Advice and Quotes

(please read prior to getting married)

1) Never eat at a place called Mom's
2) Never play cards with a man named 'Doc'
3) Never get in bed with a girl that has more problems than you have.
- 'Seldom Seen' Smith recants paternal advice, from Edward Abbey's Monkeywrench Gang

In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes.
- Elizabeth Ashley

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.
- Honore de Balzac

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. - Ray Bandy

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
- Baskins

Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - Borge

For a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking,
an extremely unnatural condition. - Robert Briffault

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and
found me in bed with her. - Lenny Bruce

Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on
you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya.
This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll
Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do..." - Lenny Bruce

Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
- Al Bundy
Nothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin! - Al Bundy
I hate work. That's why I got married. - Peg Bundy
I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep
with. - Peg Bundy

In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. - Butler

If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - Chekhov

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the
more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man
to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose
interest. - Prof. Irwin Corey

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find
anybody who'll take what I have to give. - Cass Daley

I'd marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of
it to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead within a year. - Bette
Davis

Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. - Lord Dewar

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How
about 'short' and 'cheap'? - Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable everyday to the same human being.
- Benjamin Disraeli

Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks
for the wife's mother. - Ken Dodd

There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to
attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is
written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the
wife who wants him home by five, of course. - Encyclopaedia Apocryphia

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as
your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of
dishonorable behavior. Unless she's _really_ attractive. - Bruce Friedman

Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa
Gabor

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the
ideal never goes unpunished. - Goethe

Thank heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man. - Samuel Goldwyn,
immigrant-turned-famous-movie-producer, when told his son was getting married

When Baby's cries grew hard to bear
I popped him in the Frigidaire.
I never would have done so if
I'd known that he'd be frozen stiff.
My wife said "George, I'm so unhappy!
Our darling's now completely frappe!" - Graham

If I were a girl, I'd despair. The supply of good women far exceeds that of the
men who deserve them. - Robert Graves

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other
man to take her off his hands. - Guitry

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep
her. - Guitry

The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and
wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one
is Marxism. - Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one,
go ahead, get married. - Katherine Hepburn

Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. - John Heywood

Love is only the game that is not called on account of darkness.
- M. Hirschfield

Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa Hoffman

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in
a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go
with everything in the house. - Jean Kerr

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. - Sam Kinison

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. - Marvin Kitman

Harpo, she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before
she finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee

Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job
is just too big for him. - Rich Little

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. - John Lyly

For the memory of love is sweet, though the love itself were in vain. And what
I have lost of pleasure, assuage what I find of pain. - Lyster

The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they
are too old to do it. - Shirley MacLaine

In a novel, the hero can lay ten girls and marry a virgin for the finish. In a
movie, that is not allowed. The villain can lay anybody he wants, have as much
fun and as he wants cheating, stealing, getting rich, and whipping servants. But
you have to shoot him in the end. - Herman Mankiewicz

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they
send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.
- Dick Martin

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and
his checkbook open. - Groucho Marx

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a
woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
- Jackie Mason

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands...but English
women only hope to find in their butlers. - W. Somerset Maugham

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.
It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavran

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another
thing, they die earlier. - H. L. Mencken

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be
married too. - H. L. Mencken

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the
extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children
smart. - H.L. Mencken

Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. - H. L. Mencken

A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. - Moliere

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and
those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps
you with your girdle when your hips stick. - Ogden Nash

Whenever you're wrong, admit it. Whenever you're right, shut up. - Ogden Nash

A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it
must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. - Nietzsche

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. - PJ O'Rourke

A White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who
will go to the Bronx are great riches. - Poor Jimmy's Almanac

It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next
morning it was someone else. - Rogers

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
- Helen Rowland

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
inattention of one. - Helen Rowland

When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for
a living. - Helen Rowland

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I
want to have children..." - they leave skid marks. - Rita Rudner

Happy Vasectomy, Eric. Your loving wife and children: Chris, Aida, George,
Carol, Yolanda, Joan, Shirley, Susan, Anita, Aileen, Jackie, Shelia, Bruce,
Dean, Frank and Maxine. - Rolling Stone Classified Ad

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. - Scottish Proverb

One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: "Give little, give
seldom, and above all, give grudgingly." Otherwise, what could have been a
proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. - Ruth Smythers, Marriage
advice for women, 1894

I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law
to sleep with me every night. - Carrie Snow

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad
one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man.
- Socrates

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and
through the nose of the gentleman. - Herbert Spencer

Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the
commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but
incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied
by marriage. - Gloria Steinem

If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the
whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. A life without
love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth; with the fire dead,
the laughter stilled, and the light extinguished. - Frank P. Tebbetts

At American weddings, the quality of food is inversely proportional to the
social position of the bride and the groom. - Calvin Trillin

I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate
middle-aged couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a
group grope. - Tynan

The first time you buy a house, you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The
second time, you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with
husbands. - Lupe Valez

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. - Voltaire

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
- Mae West

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be
happier than others. - Oscar Wilde

Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's
character before marriage, which is never advisable. - Oscar Wilde

Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women? - Virginia
Woolf

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