Puns

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What would you do if you smashed your toe?
Call a toe truck.

Why did the orange get fired from the Tropicana factory?
Because he couldn't concentrate.

What lies at the bottom of the sea and whimpers?
A nervous wreck.

Why did the muffler go to bed?
Because it was exhausted.

What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare line.

Why don't they let government workers look out the window in the morning?
So they will have something to do in the afternoon.

On the cartoon Yogi Bear, why didn't they make 2 Yogi's?
Because they made a Boo Boo instead.

A rock store was closed by the police, they were taking too much for granite.

A man who keep stealing mopeds was an obvious cycle-path.

A man pleaded innocent of any wrongdoing when caught by the police during a
raid at the house of a mobster. His excuse, "I was making a bolt for the door."

Why couldn't the pony talk?
Because he was a little hoarse.

A man was reading The Canterbury Tales at breakfast one saturday morning. His
wife asked "What have you got there?" "Just my cup and Chaucer."

A women was in love with fourteen soldiers; it was platoonic.

Max told his friend he didn't want to go for a hike in the hills. "I'm an
anti-climb Max."

A new wagon designed for LA rush hour traffic is called the Stationary wagon.

A Texan down on the range is suing for a divorce. He found his dear and an
interloper playing.

Two cheerleaders ended up married, they met by chants.

Two cans of paint got married, later the bride whispered, "Darling, I think I'm
pigment."

Two boy silkworms pursued a luscious girl silkworm. They ended up in a tie.

A girl camel with one hump and a boy camel with two humps got married and had a
baby camel with no humps. Guess what they called him?
Humphrey.

Advice to ice skaters: You can't always tell a brook by its cover.

A swami stopped in at the butcher shop and asked for butcher for a pound of
liver, but the dishonest butcher weighed down upon the swami's liver.

A prospector marched into an assayer's office and planted two huge nuggets on
the counter. "Well, don't just stand there, assay something!"

A fortune-teller started laughing seconds after looking into his crystal
ball. The client hit him. "Why did you do that" "My mother always told me to
strike a happy medium."

An American family sent some poor cousins in East Germany a package of food.
Weeks later when they heard it still had not arrived, cabled the cousins with
"Cheer up, the wurst is yet to come."

A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from his
honeymoon a chastened husband. He became aware of the will of the wisp.

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble
on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save your
marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."

During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had him
arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.

In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher. She's a women
who conks to stupor.

Did you hear about the two peanuts that got on a New York subway?
One was a salted.

Why does fungus come in small groups?
Because there isn't mushroom.

(Boo Hiss)

I'm sorry that was in Spore taste.

(Boo Hiss)

But I just can't help it if I'm such a Fungi.

I used to work for a company that made blankets, but it folded. I then went to
work in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. They said I couldn't
concentrate. But I think they just wanted to squeeze me out. This one guy said
that joke was the pits and that I ought to be beaten to a pulp. But I thought
it was appealing.

Punny Names

Little Boa Peep - shepherdess who absentmindedly ate her own flock.
Johann Sebastian Bache - Wall Street baroquer.
Mooses - Hebrew prophet who parted the Maine woods.
Perry Masson - television lawyer who will solve no case before its time.
Evictor Hugo - French landlord and author, "Lease Miserables"
Xeroxes - persian photocopy king.
Erich Marina Remarque - Author, "All Quiet On The Waterfront."

She was only the...

admiral's daughter, but her naval base was always full of discharged seamen!
astronaut's daughter, but she knew how to take off.
athlete's daughter, but she was always ready to play ball.
barman's daughter, but she knew how to pull them.
blacksmith's daughter, but she knew how to forge ahead.
bookbinder's daughter, but she knew her way between the sheets.
bricklayer's daughter, but she was certainly stacked.
butcher's daughter, but there wasn't much more she could loin.
cattleman's daughter, but she couldn't keep her calves together.
cave man's daughter, but you should have seen what dinosaur.
chimney sweep's daughter, but she could sure haul ash.
clergyman's daughter, but you couldn't put anything pastor.
cobbler's daughter, but she was built to last.
communist's daughter, but all the boys got a share.
doctor's daughter, but she really knew how to operate.
draughtman's daughter, but she never knew where to draw the line.
electrician's daughter, but she lit up half the town.
electrician's daughter, but she had good connections.
Energizer bunny, but she kept going, and going, and going...
farmer's daughter, but she knew hundreds of ways to fertilize.
film censor's daughter, but she didn't know when to cut it out.
fisherman's daughter, but she reeled when she saw my rod.
fisherman's daughter, but all the guys swalled her lines.
fishmonger's daughter, but she lay on the slab and said fillet.
flag-wavers daughter, but she'd let her standards down for anyone.
florist's daughter, but she had the best tulips in town.
fruit vendor's daughter, but she certainly had a pail.
gravedigger's daughter, but she liked lying under the sod.
insurance broker's daughter, but all the guys liked her policy.
jockey's daughter, but all the horse manure. (horsemen knew her)
lighthouse keeper's daughter, but she never went out at night.
lumberjack's daughter, but you could hear her ring barking for miles.
milkman's daughter, but she was cream of the crop.
moonshiner's daughter, but I loved her still.
musician's daughter, but she knew all the bars in town.
optician's daughter, but after a few of glasses made a spectacle of herself.
parachutist's daughter, but she was free-4-all.
philanthropist's daughter, but she kept giving things away.
photographer's daughter, but she was really developed.
pitcher's daughter, but you should have seen her curves.
plumber's daughter, but she made good use of her fixtures.
professor's daughter, but she gave all the boys a lesson.
real estate agent's daughter, but she gave a lot away.
road worker's daughter, but she knew how to get her asphalt.
statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.
steelworker's daughter, but you should see that pig iron.
telegrapher's daughter, but she sure didit...didit...didit....
tree feller's daughter, but t'ree fellas were never enough for her.
undertaker's daughter, but she knew how to bury a stiff.
vacuum salesman's daughter, but she knew how to suck.
violinist's daughter, but when she removed her G-string, all the boys wanted a fiddle.
weatherman's daughter, but she sure had a warm front.
woodcutter's daughter, but she knew how to get a feller.

What Do You Get When You Cross...

A banana with a red silk dress? A pink slip.
A bear with a skunk? Winnie the Phew!
A canary with a mole? A miner bird.
A cat with a lemon? A sourpuss.
A chicken with a bell? An alarm cluck.
A dog with a chicken? A hen that lays pooched eggs.
A dog with a daisy? A collie-flower.
A dove with a high chair? A stool pigeon.
A duck with a steamroller? A flat duck.
A fawn with a hornet? Bambee.
A gorilla and a sheep? A very nice wool coat, except the sleeves are too long.
A ham with a karate expert? Pork chops.
A highway with a bicycle? Run over.
A hummingbird with a doorbell? A humdinger.
A kangaroo with a sheep? A wooly jumper.
A mountain climber and mosquito? Nothing; you can't cross a scalar and a vector.
A movie with a swimming pool? A dive-in theater.
A parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.
A parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.
A pig with a cactus? A porkerpine.
A pit bull with a collie? A dog that bites your leg off and runs for help.
A policeman with a telegram? Copper wire.
A potato with an onion? A potato with watery eyes.
A rabbit with a kilt? Hopscotch.
A spider with a rabbit? A hare net.
A termite with a house? An exterminator.
A tiger with a needle? Pin stripes.
A tree with a baseball player? Babe Root.
A vulture with a small grass house? A scavenger hut.
An Eskimo with a pig? A polar boar.
An Indian with a cow? Geronimoo.
An agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac? Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
An evangelist with a hockey puck? A puck that saves itself.
An owl with a goat? A hootenanny.
Telly Savalas with a pool table? A billiard bald.
The Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? Halfway.
The Green Giant with Robin Hood? A Hoe-Bow.

What do you get when you pour cement on a burglar? A hardened criminal.
What do you get when you put the pictures of the Kings of Russia on a flag? The Tsar-Spangled Banner.
What do you get when you roll a hand grenade across a kitchen floor? Linoleum Blownapart.
What do you get when you eat Uranium? Atomic Ache
What do you get when you drop boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies.

What Do You Get When You Cross An Elephant With...

A Volkswagen? A little car with a big trunk.
A beaver? Hoover Dam.
A cat? Something that purrs as it squashes you.
A dairy cow? Peanut butter.
A duck and a light bulb? A huge electric bill.
A frisbee? A hernia.
A jack o'lantern? A huge pumpkin with a fire extinguisher.
A kangaroo? Big dents in the ground.
A mouse? Very large holes in the baseboards.
A peach? A ten-ton ball of fuzz charging at you.
A rhinoceros? Elephino!
A sheep? Enough wool to knit a skyscraper.
A shotgun? An elephant with a double-barreled trunk.
A skunk? Very few friends.
Peanut butter? Either peanut butter that never forgets or an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
What does the cross between a parrot and an elephant say?
"Polly want a cracker...NOW!"

What city has the largest rodent population? Hamsterdam.
How did Colonel Sanders die? He choked on his fingers.
What goes "Ha, ha, ha, plop"? A man laughing his head off.
What did the painter say to the wall? "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"
What did the alien dandelion say to the Earth dandelion? "Take me to your weeder!"
What is the gambler's heaven? Paradise.
What did the kids say when they saw Dr. Jekyll the Truant Officer coming? "Hyde! It's Dr. Jekyll!"
What does a spy do when he gets cold? He goes undercover.
How do you change tires on a duck? With a quackerjack.
What is Batman's religion? Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha.
What are tired Army clothes? Fatigues.
What's a chimney sweep's most common ailment? The flue.
What did Tarzan say to his wife? "Jane, it's a jungle out there!"
Where does McDonald's get its burgers from? Macau.
How can sea captains use amphibians? As froghorns.
What did the kid say when his mother poured oatmeal on him? "How can you be so gruel?"
What part of a cemetery is best for burying guns? The muzzleum.
Where is Venice located? In Venice-zuela.
What is the electrician's favourite Christmas carol? "The Twelve Days of Christmas" because of the partridge in ampere tree.
What is a centrifuge? A place where 100 people hide.
What is copper nitrate? Overtime for policemen.
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? When his drill slipped.
Where are whales weighed? At a whale weigh station.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives.
What happens to illegally parked frogs? They get toad away.
What jumps from cake to cake and smells of almonds? Tarzipan.
What's the motto of the ghoul's convention? The morgue the merrier.
What grows up while growing down? A goose.
What are half-sized quartz watches? Pintz watches.
What did Godzilla say after eating a four-cylinder Datsun? "Gosh, I could have had a V-8!"
How did Hitler tie his laces? In little Nazis.
Where did the king put his armies? In his sleevies.
What is a cow eating grass? A lawn mooer.
Why isn't whispering permitted in class? Because it's not aloud.
How many sides does a circle have? Two: an inside and an outside.
What is a three-season bed? One without a spring.
What is Irish and sits in the sun? Paddy O'Furniture.
How do you tickle a rich girl? Say "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"
What is the similarity between a blacksmith and a counterfeiter? They're into forgery.
What is a newly hatched beetle? A baby buggy.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny.
What cruises down the riverbed at 60 mph? A motorpike with two side carps.
What do you give a person with water on the brain? A tap on the head.
Why do ambassadors never get sick? Diplomatic immunity.
What happens to deposed kings? They get throne away.
What colour is a belch? Burple.
If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay? A bagel.
Why are there no floods in Paris? Because the water is always l'eau.
Why are meteorologists always nervous? Their future is always up in the air.
Why do people who throw away feather pillows get depressed? Their down is in the dumps.
Why did the blonde throw butter out a window? She wanted to see a butterfly.
How about the man who ran through a screen door? He strained himself.
A male snake charmer married a female undertaker. Their bath towels read "Hiss" and "Hearse".
Hands are like bells, especially when they're wrung.
Never give your uncle an anteater.
Cannibals like to meat people.
Addition in a dark restaurant is "dim sum".
Some river valleys are absolutely gorges.
Camels live in Camelfornia.
In some places fog will never be mist.
Rust is edible. After all, it is a form of car-rot.
One can tell that a tree is nomadic when it packs up its trunk and leaves.
Concerning Chinese tobacco: Many men smoke, but Fu Manchu.
Some people say my puns are sleep-inducing, but I keep laudanum anyways.
One day the wind stopped blowing in Chicago and everyone fell down.
When the Lord said, "Go forth, be fruitful and multiply!" He didn't necessarily have Math teachers in mind.
"Have you got bills to pay? If you do, please give it back. He looks silly bald." (Laugh-In)
One who does magic tricks with bandages is a wizard of gauze.
The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.
The Irish government is wealthy because its capital is always Dublin.
We ought to rename summer "pride" because pride cometh before the fall.
If life is like a bowl of cherries, what's the raisin for living?
Plug a pizza in the socket and get a pizza delight.
The sheep rustler who broke out of jail is now on the lam.
The Hand family consists of 10 electricians. Their motto is "Many Hands make light work."
Spanish bullfighters use Oil of Ol face cream to beat wrinkles.
Read the history of electronics of Biblical proportions: Solomon and Toshiba!
"Doctor, doctor! Some days I think I'm a teepee, others I think I'm a wigwam! What do I do?" "Relax, you're too tents."
"Doctor, doctor! Birds keep building nests in my horses' manes! What should I do?" "Sprinkle yeast on them and call me in the morning." "But why?" "Yeast is yeast and nest is nest and never the mane shall tweet!"
Once upon a time, a tribe of cannibals caught a saint sent to them as a missionary and ate him. He was very tender and tasty, yet they were all violently sick afterwards. It shows that you can't keep a good man down.
You can have too much of a good thing, but since most people think puns are not good things, they can't have too many of them!
An expert farmer is outstanding in her field.
An incompetent ship captain grounds the warship he walks on.
Did you hear about the optician? Two glasses and he made a spectacle of himself.
When the little boy was caught with his hand in the cookie jar, he said "I needed help with my homework." The reason: "God helps those who help themselves."
A story about a pony on the pampas could be called "Little Horse on the Prairie".
A man hit another on the head with a pop bottle, killing him. In court, he claimed he was influenced by the song "Let's Get Fizzy-Kill".

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis? A hoarse doctor.
What do you call a man who drinks and falls off his horse? The wine-stoned cowboy.
What do you call it when a walrus eats 1000 clams? A calamity.
What do you call a man who's been attacked by a tiger? Claude.
What do you call a man dressed in brown paper? Russel.
What do you call a man without a spade on his head? Douglas.
What do you call a man holding up a car? Jack.
What do you call a man rammed down Tina Turner's throat? Mike.

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