Religious Humour (part 2)

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Religious Humour part I | Religious Humour part III

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A mature woman was in the pastoral study receiving counseling for her
upcoming fourth wedding. "Father, how am I going to tell my
husband that I am still a virgin?" "My child, you have been a
married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be." "Well, father,
my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was
talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd
get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was
look. But his time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm
going to get screwed."

The new priest, at his first sermon, was so afraid he could hardly
speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor
how he could relax. The Monsignor said "Next week, it might help if
you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything
should go smoothly."

The next week the young priest put his elder's suggestion into practice,
and really talked up a storm. After the sermon, he asked the Monsignor
how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "Fine, but there are a few things
you should learn before you address the congregation again."

First-- Next time, sip the vodka rather than gulping it down.

Second-- There are 10 Commandments and 12 Disciples, not
12 Commandments and 10 Disciples.

Third-- David Slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

Fourth-- We do not refer to Our Savior, Jesus Christ, and his
Disciples as the late J.C. and the boys, nor do we
refer to the cross as the "Big T."

Fifth-- The Father, Son & Holy Ghost are not Big Daddy, Junior,
and the Spook.

Sixth-- It's the Virgin Mary, not Mary with the cherry.

Seventh-- Next Sunday's event is a taffy pulling contest at
St. Peter's.

A woman is nearly caught with her lover when her husband comes home early.
To hide her lover, she puts him in the closet. While in the closet, the lover
soon learns that he is not alone. The breathing he hears belongs to, he
discovers, the woman's young son.
"Gee, it's dark in here, sir," said the boy.
"Geez, kid, please shut up," replied the nervous man.
"Well, mister, I think I'm gonna scream."
"Please, kid, don't scream."
"Can I have some money?" asked the boy.
"Well, here, here's five dollars, it's all I've got."
The boy, sensing that the man was lying, pressed on.
"I really feel like screaming."
"No, kid, look, here's fifty dollars, just don't scream."
"Well, I don't know"
"Here's the last of my money, just don't scream."
The boy, satisfied, agreed to be quiet. Later, he went with his mother to
a store where a brand new bike was on sale. When he tried to buy it with his
new-found cash, his mother became suspicious of the source of this money.
So, being a "good" Christian, she took him in to see the local pastor in
confession.
"Gee," said the boy, not used to being in the confessional, "it sure is dark
in here."
"Don't start that with me again," said the priest.

A priest and a rabbi found themselves seated together on a long trans Atlantic
flight. They started talking and became quite friendly. The priest slyly said
to the rabbi, "Tell me the truth Rabbi. Have you ever tried a ham sandwich?

The rabbi confessed that he had once tried a ham sandwich. Then he asked the
priest, "You guys are supposed to be celebate. Have you ever had sex with a
woman?" The priest confessed that he had. "Beats the hell out of a ham
sandwich, doesn't it?" asked the rabbi.

Said the Episcopalian priest to the Presbyterian minister:

"After all, we are both doing the Lord's work -- you in your way, and
I in His."

Farmer Brown is working hard in his garden. It's a fabulous garden.
It has been meticulously weeded, watered, and fertilized. The plants
are all flourishing and beautiful.

Along comes the parson, he says, "Glory be there, Farmer Brown. Ain't
it a mirucuhl what the Lord can do in a garden?"

Farmer Brown sez, "Reckon so, Pastor, but ya shoulda' seed it when he
had it all to hisself."

A Polak saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his collar, he stopped
him and said, "Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt backwards?"

The priest laughed, "Because, my son, I am a Father!"

The Polak scratched his head. "But I am a father too, and I don't wear my
shirt backwards!"

Again the priest laughed. "But I am a Father of thousands!"

To which the Polak replied, "Well then you should wear your shorts backwards!"

The pope went to a steak restaurant where the waiters called orders
for rare steak into the kitchen by yelling, "One bloody steak!" The pope,
trying hard to fit in, offers, "...And an order of fucking fries!"

A lady was having a conversation with a (catholic) priest :

L: I have a female parrot, very beautiful, but it constantly says
very obscene things.

P: Oh, but I have a parrot too, a male, which prays all the time.
Let's put them together.

So they brought the female parrot to the priest house. As soon as
the male parrot sees the female, it screams :
"Thank you my God, my prayers have been answered !"

Two brothers went to confession, the younger one went in first. The priest
always liket to ask questions to the children before their confession so the
priest asked the little boy, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy ran
out and told his brother, "Let's get the hell out of here, the priest lost
God and wants to blame it on me!"

A priest and a businessman were playing golf. After playing for a while,
the businessman's game takes a turn for the worse.
"Damn! I missed!" he swears as his ball lands in a sand bunker.
The priest is understandably shocked and admonishes the businessman:
"Do not swear, my son, or God will punish you."
The next time the businessman fails, however, he exclaims again:
"Damn! I missed!"
The priest grows angry and scolds him severely:
"My son, you place yourself in great jeopardy by your words!"
But alas, as the businessman's ball again fails to roll where he wants
it to, he yells loudly:
"*Damn*, I missed!"
Suddenly a lightning bolt strikes from the clear sky and reduces the
priest to a pile of smoldering ash. A booming voice from
heaven then shouts:
"D A M N ! I M I S S E D !"

A priest was praying for guidance:
"Oh God, grant me this knowledge: what is the meaning of life?"
For a while, Creation was silent. Then a
booming voice, sounding severely pissed-off, shouts from heaven:
"R E A D T H E F * C K I N G F A Q !"

The Pope was in the middle of an audience when his principal
advisor whispered in his ear, "Your holiness, I hate to interrupt,
but the Messiah is on the phone and he wants to talk to you."

The Pope excused himself so he could take the call in private.

A few minutes later he came back out with a somber expression.
He said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news
is that the call WAS from the messiah, and the time of the second
coming IS at hand. The bad news is that he was calling from
Salt Lake City." [Red Skelton]

The Pope and Ted Kennedy die at the same time and meet on the way to
their prospective destinations. After a brief discussion they proceed
on, but due to some unforeseen confusion, Ted winds up in Heaven and the
Pope goes to Hell!

After a few hours, the error is caught and they again meet on the way to
their final resting places.

The Pope say, "Boy, I was worried for awhile. I always wanted to meet
the Virgin Mary."

Says Ted, "I think you're too late."

from Dave Allen (Irish Comedian)

So the priest is talking to the minister, and he's complaining that
someone's stolen his bicycle. The minister replies, "Well, I've
had things go missing too. What I always do is to give a sermon on
the Ten Commandments, and really lay into `thou shalt not steal'.
Usually, the item just turns up by Tuesday." The priest agrees, and
they go their separate ways.

The next week, the minster meets the priest again, and asks whether
he got the bike back. "Oh, yes! I did just what you said,
and when I got to the bit about coveting thy neighbor's wife, I
remembered just where I'd left it!"

Seems this Catholic priest was feeling despondent over being posted to a
dry, desert parish. He wrote letters to his bishop constantly, requesting
that he be posted somewhere more hospitable. No reply to his letters ever
came, and soon the letters stopped.

Some time later, when the archbishop was making the rounds of the rural
churches, he stopped in to see how the unhappy priest was doing. He found
a pleasant man, in an air-conditioned church. There were no parishoners,
since the closest neighbors were many miles away. The archbishop admitted
to some confusion, since the priest did not look like the desperate writer
of so many letters. He asked the priest how he liked it out in the desert.

"At first I was unhappy. But thanks to two things I have grown to love it
out here in the sparse desert."

"And they are?" the archibishop inquired.

"The first is my Rosary. Without my Rosary I wouldn't make it a day out
here."

"And the second?"

At this the priest looked askance. "Well, to be honest, I have developed a
taste for martinis in the afternoon. They help to alleviate the heat
during the worst part of the day." He looked sheepish at this admission,
but the archbishop just smiled.

"Martinis, eh? Well, that's not so bad. In fact, I'd be glad to share one
with you right now, if you don't mind that is."

"Not at all!" the priest exulted. "Let me get one for you right away."

Turning to the back of the church, the priest shouted, "Oh, Rosary..."

Top 6 Complaints of Priests

6. Priestly robes are so tight, they make your underwear ride up
5. People who use the collection basket as a change machine
4. Walking into the church at 4 in the morning to find some hooker
using it for a different kind of service
3. Having to help lift a really fat woman after she genuflects
2. Everytime the choir hits a high note, it shatters some of the
stained-glass windows
1. Everyone seems to be looking at them

The abbot of a monastary was about to ordain three new priests, Pepe,
Pepo, and Pipo, but he had some doubts about their virtue. So he
bought a Playboy and had them each tie on a little bell beneath their
robes.

He called in Pepe, and showed him the Playboy. Immediately he heard
"ring, ring." Good Lord," said the abbot, "This is terrible. I am
ashamed of you. I can still ordain you, but first we'll give you a
cold enema to see if we can fix this."

Next he called in Pepe, and showed him the Playboy. Nothing happened,
so then he unfolded the centerfold, and heard "ring ring." "A little
better," said the abbot, but it's still a cold enema for you.

Last he called in Pipo. He showed his the cover, then the centerfold,
and the entire magazine, and didn't hear a thing. "Excellent," said
the abbot, "I'm genuinely proud of you. You will be ordained
immediately. Your first job will be to give Pepe and Pepo over there
a couple of cold enemas." Ring, ring, ring, ring....

There were three priests who were on their way to Pittsburg for a convention.
When they arrived at the train station, all three were taken aback by the
scantily clad, BUXOM woman behind the counter. After a brief moment of
discussion about their shock, the self styled leader approached the counter
and said, "I want three pickets to tittsburg." To help cover the embarassment
of his comrade, the second priest stepped in to save the day. He handled
himself pretty well, until he said he wanted his 35 cents change as
a quarter and two nipples. As they were leaving, the third priest decided
that he should do the christian thing and advise the young woman that
her apparel was in appropriate. He said, "Young lady, you really need to
do something about your appearance. If you don't, when you get to the gates
of heaven, St. Finger will shake his peter at you!"

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch accross from a brothel, and one
noticed a Rabbi walk into the place. One said to the other, "It's a
sad day when men of the cloth walk into a place like that." After a
little while, the other man saw a minister walk into the brothel. He
stood up and said to his partner, "Did ya see that? It's no wonder
the children today are so confused with the example that the clery
are settin' for them." After about another hour, the first man saw a
Catholic preist walk in. He promptly stood up and proclaimed to his
partner. "Aw that is truely sad. One of the poor lassies must be
dyin'."

A young Protestant couple wants to become Catholic.

"How long have you been Protestant?" asks the priest.

"All our lives."

The priest thinks a while, then replies:

"We usually have those who wish to join the faith perform some sort of
penance to prove their sincerity. Your penance is simple. You and
your wife must not make love for 30 days."

30 days later, the husband returns.

"How did it go?" asks the priest.

"Well, for the first 29 days, it was fine. We didn't even look at
each other. And then, on the 30th day ... I saw her standing over
the freezer ... and I just had to. I'm sorry, Father."

The priest frowns. "Well, I'm afraid that this means I won't be able
to let you into the arms of the Church."

"That's OK," says the husband. "They won't let me in the supermarket
any more either."

THE PREACHER'S ASS

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and being told that
there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to buy one and enter him in
the races. However, at the local auction, the going price of a horse was
so high that he bought a donkey instead. He figured that since he had
it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his
surprise the donkey came in third. The next day, the racing sheets
carried this headline:

"PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS"

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
races again, and this time it won! The paper read:

"PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT"

The bishop was so upset with this publicity that he ordered the
preacher not to enter his donkey in another race. The headlines read:

"BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS"

This was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get
rid of the animal. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in the
nearby convent. The headlines read:

"NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN"

The bishop fainted! He informed the nun that she would have to
dispose of the donkey. She finally found a farmer willing to buy
him for $10. The paper read:

"NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS"

They buried the bishop the next day. The headline?:

"NUN'S ASS KILLS BISHOP"

-Anonymous

An American businessman sent one of his public relations
officers to Rome to try and get the Pope to record "Give us
each our daily coke." The P.R. man came back empty handed.
He had offered the Pope $500,000 dollars and had been turned
down. His boss commented, "Turned down half a million
bucks! I wonder how much the bakeries are paying him?"

"A Swedish bishop was getting ready to visit USA. Some of his
close associates advised him to be careful when responding to
reporters on his arrival in New York. The bishop however was
overconfident and paid little heed to the advice. On arrival at
JFK airport, during a press conference one reporter asked
the bishop if he was planning on visiting any night clubs in New
York? The bishop replied "Are there any night clubs in New York?"
suggesting that he was ignorant of anything like night clubs in
New York.

To his surprise, the next mornings papers had the follwing banner
headlines, 'Bishop asks,"Are there any night clubs in New York?"

The pastor of a small congregation was trying to find a contractor to
paint his church. Because the church fund was low and he couldn't pay
very much, he selected the lowest bidder.

The contractor decided to make the job pay better by skimping on
materials. He thinned the paint with solvent and then only applied one
coat.

Within months, the poor paint job began to flake away and the church
looked worse than before the work was done. The pastor sent a note to the
contractor that said,

"Repaint! Repaint! Thin no more!"

A pastor went out visiting one afternoon. At one house he knocked on the
door several times, but no one answered. He could see though the window
that the television was on, so he took one of his cards, wrote
"Revelations 3:20" on it and put it under the door. ("Behold, I stand at
the door and knock; if anyone will open, I will come in.")

The following Sunday, a woman handed him a card with her name and the
following message: "Genesis 3:10". ("I heard thy voice and I was naked,
so I hid myself.")

One sunny Sunday in Spring, Father Fitzpatrick noticed that there was a
smaller gethering than usual for the noon service. So as soon as the
final hymm was sung, he slipped out the back way and went along the
streeet to see who was out and about instead of coming to church.

The first person he saw was old Mrs. O'Neil, sitting on a park bench with
her cane beside her. The good cleric sat down next to her and said, "Good
afternoon, Mrs. O'Neil, why weren't you in church today?" Mrs. O'Neil
replied, "Well, Father, it was just such a lovely day today I didn't want
to be cooped up in that stuffy ol' church!" The priest was a bit taken
aback by this blunt answer, so he thought for a minute, then asked, "But
Mrs. O'Neil, don't you want to go to heaven?" To his surprise, the
elderly lady shook her head vehemently and said, "No siree!"

At that, the priest got to his feet indignantly and said firmly, "Then I
am ashamed for you!" Now it was Mrs. O'Neil's turn to be surprised. She
looked up at him and said, "Oh, Father, I thought you were gettin'
together a group to leave right now!"

The Pope was scheduled to visit a city and when his plane landed at the
airport he stepped onto the tarmac to hear cries of "ELVIS ELVIS". The
Pope looked around to see who they were shouting at and said, "I'm the
Pope, not Elvis. Anyway, off he went in his Popemobile, through the City
to hear people shouting, "ELVIS ELVIS". He said, I'm the Pope, not
Elvis, can't you see, I'm wearing the hat, the robe and the cross, I'm
the Pope. Anyway, he eventually got to his Hotel and as he walks into
the Lobby the Hotel Manager says, "WHOA KING". The Pope says for the last
time, I'm the Pope not Elvis. Looking very annoyed, the Pope goes up
to his Hotel Room and as he enters, sitting on his bed is a gorgeous
Red Head looking very seductive. She sighs to him, "OH ELVIS"
The Pope gets down on one knee and sings, "Wella blessa my soul, what'sa
wrong with me".

A Vicar is in the vestry with the Verger. The Vicar says to the Verger
"For my sermon today I think I'll take the subject of 'The Widow's Might'",
the Verger turned to the Vicar and replies "Oh I wouldn't bother, there
are only two in the village and they both do." Frankie Howerd

A priest is out for an afternoon strool and turns the corner and finds a little
boy with a hammer smashing the tar out of a bunch of ants. The kid is saying
to himself "I hate these fucking ants...I hate these fucking ants."

The priest is taken back by the little boy's language and talks to him and
says basically God doesn't make junk. Tomorrow I will be coming by again and
if you can tell me three things that God created that are worthless than I will
let you continue killing the ants.

The next afternoon the priest is out again for his walk and comes upon the
little boy smashing ants. The priest reminds him of the agreement that they
made saying the boy agreed not to kill any more ants unless he could name three
things that God created that are worthless.

The boy looks up with a devilish smile and says "I know three things"

The first is a prick on a priest, the second is tits on a nun and the third are
these fucking ants.

TOP TEN PAPAL OBJECTIONS TO THE CAIRO POPULATION CONFERENCE

10. Frequent flyer miles will not take him to Egypt, only to Bosnia.

9. Confuses the Cairo conference and the environmental conference and
thinks the U.S. wants a cap on sperm emissions.

8. Kurt Waldhiem wasn't invited.

7. Thinks reduction of famine and disease will put Mother Teresa out of work.

6. Can't get a date with Benazir Bhutto.

5. Thinks Al Gore faked leg injury to gain sympathy with women delegates.

4. Angry because Kenya gets free condoms and not the Vatican City.

3. His headgear is overshadowed by everyone else's funny hats.

2. Thinks there's "too much pork" in the conference proposals. (Also a
Muslim objection.)

1. Al Gore is so damn stiff you could nail a messiah to him.

One lovely day in May was Vocation Day to inspire potential priests and nuns
to the religious calling. All the priests were concelebrating mass and the
teaching nuns were there in the front pews- behind them the prospective
religious were squirming in their seats and making spitballs out of the
missals.
The Monsigneur lifted his eyes to heaven and said, "Pray for vacations!"

MISCELLANEOUS
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Drive your karma, curb your dogma
Swami Beyondananda's Guidelines for Enlightenment

1. Be a Fundamentalist - make sure the Fun always comes before the
mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be
canceled. A laugh track has been provided, and the reason why we are
put in the material world is to get more material. Have a good
laughsitive twice a day, and that will ensure regularhilarity.

2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift - just for
entering. So you are already a winner!

3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That is
where I tell a vision to you, and you tell a vision to me. That way,
if we don't like the programming we're getting, we can change the
channel.

4. Life is like photography, you use the negative to develop. And, no
matter what adversity you face, be reassured: Of course God loves you
- He's just not ready to make a commitment.

5. It is true. As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought
particles tend to get caught between the ears, causing a condition
called truth decay. So be sure to use mental floss twice a day. And
when you're tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach
in Swami's Absurdiveness Training class: "Don't get even, get odd."

6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly
live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you, you no mad at me. That
way, there'll surely be nomadness on the planet. And peace begins with
each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all
the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.

7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if
you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you find
a fault, just don't dwell on it.

8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train
the world, and we'll never have to change it again.

9. If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some bad
news and some good news. The bad news is - there is no key to the
Universe. The good news is - it has been left unlocked.

10. Finally, everything I have told you is channelled. That way, if you
don't like it, it's not my fault. And remember, enlightenment is not
bureaucracy. So you don't have to go through channels.

The San Jose Sharks hockey team recently sponsored a father/son night
as part of the festivities, there was a drawing, and one of the
prizes was a dinner for the winning father and son with the Sharks'
goalie, Arturs Irbe. Well, the winning group went out to eat, and
it must have been something to see-the father, the son, and the
goalie host.

A nuncio, where they exist, has the rank of an ambassador. While in Paris,
Roncalli once said: "You know, it's rough being a papal nuncio. I get invited
to these diplomatic parties where everyone stands around with a small plate
of canapes trying not to look bored. Then, in walks a shapely woman in a
low-cut, revealing gown, and everyone in the whole place turns around and
looks -- AT ME!"

Best Halloween costume I ever saw: A couple were dressed as a priest and
nun, but carried guns, knives, grenades, ammo belts, etc. They were
"Clint Priestwood and Sister Mary Magnum, Vatican death-commandos."

Possible spinoff: "Ninja Nun:" Equipment includes steel-cable rosary for
garrotting, and little crosses with sharp points, for throwing.

This is a sight gag.
A parachutist is about to take his first jump. The instructor told him
to jump and pull the rip cord. If the chute didn't open he was to
pull the emergency chute.

The jumper said but what if that chute doesn't work. The instructor said
then pray that Allah saves you!.

He jumped, pulled the rip cord - nothing. He pulled the emergency cord-
again nothing. What was he to do. He said Allah save me, Allah save me-
Just then a giant hand appeared in the sky (here is the sight gag - do it)
caught him and lowered him softly to the ground. The jumper whewed and said
Jesus Christ - that was close. (Do this) The giant hand turned over and Splat.

Okay, you free-love atheist swine. It's time to put down your filthy
bitmapped bimbos and your smutty newsgroups and sit up straight.
Pastor Stephan is going to save your miserable asses from eternal
damnation. You can buy me large plots of land later.

For todays lesson we will be covering a topic of historic and
lexicographic interest. As you know, in ancient and Biblical times
the inhabitants of the Middle East had a lot of time on their hands.
(Hence the Sons of Abraham-- three faiths [Judaism, Christianity,
Islam] sharing theology, prophets, sacred sites, and even sacred
texts-- and yet each works for the destruction and expulsion of the
other two!) A side effect of this was tolerance for extremely long
proper names.

Amazingly enough, many of these names have entered the English
language. And so, in the interest of spiritual enlightenment and
building power vocabularies, allow me to present...


THE TOP FIFTEEN RIDICULOUSLY LONG BIBLICAL NAMES

15) Abelbethmaachah: Kings 1 15:20, Kings 2 15:29. A city in Israel.
MODERN USAGE: Euphemism to describe two people you don't know making
love. EXAMPLE: "Yeah, that Earth First! rally was disgusting. Never
seen so much sleeping-bag abelbethmaachah in my life."

14) Almondiblathaim: Numbers 33:46-47. Another Israeli settlement.
MODERN USAGE: Insult. The literal translation out of the Hebrew is
"Place of men who blather about almonds all the time"; thus,
almondiblathaim is used to mean people who go on and on about
something you could give a hoot about. EXAMPLE: "Oh, great, the
programmers are coming over. Don't ask them how work is going;
instant almondiblathaim."

13) Apharsathchites: Ezra 4:9. Inhabitants of yet another city.
MODERN USE: Geological techspeak. EXAMPLE: "No, you knucklehead.
Apharsathchites have don't mica inclusions, now, do they? Which means
this is? Think... come on... Christ! It's GRANITE, you pinhead!"

12) Berodachbaladan: Kings 2 20:12. King of Babylon. MODERN USAGE:
Medical assistant techspeak. Used to describe the sound a full bedpan
makes when dropped.

11) Helkathhazzurim: Samuel 2 2:16. Battlefield in Gibeon. MODERN
USAGE: Onomatopoetic description of accidental death resulting from a
stream of urine striking an electrified third rail.

10) Merodachbaladan: Isaiah 39:1. Another spelling of Berodachbaladan,
King of Babylon. MODERN USAGE: Medical assistant techspeak: Used to
describe the sound a full bedpan makes when dropped on a doctor's
foot.

9) Ramathaimzophim: Samuel 1 1:1. Samuel's home town on Mount Ephraim.
MODERN USAGE: Stew produced by a collective. EXAMPLE: "Hey, I bet
some crab meat would go really well in this!" "Go ahead, Al! It's a
ramathaimzophim!"

8) Tilgathpilneser: Chronicles 1 5:6, 5:20; Chronicles 2 28:20. King
of Assyria. MODERN USE: A specific type of potent Czechoslovakian
pilsner prepared with ox tails.

7) Zaphnathpaaneah: Genesis 41:45. Joseph's Egyptian name. MODERN
USAGE: The practice of freebasing mothballs.

6) Bashanhavothjair: Deuteronomy 3:14. The name Jair son of Manasseh
gave to the country of Argob. MODERN USAGE: The practice of achieving
hegemony over a patch of land the size of an olive pit, naming it
after yourself with a five syllable jawbreaker, and then proceeding
straight into historical oblivion.

5) Chepharhaammonai: Joshua 18:24. Still another Israeli city.
MODERN USAGE: The practice of pretending ham is chipped beef, still
practiced by guilty members of the faithful to this day.

4) Kibrothhattaavah: Numbers 11:34-35, 33:16-17; Deuteronomy 9:22. A
cute bit in the wandering of the Jews in the desert. Chapter 11:
Everybody's in the desert. They're getting sick of manna. People
start wondering why they left Egypt; they ask Moses for flesh. Moses
talks to YHVH. YHVH promises 30 days of flesh. YHVH send a great
cloud of quails. People pig out. And then:

11:33 And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere
it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the
people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague.

11:34 And he called the name of that place Kibrothhattaavah:
because there they buried the people that lusted.

MODERN USAGE: Fast food meat contaminated with feces.


3) Selahammahlekoth: Samuel 1 23:28. Where Saul laid off the pursuit
of David and went off to beat up the Philistines. MODERN USAGE: the
amount of sexual humor one can make in the workplace without being hit
with a sexual harassment lawsuit.

2) Chushanrishathaim: Judges 3:8-10. King of Mesopotamia. YHVH got
ticked at the Jews because they "served Baalim and the groves" [Judges
3:7] and so Chushanrishathaim got to enslave them for eight years.
MODERN USAGE: A guy who could have been a contender for serious fame,
but wasn't allowed to be evil long enough to ensure his reputation.

1) Mahershalalhashbaz: Isaiah 8:1, 8:3. The child of Isaiah and "the
prophetess." No other mention is made of this woman. The child is
used in Isaiah 8:4 as a measure of time ("For before the child shall
have knowledge to cry, My father, and my mother, the riches of
Damascus and the spoil of Samaria shall be taken away before the king
of Assyria")-- and is never mentioned again. MODERN USAGE: Fruit of a
sexual relationship between a famous person and a bimbo-- when the
famous person SWEARS the relationship was purely a professional one.

A pastor was addressing the children during the Christmas service.
"Who is the mother of Jesus?" he asked them. Without hesitation,
dozens of tiny voices chorused back "Mary."

"That's right. Now who can tell me who is the father of Jesus?"
There was quiet and fidgeting. After all, no one told them there
was going to be a quiz.

Then a young girl spoke up. With assurance, she boldly announced:
"I know. It's Virg."

After two more seconds of silence the entire community erupted in
laughter. Of course - we all know it was Virg 'n Mary.



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