Relationships

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Clearly it is not the lovelorn sufferer who seeks solace in chocolate, but rather the chocolate-deprived individual, who, desperate, seeks in mere love a pale approximation of bittersweet euphoria.

- Sandra Boynton "Chocolate - The Consuming Passion"

The 9 Types of Relationships
(from Matt Groening's very funny "Love Is Hell" 1985 Pantheon Books; buy it!)

Woman + Wimpy
She: "How many times have I told you not to cringe?"
He: "312?"
Advantages: Symbiotic; plus maybe she'll get laryngitis and shut up.
Drawbacks: Permanent laryngitis unlikely.

Brute + Jumpy
He: "Me and her get along just fine."
She: "I think I'll have a little drink now."
Advantages: Won't last.
Drawbacks: Next relationship will be just the same.

Look-Gooders
He: "Ciao, darlin."
She: (kiss noise)
Advantages: These young professionals look great together.
Drawbacks: They couldn't care less about each other.

Sourballs vs. The World
He: "Can you believe this garbage on TV?"
She: "Goddamned re-runs."
Advantages: Smug cheerlessness.
Drawbacks: Cheerless smugness.

I'm With Stupid X 2
He: "Where's the beef?"
She: "Tee Hee Hee"
Advantages: They know oodles of jokes.
Drawbacks: They will tell them.

Mr. And Mrs. Boredom
He: "Honeybuns, do you ever wonder if maybe there's more to life than the two of us just sitting here night after night?"
She: "Nope."
Advantages: Warm, comfy, snoozy.
Drawbacks: Insipid nicknames.

Jolly Jugular Jabbers
He: "I love that little idiot, ha ha. Heh heh."
She: "He's not as stupid as he looks, ho ho. Hee hee."
Advantages: Smiles galore.
Drawbacks: Cruel nicknames.

Cobra + Mongoose
He: "Grrrr"
She: "Grrrr"
Advantages: The thrill of victory.
Drawbacks: The agony of a toaster hurled at your face.

Love Bunnies
He: "I wuv you"
She: "I wuv you too"
Advantages: Bliss, intimacy, joy, satisfaction, fulfillment.
Drawbacks: Sickening, isn't it?

The 9 Types of Boyfriends
(from Matt Groening's very funny "Love Is Hell" 1985 Pantheon Books; buy it!)

Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup.
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts.
Drawbacks: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy.

Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk.
Advantages: Stays put; predictable.
Drawbacks: Royal pain in the ass.

Flinchy - "I...I'm sorry. For whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you.
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled.
Drawbacks: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle.

Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb.
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled.
Drawbacks: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig.

Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict.
Advantages: Well rested; easy target.
Drawbacks: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams.

The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch.
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt.
Drawbacks: May be having time of his life.

Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster.
Advantages: Perpetually aroused.
Drawbacks: Perpetually aroused.

The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but -"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool.
Advantages: Tells good stories.
Drawbacks: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus".

Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy.
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer.
Drawbacks: Hunted to extinction.

The 9 Types of Girlfriends
(from Matt Groening's very funny "Love Is Hell" 1985 Pantheon Books; buy it!)

Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat.
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly.
Drawbacks: May wise up someday.

Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell.
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Drawbacks: Screeches, throws frying pans.

Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy.
Advantages: Predictable.
Drawbacks: Contagious.

The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom.
Advantages: Often right.
Drawbacks: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey.
Advantages: Easily soothed.
Drawbacks: Even more easily perturbed.

Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out.
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Drawbacks: Unreliable; drives off cliffs.

Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly.
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Drawbacks: You will have no friends.

Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic.
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable.
Drawbacks: Will read her poetry aloud.

Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now."
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous.
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited.
Drawbacks: Will have nothing to do with you.

The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by exponential progression when he is already in the company of:
(1) a date,
(2) his wife,
(3) a better looking and richer male friend.

Simply Put...Women Speak In Estrogen And Men Listen In Testosterone...

Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged.

Relationships:

First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers
to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis".
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she
will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up,
at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let
you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and
you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for
us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that
99% if all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer
courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove
effective.

Admitting Mistakes:

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he
was wrong was General George Custer.

Bathrooms:

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number
of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to
identify most of these items.
Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves. Women's Restrooms
always have long lines.

Cameras:

Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of
the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women
purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better
pictures.

Cats:

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
kick cats.

Cheerleaders:

Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male
cheerleaders are scary.

Comedy:

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television,
and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very
excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of
Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait
it out.

David Letterman:

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Directions:

If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings,
she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a
sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive
in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found
a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I
recognize that 7-11 store."

Dressing Up:

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings,
funerals.

Eating out:

When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills,
even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and
none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check,
out come the pocket calculators.

Garages:

Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use
garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in
garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Going Out:

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a
woman says she is ready to go out, it means she **will** be ready to go out, as
soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

Groceries:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys
these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a
lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks
good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed
tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will
not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Handwriting:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-
scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with
circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and
"g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping
you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Hats:

Women look good in hats; men look like idiots.

Jewelry:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one
ring and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer
named Vic.

Laundry:

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years
ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will
wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of
clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the
laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love,
American Style."

Leg Warmers:

Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the
dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.
A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball"
number in "A Chorus Line."

Locker Rooms:

In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women.
They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they
think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one
thing in the locker room - sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are
extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Low Blows:

Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the
boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must have hurt."
The man groans and doubles over, and actually *feels* the pain.

Magazines:

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines
also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a
beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be
seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's
body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Maturity:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as
adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Menopause:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of
these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform
reaction - he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving
gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

Mirrors:

Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors,
spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.

Moustaches:

Some men look good with moustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt
Reynolds. There are no women who look good with moustaches.

Movies:

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is
because most movies in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The
only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is
another reason why men hate him.
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh
for the first time in "Gone With the Wind". For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney
shoves grapefruit in May Clark's face in "Public Enemy".

Nicknames:

With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like
"Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria,
Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other
Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out
for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head,
Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.

Offspring:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods
and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short
people living in the house.

Plants:

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man
waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment
full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Politics:

Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such
as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy's is growing
up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and
cry on election night.

Restrooms:

Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as
social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women
who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And
never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant
table by saying, "Hey, Bob, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to
join me?"
This difference may be due to the fact that women don't have to hold their
genitals in the bathroom, which might make one feel self-conscious. Not having
this problem, women can chat away quite comfortably while "powdering their
noses". And yes, they are talking about men in their chats.
Another theory is that when women "powder their noses", all they have to do
is sit there. What else is there for them to do but talk to other women. Men,
however, must be much more attentive to such matters. If a male turns too much
to talk to someone, he'll be leaking on his shoe. Men must be very serious and
patient because heaven only knows if the stream of urine will suddenly change
direction. And after all is done, men must try to remove any excess moisture
unless he soils his underwear. And unlike women, there is no tissue paper nearby
with which to wipe. A man must use his own skills at "towel snapping" to do the
job. But no man wants to shake it forever because he might look like he's
playing with himself. The shaking routine also varies culturally as most men in
the U.K. are 'pullers' as opposed to 'shakers'. Of course, no matter how much a
man shakes or pulls, chances are still good that he'll get that little dribble
down the leg, which will expand to the size of Lake Ontario if he is wearing
synthetics. After the shaking or pulling comes the tucking-it-all-back-in
routine, where the male tries to not leave anything delicate in the path of the
approaching zipper. As the men are all leaving the restroom, trying to button
up their Levi's, they are still trying not to look as if they're playing with
themselves. For a man, a trip to the bathroom is a very serious matter. You
wouldn't gossip and chatter at a board meeting would you?
For the male, there are also the considerations like seeing how far up the
trough he can pee, bombing the cigarette butt, peeling off the killer fart that
he didn't want to loose off at the bar and, his favorite, making that grunt/sigh
noise as the first gush lets go, sort of a "Nnnngwwwwwaaaaa". Actually, that's
about the time the first fart goes too.

Richard Gere:

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate
Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health
club and dates only married women.

Madonna:

Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

Sex:

Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Shoes:

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip
on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks.
When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later
she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the
same pair of shoes all day.

Socks:

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear
strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of
clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Sports Arenas:

Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The
women usually end up following men.

Telephone:

Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to
send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two
weeks , and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will
talk for three hours.

Toys:

Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or
12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they
get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.
Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers
and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command,
video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries
to operate. However, the only toys women still keep around when they grow up
still require batteries, only few in number and smaller in size.

Underwear:

Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored
underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides
solid white.

Weddings:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk
about "the bachelor party".

Matrimony Made Easy

This is not a joke. And "How to Marry the Man of Your Choice" (Matrimonial
Press Report) is not a jokebook. At $95, this 167-page textbook, written by
Margaret Kent, an attorney from Key Biscayne, Florida, is subtitled "The
Marriage Manual for Single Women." It tells us, "This book will teach you how
to determine what a man really wants in a wife... Consider all men living
laboratories and test the results for yourself... Start with lesser men for
training." For those of you who can't afford the 95 bucks (never mind the $1295
for the course the book accompanies), here are a few things women don't tell
men.

On Appearance

Excessive use of perfume makes a woman less desirable. Perfumes are
manufactured from fragrances of herbs, flowers, and other substances that are
put into some medium that is strong enough to hold the odor. That medium is
often ambergris...a secretion from the intestines of the sperm whale. In other
words, you and your man may smell the odor of whale puke instead of enjoying the
fragrance of flowers or herbs.
Cleanliness is especially important. If a woman uses enough soap and has
that clean, fresh look that a recent shower gives, she could wear a potato sack
and still be desirable for her male.
T-shirts are great. It doesn't take much male imagination to know that in
less than five seconds, they are off over your head.
Food particles between the teeth, especially the front teeth, are highly undesirable.

On Dating

If you need to pass gas (fart), excuse yourself from his presence. Try not
to destroy illusions by unpleasant odors. If you need to pass gas, face him.
If you must chew gum and smoke, do not do both at the same time.
Eat the food on your plate only. Leave his food for him.
Be a bitch, not a nag... Bitchy females get the men.
Don't pay much attention to the anger your man expresses before dinner. He
is hungry and everything bothers him.
Gourmet cooking is not required for most men. However, most women would do
better in attracting a man if they devoted a fraction of the time they spent in
learning bedroom techniques to learning kitchen techniques.

On Sex

Never deny sex, because that dooms any ideas of his marrying you.
Don't expect him to sleep on crumpled or wet sheets. If necessary, you should sleep on the wet spot.
Do not ridicule the size of his penis or make unfavorable comparisons to other males.
If you are overweight, it may be best if you avoid pressing down on him when you are on top.
A typical male will lay almost any female if there are no repercussions.
Always play it safe sexually by consenting only to acts that are generally acceptable. Place the burden of deviation upon him.
One step you can take to enhance a sexual encounter is to evoke some anger in your male, but not furor, before sex.
After sex, the male is exhausted and has no immediate need of you as a female... After intercourse, the man will have little energy left. Be prepared to revive him with coffee, sweets, and appetizing snacks.
If the relationship continues to be nonsexual after an extended period of time, the man may not be normal.
If a man suffers from premature ejaculation, just make him prolong satisfaction slightly so he holds out an extra moment. Let us say it takes him a minute to satisfy... Bet him that the next time you have sex, he will satisfy in a minute and a half.
Prepare yourself emotionally for the sex act by fancying yourself in the presence of a surrogate partner you have longed for in the past. If you have fired up your imagination to a climactic state, your man can easily satisfy you.
Virginity is looked upon favorably by some religious fanatics, recent immigrants from tradition-bound societies, and men who have never had sex. The typical male views virginity in the mature female as a curse, not a blessing.
If an adult woman tells her male that she is a virgin, he is likely to wonder why no man has wanted her before.

On Things Women Know About Men

Men love to tell their stories! They love to tell about themselves to a point that they become boring.
Anticipation conditions a conventional male, who was on the losing side of the revolution, into believing he will receive something of great value in the initial and subsequent sexual acts.
If we tell our males at six P.M. that we are lovely, they may have the mental energy to fight off this idea... If your male is particularly tired and exhausted, he is especially susceptible to your suggestions. His exhaustion is especially useful for implanting the ideas of your worth, especially that you are lovely, good, desirable, and would be the perfect wife.

Little Kids Talk About Love

Concerning why love happens between two particular people...

One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles
too. - Andrew, age 6
No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how
you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular. - Mae, age 9
I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest
of it isn't supposed to be so painful. - Manuel, age 8

On what falling in love is like...

Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. - John, age 9
If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do
it. It takes too long. - Glenn, age 7

On the role of beauty and handsomeness in love...

If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it
doesn't hurt to be beautiful. - Anita C., age 8
It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything
and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet. - Brian, age 7
Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time. - Christine,
age 9

Reflections on the nature of love...

Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good
too. - Greg, age 8

How do people in love typically behave?

Mooshy...like puppy dogs...except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as
much. - Arnold, age 10
All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can sit together in the
dark. - Sherm, age 8

Concerning why lovers often hold hands...

They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good
money for them. - Gavin, age 8
They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle
someday and do the holy matchimony thing. - John, age 9

Confidential opinions about love...

I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on
television. - Jill, age 6
Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime. - Floyd, age 9
Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place... We were behind a tree. -
Carey, age 7
Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to
hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me. - Dave, age 8
I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough.
- Regina, age 10

The personal qualities you need to have in order to be a good lover...

Sensitivity don't hurt. - Robbie, age 8
One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons
of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills. - Ava, age 8

Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you...

Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores. - Del, age 6
Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if
their parents are right there. - Manuel, age 8
Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention,
but attention ain't the same thing as love. - Alonzo, age 9
One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes
to eat. French fries usually works for me. - Bart, age 9

How can you tell if two adults eating dinner at a restaurant are in love?

Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in
love. - Bobby, age 9
Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold...
Other people care more about the food. - Bart, age 9
Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans
it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up. - Sarah, age 9
See if the man has lipstick on his face. - Sandra, age 7
It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to
order those because it's just like how their hearts are, on fire. - Christine,
age 9

Titles of the love ballads you can sing to your beloved...

'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?' - Arnold, age 10
'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.' - Larry, age 8
'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!' - Eddie, age 6
'I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother Me When I'm with My
Friends.' - Bob, age 9
'Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget You Are One!' -
Will, age 7

What most people are thinking when they say "I love you"...

The person is thinking 'Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers
at least once a day.' - Michelle, age 9
Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it
out and said it and now they can go eat. - Dick, age 7

How was kissing invented?

I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over,
and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their
houses. - Gina, age 8

How a person learns to kiss...

You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls. - Julia, age 7
You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.
- Brian, age 7
It might help to watch soap operas all day. - Carin, age 9

When is it okay to kiss someone?

When they're rich. - Pam, age 7
It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's
why I stopped doing it. - Tammy, age 10
If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you
have to ask permission. - Roger, age 6

How to make love endure...

Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work. - Dick, age 7
Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love. - Erin, age 8
Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the
trash. - Dave, age 8
Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind. Love isn't like
picking what movie you want to watch. - Natalie, age 9

The Rules (*)

For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in effect in every relationship.

1. The female always makes the rules.

2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all the rules.

4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must
immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding which was
a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.

7. If rule number six applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing
the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the
female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be
angry or upset.

12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants
him to be calm, angry or upset.

13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.

14. The female always gets the last word!

(*) These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit.

Is It Love Or Infatuation?
By Ann Landers

Infatuation is instant desire - one set of glands calling to another.
Love is friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows, one day at
a time.
Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager,
but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little
bits and pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too
closely. It might spoil the dream.
Love is the quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection. It is
real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you - to bolster your beloved. You
are warmed by their presence, even when they are away. Miles do not separate
you. You have so many wonderful little films in your head that you keep
replaying. But near or far, you know they are yours, and you can wait.
Infatuation says, "We must get married right away. I can't risk losing them."
Love says, "Be patient. Don't panic. Plan your future with confidence."
Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. Whenever you are together,
you hope it will end in intimacy.
Love is not based on sex. It is the maturation of friendship, which makes
sex so much sweeter. You must be friends before you can be lovers.
Infatuation lacks confidence. When they're away, you wonder if they're
cheating. Sometimes, you check.
Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. They feel your
trust, and it makes them even more trustworthy.
Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret, but love never
steers you in the wrong direction.
Love is an upper. It makes you feel whole. It completes the circle. It
fills the empty space in your heart. Love is elevating. It lifts you up. It
makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person than
you were before. If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many
things you don't have. If there is no love in your life, whatever else there is
has a lot less meaning.

O'Riordan's Theorem: Brains x Beauty = Constant

Purmal's Corollary:
As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, availablity goes to zero.

Son, all the beautiful, intelligent, healthy young women are taken. It's a basic
law of the universe, and if you don't like it, go somewhere else. - Ken
Johnson's (krj@festival.ed.ac.uk) dad, 1906-1992

Many a relationship could be thrown a curve ball if women always told the truth in bed. Imagine the revelation...
She: Get off of me, will ya!!
He: Whatsa matter, am I hurting you?
She: No, you're not hurting me, you're annoying me. You think you could hurt me with THAT?!?

This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been
afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

"So you think you could end all unemployment, do you?" asked the interviewer.
"And how, if I may be so bold to inquire?"
"Why, I'd put all the men on one island and all the women on another."
replied Paddy.
"And what would they be doing then?"
"Building boats!"

How To Locate Studs

The most secure way to attach just about anything to a wall is to fasten it
to the studs. To find framing members buried behind a drywall or plaster
surface, try one or a combination of these strategies. Start your search in the
center of a wall, because studs there are uniformly spaced. Once you've located
one, measure 16 inches in each direction and see if you can verify more studs.
Look For Visual Clues. Baseboards (but not shoe moldings) are typically
nailed into studs, and electrical receptacles are usually attached to one side
of a stud or the other, which you can check by removing the cover.
Bore A Small Hole And Probe. Feed a stiff wire, such as a straightened coat
hanger, into th cavity and probe to one side. When it stops at a stud, bend the
wire at the hole, withdraw it, and use it as a guage to mark the stud's location
on the face of the wall.
Use An Electronic Stud Finder. Move one of these inexpensive devices along a
wall and it will sense the difference in density between where the wall is
backed by a stud and where there is empty space. This is the easiest and most
accurate way to locate studs.

(excerpted from "The Stanley Complete Step-By-Step Book Of Home Repair And
Improvement", page 147)

provided as a public service to the female dating community. ;-)

Woman-To-Woman Chat

Hey girls, never date a guy who always wears tight jeans. You should figure
that if he can wear tight jeans and still be comfortable, he doesn't have
anything in them that would interest you.
Also, since I started dating, I have followed one of my mother's quaint old
sayings: "Don't pick that up! You don't know where it's been!"
I also plan on writing a screenplay about the men I've been out with, and
call it "Dances With Wolves".

Why is going to a singles bar like being a matador?
You have to dodge a lot of bull.

Men are sometimes more suspicious and distrustful of their mates in a
relationship than women. This distrust may have its origins very early in life
during the circumcision when the doctor leans over and says, "This won't hurt a
bit, I promise!"

My girlfriend and I were in a restaurant and this strikingly attractive woman
in a short black dress walked by.
My eyes couldn't help but follow her as she passed by our table.
The girlfriend glared at me and snapped, "So, do you want to date her??"
To which I stuttered, "Ummmm...1968, perhaps?"

There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered:
entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates
with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest
suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment
can be reduced proportionately. When the affection is the entertainment, we no
longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. - Miss
Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour

The Orange County Register (California newspaper) had an article entitled "Dates
from Hell". It featured letters from various people about their experiences.
Here are a few (names deleted):

The Restaurant Tirade

My date and I were drinking coffee and eating ice cream in a restaurant. I
was enjoying his extravagant compliments when I saw a snarling woman walk up
behind him.
She addressed him for all to hear and he spun around. He made hasty,
embarrassed introductions. "Does your friend know you're engaged to be
married?" she yelled. "How would you like it if I pulled her long hair out by
the roots?" she threatened. Her tirade went on for 30 minutes.
You may wonder why I let it go on for so long. Well, when you're a senior
citizen, you don't get this kind of excitement.

Shopping at Sears

I was not impressed when my date showed up in 100 percent polyester,
including outdated bell-bottoms that were checkered and much too short,
revealing white socks and slip-on, non-leather shoes.
His car didn't look much better. I've never made it a point to ask guys what
kind of car they drive, but it's worth knowing if a car is safe to ride in. His
definitely wasn't. It was a huge, old "boat"-style car, rusted out and sporting
a crack in the windshield. Beneath my feet was a factory recall notice from
1968.
As we journeyed on, my only hope was that he would make it safely to the
restaurant he had chosen for me, one of his favorites, he said. He pulled into
the parking lot of a place known for its "blue plate specials" and rubbery
quiche.
After that he treated me to a free concert, but we agreed the band was pretty
bad. He suggested we continue the evening by shopping at Sears for a bicycle he
had seen in a sale flier.

The Short-of-Change Artist

My date asked me to go with him and some friends to a Raiders game on one of
those bus package deals... The bus provided free beer in cans and he wanted me
to smuggle several cans into the coliseum. I gave him my jacket and said he
could take the responsibility for smuggling.
After the game, we emerged to a parking lot of about 10,000 buses that looked
alike. All 10,000 had their motors running, and we began walking through the
fumes looking for our bus. As we walked we came upon dozens of beer-filled men
relieving themselves against the tires of the closely parked buses.
Then, one by one, those buses pulled away without us. Finally, it was just
me and my date in a dark parking lot in a strange neighborhood. We walked
across the street to a liquor store, where he went to the men's room again.
Then he called a cab and I had to pay the $26 fare because he had no money.

Less than Fine Dining

At 5-foot-10 and 250 pounds, my date panted heavily after walking eight
blocks to the restaurant. It was a sports bar filled with shouting, swearing,
drinking men watching a Lakers-Celtics game.
In the middle of eating our dinner, a fight erupted at the next table. Food
flew in the air and tables were turned over. It took several bouncers to end
the fight, which left one man with torn clothing and a broken nose.
My date seemed oblivious to the surroundings and couldn't understand why I
wasn't eating. I told him I felt sick and needed some air. I needed a long
walk to recover from the evening.

The Laundry List of Losers

A miserable date? Just one?
1. The man who claimed his sense of humor was his greatest asset and
demonstrated it by doing Groucho Marx imitations all through dinner at a fancy
restaurant.
2. The man who said he saw a "daddy" when he looked in the mirror and asked
(on the first and only date) if I was ovulating.
3. The man who demanded a list of the "specific skills and strengths" that I
could bring to a relationship, as well as an analysis of the "self-destructive
patterns" that caused my divorce.
4. The man whose first words were "I'm sorry, I've got to concentrate on
getting well tonight" and who spent most of the evening stuffing Vicks Vaporub
up his nose.

Self-realization and Sushi

After attending a religious ceremony at my date's "self-realization temple"
and eating a sushi dinner, we returned to my apartment for poetry reading. He
had found many scraps of paper buried in his battered car, which he admitted to
sleeping in often. He insisted on reading all of them in his most dramatic
voice.
After I had a few glasses of wine during his reading, I had the courage to
show him some of my poetry. He read one or two, tossed them aside and said,
"I'll reserve judgement on these."
He then began a lengthy tirade on the artistic soul and how it can feel any
emotion, whether it be male or female.
Then he wanted to select different music. He started going through my albums
because, he said, they were better than the tapes, which were made from those
very same albums. He became very upset when I told him the turntable didn't
work. He told me that I should take better care of my things. This harassment
from a guy who sleeps in his car?
I finally got him out of my apartment after fighting off more than just a
first-date kiss.

Excerpt from a magazine article on the origins of the kiss (source unknown):

The kiss as we know it today was invented by medieval knights for the purpose
of determining whether their wives had been tapping the "mead barrel" (drinking
liquor) while they were away on crusades." According to the book "A Kiss is
Just a Kiss" by Bruce Velick.
The stodgy Victorians frowned on almost anything that involved bodilty
contact. Social kissing was considered unacceptable behavior in both England
and the United States during this era.
In Poland, a kiss on the hand was considered a sign of rebellion during 40
years of Communist rule.
Today, social kissing carries different meanings for different cultures. By
and large, of course, it is still a gesture of greeting. "Every culture has to
have a greeting ceremony," Tiger says, adding that animals have similar rituals.
Male chimpanzees, for instance, touch each other's testicles in greeting.

Romantic Moments

Our lips touched....
Then she crossed her legs and broke my glasses.

We spent most of the night together and I felt sad to go. I said goodbye for
the 50th time and slowly walked outside to get in my car and go home, this is
when I found out that my car had been towed.

I ran my fingers slowly down the crack of her ass. She shuddered and then said
angrily, "Don't you dare touch MY donkey again!"

I chased her up the tree - and kissed her between the limbs.

Girl Talk

The Franklin Factor: Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.

The Rat Race: If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first.

The Eyeglass Prescription: Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too.

The Ring Rule: A watched telephone never rings.

The Creep Call: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It's a call from a creep you told you were busy.

The Fishing Forecast: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?

The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by marriage.

The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.

Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party.

The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.

The Unintended Result:
1) Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy;
1a) Men often go looking for sex and end up finding love;
2) Women's desire for intimacy often results in sex;
2a) Women often go looking for love and end up finding only sex.

The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.

The Dangle Doctrine: You can't keep a good man down.

Twain's Truth: Familarity breeds children.

The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month, unless
they're single.

The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for
sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.

In June 1994, the Phoenix, Arizona "New Times" published an unidentified man's
detailed list of pros and cons about his two girlfriends, Brenda and Dominique,
that had been accidentally discarded in a magazine pocket on an Air Reno flight
and which the newspaper obtained. Despite Brenda's "Wealthy" and "Nice cars"
versus Dominique's "Chipping teeth" and "Cuts me down", Dominique appeared to
have the upper hand on the list, which was scrawled out on bookkeeping ledger
sheets. Dominique had 18 pros and cons, versus Brenda's 15 and 22, respectively,
and "I love her" appeared No. 3 on Dominique but only No. 15 under Brenda.
Besides, Brenda's No. 9 con is "She's married." ("Brenda" and "Dominique" are
pseudonyms supplied by "New Times".)

Answers To 5 Of The Toughest Questions Women Ask

There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in last April's issue of Sassy magazine. The five questions are:

1 - What are you thinking?
2 - Do you love me?
3 - Do I look fat?
4 - Do you think she is prettier than me?
5 - What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is,
"I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm,
wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a
lucky guy I am to have met you."

Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was
really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came
from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If
I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For
those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."
Wrong answers include:

a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?

3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to
confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave
the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be
an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard thay you almost cause
a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the
correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:

a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the
event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I
would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza
truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is
illustrated by the following stupid joke:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such
a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly."And would you let her wear my old clothes?
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and
replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her
play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."

Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents' House

10. Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.
9. Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.
8. Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use the bathroom.
7. Mention that 'Mr Happy' is primed and ready.
6. Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.
5. Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.
4. Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their daughter.
3. Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.
2. Pretend to eat your arm.
1. Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.

Top Ten Ways A Computer Nerd Can Impress His Date

10. Flash the big wads of tens and twenties you created with your color laser
printer and top-notch graphics program.

9. Spend an evening playing floppy disks backward, listening for the secret
messages about Satan.

8. Invite her back to your place to show her the etchings on your Newton
MessagePad.

7. Let the lady go first when you reach the virtual reality escalator.

6. Serenade her with your MIDI-compatible drum pads.

5. Have your dinner illuminated by the soft glow of an active-matrix LCD panel.

4. If you're getting serious, consider a set of "his 'n' her" system unit keys.

3. Drive her crazy by murmuring tender love words with the help of a
French-speaking voice synthesizer.

2. Never type on your date's laptop computer without permission, particularly
if the system is on her lap.

1. When things get tough, simply ask yourself, "What would Bill Gates do in a
situation like this?

I'm Not Bitter Quiz-o-Rama
By Bart Schorsch (schorsch@plains.nodak.edu)

As many of you know, through recent events, I am a single man, once again. Since
my last few affairs of the heart have been flops (in much the same way as the
Titanic was a little flop), I have decided that in the future I shall be
screeening all of my future dates with this highly scientific quiz. Enclosed is
a quiz I shall hand out to any future dates. Also, I'm not bitter.

Instructions: Please answer each question as honestly as possible. Bart will
grade your responses and get back to you.

1) A woman's place is in the:
a) House (or Senate)
b) Bedroom
c) Office
d) Sitting in a deep dark cellar plotting to cut a man's entrails out and
leave it as food for wild jackals

2) When singing in the shower, I will most likely sing:
a) "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park"
b) "Material Girl"
c) "I Touch Myself"
d) Theme from "Psycho"

3) The perfect Christmas gift is:
a) Expensive perfume or intimate evening wear
b) Flowers, a backrub, bubble bath, and a hand-written love sonnet
c) Six-pack of Bud, Domino's Pizza, and an evening of QVC
d) Whips, knives and red-hot irons

4) A woman's hairstyle should:
a) Gently accentuate her best features
b) Not resemble a poodle
c) Hide the lobotomy scars
d) Cover the little "666" on the back of the skull and not reveal the demon-
horns

5) My personal role-model is:
a) Hillary Clinton
b) Ruth Bader-Ginsberg
c) Daisy Duke
d) Lorena Bobbit

6) When it comes to cars, I:
a) Take good care of my car and change my oil regularly.
b) ....giggle...What's oil?
c) Think fuzzy dice are _cool_!
d) Want a Mercedes... NOW!

7) If you man wants to date me, he must also like my:
a) Family
b) Pet rock
c) Therapist
d) Furniture

8) I have a subscription to:
a) Newsweek and the Wall Street Journal
b) Analog and Rolling Stone
c) National Enquirer and T.V. Guide
d) Weekly Reader

9) I want to have ___ children.
a) Any number, as long as they are healthy
b) Some
c) Your
d) Well-dressed

10) My list of favorite authors include:
a) William Shakespeare
b) Maya Angelou
c) Chairman Mao
d) Marquis DeSade

11) A romantic evening is best spent:
a) Before a roaring fire
b) Having a candle-lit dinner
c) Country line dancing
d) Shopping

12) I want to date a(n):
a) Lawyer
b) Engineer
c) Crew-chief at the local JuffyLube
d) Anyone who owns a shoe store

13) I really admire:
a) My parents, for bringing me up right
b) My teachers, for teaching me about life
c) The makers of Velveeta
d) Zsa Zsa Gabor

14) What attracted me most to you (physically) is/are your:
a) Massive chest
b) Tight buns
c) Tattoo collection
d) Credit cards

15) What attracted me most to you (mentally) is/are your:
a) Sparkling wit
b) Open mind
c) Deep understanding of power tools
d) Huh?

16) I really get turned on when you:
a) Are with me
b) Kiss my neck
c) Imitate Beavis and Butt-Head
d) Do the dishes

17) I can't live without:
a) The support of friends
b) Oxygen
c) Entertainment Tonight
d) Makeup

18) If you were really depressed, I would:
a) Listen to your problems
b) Rub your back
c) Get you drunk
d) Laugh

19) My favorite television programs are:
a) NYPD Blue and Home Improvement
b) MST3K, Roseanne, and Star Trek: TNG
c) This Week In Monster Truck Racing and AmericaUs Most Wanted
d) Lifestyles of the Cruel and Unusual

20) My favorite pig out food is:
a) Low-fat yogurt
b) Haagen Dasz
c) Gummi worms
d) A man's still quivering heart

21) A man should know where I keep my:
a) House keys
b) Erogenous zones
c) Ear-wax remover
d) Guns

22) I would rather die a slow painful death than:
a) Betray a confidence
b) Betray my country
c) Miss "Wheel of Fortune"
d) Spend one more minute with you

23) The most hellish,vile place on Earth is:
a) Bosnia-Herzegovina
b) Texas
c) Anyplace with less than 40 channels of cable
d) Your bedroom

24) The one phrase I would love to hear is:
a) "Congratulations, Madame President"
b) "Ohmygod, that is the winning lottery ticket!"
c) "Wow! I've never seen a woman spit tobacco that far!"
d) "What we can't figure out is how the arsenic got in his food in the first
place."

25) If a man was to propose to me, I would:
a) Cry
b) Call my mother
c) Be pregnant
d) Giggle uncontrollably

Please write a 300 word essay on the theme: "A Woman's Role In the Relationship: Helpmate or Saboteur"

Please attach references, a current picture, and a blood sample.

I was talking to my landlord one day. He is one of my fraterity brothers
(alumni). He was talking about an interesting thing that happened years ago.
The story is as follows.
His friend was involved in a disastrous relationship with a girl. She was
screwing around behind his back. She wanted him to feel worthless one night. She
desided to hook up with the first guy she could find. She ended up with a
football player. She started to give him a blow job and requested that he take
a picture of her sucking his dick. He did what she asked. Later that week, she
sent the photo of her and this guy to our hero in this story. He did become
pissed, and he got back at herbrilliantly.
He sent the photo to her parents.

University of Michigan researchers in 1994 have devised a universal theory to
explain what ignites our passions and plunges us into the most despairing
heartbreak. In the largest study of its kind, Dr. David Buss and colleagues
surveyed more than 10,000 people living on six continents and five islands about
their mating preferences and attitudes. The research, financed by the National
Institute of Mental Health, spanned a six-year period and involved the
collaboration of 50 other scientists. From Zambia to Japan, the language of
love and lust transcended cultural boundaries, the researchers found.
"Humans everywhere have very similar desires for mates," said Buss, who has
studied sexual behavior more than 15 years. "However, the desires of men and
women differ, and they change depending on whether one is seeking casual sex or
a long-term relationship."
Buss said 90 percent of the people throughout the world get married; however,
most do not spend a lifetime with one partner exclusively. He said short-term
coupling dominates modern human mating strategies, but men and women seek out
liaisons for different reasons: women to test their market value, men to test
their virility.
"If a man could have his fantasy, he would sequester and monopolize all the
attractive women in the country," Buss said. "Indeed, men who are in a position
to get what they want - kings, tycoons, celebrities - often do things like
that."
The researchers found that males said they desired an average of eight sexual
partners in a two-year period, while females wanted only one. In a lifetime,
males said they wanted 18 women, while females said they wanted four men, on
average.
Male and female American students were approached in a bar by an interviewer
of the opposite sex. After a brief introduction, the interviewer asked if the
student would go out on a date, go back to the interviewer's apartment, or have
sex. Of the men approached, half accepted the date, 69 percent said yes to
visiting the apartment, and 75 percent agreed to sex. Half the females also
agreed to a date, but only 6 percent agreed to go to the apartment, and none
consented to sex.
For women, the researchers found, intimacy generally takes time. Male and
female students were equally likely to engage in sex after knowing their partner
for more than five years, the study reported. But the average male was willing
to have sex after knowing his partner one week, while the average female said
she would wait six months.
Buss speculated that male promiscuity is a primal instinct that reflects
nature's attempt to maximize reproduction in a dangerous world. The female's
caution reflects her instinct to "seek resources and protection because she must
bear the children." Males, eager to disperse their genes, look for cues in
females that signal sexual accessibility and fertility - health, youth, and
curves, the scientists said. Men often value female promiscuity, he said, but
only for short-term relationships. When a male wants a wife, he values chastity
and prefers someone who lacks prior sexual experience because of his need to
make certain he is the father of the children.
"Historically, men have sequestered women with chastity belts, eunuch-guarded
harems, veiling, even surgical procedures," Buss noted in the study, which was
published in the journal Psychological Review.
In more than two thirds of the 37 countries studied, men desired chastity in
a mate more than women did. Male Indonesians, Iranians, and Palestinian Arabs
coveted virginity the most, while men in the Netherlands and Scandinavia valued
it the least.
Another cross-cultural study found that infidelity was the most prevalent
cause of divorce, but a wife's affair was much more likely to end her marriage
than a husband's, the scientists reported. Females said they would be more
upset by a partner who "fell in love and became emotionally committed to someone
else" rather than one who had a casual affair.
As a sexual strategy, females often chose mates who offer either physical or
economic protection, and who will commit resources to the family, Buss said.
Even height can be a factor. Studies of singles ads show that if males say they
are taller, 6-foot-1 or more, they receive more responses from women.
Short-term mating strategies among females are mostly experimental, the
researchers reported. "A (single) woman may seek short-term mates both to
clarify what her desires are and to assess how desirable she is," Buss said.
When married women have affairs, they may be "casting about to see what their
value is, and to determine if they can get out of their current relationship."
By suggesting that love is not really blind, Buss also discovered that
frustration might be biologically inherent in relationships. "I think evolution
has played a dirty trick on us by creating desires that can never really be
fulfilled," he said.

A group of friends and I were sitting around telling about our worst dates.
Here are the two funniest ones. The second (and best) story smacks of an urban
legend, but the teller, who isn't the type to lie about this sort of thing,
claims to have been told the story in the presence of the poor guy, who was
squirming throughout the whole story.

The guy had a blind date, so he went out shopping before the date and had
gotten himself a sharp looking green shirt for his date. He goes on the date,
and they are hitting it off fantastically. They are kissing before they even
leave the restaurant. They go back to her apartment, with the lights down low,
and they are making out. He goes into the bathroom to take off his clothes. He
turns the light on, and finds that the color in his shirt has bled from his
sweating, and his chest and back are stained green. He puts his clothes back
on, says good night to the woman, and goes home.

The guy in this story was having a first date with a woman that he had been
nuts over for sometime. He was all psyched up for the date, having done
everything he could to prepare for it so it would go well. He had his best
clothes ready, and he even got a pair of silk socks to wear on the date.
Unfortunately, the day of the date, he was suffering from, well, lets call it
intestinal flu, shall we? He was having to go to the bathroom every 30 minutes
or so. So he goes to the bathroom right before he goes to pick her up, hoping
that he can make it to the restaurant before he has to go again. But by the
time he gets to her house, he has to go BAD. So he runs up and knocks, she
opens the door and introduces herself. He says, "Hi, I have to go to the
bathroom real bad, can you show me the way?" She takes him to the bathroom.
He goes in, and really stinks it up. He's in there for a little bit,
finishes, and looks around for the toilet paper. There isn't any. So he leans
over and opens all the cabinets and drawers he can reach, looking for some.
There isn't any. No toilet paper, no kleenex, nothing that he can use. So he
sits in there thinking, "What am I going to do?"
After a little while, she comes to the door and knocks and asks if he's okay.
He says, "Yeah, I'll be right out." The bathroom stinks so bad, he doesn't want
to ask her to get him anything. After she comes back a second time to check on
him, he gets desperate. He takes his silk socks, and puts one on each arm. He
uses these, and then throws them in the toilet and flushes it.
The socks get stuck and the toilet backs up and overflows. The water and
everything else in the toilet goes cascading across the floor. She comes back
to the door and asks what's going on. He says he'll be right out, and is
frantically looking around for something to clean it up with. The only thing in
the bathroom (remember, no toilet paper, etc) are the towels, nice white ones.
So he grabs the white towels and starts mopping the water up. The girl is
knocking on the door now demanding he open the door.
Realizing his hopeless situation, he does the only thing he can to save face.
He opens the window, climbs out, runs to his car, and drives home.

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