Religious Humour (part 1)

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Religious Humour part II | Religious Humour part III

GOD
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[Ed. note -- these first two jokes are very similar, but I liked parts
of them both. You can take what you like best out of each and tell it
your own way.]

Jesus, Moses and an old man were teeing off on the 16th hole on heaven's
golf course. The 16th hole is a par 3 (short) over a lake. Moses,
the first to tee off, steps up and swings, and the ball dives right for
the water. He instantly spreads his arms, the water parts, and the
ball rolls across the bottom of the lake and up on to the green. The
others complement him on his shot, and then Jesus steps up for his turn.
Like Moses, Jesus' ball heads straight for the water, but when it gets
there, it just rolls across the surface of the lake, continuing until
it gets across and rolls up onto the green. After showering him
with complements, the old man steps up to take his shot. His ball
also dives for the lake, but bounces off the back of a turtle and
on to the far shore. There, a squirrel picks up the ball and heads
for the woods. As the others begin to laugh, a hawk swoops down and
picks up the squirrel. As the hawk flies over the green, it squeezes
the squirrel. The ball falls out of the squirrels mouth, bounces once
on the green, and then rolls into the cup. Jesus turns to the man and
says, "Nice shot dad!"

One sunny day Jesus, Moses and an elderly small man were playing golf.

Jesus was the first to tee off and he hit the ball a little left and it
ended up in the water hazard. Because it was Jesus, his ball floated and
when he got down to the hazard he walked upon the water and hit the ball
onto the green.

Moses was the next to tee off, and like Jesus he hit the ball into the
water hazard. When he got down to the hazard, he parted the waters and hit
the ball onto the green.

The little old man was next, and he too hit into the water hazard. Just then
a big fish swallowed the ball and bagan the swim away. A hawk swooped down
and grabbed the fish in its talons and started to fly away. As the hawk
passed over the green, it tightened its grip on the fish which caused the
ball to pop out of the fish. The ball landed on the green and rolled into
cup.

Jesus then turned to the old man and said, "look Dad, if you're going to
play, play fair."

A rabbi goes to heaven and meets God for the first time. A thought hits
him and asks God about what souls eat when they go to hell. God just goes
and tells him to look at what is being served. So the rabbi peeks down
below the clouds and behold it was mealtime in hell. The souls there were
being offered a seven-course meal with New York Strip, mashed pototoes,
tossed salad, cranberry sauce, and a bottle of wine was being passed
around. Meanwhile God informs the rabbi that it was time for his meal -
all he got was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He asks God why the
guys down there were getting the royal treatment while he had to eat - PBJ.
God replied: it simply does not pay to cook for two.

In 1875 a Danish couple converted to became Mormons and moved to Cache Valley
Utah. They set up a farm in Rural Providence, Utah, and were self sufficient
for a couple of years. By the third year, the husband decided to take a
second wife, as mormons of the time did. His wife was not too keen on the
idea, so he convinced a Swedish neighbor to help in a plan to convince her.

"Let us go to the barn, and pray for guidance on this major decision", said
the husband. Whatever God tells us, that's what we'll do". They went to
the barn, got on their knees, and old farmer Madsen started with the usual
openings to Mormon prayers. After a few minutes of this, he posed the
question: "heavenly father, should I take another wife?"

Farmer Olson was in the rafters, as previously arranged, and in the most
booming, deep voice he could muster, said "Brother Madsen, I command thee
to take another wife". After a moment, farmer Madsen looked over to his
wife, and saw that she was sobbing uncontrollably. He put his arm around
her, and said, "There there, a second wife will be an addition to the
family, but she will never be a replacement for you. I'll still love you
just as much."

Mrs. Madsen said "I have no problem with you taking a second wife, I've
been resigned to that for a year now. But in my worst nightmare, I *never*
imagined that God was a Swede!"

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven, where he is brought before God. "A lawyer,
eh?" says God (who seems to be Canadian). "We've never had a lawyer in Heaven
before. Argue a point of the law for my edification."

The lawyer goes into panic and says "Oh, God, I cannot think of an argument
worthy of your notice. But I'll tell you what: you argue a point of the law
and I'll refute you."

A friend asks God where he's going on holiday this year and God
replies, "Certainly not earth again. I went there about 2 millenia ago,
got some girl pregnant - they haven't stopped talking about it since!"

A hippie dies and goes to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks him up, and
says, "I'm sorry, but you'll be going down to Hell." The hippie, astounded,
peers through the gates and sees God walking in the distance. "God!" he
says. "What gives? Remember that time I was tripping on acid? I saw you,
and you said we'd be in Heaven together forever!"

God thought for a minute, then said, "Oh yeah, but I was drunk."

There once was a priest who loved to golf. He was pretty good at
it and had two nuns as an entourage who would follow him around
and watch him play. One Saturday the priest was shooting a great
round, when he came upon the eighth hole. He started off with a
beautiful drive to down the fareway, and a nice chip to the
green. When he goes to putt the ball it rolls straight for the
hole, swerves, misses rolls down the hill and into the lake. The
priest enraged by this flub in an otherwise perfect round takes
out his sand wedge, bends it over his knee, and hurls it at a
tree. He then screams at the top of his lungs:

"GODDAMNIT, I missed!"

The two nuns are shocked and berate him saying, "You shouldn't
swear or GOD will get you."

The priest, a little abashed decides to continue his round.
Amazingly, he finds that his game is improving. However when he
gets to the thirteenth hole he drives a wicked slice into the
water hazard, takes his penalty and winds up ont he green one
under par. He putts the ball, it rolls straight for the hole
swerves rolls down the hill and into a gopher hole. The priest,
red with anger, takes his favorite driver and bashes it on a
nearby rock screaming:

"GODDAMNIT, I missed!"

The two nuns stare at him and say, "We're warning you, curb your
swearing or GOD will get you."

The priest ignoring them continues with his game and manages to
turn things around so that by the time he is at the eighteenth
hole he is shooting almost as good as his personal best. He
drives the ball from the tee on a par four to within two feet of
the cup. If he makes his next putt he will beat the clubhouse
record. He lines up his putt, swings, it rolls toward the hole
swerves, hits a rock bounces towards the lake where just before
it hits the water, a fish leaps up out of the water swallows the
ball and dives away. This makes the priest so furious that he
takes his entire bag and hurls it into the lake, screaming after
the fish:

"GODDAMNIT, I missed!"

The two nuns aghast declare, "That does it, now GOD is going to
get you."

Suddenly, dark clouds begin to gather, thunder booms, and
lightning strikes the two nuns dead disintegrated. And a big
booming voice shouts:

"DAMNIT, I missed"

Q: How can you make God laugh?
A: Tell Him your plans for the future.

HEAVEN/PEARLY GATES
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Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, I
have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your
wife? The guy answers; "Yes, I never even looked at another women." St.Peter
says-"See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive while your in
heaven". The second guy gets the same question, and answers:"Once I strayed,
but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out." St.
Peter says " See that new Buick over there, that's your car to use in heaven".
The third guy answers the same question: "I have to admit, I chased every bit
of tail I could, and was with a lot of women." St. Peter says, ok, but you
were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while
your in heaven. The three guys go off on their seperate ways.

A few weeks later #2 and #3 are driving along in the Buick when they see #1's
Rolls Royce parked outside of a BAR. They stop and GO INTO THE BAR and find
#1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in his hands on
the bar. They come up to him and #2 says;"Bud, what could possibly be so
bad-you're in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!" He
says: "I saw my wife today!" The other 2 answer that's great! What's the
problem" He answers: "She was riding a bicycle!"

A man who is an avid golfer finally gets a once in a lifetime chance
for an audience with the Pope. After standing in line for hours,
he gets to the Pope and says, "Holiness, I have a question that
only you can answer. You see, I love golf, and I feel a real need
to know if there is a golf course in heaven. Can you tell me if
there is?" The Pope considers for a moment, and says, "I do not
know the answer to your quesiton, my son, but I will talk to God
and get back with you." The next day, the man is called for another
audience with the Pope to receive the answer to his question. He
stands before the Pope, who says, "My son, I have some good news
and some bad news in relation to your question. The good news is
that heaven has the most fabulous golf course that you could imagine
and is in eternally perfect shape. It puts all courses on earth
to shame. The bad news is that you have a tee time for tomorrow
morning."

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there
were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To
his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the
long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St.
Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and
guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair
by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but
what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added
up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my
calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the
Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent
discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows
up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing
out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them
to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome,
Pete brings them down on the front lawn of a huge palatial estate
with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is
where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the
end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's
getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!".
They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape
below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally
land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates
the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns
to leave, wishing the pontiff all his best. The Pope, in a mild
state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here?
You put that lawyer in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual
leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?" Pete looks at the
pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow, this street is
practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and
religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get
your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's
the first non-damned lawyer to make it up here!!"

A lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing
his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he
knew they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed
in a controversial case.

And the list goes on for quite awhile.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these
things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."
St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime
to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy,
correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15
cents and tell him to go to hell."

A very good man dies, and as a reward for a life well-spent, goes
to heaven. When he arrives, St. Peter meets him at the gate.
"Welcome," says St. Peter, "since you were such a good person in
life, you may enter heaven."
"Thank you," said the man. "But before I come in, could you tell
me what kind of other people are here?"
"Well, all kinds," replied St. Peter.
"Are there any convicted criminals in heaven?" asked the man.
"Yes, some," said St. Peter.
"Are there any communists in heaven?" asked the man.
"Yes, there are," replied St. Peter.
"Are there any Nazis in heaven? Asked the man.
"Just a few," said St. Peter.
"Well, are there any lawyers in heaven?" asked the man.
St. Peter replied "What, and ruin it for everyone else?"

The temperature control in Hell went haywire and the heat started
to make even the condition in Heaven uncomfortable. St. Peter got
Satan on the horn and yelled, "You'd better fix that immediately or
I'll sue."
On hearing that, Satan chuckled, "Oh yeah, how? I have all the
lawyers down here. And besides, how can I fix it when you have all
the good engineers?"

A doctor dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly
gates and checks him in. After he's registered, St. Peter says to
him "Look at the time: you must be hungry! Heaven Cafeteria is serving
lunch, why don't you get yourself something to eat?" The doctor goes
to the cafeteria and notices the long line. He immediately cuts in at
the front, only to hear loud protests. "I'm a doctor" he says, "I'm a
busy man, I don't have time to wait in line." The others say "You're
in heaven now, we're all the same here, get to the back of the line
and wait your turn!" A few weeks later, waiting patiently on line for
lunch, the doctor notices a man come dashing in wearing scrubs and a
lab coat, stethoscope around his neck. He butts in at the head of the
line and no-one utters a peep. "Hey," he says to the guy in front of
him, "who does that guy think he is?" "Oh, that's God," says the guy,
"He likes to play doctor."

Saint Peter was at his post at the pearly gates, and was in
somewhat of a bad mood. Today only couples were on line to get in.

"Next!", he called out, in a bored fashion. Up stepped a couple.

"Name?" asked St.Peter.

"Goldberg", replied the husband.

St. Peter slowly looked up from his desk, looked them over for a
moment, and finally asked with a bit of a sneer: "You Jewish?"

"Why, yes" said Mr. Goldberg, somewhat surprised.

St. Peter then leaned forward, pointing his finger at them, and
said "You know, I don't like Jewish people. You're cheap! Always
grubbing for money...cheating people...I don't know if I want to
let you two in here today. So what's your wife's name?"

"Penny" replied Mr. Goldberg.

"PENNY!!!" exclaimed St. Peter. "Look at that, you even named your
wife after money! Get outta here!... try again some other time."

"Next!", he called out, still agitated. Up stepped the next couple.

"Name?" asked St.Peter.

"Murphy", replied the husband.

Again St. Peter slowly looked up from his desk, looked them over
for a moment, and asked with a sneer: "You Irish?"

"Why, yes" said Mr. Murphy.

St. Peter again leaned forward, pointing his finger at them, and
said "You know, I don't like Irish people. You drink too much!
Always getting drunk on St. Patrick's Day and throwing-up all over
the streets...beating up your husbands, wives and kids during
drunken rages...I don't know if I want to let you two in here
today. So what's your wife's name?"

"Sherri" replied Mr. Murphy.

"SHERRI!!!" exclaimed St. Peter. "Look at that, you even named your
wife after a drink! Get outta here!... try again some other time."

Meanwhile, several couples back, a Greek man overhearing all of
this turns to his wife and says "Let's get out of here Fanny,
there's no way we're getting in here today."

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the
first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she
said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter
told her.
Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held
a man's penis," she replied.
"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her,
"Why did you push ahead in line?"
She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

Three nuns who had recently died were on their way to heaven. At the pearly
gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of
lights and bells.
St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer
a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
St. Peter: "What were the names of the two people in the
garden of Eden?"
1st nun : "Adam and Eve"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly
gates.
St. Peter: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"
2nd nun : "An apple"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly
gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Peter : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"
After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly
gates!

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a
tragic car accident ended their lives.

When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for
them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in
life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and
agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them.
They were married in a simple ceremony.

So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in
this time, that eternity was best not spent together.

They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy
forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences.
Is there any way we can get divorced?"

"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get
a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"

A busload of priests have an accident, all of them were killed instantly.
On arriving at the pearly gates, they find there's a terrible queue.

St Peter is there looking at a big book, jotting down notes, mumbling
occaisionally. There is a person standing in front of his desk being
processed. After some time St Peter says "Next" and another person or
family steps up. For some reason race and nationality seems difficult
for the priests to distinguish.

The wait seems to take forever, there is an enormous number of people
waiting, and St. Peter doesn't seem to be hurrying.

People are arriving all the time, some in mangled states, some famished
and some looking "normal" . Then a dishevelled man comes in, cigarette
but hanging from his lips like it had taken root. The stubble on his
chin looked as though it could sand diamonds.

He stands at the back of the queue like everyone else. St Peter however
spies him and stands up and comes over to him.

"Oh come in... Come in... welcome... No need to queue, we have you already
processed... Your residence is in order. Special treatment for you."

The priests have something to say about that. "Hey" says their spokesman.
"How come he gets the special treatment? We are afterall men of God."

"That man..." says St Peter, "Was a taxi driver. He has scared the HELL
out of more people than any of you lot."

A man dies, and finds himself in heaven. St. Peter offers to give him the
tour. They walk around a little, and the man sees Samoans worshiping God
in a Samoan way, and Zoroastrians worshiping in a Zoroastrian way, and
Eskimos worshiping in an Eskimo way, and so on...on and on, till at one
point they come to an enormous fortress made of stone, completely sealed
off, with no windows or doors. Dimly, from within, they can hear the
sound of wild partying. "Shhh," says St. Peter. "Be very quiet." The
two tiptoe past the fortress in utter silence, and when they have left
it a way behind, the man turns to St. Peter and says, "Why did we have to
be so quiet back there? What's in the fortress?" St. Peter answers,
"Oh, those are the Catholics. They don't know anyone else is here."

There was once a noble man who died at the age of sixty five and then
proceeded towards heaven. At the pearly gates, he was met by St.Peter who
asked him whether he wanted to go to heaven or hell. He gave him a chance
to take a tour of both and decide for himself.

First, he was taken to heaven where he was shown people praying and in
general leading a very austere kind of existence. Then he was taken on a
grand tour of hell where he saw people were drinking and having a good
time, lots of good looking women and in general, a lot of merrymaking.

When taken back to St.Peter, he asked to be put in hell. Suddenly, a
huge servant from hell pulled him gruffly by the arm and took him to hell.
But he was shocked to see that there were people being tortured everywhere
and lots of boiling oil and devilish creatures. He exclaimed to the
attendant - "this was not what I was shown a short while ago".

To this the attendant laughed and replied - "Oh, that was our demo model!"

Three people walk up to St. Peter, hoping to enter heaven, but he has a
little test for them first. He asks the first man why we celebrate Easter,
and the man says, "Oh that's the day when we get really dressed up in fun
costumes and go trick or treating right?" St. Peter is disgusted and he
sends the man to hell. The second man comes to the gate and St. Peter
asks him the same question, and this man says, "Oh this is when we eat turkey
and celebrate all of the things that we are thankful for right?" Peter
couldn't beleive it, he sent the second man to hell and called the third
man up. He again asked the man why Easter is so important, and why we
celebrate it, and this man says "Oh, that is easy. Jesus came to the earth
and he was crucified, and burried in a cave.." St. Peter sighed because his
faith in man was restored but then he heard the man say..."and then Jesus
rose up and exited the cave......and if he sees his shadow we get another
3 months of winter right?"

A lawyer shows up at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, "Normally we don't
let you people in here but you're in luck, we have a special this week.
You go to hell for the length of time you were alive, then you get to come
back up here for eternity."
The lawyer says, "I'll take the deal."
St. Peter says, "Good, I'll put you down for 212 years in hell ..."
The lawyer says, "What are you talking about? I'm 65 years old!"
St. Peter says, "Up here we go by billing hours."
-- Orson Bean

A group of new arrivals were sitting in the reception room in
heaven, waiting for their turn to see St. Peter. On the walls of the
reception room were hundreds of clocks all ticking properly along.
Every once in a while, however, a clock would suddenly move ahead
several minutes in one jump.
Curious, one fellow who was waiting turned to the receptionist
and said, "Excuse me, but why do some of those clocks jump ahead
now and then?"
The receptionist answered, "Oh, those are the clocks that
keep track of the days that people still have to live on Earth.
Each person has a clock. Every time they do something sneaky or
bad, they lose some of their allotted time on Earth and their
clock jumps ahead a few minutes."
Interested, the man asked, "Can I see my little daughter's
clock?"
"Sure, said the receptionist," and showed him a clock that ticked
calmly and steadily along.
"Now, can I see my wife's clock, please?" asked the man.
"Why not?" said the receptionist and showed him a clock that for
the most part ran smoothly, once in a great while jumping ahead
two or three minutes at once.
The man said, "You know, I was a good Democrat back there on
Earth. Can I see Bill Clinton's clock?"
"I'm afraid not," said the receptionist. "It's down in
the accounting department. Their air conditoning broke this morning
and they're using it for an electric fan."

This one is normally told to more than one person at a time:

Describe the situation which you find yourself and the listening parties
and then add the fact that some horrible disater happens and you all find
yourselves dead and in hell standing before a man introducing himself as
Satan himself.

Satan says that he is quite busy do to the horrible disaster that has just
occured and that you and your listeners will have to take care of
yourselves and points out that there are just enough doors as are people
and that everyone must pick a door at random and thats how they will spend
eternity. At this satan exits.

You, figuring what the heck, go up and choose a door and as you look inside
and see many people hung by their thumbs and up to their necks in shit, flys
and other insects buzzing around (at this point you may make up your own
torture of eternity is you like), suddenly you here a loud, deep voice say
*insert your name* you are doomed to spend eternity hung up to your neck in
shit by your thumbs.

Continue this general form for the others listening except for one specially
chosen person. When you get to the last person he opens the door and sees
Heather Locklear (or any other superbabe or dude) lying on a giant king
size bed wearing a tiny little silk teddy, when suddenly the loud, deep voice
booms out HEATHER LOCKLEAR you are doomed to spend eternity..........

John Smith [or your favourite politician] dies and goes to heaven. At the
pearly gates he is net by St. Peter and led in. St. Peter speaks:

"Well John, you committed a few weeny sins while you were alive, didn't you?
Lying is something we're a bit hot on at the moment, and, as a politician..."

"Say no more" says John Smith, "you've got me there."

"Right then, since you did so much good generally for your country, we're
prepared to let you in, but you'll have to do penance for two years. You
will have to spend that time with this woman."

At this, the most hideously deformed, smelly, gossipping woman appears.
Smith appears to blanch slightly, but says: "Fair enough, I guess it's
worth it for eternity in paradise."

"Good man, this way now."

St. Peter leads them through a door into a vast chamber, filled with white
robed couples, chatting and laughing with each other. Sweet music and the
aroma of rose blossom fills the air, and angels and cherubs flutter about.
Suddenly, Smith notices his old rival, John Major [or your least favourite
politician], whose death had preceeded his by a matter of weeks. Amazingly,
he is arm in arm with Cindy Crawford [or your favourite woman].

"What the hell is this" storms Smith. Major was the worst thing to happen
to my country for 200 years. He destroyed everything I stood for, and was
totally dishonest in doing it. How come I get 2 years with this hag, while
he gets to cavort with Cindy?"

"Steady on" says St. Peter, "let me explain. That's not Major doing his
penance, it's Cindy doing hers!"

The British Intelligence Chief (James Bond's boss M) sends James Bond on a
secret mission to heaven. When M didn't hear from Bond for over a day, he
got worried and called up heaven. Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says
"Virgin Mary speaking". M asks her if Bond has reached there yet and she
says no.

M waits another few hours and calls Heaven back again. "Virgin Mary speaking"
comes the response. "Is James there yet?" asks M and the response is no again.

M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then
calls Heaven back again. "Mary here" comes the response.

Do you suppose Heaven is on the net? The White House is, so why not?
Suggested addresses:

god@throne.heaven.supreme_gov
st_peter@pearly_gates.heaven.supreme_gov
jesus@crucifix.heaven.supreme_gov

And what about Hell?

satan@fire_pit.hell.supreme_gov

[further suggestions from the net?]

A rabbi was visiting his old friend, a priest. The rabbi had never seen the
practices in the church so he asks his friend if he could attend one of his
sermons. The father says OK. After the sermon the confessions begin. The rabbi
asks if he could sit behind and listen to the confessions. The priest agrees. A
young man steps in the confessional and says
" Father, Father I have sinned".
"What did you do my son" the priest asks.
"I slept with three women during the past week."
"Are you married?"
"No"
"You have committed a great sin but I can help you. Pray the lord, sing gospels
and hail Mary and donate $100 to the church."
After a few minutes another man enters the confessional and says the same
things. The priest asks him to the do the same things and tells him to donate
$100 to the church.
At this point the priest gets a phone call and has to leave. Before leaving he
asks the rabbi tif he could take over the duties for a few minutes and rabbi
says "Don't worry. It's a piece of cake."
A few minutes later a young woman enters the confessional.
"Father, Father I have sinned."
"What did you do my child?" asks the rabbi.
"I slept with a married man."
"How many men did you sleep with?" asks the rabbi
"Just one"
"Are you sure you did not sleep with three men?"
"Yes , I am sure"
The rabbi thinks for a minute and says;
"You have definitely committed a sin but I will help you. Pray the Lord, Sing
gospels and Hail Marys and donate $100 to the church and now the church owes you two fucks."

Chaucer and Shakespeare died. St. Peter told them there was only one
spot remaining in heaven. The one to compose the best 4-liner ending
in "Timbuktu" got into heaven. They came back a day later and
Shakespeare recited:

Two caravans in the desert heat,
Their paths crossed and they did meet,
Side by side, two by two,
They headed off to Timbuktu.

Chaucer grinned and recited:

We were in the desert, my friend Tim and I,
A maidens' harem we did spy,
But they were three and we were two,
So I bucked one and Tim bucked two!

Guess who got into Heaven?

A Catholic, a Jew, and an Episcopalian were lined up at the pearly gates.
The Catholic asks to get in and St. Peter says, "Nope, sorry." "Why not?"
says the Catholic, "I've been good." "Well, you ate meat on a Friday in
Lent, so I can't let you in." The Jew walks up and again St. Peter says
no. The Jew wants an explanation so St. Peter replies, "There was that
time you ate pork...sorry, you have to go to the other place." Then the
Episcopalian goes up and asks to be let in and St. Peter again says
no. "Why not?" asks the Episcopalian, "What did I do wrong?" "Well,"
says St. Peter, "you once ate your entree with the salad fork."

This guy dies and gets sent down to Hell. When he arrives, Satan
(aka Reagan/Bush/Clinton for the benfit of some of our Islamic
Fundamentalist friends)meets him in the reception room and says to him "OK,
now you've got to choose the room in which you will spend the rest of
eternity" and he points towards three doors on the other side of the room.

The guy goes through the first door. Beyond was a vast room with a
concrete floor. The room was full of people standing on their heads.
"That floor looks a bit hard" said the guy "I think I'll try next
door"

So he tries the next door, and finds himself if another vast room,
this time with a wooden floor. Again the room is full of people
standing on their heads. "I Don't like the look of this" he
said, "I'd get splinters of wood in my head" So he tries the third
and final door.

This time, the room is full of people sitting on chairs knee-deep in
shit, eating biscuits and drinking cups of tea. "Hmm" he said to himself
"I suppose that spending eternity sitting on a chair with my legs dangling
in shit isn't such a bad thing, at least I'll have something to eat and drink"
So he went back to where Satan was waiting for him and told him about the
decision he had made.

"Very well," said Satan "you shall spend eternity in the third room"
and he escorts the guy back to the door. As he opens the door he
hears a voice shouting "OK everybody, tea-break's over...back on your
heads!!"

JESUS
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Q&A

Q: If Jesus had an ad agency pushing his product, what would his slogan be?
A: "This Blood's for you!"

Q: Have you found Jesus?
A: No, I didn't even know he was missing!

Q: Have you spoken with the Lord today?
A: No, but give me a buck and I'll drop him a postcard.

Q: Why were most of Jesus' apostles fishemen and NOT cabinet makers?
A: If they were cabinet makers, Jesus would have had to say, "Drop your
drawers and follow me!"
::

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&M's?
A: because they keep falling through the holes in his hands!

Some thoughts on Jesus and Elvis:

Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)

Jesus is the Lords's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.

Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.

Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink."
(John 7:37)
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)

Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)

Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)

Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to
Matthew)
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden
Tribute)

"[Jesus'] clothes became a dazzling white" (Mark 9:3 NIV)
Elvis' snow-white jumpsuits dazzled audiences.


Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception
High School.

Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to
be his foremost recordings.

Jesus was the lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.

Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.

Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.
No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".

Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

Did you hear about the blond who thought Jesus was a giant teddy bear
called Gladly who had something wrong with his eyes because everytime
she went to church they would sing "Gladly the cross I'd bear"!!!

Jesus was on his travels, when he came up to a lonely little town, miles from
anywhere. As one does when one is the Son of God, he went in in an attempt to
spread the Good News. Understandably, he was shocked when the first thing he
saw was a huge crowd of people gathering rocks; in the early ADs, this only
meant one thing. He followed the crowd until they arrived at the village's
place of punishment, at which point a woman was hurled into the centre and
bombarded for a few seconds. Naturally, Jesus leapt in and stopped
proceedings.

"Tell me, what has this woman done to deserve death?"
"She is an harlot, rabbi."
"Hmpf." And then, in a voice like thunder, "Who among you claims to be
Jehovah? Which of you has the right to judge her? Let the person who is
without blame in this regard be the person that can judge her."

And there was complete silence. Until, from the midst of the crowd, a single
stone arced gracefully over every head, and caught the harlot straight between
the eyes.

And Jesus said, "Mother, you can be a real pain sometimes...."

Bumper sticker:
Jesus is coming!
(And boy is he *pissed*!)

Become a Catholic, be led by sexual perverts, engage in ritual canibalism,
and pretend that the Trinity is really one god so you can claim to be
monotheistic (at least when talking to the comatose...).

Jesus Saves

Basic theme is
"Jesus walks on water -- he's the lifeguard at the pool!" gets
repeated three times, then the chorus is "Jesus saves, jesus
saves, Jesus saves." Just like when you were at summer camp.

Let's see:

Jesus puts his money in the Chase Manhatten Bank
Jesus trades in green stamps for a new Mercedes Benz
Jesus buys his groceries on double coupon days
Jesus buys reduced meats at the local discount store

Heard some two thousand years ago at a river in the middle east:

"I don't care who your father is! You're not going to walk where I'm fishing!"

All this talk has reminded me that only 12 months ago Jesus returned
and ended up by the side of the River Severn in Worcestershire, and
confronted an old boy who was sat fishing.

"I am Jesus - I have come to save to all from the horrors that be"
exclaimed the great one.

"Sod off, you're scaring the fish" answered the old one.

"NO, you don't understand - I have returned to save the earth, now
tell me, where should I start ?"

The old boy thinks for a while and tells him to perform a miracle,
then he would believe that this is truly The Lord.

"Walk across the river" he tells Jesus.

So Jesus starts walking across the river, and the water is lapping
round his ankles - then around his shins, then his knees. This starts
worrying him, but continues knowing that he can do it. Next thing he
knows, he slips and disappears under the water, and nearly drowns. He
manages to claw his way back to the shore, and the old man says to him
"There you are, see, you're not Jesus, you can't walk across water"

Jesus responds, " Well, I used to be able to do it until I got these
darned nail holes in my feet!"

Jesus is going through the countryside, very tired from the whole
resurrection thing (crucifiction can be soooooo tiring!).

He comes to an inn and puts three nails on the counter and says to
the innkeeper: "Can you put me up for the night?"

Jesus and Moses were playing golf.
On a long hole with a water trap Jesus pulls out a five iron. Moses tells
him the iron is too short for the hole, but Jesus insists saying, "I've seen
Arnold Palmer do this a milion times." When Jesus drives the ball into the
water trap he asks Moses to split the water so he can get the ball, but Moses
refuses. As Jesus is walking on the water looking for the ball a foursome
comes up and asks Moses "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"

To which Moses replies, "No, he thinks he's Arnold Palmer."

I was reading the New York Times and there was an article saying there is
now proof that Jesus was Irish. The researcher, Melanie Leahy, PHD Case
Western, said the proof was "indelible and unreproachable"
She said the facts are :
1. He lived with his parents until he was 29.
2. He went out drinking with the lads the night before he died.
3. He thought his mother was a virgin, and she, the good woman, god bless her, thought he was god.

Jesus recently walked into a bar somewhere in the Western World. He
approached three sad-faced gentlemen at a table, and greeted the first one:
"What's troubling you, brother?" he said.
"My eyes. I keep getting stronger and stronger glasses, and I still can't
see."
Jesus touched the man, who ran outside to tell the world about his now 20-20
vision.
The next gentleman couldn't hear Jesus' questions, so The Lord just touched
his ears, restoring his hearing to perfection. This man, too, ran out the
door, probably on his way to the audiologist to get a hearing-aid refund.
The third man leapt from his chair and backed up against the wall, even
before Jesus could greet him.
"Don't you come near me, man! Don't touch me!" he screamed. "I'm on disability!"

A small factory in the northwest, Anderson Nails, had been experiencing
years of success and growth. Feeling that he was ready to try for the
big time, the owner (Anderson, of course) contracted a big Madison Avenue
agency to help him promote his product.

Aiming to get the greatest possible exposure, the agency booked a full
minute at the beginning of the Super Bowl halftime show. Anderson was
pretty excited about this, and invited all of his friends and relatives
to his home for a big Super Bowl party.

At the end of the first half, everybody drew closer to the TV, wanting to
see the premiere of the commercial. It began with an arial shot of the
desert, and zoomed in on a small walled city. As the camera slowly panned
about the city, it became apparent that this was Jerusalem, during the
Roman occupation. A large hill on the horizon came into view, and as the
camera drew closer, a number of crosses became visible. The focus settled
on a naked man in a crown of thorns, then moved in for an extreme closeup
of his bleeding hands, and the nails which held them to the cross. The
nails were stamped with the Anderson Nails logo. A subtitle appeared on
the screen, bearing the words "Anderson Nails--the Expert's Choice".

Anderson's guests were horrified. The party broke up before the end of
the game. The next day, he began to get phone calls from his oldest and
most loyal customers, expressing their outrage and cancelling their orders.
By the end of the week, his sales were down to nothing.

He called the president of the advertising agency to cancel his contract.
When Anderson explained the situation, the ad-man was surprised, and
offered to run a new campaign at no charge.

The new campaign was slated to start in a few weeks time (not too long
before Easter, as it turned out). This time, Anderson nervously watched
the commercial alone in the privacy of his office.

It began the same way as before, with an arial view of Jerusalem. The
camera finally settled on two Roman soldiers drinking wine at a table
near the marketplace. Hearing a disturbance nearby, they look up from
their drinks in time to see a naked man, with bleeding hands and feet,
being pursued by a group of soldiers. The first soldier looks at his
companion, smiles knowingly, and says "they didn't use Anderson nails!"

After two thousand or so years, Jesus returns to Earth and finds it much
changed. All confused, he goes off to Jerusalem to seek out the chief rabbi
not being aware that there's this Christianity thing that kind of gathered
some steam since he was last here).
He goes to the chief rabbi and shouts "What am I going to do rabbi ?"
"Excuse me" says the rabbi, "but do I know you ?"
"Of course, it's me, J.C. " he says, getting a little panicked.
"I'm sorry, I just don't recognise you.... wait, you are vaguely familiar"
"Yes, yes..." says J.C., getting excited.
"Could you just raise your arms, kind of perpendicular to your body... and
lean against that bookcase"
"Sure" says Jesus "then you'll remember"
No sooner does Jesus assume the position, but the rabbi grabs a hammer and
nails from his desk drawer and starts to hammer vigorously "You won't get
away this time!!".

MONKS
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A man in the middle ages became fed up with humanity and decided to spend the
rest of his life in a monastery. The abbot warned him that he would have to
take a vow of silence and live the rest of his life as a scribe, to which the
man replied, "No Problem. I'm sick of talking."

Ten years went by, and the abbot called for the man. He told him that he was
a model monk and perfect scribe, and that they were very happy to have him.
As per their tradition, he was allowed to say two words. Asked if he had
anything to say, the man nodded and said: "Food cold."

The abbot sent him on his way. Ten years later, he was brought before the
abbot again and once again told how pleased they were with his performance,
and that he was again allowed two more words if he so chose. The man said:
"Bed hard," and was sent back to work. Another ten years went by and again
the abbot sent for the man, telling him that he was the best monk they had
ever had, and that he was allowed another two words. The man nodded and said:
"I quit."

To this, the abbot replied in a disgusted tone: "Doesn't surprise me.
You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Two men visiting a monastery see a monk frying some fish and chips. One says
to the other: 'is that the fish friar?'. The other says, 'no, it's the chipmonk'.

Did you hear about the giant rat that swallowed the monk? They tried to free
him, but all they could do was pull the habit out of the rat.

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