rockwell-ish painting of a young girl picking daisies.
Cover caption: To the daughter that I love...
Inside caption: No daughter of mine is leaving this house dressed like a slut!
Cover picture: Misty photo of a couple embracing and kissing.
Cover caption: To my wonderful wife...I know we've had a little disagreement
Inside caption: But please don't cut off my sex organ as I sleep tonight!
Cover picture: Photo of two men shaking hands.
Cover caption: Congratulations and the best of luck!
Inside caption: To the installation of your new hair plugs!
From James Lileks' "Notes of a Nervous Man":
Wieners come in packs of ten, buns in packs of eight, beer in packs of six,
presliced bologna comes in packs of sixteen slices, condoms come in packs of 3.
Why can't they get it straight? Man needs a calculator just to have a weekend.
My husband has always taken the time to make love to me in a very romantic atmosphere. In
fact, all our kids were conceived during Miller Lite commercials.
A woman is getting a sentimental feeling while watching a beautiful love scene in a movie.
Her husband leans over and whispers those three little words that are on his mind:
"Pass the popcorn."
A man can actually cater to a woman's every need, so long as all that she wants is to have sex, go to ball games, and bring him a beer.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex?
A woman's idea of the perfect man is someone who is obedient, well-mannered, faithful,
can empty the garbage, and is a great lover in bed. Now if only you could train a dog to
have sex in positions other than doggie style and bestiality was more socially accepted...
He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst
way.
She: Well, you succeeded.
They say that men only think about sex. That's not exactly true. They also
care a lot about power, world domination, money, and beer.
A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, "Haven't I seen you
somewhere before?"
"Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the receptionist at the V.D.
clinic."
It would be wonderful if there was a potion that could give the average guy the
physique of Sylvester Stallone, the brains of Ted Koppel, and the sense of humor
of John Goodman. Of course, it could be a little scary. One mix-up and you end
up with a guy with John Goodman's body, Sylvester Stallone's I.Q., and the charm
of Ted Koppel.
Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain
about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
At the mall, women get excited, thrilled, and overjoyed by purchasing the perfect item.
Men experience the same feelings just by finding a close parking space.
If a man was king of the world, he would make every Sunday a Super Bowl Sunday,
outlaw cleaning, and require women to work naked.
A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity.
That's why he dates someone half his age.
So many bachelors lie about their jobs, drive cars they can't afford, wear toupees and
loose shirts that hide their stomachs...and say they want a "real women"!
The Single Woman's Language Guide
How To Translate Menspeak
When He Says................................................... He Really Means
Do you have the time?................. to go to bed
Hello................................. Let's cut the talk and go have sex.
How are you?.......................... in bed, I mean.
I'd like a discreet relationship...... I want sex, but I'm married.
I'll be out of town for a few days.... I'll be spending time with with the wife.
I'm a novelist........................ I have 10 unpublished books.
I'm coming off a long relationship.... My wife is divorcing me.
I'm consulting........................ I'm looking for a job.
I'm divorced.......................... I just slipped off my wedding ring.
I'm in television..................... I fix them.
I'm involved in banking............... I'm a bank guard.
I'm self-employed..................... I just got fired.
I'm sorry I flirted with your sister.. I'm sorry I got caught.
I'm thinking of relocating............ I can't find a job locally in this town.
I can't leave my wife just yet,soon... Be patient forever.
I enjoy reading....................... Playboy and Penthouse.
I have the Midas touch................ I install mufflers.
I like a woman who is intelligent..... As long as she acts like I'm smarter.
I love opera.......................... I want sex, but I've seen an opera once.
I play the market..................... Safeway
I work high up in an executive office. I'm a window washer.
I work with computers................. I'm a cashier at a gas station.
Looking for a satisfying relationship. I want sex.
My business is really hot right now!.. I hand out towels in a steam room.
My job keeps me running............... I'm a messenger.
My wife and I are separated........... She's at home and I'm here at the bar.
How To Verbalize To A Man When Breaking Up With Him
Men are often so wrapped up in their work, with their professions being such a
large part of their personal identity, that when a woman wants to break up a relationship
with a man, it helps if she uses the very same key words he uses on the job, words that he
will understand clearly.
If He Is A......................................... Say To Him, "Our relationship
has...
astronomer.................... been a black hole."
banker/accountant............. gone bankrupt."
bartender..................... been on the rocks."
boxer......................... been K.O.'d."
bus driver.................... reached the end of the line."
carpenter..................... had a sinking foundation."
chemist....................... been under a fume hood for too long."
doctor........................ been malpracticed."
economist..................... been in a ten year recession."
electrician................... been short circuited."
engineer...................... been miscalculated."
fireman....................... been burned to the ground."
geologist..................... been taken for granite."
lawyer........................ been given the death penalty."
mathematician................. been taken to the limit."
milkman....................... gone sour."
miner......................... gone bust."
opera star.................... reached its grand finale."
personnel worker.............. been terminated."
physicist..................... lacked harmonic motion."
pilot......................... lost power in all its engines."
policeman..................... copped out."
politician.................... been impeached."
programmer.................... been core dumped."
race car driver............... run its course."
sailor........................ been lost at sea."
soldier....................... been wiped out."
teacher....................... flunked out."
truck driver.................. overturned on our highway of life."
Men And Automobiles
Man is like an automobile. As it gets older, the differential starts
slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The
transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of
low. The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the
slightest incline.
When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one
wonders if the old bus will make it to the top. The carburetor gets fouled with
pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning.
It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. The
thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The
headlights grow dim, and the battery need constant recharging.
But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the
impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the
primrose lane before the head gasket blows. Gentlemen, start your engines.
Men would rather pledge allegiance to a flag than to a woman.
A man knows:
a) every inch of his car and how to take care of it, but can't say the same about
his girlfriend.
b) knows the exact date that he bought his car, but can't recall his wedding anniversary.
c) can shift gears with a lot more skill in his car than he can in bed.
Men will do anything for women except not fall asleep immediately after sex, tell women
what's wrong when they ask, and ask for directions when they're driving.
The average bachelor really believes he is cooking when he adds milk to a bowl of cereal,
heats up a slice of pizza in the microwave, picks up the phone and orders Chinese food,
warms up leftovers that his mom put in the refrigerator.
All too often, when a man is thinking about a birthday present for his lady, he will wait
until the last minute to buy it, ignore any hints that she has dropped, and then buy the
wrong size, color, and style.
(True story!)
Seems my latest Freudian slip came just as my wife arrived back from a week-long
business trip in Toronto. As she grabbed her luggage and headed off,
She asked, "Did you miss me?"
I replied quite innocently, "It's been so hard without you."
There is no fairness between the way the world considers men and women.
When he comes into the world, all ask, "And how is the mother getting along?"
When he gets married, the only things you hear is, "What a lovely bride."
And when he kicks the bucket, what do people say? "How much did he leave
her?"