Riddles about Men |
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Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.
or
So men can understand them.
What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the
head and pack all that extra snow into balls to make its testicles.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their
decisions.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the stupid ones.
What's the best thing to come out of a penis?
The wrinkles!
What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
Did you hear that they are going to stop circumcising men?
They discovered they were throwing away the best part.
What's the dumbest part of a man's body?
His penis. It has a head without a brain, it swings with two nuts, and it lives
right around the corner from an asshole.
Why don't women have any brains?
Because they don't have any testicles to put them in.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.
Why are men endowed with a half ounce more brains than dogs?
So they know not to embarass themselves by humping women's knees at parties.
Why don't men get hemorrhoids?
Because they are all perfect assholes.
Why do men snore?
When they fall asleep, their balls cover their assholes and they vapor lock.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
How does an older woman keep her youth?
By giving him money.
What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
What is the best way to get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
Who needs a husband?
My dog growls at me every morning, my parrot swears all afternoon, my fireplace
smokes a lot, my cat slinks home in the early morning hours, and I have a
physician who looks me over regularly.
How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Why is it good that we now have female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Do you know why the tribes of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years?
Because even then, men couldn't stop to ask directions.
What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.
How did the angry guy try to kill his pet bird?
Throw it off a cliff.
Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.
What does a smart guy do in an M&M factory?
Proofread.
Why did the man fill his waterbed with beer?
He wanted a foam mattress.
What does a man say when he looks in a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look, donut seeds!"
Why are men like paper cups?
They're dispensable.
Why do blonde women have bruises around their navels?
Blonde men are stupid too.
How can you tell if a man is a WASP?
He gets out of the shower to pee.
What does a woman have to do to keep a man interested?
Wear perfume that smells like beer.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
When a woman gets married, she wants the 3 S's: sensitivity, sincerity, and
sharing. What does she get?
The 3 B's: burps, body odor, and beer breath.
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
What did God say after he created man?
"I can do better than this" and he made woman. But the disruptions created in
Adam's internals when God removed his rib were so great that it caused Adam's
brain to sink down into his testicles. And so one of Eve's first assignments
was to explain to Adam the difference between his black and navy blue socks.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
Women cook, men eat; women clean, men get dirty; women iron, men wrinkle.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men and spray paint alike?
One squeeze and they're all over you.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why do men prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this...
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is 12 inches.
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
What do you call a man with 90% of his intelligence gone?
Divorced
What do you call a woman without an asshole?
Divorced.
What is a macho man?
After getting a blow job, he asks the woman, 'Was it as good for you, as it was
for me?'
What is a more macho man?
At the critical moment, he can't get it up, he asks the woman, 'Does this happen
to you often?'
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.
Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 50,000 miles,
whichever came first.
How can a woman find out what life's like without a man around?
Get married.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
What is the difference between a pregnant belly and a beer belly?
One gives birth and the other gives burps.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How are men like UFOs?
You don't know where they come from, what their mission is, or what time they're
going to take off.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
How is a man and a sports car alike?
Neither one can be depended on and they both move too fast.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is
just having a baby.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single
40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man
thinks often about dating them.
How are boyfriends like cockroaches?
They hang around the kitchen and it's hard to get rid of them.
How are men like diplomas?
You spend lots of time getting one, but once you have it, you don't know what to
do with it.
What piece of furniture was named after the typical man?
The La-Z-Boy recliner.
If men had PMS, what would happen?
a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability.
c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.
d) All of the above.
If one man can wash one stack of dishes in one hour, how many stacks of dishes can four
men wash in four hours?
None. They'll all sit down together and watch football on television.
What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What's a man's worst nightmare?
1) The Super Bowl is pre-empted by a soap opera.
2) His wife has amnesia and forgets how to cook so he has to.
3) A female boss.
4) He has to ask his wife for money.
What's the greatest mystery about men?
How they can get older but still manage to remain immature.
How do you keep a man from wanting sex?
You marry him.
How can you tell if a man's playing around?
He sends you love notes that are photocopied and begin with the line, "To whom it may
concern..."
What usually happens when a man puts his best foot forward?
It ends up in his mouth.
What happens when a man tries to hide his baldness by combing his hair across his head?
The truth comes shining through.
How do most men compare to Mel Gibson?
They have everything he has, except for talent, money, and looks.
Before money was invented, what did women find attractive about men?
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men
dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
How could Will Rogers say, "I never met a man I didn't like"?
He never had to date one.
How can you tell if a man you're dating is lazy?
He *throws* his kisses.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
How can you tell it's puppy love for a man?
He slobbers all over you.
What can a woman find at both gyms and singles bars?
Dumbbells.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
What are the only two kinds of men?
Studs and duds.
What do men have difficulty retaining?
a) a job
b) a budget
c) a promise
d) a secret
e) a friendship
f) a marriage
g) an anniversary date
h) a 30-minute erection
i) all of the above
What could men do to make their marriages last longer?
Pay less attention to prenuptial agreements and more to postnuptial affection
and sex.
What does a man notice most when he's at the beach with his girlfriend?
Every other woman there.
How do some men avoid making a wrong career move?
They never get a job.
What is a "man about town"?
He's here, there, and everywhere, except home.
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.
What does a man think foreplay is?
a) It's something that you do on the golf course.
b) It's something that occurs 2 minutes before having sex.
Why do a married man and his single male friend envy each other?
Each one thinks the other is having sex more often.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
Why do so few men end up in heaven?
They never stop to ask for directions.
The men who do make it to Heaven are going to have a rude awakening up there
when they find out two things: God is a woman...and she nailed down all of
Heaven's toilet seats!
What's the real reason men can't communicate?
It's hard to drink beer and talk at the same time. At first, I thought my guy was the
strong silent type. But lately, I've realized, he has nothing to say.
When do men insist that women are illogical?
When a woman doesn't agree with them.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have feelings.
What's the easiest way for a wife cause hearing loss in her husband?
Say she wants to talk to him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, man will screw anything.
How many husbands does it take to change a light bulb?
We'll know as soon as one gets off the couch and does it.
or
Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let the bitch do it by herself.
or
None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.
How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to open a beer can?
None. The bitch should have had it open when she brought it.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Nobody knows. It has never happened.
How many men does it take to dirty up 12 pots while cooking a meal?
One.
How are a husband and a cat similar when it comes to housework?
They're both afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
What is the only weight lifting many men do in a day?
Lifting themselves out of bed and doing arm curls with beer can dumbbells.
What is the average number of times in a bachelor's life that his bed is made?
Once, when it was still in the factory.
Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?
1) Get away or I'll call the police!!!
2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.
What's the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday.
Why do balding men comb the few wisps of hair that they still have across their heads?
So they can fool themselves.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.
"Three Men And A Baby"
What you get when four men go fishing and one comes back after having caught nothing.
Why did the man cross the road?
Because his penis told him to.
or
Because he thought he could get laid if he did.
or
So the woman driving down the street could hit him. (You know us women, we just
can't drive worth shit...)
or
Because another man dared him to and called him a pussy.
What do you do if your bank account stops working?
Throw the guy out of the house.
What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!
How does a real man know whenever his girlfriend is having an orgasm?
A real man doesn't care.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women.
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.