Women Jokes and Sexist Humour

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Woman - A Chemical Analysis

Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
Discoverer : Adam
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower
concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal
fluctuations.

Physical Properties :
a) Surface usually covered with painted film.
b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
c) Melts if given special treatment.
d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties :
a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in
alcohol to a certain point.
e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses :
a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests :
a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution :
a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
b) Illegal to possess more than one.

So, God made Adam. Adam was walking around one day and realized that he was lonely, so he asked God for a companion. God said, "I can make a woman for you. She will cook and clean and do everything you ask her to. She will wait on you hand and foot. She will be so beautiful that you won't be able to take your eyes off of her. It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg, though."
Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"

A job negotiator and a feminist were in dispute... The feminist was argueing over the different pay scales that her women were receiving...
Fem: Okay, why are women paid less than men for doing the same job that a man does.
Neg: It says in the Bible that women are worth less than men.
Fem: Where does it say that? I don't think so.
Neg: Well, you do agree that woman was made from a rib, correct?
Fem: Yeah, so?
Neg: Well, there you have it. A rib is a cheaper cut of meat!

A man and woman were lying in bed on night and the woman said to the man, "I sure wish I had bigger tits."
Well the man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them.
The woman looked at him and said "Toilet paper, what will that do?"
The man said, "I don't know, but look what it's done for your arse."

"I'd like my wife to be beautiful, well-behaving, smart and rich." the bachelor said.
"Oh, well, then you have to get married four times."

A male-to-female transexual was recently interviewed on a radio talk show.
The DJ asked the transexual about what, if any, pain the person experienced
during the operation. The transexual replied, "Well, when they cut my penis off,
that really didn't hurt too much. Even when they implanted the breasts in my
chest, well, that really didn't hurt too much either...."
"Then you didn't experience any real physical pain at all then?"
"Hell no! It hurt like hell when they stuck that big fucking needle in my
head and sucked out all my brains and then cut my salary in half!"

What's the definition of a perfect woman?
a) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can put a pint of beer on it.
b) The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in.
c) The economy model fucks all night and, at midnight, turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

Here's a good putdown line for women:
A man walks up and says haven't we met before?
Say yes, I'm Kathy, the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.

One day, God went to find Adam and Eve in the garden, but found that Adam was sitting by himself.
"Where's Eve?" He asked.
"Well," said Adam, "She started to bleed. This happens every month or so."
"So where is she?" asked God.
"Well, she went down to the river to wash up." replied Adam.
"Damn," said God. "Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish."

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue

Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required.

Etiquette and Behavior:
EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) - Learning To Sleep Over At Mother's
EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas (Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)
EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company
EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
EB107: Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not Necessary

General Electives:
GE101: You, The Whining Sex
GE102: Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

Home Economics:
HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too
HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
HE106: How To Close The Garage Door
HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
HE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity
HE110: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")

Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
IR102: If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
IR103: Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching "The Three Stooges"
IR105: Marriage - The Number One Cause Of Divorce

Life Skills:
LS101: Combatting The Impulse To Nag
LS102: Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
LS103: Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
LS105: Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
LS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
LS107: Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
LS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
LS109: You Too Can Carry A Backpack
LS110: Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your Brain
LS111: Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
LS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause
LS113: How To Parallel Park

Sex Education:
SE101: Reasons To Give Head To Your Man
SE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 Minutes
SE103: Fall Semester: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep Spring Semester: It's Okay To Do It Outside Of The Bedroom
SE104: How To Say "Yes" More Often
SE105: How To Say "No" But Really Mean "Yes"
SE106: Lingerie - The Gift That Keeps On Giving
SE107: Sexual Alternatives For "That Time Of The Month" (formerly called "Any Old Port In A Storm")
SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)

And God Created The Woman

He was so pleased with his creation that he calls in three of his top advisors:
His chief Carpenter, His Chief Tailor, and His Chief Architect.

He presents his creation to his Chiefs and asks them for suggestions and
comments.

The Carpenter says:
"Too many forms, you need to straighten things out, flatten it out."
God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks"

Then the Tailor says:
"Too many strings (hair) sticking out, you need to trim them."
God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks"

Then the Architect says:
"Wonderful creation, absolutely superb, but next time, please do not place the toilets next to the reception room"

When God made man,
he made him out of string.
He had a little left,
so he left a little thing.
When God made woman,
he made her out of lace.
He didn't have enough,
so he left a little space.

How To Translate Womenspeak

When She Says                    She Really Means

No...................................... Yes.
Of course I'm not upset................. Of course I'm upset, you moron!
I might as well tell you
Bob and I are seeing each other......... Bob and I are having sex.
I feel I've known you my whole life..... I'm drunk.
Will you respect me in the morning?..... You won't tell your friends, will you?
I never do this on my first date........ I always do this on my first date.
Don't touch me there.................... Touch me there, but I'm going to stop you
                                         the first few times.
You're...so manly....................... You need to shave and you sweat a lot.
Hello? Oh yes. Didn't we meet at the
                   bar Friday night?.... I've been waiting by the phone for thre days
Let's not talk "commitment". Let's
             just see what happens...... I'm not taking any birth control pills.
You're certainly lovely tonight......... Is sex all you ever think about?
I can't believe you're here.It must
                           be fate...... I've been following you all day.
I'm particular who I have sex with...... I draw the line at barnyard animals.
I'm not emotional and
             I'm not over-reacting...... I'm having my period.
I hope you're not disappointed.......... I'm flat chested.
Want to come upstairs for a nightcap?... Want to come upstairs and have sex?
Just come upstairs for a drink.......... Maybe if I get you drunk you'll have sex with me.
I love a man who takes charge........... You're picking up the bill, aren't you?
Be romantic...turn out the lights....... I have flabby thighs.

A women described that one night, while she and her husband were making love, she suddenly noticed something sticking in his ear. When she asked him what it was he replied,
"Be quiet, woman! I'm listening to the cricket."

It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with bad legs should stick to long shirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.

An old woman saved a Fairy's life. To repay this, the Fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.
For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful.
Poof! She became young and beautiful.
For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world.
Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.
For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years.
Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth.
The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes.
After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"

A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these stops and starts get you pretty worn out?"
"It isn't the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."

The women at one college called a would-be romeo a great natural athlete. He makes every broad jump.

In response to calls for sexual equity, Pillsbury recently added a new
Pillsbury Doughgirl character to the well known Doughboy. Unfortunately, she
couldn't come to work this week because she had a yeast infection.

I don't think the leading feminist realized what she was saying when she told a reporter, "As long as women are split like we are, men will remain on top."

A woman needs only four animals in her life: a mink on her back, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.

An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time. One
was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they had the same
fiancee, and told him: "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll teach you that
you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."

Bangkok, Thailand

A member of the ruling junta who oversees Thai Airways International has ordered the carrier to hire more-attractive stewardesses.
"We have received a lot of complaints that our air hostesses are not pretty enough, too old and unsmiling," Air Chief Marshal Kaset Rojananil said. In an interview published in "The Nation", "The airline has been hiring too many college-educated women", he said, adding, "Intelligent women tend not to be good looking."

A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Bischoff, one of the leading anatomists of Europe, thrived in the 1870s. He
carefully measured brain weights, and after many years' accumulation of much
data he observed that the average weight of a man's brain was 1350 grams, that
of a woman only 1250 grams. This at once, he argued, was infallible proof of
the mental superiority of men over women. Throughout his life, he defended this
hypothesis with the conviction of a zealot. Being the true scientist, he
specified in his will that his own brain be added to his impressive collection.
The postmortem examination elicited the interesting fact that his own brain
weighed only 1245 grams. - Scientific American [March 1992]

Striking up a conversation with the attractive woman seated beside him on a
coast-to-coast flight, a would-be Romeo asked, "What kind of man are you
attracted to?"
"I've always been drawn to Native American men," she replied. "They're in
harmony with nature."
"I see," said the man, nodding.
"But, then, I really go for Jewish men who put women on a pedestal, and I can
rarely resist the way Southern gentlemen treat their ladies with respect."
"Please allow me to introduce myself," said the man. "My name is Tecumseh
Goldstein, but all my friends call me Bubba."

A recent study has found that most women are wearing the wrong bra size. The
nation's average bra size has also been steadily increasing from 34B to 36C, on
its way up to a 38C.

A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.
Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down. After this goes
on for awhile, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need
more tail."
The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women. I
just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she said to go fly a kite."

There are nine very important men in a woman's life. They are:
Her Doctor; he says, "Take your clothes off."
Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide."
Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?"
Her Gardener; he says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?"
Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in."
Her Remodeler; he says, "It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering."
Her Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
Her Banker; he says, "If you take it out, you'll lose interest."

The bachelor who complained that the women he selected would not remain his
friend for more than a few weeks was told, "Your problem is that you are looking
for a particular kind of woman. You ought to be looking for the kind of woman
who is not particular."

A lonely divorcee was driving home from work one evening when she saw a man
trying to hitch a ride. She picked him up and they got to talking.
"What do you do?" she asked him.
"I recently escaped from prison for having killed my wife."
"Oh, does that mean you are available?"

Most accidents happen at home!
And the men have to eat them.

I think it was in Britain where a billboard advertising a car read:
"If this car was a woman, she'd get pinched in the butt."

Underneath which a graffiti read:
"If this woman was a car, she'd run you over."

My wife gave me a lesson the other night on User Interface Problems, that really
points up some of the differences between the sexes. We were watching CNN's
Technology program they have on weekends, when a segment on Virtual Reality came
on. Looking at the all the wires and gadgets, she turned to me and said that
Virtual Reality would never catch on with women. I was puzzled by this, until
she explained, "Every womens first thought on seeing that helmet will be, 'I
can't wear that. It will mess up my hair!'"

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets
up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up
the customs of a patriarchial society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his
seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again
and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two
miles past my stop already."

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