Religious Humour (part 3)

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Religious Humour part I | Religious Humour part II

NUNS
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Q&A

Q: What kind of fun does a priest have?
A: None.

Q: How do you get rid of a nun's hiccups???
A: Tell her she's pregnant!!!

Q: What is the definition of suspicion?
A: A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.

Q: What is the definition of innocence?
A: A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping
bags for mice.

Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A: A roaming catholic.

Q: What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A: A tran-sister.

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

Q: What's black and white and chases nuns?
A: A horny penguin

Q: What do you call a nun with a sweet tooth?
A: A Carmellike.

Q: What's black, white and red and swings from the ceiling?
A: A nun on a meathook.

Q: What's black, white and red and doesn't fit through a revolving door?
A: A nun with a spear through her head.

Q: What do you get when you cross an apple and a nun?
A: A computer that won't go down!

Q. What are the bedtime rules at the convent?
A. Lights out at 10, candles out at 11.

Q: What's black and white and black and white and black and white?
A: A nun falling down the stairs.

Two nuns in a bath. The first one says "Where's the soap"; the second one
replies "Yes it does, doesn't it"

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come
this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles"

Mother superior at the grocery: "I would like to have 120 bananas for the
convent."
Salesman: "If you buy such a large quantity, it is more economic
to buy 144 of them."
Mother superior: "Oh well, we could always EAT the other 24."

Choirboy 1: Hi! I have to go to confession today, and I'm a bit worried.
You know this priest a long time already. What would he give
for committing sodomy?
Choirboy 2: That's two chocolate bars.

Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're
accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?"
Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior."
Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?"
Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants."
Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?"
Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than
he with his pants down."

A priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent. She says,
"Just this once." Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her.
She replies, "Well, alright, as long as you don't get into the habit."

Two nuns are walking down an alley at night. Two guys jump out and start
raping them.
The first nun looks to heaven and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know
not what they're doing." The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"

A group of people are touring the White House in Washington D.C. As the tour
ends, they are waiting in line to sign the visitors register. A group of Nuns
are in line to sign the book, followed by a Jewish family with their young son
Sheldon. As they near the visitors registry, young Sheldon loses patience and
runs ahead to sign the book. However, his mother stops him and admonishes him
saying, "Wait till the nun signs Shelly!"

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to
ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally
the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he
said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what
you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.

Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and
says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you
do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at
heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the
holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly
under her breath.

The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me , Father, for I
have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving
my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors
dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says,
"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By
this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.

Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I
have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last
night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for
a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy
water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears
run down her cheeks.

The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session.
The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious
frown on her face. She began to speak...
Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....

The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.
After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once,
seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about
the church, and in particular, nuns.
"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say,
about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about
three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
"I'm sure."
"Okay."
Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why.
So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs.
Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy
fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....

A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked
there's a knock at the door.
The nun calls: "Who is it?"
a voice answers: "A blind man".
The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in
the room while she's naked so she lets him in.
The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says:
"Corrrrrrrrrrrr, and can I sell you a blind dearie...?"

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking
by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk
to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it:
a goddamn fish". So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said
"Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught." The mother superior
said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But mother
superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the mother superior said
"Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the
fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish
that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't
talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it:
a goddamn fish". So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and
I'll cook it". That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table,
and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the
goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish". And
the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish". And the new priest said:
"I like this fucking place already!"

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway
across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.
They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue,
but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going
to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their
predicament in great depth.

Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and
there's always been one thing I wanted here on earth - to see a woman naked.
Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take
off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I
think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off
your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed,
"Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put
it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his
imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees
another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third
sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his
curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the
steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black
habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your
signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this
door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in
a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place
$50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this
hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second
nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door,
pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds
himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE,
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver
she is very ill and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver
agrees to accomodate her, but the nun explains that she can't have sex with
anyone who is married as that would be a sin. The bus driver says No problem,
he is not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she will have
to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again. Being the only two on the
bus, they go to the back of the bus and take care of business.
When they were done, and he had resumed driving, he said "Sister, I have a
confession to make. I am married and have three children". The nun replies:
"Thats OK. I have a confession too: My name is Dave, and I am on my way
to a costume party".

This raggedy-assed old nun was walking home from the convent one day, when
this man jumps out from the bushes and has his way. When he was finished,
the man asked her, "What will you tell the Holy Father now, Sister?"
She says, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home
from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped
me twice, unless you're tired."

Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business
next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother
Superior if she had any dirty habits.

Three nuns are walking down the street, when a man jumps out and flashes them.
The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, the third one
didn't touch him.

There was this Irish nun sitting on the curb, sipping a bottle o' stout
and obviously drunk out of her mind. The town constable walked up to her
and said, "Sure, now sister Colleen, and why'd ya be doing a thing like
this?" The sister replied, "Oh now, it's not fer me-self I done it sir.
I done it fer the mother superior to cure her constipation." The
perplexed policeman looked askance at this and asked, "And how might it
be that yer present state could have anything to do with the mother
superior's constipation?" To which sister Colleen said, "When she sees
me this way, she'll be shittin a brick."

A priest decides to pay a visit to a nearby convent. The convent is in a
run-down neighborhood, and as the priest walks down the street several
prostitutes approach and proposition him, "Twenty bucks a trick!"
These solicitations embarass the priest who lowers his head and hurries on
until he gets to the convent. Once inside he displays his naivete by asking
the Mother Superior, "What is a trick?"
She answers, "Twenty bucks -- just like on the outside!"

A nun is driving her (well, the convent's) car through some very
lonely countryside. The car stops and she notices there is no petrol
left. So she walks to the nearest filling station. But of course, being
a nun, she is a little unworldly, and so she forgot to take along the
canister for the petrol. The nice guy at the filling station has no canister
either. He thinks for a while, then he hands her a chamber-pot full
of petrol. The nun walks back to her car and starts pouring the
petrol into the tank. A bypassing car stops, and the driver looks out
and says:
"Sister, how I would like to have as much faith as you do!"

Married To A Nun

I'm a married man but I have no fun
'cause I got married to a lady nun
'nd I can't even dare to say
what really happen' on the weddin' day
'nd then I said, I'll fool around
sneak at night and make no sound
pay a visit to the lady neighbor
spend the night 'nd do some labor
but then she caught me at the door
'nd banged my ass right to the floor
'nd now I'm married 'nd I have fun
just lying idle in the sun

During a blizzard, a parishinor of a Milwaukee parish was in a bad accident
near Green Bay. The priest and nun from Milwaukee were driving up to the
hospital the victim was in, in case last rites were necessary. As they were
driving, the storm got worse and worse. Finally they decided they would have
to stop for the night because the roads were so bad. The only motel they
could find was already full of stranded travellers. The clerk told the priest
"Since you are a priest and all, I will give you a room for the night, but I
just can't give you each a separate room, you will have to make do with two
beds in one room." The priest thanked him and payed for the room. during the
night, the power went out, and the heat went out with it. Luckily there were a
lot of blankets is the closet. After a while, the nun asked, father, father,
I'm cold--so the priest got another blanket and put it on her. After a while
longer, she said "father, I'm cold, can you get me another blanket," so he did.
After a while, she again asked for a blanket. This time the priest responded
"I think in the situation we should pretend to be husband and wife in order to
keep warm." The nun was stunned and didn't think it was appropriate, but he
was the priest, so she really couldn't argue. She said "O.K., father, if you
are sure its proper we can pretend to be husband and wife" to which he
responded: "SO GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLANKET!"

A group on nuns are travelling in a car when it has a flat tire. They get
out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly do not know how to do
it. Luckily, a truck came along and the (male) driver offered to change
it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it
slipped from the jack and he yelled, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

The eldest nun said to him,"That is not nice language. We understand that
you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."

"Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time
almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch", he yelled again.

"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do
so, it would be better if you didn't help us."

"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something
like 'Sweet Jesus, help me'".

So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started
to say "So..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me."

At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself. The nuns looked
at the car and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

I believe in this and it has been proven by research:
He who fucks nuns will later join the church.
The Clash

Three novices in a nunnery were in their nightly bull-session, and the
conversation went to what might have happened if they had not decided to
take holy orders.

First novice: "I think I would have become a school teacher." The others
said that was very nice; teaching children is important.

Second novice: "I would have liked to be a nurse." That's also a fine,
useful profession, said the others.

Third novice: "I think I would have become a prostitute." At this, the
others gasped and fainted dead away! When the third novice revived the
others, she apologized for shocking them so. "I shouldn't have come out
so suddenly to say I would have become a prostitute."

"Oh", said the others, "a prostitute. We thought you said protestant."

There once was a man from Verdun
who tried to seduce a young nun
"while I'm not in the habit,
and quite far from the abbot,
how else will I have any fun?"

There once was a man from Verdun
who tried to seduce a young nun
he tried in the front
but got only a grunt...
so he decided to try in the bun!

There once was a man from Verdun
who tried to seduce a young nun...
She giggled and squealed...
Then turned quick on her heels...
Saying, "I'm much too GOOD for you, son!"

It's allright to kiss a nun, just don't get into the habit.....

"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it."
Said the lazily amorus abbot.
"Although its more fun
to have sex with a nun,
its so hard to get into the habit!"

Did you here about the pharmaceutical company? They developed a new drug
that, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent.

The FDA refused to licence it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.

A nun goes to confession, ".....oh Father, I am ashamed, I was golfing with
the other sisters, and said the "F" word.

"Oh Sister, what made you say the 'F' word?"

"Well I teed off the 5th hole, and sliced it into the woods"

"Sister, for that you said the "F" word?"

"Oh no, I got out of that mess ok, only to land in a sand trap."

"Sister, for that you said the 'F' word?"

"Oh no! I got a good hit out of the trap, it bounced on the green, and rolled
into the trap on the other side"

"Sister, for that you said the 'F' word?"

"Oh no, I hit it out of the trap, and came up 6 inches from the hole"

"Oh Sister, for that you said the "F" word?"

"Oh heavens no Father"

Then the priest cuts in and asks "Sister, don't tell me you missed a F*@!!@*
six inch putt!!"

Three nuns were walking along the street and one was describing with her hands
the tremendous grapefruit she'd seen in Florida.

The second one, also with her hands, described the huge banana she'd seen in
Jamaica.

The third nun, a little deaf, asked, "Father who?"

A few nuns are riding bicycles. After a while they stop, Mother
Superior gets off the bike and says, "all right, enough for today, now
we put the seats on! "

Two nuns knock on the front door, and a child opens it:
"Can you give us something for our charity asylum?"
"Sure!, Hey, grandpa, come here!"

The two nuns in charge of shopping for a cloistered convent are
driving in their car, and as they turn a corner, they are spotted by
the traffic cops. The officer steps up to the car and looks inside,
then he begins unbuttoning his fly. One nun looks at the other nun
and says, "Oh man... not another breathalyzer test..."

There were three little girls who where attending a Catholic grammar school.
One day during class the nun caught them laughing while she was teaching.
The nun became quite angry and told them that she wanted to see them after
class.

After class, Sister Mary told the three little girls that she was going to
give them a quiz on religion. She asked the first girl if she knew which
part of the body was the holiest. The first little girl thought awhile.
Then the little girl said, "Well Sister Mary, the holiest part of the body
is the hands." And then the little girl put both her hands together as
though she she going to pray and continued, "It's because we use are hands
while we pray to God." Sister Mary nodded.

Then the nun asked the second little girl, "What part of the body do you
think is the holiest part of the body?" The second little girl said, "Well
Sister, the head has to be the holiest part of the body." Pointing to her
head, she continued, "It's the part of the body that has the mind, so all
our souls are in our heads." Again the nun just nodded.

"Well", the Sister said to the third little girl, "and what do you think is
the holiest part of the body?" The little girl was excited and said, "The
feet are the holiest part of the body!" The Sister was puzzled and asked why
she thought the feet where the holiest part of the body. The little girl
continued, "Well Sister Mary, last night I was walking past my parent's
bedroom door and I saw mommy with both her feet pointing in the air and
daddy was on top of her trying to keep her down while mommy was screaming,
'Oh my God! I'm coming, I'm coming!!'"

There was a Nun who kept saying BLOODY. Every second word she said was
bloody. The other Nuns weren't too happy about this so they decided
that next time Sister says bloody all the Nuns would get up and walk
out, nothing would be said, just up and out.

The next day Sister runs in and says, "the Bloody American fleet has just
bloody well come bloody in. All the Nuns get up and walk without saying
a word. Sister shouts back after them and says, "you don't have to bloody
run they'll be here for a bloody week".

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was
gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?",
he asked. "Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." Sister Susan explained, matter-
of-factly. A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even
more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?", he asked again.
"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." She replied again. A couple of months
later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carraige around the
convent. He leaned over and looked in the carraige and said,
"Cute little fart."

Two Nuns were out driving in the countryside, one was a Mother Superior
and the other was a Novice. As they were driving along the Novice
turned to the Mother Superior and said, "isn't this countryside known
for having Vampires?". The Mother Superior said, "yes, but we will be
okay". Just as she said that an enormous Vampire landed on the roof
of their car, with large fangs dripping blood, it started to demolish
the roof of the car. The young Novice screams out, "what'll we do,
what'll we do?" The Mother Superior screams, "quick get out and show
him your cross". The Novice gets out and goes to the Vampire,
"if you don't get off that BLOODY roof, I'm gonna rip your BLOODY
arms off".

RELIGIONS
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Q&A

Q. What is a real Jewish dilemma?
A. Free ham.

Q. What is a Jewish pervert's favorite pick-up line?
A. Hey little girl, wanna buy a piece of candy?

Q. What do you get when you cross a devil-worshipper with a Jehovah's Witness?
A. Someone who goes from door to door and tells people to go to hell.

Q. What do you get when you cross a Mafia Muscle Man with a Jehovah's Witness?\
A. Lots of converts.

Q. Why doesn't Jesus like hockey?
A. He doesn't like being nailed to the boards.

Q. Who was the first computer operator in the Bible?
A. Eve, she had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.

Q. How do you put 5 Nazis and 300 jews in a volkswagen?
A. Two germans in the front, three in the back and the jews in the ashtray.

Q. How was copper wire invented?
A. Two jews fighting for one cent.

Q. Why do jews drink snapple instead of coke?
A. Because snapple doesn't have gas.

Q. What goes clip clop clip clop BANG?
A. An amish drive by shooting.

Q: What is a popular cheer at a Jewish football game?
A: Get that quarter-back!

Q: Who is the most elastic man in the Bible?
A: Balaam. He tied his ass to a tree and walked 2 miles into town.

Q: Who is the most contipated man in the Bible?
A: David. On the throne for 40 years.

Q: Who was known to have bladder problem?
A: Wasn't it Noah, you know, with the water problem?

Q: Where in the Bible does it describe the most people in one automobile?
A: In The Acts of the Apostles it says that 100 people went to Jerusalem "in
one accord."

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's Angel Biker?
A: Someone who comes to your door on Sunday and tells YOU to fuck off

Q: Why did the jews wander in the desert for for 40 years?
A: Someone dropped a quarter!

The Guide to Comparative Religion, Philosophy, and Comparative Economy

Taoism: Shit happens.
Conficianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
Shintoism: Sushi happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Scientology: This shit happened before, but we can clean it up if you
pay us enough.
Feminism: This shit happened before, and WE won't clean it up!
Mormonism: This shit is going to happen again.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Bahai: Shit happens universally.
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Lutheranism: Have faith that shit will happen.
Catholocism: Shit happens because YOU are BAD.
Sunni Islam: If it happens to be shit, it's Allah's will and you'd
better submit!
Shi'ite Islam: WE WILL DESTROY YOUR SHIT!
Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, Rama Rama.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to US?
Reform Judaism: Shit happens to whom it may concern.
Conservative Judaism: Why does shit happen?
Lubavitcher Hassidism: Blessed are they upon whom He sends His most
holy Shit to happen.
Orthodox Judaism: So shit happens, already!
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.
Mithraism: Bull shit happens.
Agnosticism: How can we know if shit happens ?

A Jewish couple have a Son who is a bit troublesome: at age five he starts
in school, and pretty soon, his parents get to hear that things aren't going
well. After a couple of months, they are asked to "take him out of school",
since he is not setting a good example to the other Jewish children.

Things go from bad to worse: after only a month in reform school he's thrown
out again, and even the state correction center can't deal with him.

Eventually, in desparation, the parents take him to the only place left: a
local Catholic school. The don't hear anything concerning his performance, no
reports of trouble, but their curiosity is really aroused when he comes home
at the end of the term with a report card showing three B's and the rest A's.

Things continue in the same vein, and at the end of the second term, he's
running straight A's, and by the end of the school year, his performance has
been so good that he is head of the class list.

His mother taks him aside and asks, "What's going on? We send you to your
own people, and they throw you out. The reform school can't deal with you,
and even the state correction center wasn't enough. But now, with these
Catholics, you're getting the best grades ever."

"Well momma," says the boy "I wasn't too bothered by those other places,
but the first thing I see when I go into that Catholic school is a Jewish
kid nailed to a cross. I know when to back down...."

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the
religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in
communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a
church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job
and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured,
whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his
wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the
time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes
towards heaven and asked:
"Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and
confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe
in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness,
while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
And a great voice was heard from above:
"B E C A U S E H E D O E S N ' T B O T H E R M E A L L T H E T I M E !"

A man was walking down the street when he sees a boy with a wagon full
of kittens going in the opposite direction. The man stops the boy, talks
to him for a minute and then asks, "What kind of kittens are those?"

The boy replies without missing a beat, saying, "Them's [insert least
favorite religion] kittens!" The man is puzzled, but not wanting to
get into a theological debate with a 5 year old, decides not to press
for more information.

About two weeks later, the man runs into the boy, who also happens to be
pulling the wagon full of kittens. The man asks the boy, "What kind of
kittens did you say they were?"

They boy responds, "Them's [insert favorite religion] kittens!"

The man, struck by the change in answers decides to inquire further,
"But two weeks ago, you said that they were [insert least favorite
religion]."

The boy replies, "They were, but now they got their eyes open!"

BIBLE HUMOUR
Edgar Pearlstein, Lincoln, Nebraska
[top of page]

To appreciate this as humor, you have to imagine yourself and your companions
as the biblical-days equivalent of a group of racist, sexist, good-old-boys
hanging out at the general store:
Abraham was a sly fellow. When he went to Egypt he spread word that his
beautiful wife, Sarah, was actually his sister. This led the Pharoah to give
Abraham lots of gifts, as part of his wooing of Sarah. Poor Pharoah got
punished by the god for taking Sarah, but he was really an innocent victim of
Abraham's lying. When Pharoah found out about the deception, he didn't kill
Abraham; he merely sent him and Sarah away and didn't even take back the
gifts! (Genesis 12:20) The scam worked so well that Abraham pulled it again
with another king, Abimelich (Genesis 20), who was sucker enough to give
Abraham still more wealth (Genesis 20:14). Honest Abe!
Abraham must have told his son Isaac about all this, for Isaac pulled
almost the same stunt (Genesis 26:6-14), apparently with the same Abimelich,
who must have been a real dunce.
Abraham dickered with the god about how many righteous people in Sodom it
would take to justify sparing it (Genesis 18:22-32). This has to be the
first recorded case of what is now pejoratively called "Jewing-down".
When Lot was a very old man, he had sex with his daughters, and they both
became pregnant (Genesis 19:31-38). According to the Bible, Lot was a
"righteous man" (2 Peter 2:8), and the excuse for his committing incest was
that he was so drunk at the times that he didn't know what he was doing.
Performing sexually while very old and dead drunk? If you believe that,
you'll believe anything.
A girl gets raped, and because she is too stunned to cry out, is herself
punished (Deut 22:24). (A big "hee-hee" for the male chauvinists!)
David wanted to have Saul's daughter for a wife. Saul demanded as
payment 100 Philistine foreskins. David instead got him 200 (1 Samuel 18:25-
27). Gross!
David, a really horny character, got a peek at Bathsheba bathing herself,
and had the hots for her. But she was already married to Uriah. So David
arranged to have her husband sent off to war and get killed, in order that
he, David, could have her. Now that's worth a couple of snickers, but it
gets even better: the god didn't like that, so he punished David by having
all his wives raped in public! (II Samuel 11:2-12:12). A real knee-slapper!
Did the god MOON Moses? (Exodus 33:23) Look it up!
Judah had sex with his daughter-in-law, thinking she was a whore. When
he later found out who she was, he wanted her to be burned to death. But she
outsmarted him by proving that it was he who had sex with her (Genesis 38:13-
27). So here was a case where the woman outsmarted the man. Yuk yuk; who
said those bible-day boys couldn't laugh at themselves?
Ruth, upon Naomi's instructions, sidled up to Boas at night in order to
gain favors (Ruth 3:3-18). (giggle). Another case where a woman gets the
better of a man.
Jesus preached that we should give to the poor. But he dismissed that
idea when his own comfort was at stake, with the wisecrack "The poor ye have
with you always" (Mark 14:7, Matthew 26:11, John 12:8). It's always a good
guffaw when a pious one commits hypocrisy. And it's doubly funny when that
person is fond of calling other people hypocrites!
Jesus was hungry, and came upon a fig tree. Unfortunately, there wasn't
any fruit on the tree, since it was the wrong time of the year. Jesus got so
furious that he cursed the tree! (Matthew 21:18-20, Mark 11:12-21) Can you
picture that? (The tree up and died, but there is no indication that the
curse on fig trees lasted "to the tenth generation", as did some biblical
curses.)

From sullivan@kenyon.edu

Finally! Having the right comeback line when the opportunity presented itself!

My wife was reading a fascinating article about the religious practices
of the Incas and as an entree into making me aware of the contents said,
"Do you know why the Incas practiced human sacrifice?" To which I replied,
"To get to the other side!"

Some time ago, a man lost his wife to illness. He handled it fairly
well, considering he had just lost his lifelong partner, but after a few
months he found himself aching to talk to her just one more time. So, he
first goes to a [insert least favorite religion] church and tells the
pastor of his dillema. "Please, sir, if there is any way I could possibly
talk with my wife just one more time, I would be eternally satisfied."
The Pastor sympathizes and gives the man a phone number for a direct line
to Heaven. The man couldn't wait to call when he got home, so he called
from the church. It was wonderful to hear his wife's beautiful voice
again, but he didn't want to ring up too much of a bill, so they only
talked for a 1/2 hour. Afterwards the man asked the pastor how much it
would cost him. The pastor replied, "A mere $2000." The man was surprised
at how much it cost him, but he figured it was worth it, so he paid it.

Two weeks later, he was experiencing the same aching feeling, so he went
to call his wife again, but this was the last time for sure. He just
wanted to say a proper goodbye. This time he went to the [insert favorite
religion here]. The pastor gave him the same number as the [least favorite
religion] pastor did. This time he and his wife talked for one whole hour.
He was anticipating a huge bill, and had stopped by the bank on the way to
withdraw money. He asked the pastor how much it would cost, and the
pastor replied, "A mere $200." The man was flabbergasted. He exclaimed,
"Why, sir, is it that the [least favorite religion] church charged me $2000
for half an hour and you, the [favorite religion] church charged me only
$200 for twice the time?!?" The pastor replied, "Well, it is because we
are that much closer to Heaven than the [least favorite religion] church."

Become a Catholic, be led by sexual perverts, engage in ritual cannibalism,
and pretend that the Trinity is really one god so you can claim to be
monotheistic (at least when talking to the comatose...).

Two people are talking:
--"You know, your family name is pretty unusual, but I could swear
that in my school there was a nun by the same name. Could she be a
relative of yours?"
--"Well, I don't know. What was her first name?"
--"Ay, well, I can't remember... we always called her "mother".
--"Mother! Of course she's a relative... that's my mom's name!"

A Jew is dying, and he asks : Are you there dear wife? and she answers,
why yes my love. Then he asks Are you there beloved son? and he says yes
I am father, so the father asks Then WHO THE FUCK IS MINDING THE STORE?!!

An old Jewish beggar was out on the street, begging with his tin cup. A
man passed by and the beggar said to the man, "Sir, could you spare 3
cents for a cup of coffee?"

And the man said, "Where do get coffee for 3 cents?"

And the beggar said, "Who buys retail?"

A christian and an atheist were on death row. It so happens that they
were both scheduled to be executed on the same morning. The warden asked
the christian, "Do you have any last requests?"

The christian replied: "Yes I would love to hear the song "Amazing Grace"
before I die."

"That is not unreasonable," the warden replied, "We can play it many times
over the loudspeakers right up to the moment..."

Then the warden turned to the atheist and asked, "Do you have any final
requests?"

"Yes," the atheist replied, "Can I go first?"

An old Armenian is dying; his entire family is gathered around him. When
he comes to, he asks everybody but his eldest son to leave. When they
are alone, he says: "Look after the Jews". Son, taken aback, says:
"Father, don't you have anything more important to say to me at this
moment?" The father repeats: "Look after the Jews: when they are done
for, it will be our turn."

***A BUNCH OF MENNONITE JOKES***

Q. How do we know that Adam and Eve were Mennonite?
A. Who else would be alone in a garden with a naked woman and be tempted by a
piece of fruit?

Q. What happens when you take one Mennonite fishing?
A. He drinks all your beer.

Q. What happens when you take two Mennonites fishing?
A. They don't drink any of your beer.

Q. What's the difference between a Mennonite girl and Alaska?
A. About three degrees.

Q. What's the difference between a Mennonite boy and a rock?
A. The rock moves faster.

A TV researcher is making a documentary about religion and needs some
information about the collections. First he goes to see a Protestant
Vicar. He says "I'm making a programme about religion and I wanted
to know how you share out your collection". The vicar says "Well I get
all the money on a big plate and share it out - one for me, one for
God, one for me, one for God". The researcher thanks the vicar and goes
to see a Catholic Priest. He tells the Priest what the vicar does and then
asks the same question and the Priest says "Oh no I haven't got time for
all that. I get all the money on a plate and then get a big knife and cut
right down the middle and one half is for God and one half is for me". The
researcher thanks the vicar and goes to see a Jewish Rabbi. He tells the
Rabbi what the Vicar and Priest do and asks the same question again. The
Rabbi says "Oh no I haven't got time for all that, I get all the money on
a plate and throw it all up into the air and what stays up goes to God and
what comes down goes to me". Frankie Howerd

One day a Catholic priest goes to a barber for a haircut. After the
haircut, he asks the barber how much he owes. The barber says, "For a
man of the cloth, the haircut is free!"

The priest thinks "What a nice man!" The next day the barber finds
a case of wine outside his shop.

Then, a minister comes in for a haircut. Again, the barber tells him that the
haircut is free. The minister thinks "What a nice man!" The next day,
the barber find a box of chocolates outside his shop.

Then, a rabbi comes in for a haircut. Again, the barber gives the haircut
on-the-house. The rabbi thinks "what a nice man!" The next day, the barber
finds a long line of rabbi's outside his shop!

Two Jewish guys are walking down the street, and one decides that he needs a
new suit. So they stop in at Pinkus the Tailor, and ask to see a suit. Pinkus
takes one out from the back, and says "this is the latest fashion, and it's a
bargain!". The guy buying asks if it is available in black, Pinkus says "Of
course", so the guy buys it. As he leaves, he reminds Pinkus to make the suit
in black. The next week, the two Jewish guys go back to Pinkus to pick up the
suit. The buyer looks at it very closely, and says "I think this is dark blue,
not black!" Pinkus assures him that it is, indeed, black. So the guy pays,
puts on the suit, and they leave the store. However, he remains
unconvinced.
As they walk down the street, the guy in the new suit says "I have an idea
about how we can check the suit... there are two nuns coming towards us, in
their habits. Let's kind of push up against them, and we can check if the suit
is black."
So as the two Jewish guys passed the nuns, they pushed up against them, and
they all fell down together. The Jewish guys looked at the nuns, the nuns
looked at the Jewish guys, and they parted without saying a word.
The first nun turns to the other and says "I wonder what that was all
about?". The second nun says "I know they looked Jewish, but I wasn't sure."
"Why not?"
"Because one of them spoke Latin."
"Latin? How? What did he say?"
"I didn't catch all of it, but what I heard sounded like 'Pinkus Fuckedus'"!

There was an elderly southern widow who lived in a large mansion. She
was feeling generous when it came to thanksgiving, so she called up
the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.

"Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on
thanksgiving, but please, don't send any jews. Please, no jews."

The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for
the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."

Well, thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door
when it rang. She was surprised to see four of the blackest boys that
anyone had ever seen, especially in the south.

"But... But.. There must be some mistake" she stammered.

One of them replied, "No ma'am, lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes"



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