Sex Humor
part II

A couple went to mass and took confession. The husband went into the
confessional and said "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The father asked him the nature of this - to which he replied "While my wife
was bending over the freezer I had lustful thoughts and had my way with her."
The Priest tried explaining that having sex with your own wife was not a sin
and forgiveness was not needed. Still, the man insisted that he felt guilty.
The priest told him to say three Hail Mary's and be on his way.
Next, the wife went into the confessional and said that while she was leaning
over the freezer her husband had had his way with her. The priest asked her how
long she had been married. She replied it was three years now. The priest
tried to explain to her that it was quite proper for married people to have sex
and that there was nothing to be guilty about. Still, the woman insisted that
she felt guilty so the priest told her to say three Hail Mary's and think no
more about it.
As she turned to leave, the woman asked the priest if her and her husband
would be banned from the church. "Banned from the church?! Whatever gave you
that idea?' the priest queried. "Well," she said, "they banned us from the
supermarket!"

The couple visited a sex clinic to complain that their sex life had become a
bore.
Each night, the man would arrive home. His wife would prepare supper. After
supper, they'd watch two hours of television. Immediately afterwards, they would
go to bed. From that point on, every move was routine.
"No wonder," the sex therapist said. "You've mad sex monotonous. Stop living
on a schedule. Get into sex whenever you feel like it. Don't wait until bedtime
each night to do it. Do it whenever you get into the mood."
The couple agreed to try the advice. They returned the following week.
"How did things work out?" the sex therapist asked.
The man and his wife were beaming. "It worked! It worked great!!!"
"Tell me about it," said the therapist.
"Well, two nights after we saw you last, we were eating supper when I noticed
that although it was only seven o'clock, I had this huge erection that was
unstoppable. Sweetie pie here was staring at it with longing eyes. So I didn't
wait for any shower or any news broadcast. Instead, I reached out, ripped off
her blouse and bra. Then I tore off her panties. I flung her right onto the
table, spilling all the wine and soup in the process. Then I unzipped my fly
and pulled out my cock and we began to screw. Man, we fucked and fucked like we
never fucked before!!"
"That's wonderful!!" said the sex therapist. "I told you it would work if
you did it when the spirit moved you!"
"Only one thing," said the man a little sadly. "They're not ever going to let
us come back to the restaurant at The Ritz Hotel any longer."

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on
the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm
sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay
fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later,
he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow
too?."

A young couple left the sex therapist's office determined to develop more
effective body language.
"Alright," said the husband, "when I want sex, I'll rub your right breast.
When I don't want sex, I'll rub your left breast."
"Okay," said the wife, "What should I do then?"
"Well, when you want to have sex," he told her, "rub my penis once. When
you don't want any sex, rub it 200 times."

These three women were sitting around one night talking about there
boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on types
of soda.
The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew" because he is as
strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"
The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce "7-Up" because he has seven
inches and it is always up!"
The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man "Jack Daniels."
The other two women responded: "Jack Daniels? But that's a hard liquor."
The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he
passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a
moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she
gets mad at me for sucking my thumb."

The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day
someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter words for
me," was the reply. "Really?" "Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long
she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some
preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally
got organized for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing.
The fellow asked her what she found so amusing.
"Your organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side."
Hurt, he replied, "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."

This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been
afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

A couple pulled into the driveway after their first date. The guy leans over
and gives the girl a long, slow kiss. While he's kissing her, he quietly unzips
his pants, takes her hand, and puts it on his penis.
When she realizes what it is, she screams, jumps out of the car, and yells
back at him as she starts closing the car door, "I've got just two words for
you, Drop Dead!!"
"And I've got two words for you too," the guy shrieks, "LET GO!!!!"

A guy runs into this girl at a bar. After a few drinks and a little dancing,
they decide that they're going to end up spending the night together. In the
car on the way back to his house, she looks at him guiltily and says, "I have a
confession to make. This bra that I'm wearing," she continues, "well, its
padded."
He quickly responds, "that's okay, it doesn't matter."
"Its *really* padded," she adds. "I'm flat as a baby," she explains,
"there's, like, nothing there."
"I guess thats okay," he follows, "I have a confession to make as well."
After a moment, he continues, "I'm, sorta, well, hung like a baby."
She ponders a moment and agrees that it really doesn't matter, and that
they're both going to have fun anyway.
When they arrive at his house, they go into the bedroom and begin undressing.
Sure enough, she removes her bra and she's so flat that you can see her ribs.
He smiles at her, takes his pants off, and his damn member hits the floor!
"What!" she exclaims, "I thought that you said you were hung like a baby!"
"I am," he replied, "8 pounds, 24 inches!"

Three women were having a drink on the patio of their country club when the
door to the mens locker room blew open, exposing a man wearing nothing but a
towel over his head.
"Well, it's not my husband," said the first woman after looking.
"He isn't mine, either," said the second.
After a long look, the third woman said, "Why, he isn't even a member!"

Some smart looking businessman dude was sitting in a bar drinking a beer one
night when a gorgeous well stacked blonde walked in. She says "For $250, I'll
do anything you want, only you have to describe it in three words or less". He
thinks about this a minute or so, pulls out $250, and says "Paint my house".

Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up
whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father."
The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother."
The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."

A man visited a fortuneteller and sat down in front of her crystal ball. "I see
you are the father of two children," she said. "That's what you think," the man
replied. "I'm the father of three children." The fortuneteller smiled and said,
"That's what *you* think."

For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon
trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still
there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when
they arrive. The husband says "I'll just nip around by their window and see
what they do - we can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!"
Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged
in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with
their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them
between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around
his erect member. After a few minutes of this they rush together and make
tumultuous love.
The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his
eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more
inflamed herself. "Darling, this is going to be so good," she says: "Run right
out for some grapefruit and Lifesavers!"

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful
17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to
Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So,
tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love
almost every night, we -"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost
every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love
Tuesday..."

This old geezer of 78 marries a girl of 18. The morning after the wedding
night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face.
"What's the matter, dear?" asks the woman at the front desk.
"Well," sniffed the girl, "He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, and
I thought he meant his _money_".

A 75-year-old man went to his favorite bar and met a woman with whom he hit
if off real well. They went to her place and had sex. The old man tried and
tried, but he could not achieve orgasm.
A few days later, he noticed a drip at the end of his penis, so he went to
see the doctor about this oddity. The doctor asked him if he had sex recently
to which the old man said that he had.
"Do you remember who the woman was and where she lived?" the doctor asked.
"Sure do," replied the old man.
"Then you better get over there right away," said the doctor. "You're about
to come."

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night
after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph,
"Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It
means you can take your pick."

A newly married couple came home from their honeymoon and moved into the the
upstairs apartment they'd rented from the groom's parents.
The first night, the father of the groom was awakened from sleep by his wife
nudging him by hitting his stomach with her elbow. "Roger, listen!" she
whispered.
He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in rhythm.
The wife said, "Come on, Roger!!" So Roger rolled on top of her and screwed
her.
He was trying to fall back to sleep when, fifteen minutes later, the same
sounds were heard. The wife nudged him again and said, "Roger! Listen to them!
Come on, Roger!"
Once again, Roger got on top of her and made love to her.
A short time later, the bedsprings upstairs began to squeak again. And again
the wife nudged her husband. "Roger, listen!" At this, Roger leaped from the
bed, grabbed a broom, and banged the handle against the ceiling as he shouted,
"Hey, kids, cut it out!! You're killing your old man!"

There was once a guy whose tongue was so long that when he stuck it out for
the doctor, the nurse went, "Aaaaaahhh!!!"

There's this old man in a nursing home and he's hornier than hell. So he
sees this cute nurse and says, "How about a quickie for twenty bucks?"
She agrees and gets on top of him. They go at it for about ten minutes.
After the act, the old man says, "You know, if I knew you were a virgin, I would
have paid you a hundred bucks."
In reply, the nurse says, "If I knew you could get it up that high, I would
have taken off my pantyhose."

There was an old man whom, though loved by his son, was being put into an
old-folks home because the son could not provide the round-the-clock care the
old man required.
"Don't leave me here to die alone here!" the old man said, when the day
finally came.
"Now dad," said the son, "we discussed this, and you know its the best thing
for you. I'll visit twice a week, and you can always pick up the phone and give
me a call."
So the son left, and the old man was put to bed. He immediately grabbed the
phone and called his son. "You've got to come get me. This is a terrible
place; the nurses all ignore me, the food's terrible, and I'm so alone!"
"Now Dad, I just left you half an hour ago. How can you tell in only 30
minutes what the place is like? Stay there a few more days, and if it's really
that bad, we'll have to work something out."
So the old man hung up, and eventually found his way to sleep. The next
morning, the nurse woke him, and began to give him an in-bed sponge bath. Much
to the old man's surprise, the attention caused him to become erect, so the
nurse sponged his penis, and then gave him one of the best blowjobs of his life.
As soon as the nurse left, the old man called his son. "Son, this is one
great place you've found for me! The food's great, the company is excellent,
and I've never been happier!"
"That's great news, Dad, I hoped you'd come to like the place once you'd
given it a chance."
Later that afternoon, the old man was walking through the television room
when he tripped and fell. Another resident of the home came over to the old
man, lifted up his robe, and buggered him from behind, mercilessly.
When the old man got back to his room, he immediately grabbed the phone and
called his child, "Son, Son, you've got to get me out of this place! Right
Now!"
"But Dad, a few hours ago, you thought this was a great place to be, now,
I've got to run over there and get you?"
"Son, you don't understand, I get an erection, maybe, once a year, but I fall
down two or three times a day!"

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He
opens his shirt and shows them the grey hair on his chest and they except that
as proof.
He goes home to his wife, show's her the check, and explains to her what has
happened.
She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you
can get disability!"

An elderly gentleman came home one night to find a homeless girl of about
seventeen ransacking the place. He grabbed her by the arm and was just about
to call the police when the girl dropped down on her knees and pleaded, "Please
don't call the police, mister, oh please!! If you don't, I'll let you make
love to me and do whatever you want with my body!"
The old man thought for a moment and decided to give in. Soon they were
naked and in bed together. The old man tried hard and tried hard, but he
couldn't get up an erection. Finally, he rolls over, exhausted, and
embarassed.
"I'm sorry, young lady...but it's no use," he gasped. "I'm afraid...I'm
going to have to...call the police...after all."

An old man goes to the local brothel and says to the madam, "I'd like one of
your best girls, please."
The madam looks him over and says, "You must be at least 70 or 80 years old,
mister."
"Close, I'm 87," he replied proudly.
"Well, grandpa," she said, looking at his frail body, "I think you've had
it!"
The old geezer looked confused for a minute and then said, "I have? ...How
much do I owe ya?"

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded
to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their
wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite
of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got
undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When
he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch
erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the
sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."

From the Dick Purtan radio show:

A man and woman the morning after their honeymoon night were discussing the
previous evenings' events. The woman says, "You are a terrible lover!". The
man replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"

The bridgegroom carried his bride over the threshold and into the honeymoon
suite. They had taken off all their clothes when, suddenly, the sweet young
girl began to tremble.
"What's the matter, honey?" he asked in a concerned voice.
She was now shivering all over. "I've got an attack of St. Vitus Dance,"
she said.
The groom thought about it for a minute, then picked up the hotel phone and
called the bell captain for help.
Four bellboys came rushing into the room.
"Quick! You grab her arms," the young man shouted to two of them. To the
other two, he directed, "Grab her legs and hold her tight!"
He leaped into the bed on top of her, inserted his member into her, and then
shouted to the straining bellboys, "Okay, fellas, let her go now!!!"

A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and have a bop?" the husband asked.
"Shhhh!" said the bride "All the neighbours will know what we're about to do.
These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in
code. For example, how about asking 'Have you left the washing machine door
open' instead?
So the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the
washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it" replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little amorous herself and she
nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open
after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No thanks" said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

And then how about the aged couple (mid to late 60"s) that decide to get
married after losing their respective spouses to death, and then move to
Florida.
As they are are talking through the sharing of household expenses and other
miscellaneous things, (they're both relatively well off with each one having
retirement income), Jane asks Harold what they should do about their own houses.
"Well, we ought to each sell our homes and then we can each put half the
purchase price into our new home."
Harold then asks Jane what she'd like to do about the grocery bills and she
says "Neither one of us eats very much, so maybe we ought to split that bill on
a monthly basis." to which she agrees.
Then what about the utility bill? Same sharing response.
Then Jane asks Harold what he wants to do about the sex thing, and he
replies, "Oh, infrequently" and she says, "Harold, was that one or two words?"

Originally told by Bob Hope, although it probably was written by one of his
writing staff.

"Getting older is FUN. I love it...life is BETTER. EVERYTHING is better. Even
sex. Yeah, that's right, even sex is better....ESPECIALLY the one in the Fall."

An extremely old man visits his doctor and tells him, "I need my sex drive
lowered."
The doctor, incredulous, says, "What?? You want your sex drive _lowered_??"
To which the old man replies, "It's all in my head; I need it LOWERED!"

An old woman in a nursing home says to her male contemporary, "If you take me
to the movie tonight, I'll hold your pecker!"
The old man replies, "Sorry, I'm going to the movie with Mabel and she's
going to hold my pecker."
The old woman asks, "What's Mabel got that I haven't got?
To which the old man replies, "Parkinson's Disease!"

A guy gives his 85-year-old father a surprise visit from a call girl. She says,
"Hi, I'm here to give you some super sex." He replies, "Umm, thanks, I'll take
the soup."

This young stud was at his favorite singles bar one night, looking over the
current crop of women, when he spotted, down at the end of the bar, an
absolutely ravishing older woman of about 50 or so. He was used to scoring with
much younger girls, but he figured, what the hell.
He went over and used one of his best pick-up lines; the woman was VERY
receptive!! So, soon they are back at her hotel room, doing the wild thing, and
as he takes one of her tits in his mouth and sucks on it, he is rewarded with a
mouthful of a warm sticky fluid.
"Hey," he said, "aren't you a little old to be lactating?"
"Yes," she said, "But not too old for breast cancer!"

This elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold apartment when the
husband said, "Doris, we are in bad shape. Inflation has completely eaten up
our Social Security check. The next one isn't due for a week and we've got no
money left for food."
"Well, just what can we do??" she asked.
"Well, gosh," he said. "I just hate to see you do this but it's the only way.
You're going to have to go out and hustle."
"Me??" she said. "At my ripe old age of seventy-five?"
"Yes, it's the only way," he answered. "I can't do anything myself, why with
my debilitating arthrithis and everything."
Resigned to the situation, the wife hobbled out with her walking cane into
the warm night.
She came staggering in the next morning.
"How did you do?" asked the husband.
"Here," she said. "I've got four dollars and ten cents."
"Four dollars and ten cents?" he said. "Heck, who gave you ten cents to have
sex with him?!?"
"Everybody," she replied.

An 83-year-old man married a vivacious 19-year-old college coed. He was
quite content, but after a few weeks, she told him that she was going to leave
him if she didn't get some satisfying sex real soon.
So the man went to a sex therapist who then gave him a very high-priced shot
of spermatozoa extracted from the rare Siberian road runner; the treatment cost
him $60,000. "Now look," said the doctor. "The only way you're going to get it
hard is to say 'beep', and then to get it soft again, you say 'beep beep'."
"How marvelous!" the old man said.
"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said, "it will only work three times
in your life and then the spermatozoa tire out and die. And we don't have any
more of this spermatozoa extract. The Siberian road runner has been extinct for
over a decade now."
On his way home, the old man decided that he wasn't going to live through
three bouts of sex anyway, so he decided to waste one of the beeps to try it
out.
"Beep!" he said.
Immediately, his penis got hard and turned itself into a huge erection.
Satisfied that it works, he then said "Beep! Beep!", and his penis got soft
again. The old man chuckled with delight and anticipation.
Having lost his attention to driving momentarily and veering into another
lane, a car next to him went "Beep!" and the car behind him also responded with
"Beep! Beep!".
Realizing that this noise used up his second erection, the man raced home and
ran into the house as fast as he could for his last great fuck. "Honey!" he
shouted at his young wife. "Don't ask any questions. Just drop your clothes
and hop into bed."
The old man nervously undressed and hollered "Beep!" which instantly gave him
a large ten-inch erection.
Caught up in his excitement, she stripped off all her clothes and jumped on
the bed smiling with delight as she eyed his swollen member. Then just as he
was mounting her and starting to put it in the tender young wife, she said,
"Alright! Now we're really smokin'!!! But what's all this 'beep beep' shit?"

A priest is sitting in his confessional and hears an old man's voice on the
other side of the screen. The old man says, "Father, I'm eighty-one years old,
I've been married to the same woman for fifty-four years, and have always been
faithful. But yesterday, I made wild, passionate love with a pair of lovely
eighteen-year-old twin sisters."
The priest asks, "When was the last time you went to confession?"
The old man replies, "Never...I'm Jewish."
The priest is puzzled. "Then why did you come here today to tell me this?"
The old man says, "Oh...heck...I'm telling everybody!!!"

A perfect lover is a guy with a nine inch tongue who can breathe through his
ears.

It's not the length.
It's not the size.
It's how many times he can make it rise.

There are three sizes of men:
Small, medium, and OH MY GOD!!!!

A little boy was sitting on the curb crying and an old man who was passing
by came over to him.
"What's the matter, little boy?" he asked. "Why are you crying?"
The little boy said, "I'm crying because I can't do what the big boys do."
The old man sat down on the curb and cried too.

A horny man was walking past a graveyard when, all of the sudden, he notices a
guy and girl doing it amongst the tombstones. Being desperate, he says, "Hey,
can I give her a try?" The other guy replies, "Go dig up your own..."

Two guys were cruising downtown, hoping to improve their sex life. As they
passed the mortuary, one elbows the other and says, "How 'bout stopping in for a
cold one?"

A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like
killing my wife. You've got to help me. Please tell me what I should do."
The doctor thought for a moment. "Look," he said, "here are some pills.
Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to fuck your wife six time a day.
If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the
autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex."
"Wonderful, doc," said the grateful patient. "I'll start with this right
away."
He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face.
Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor
passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely
managing to move forward.
"What happened?" asked the doctor. "What happened to your wife?"
"Don't worry, doc," the patient reassured him, "two more days and she'll be
dead."

A dear old lady was staying in a hotel in a small country town and could not
get to sleep because of the noise emanating from a party on the ground floor.
At first, she bore it stoically. But at about 2 A.M., when the screams and
screeches were louder than ever, she phoned the front desk to ask what was going
on.
"Oh, they're holding a Policemen's Ball" replied the clerk.
"Well," said the old lady, "isn't it about time they let go?"

A midget goes to a whorehouse. None of the girls really want to go to bed
with him, so they finally draw lots and Mishell was the unlucky one who had to
go upstairs to the bedroom with the midget.
A minute later, there was a loud scream. The madam and all the girls charged
up the stairs and into the midget's bedroom. Mishell laid on the floor in a
fainted swoon. Standing next to the bed was the midget, naked, with a three
foot erect cock hanging down and almost touching the floor.
The girls were baffled and awestruck by the sight. One of them finally
regained her composure and asked him, "Say, would you mind if we felt that big
piece you're carrying? We've never seen anything like that before."
"Okay, honey," sighed the midget, "But touch ONLY. Absolutely no sucking. I
used to be six feet tall."

The man had heard that there was a whorehouse with an unusual reputation for
the bizarre. So he visited the place and, once inside, asked the madam if she
had anything unusual for him to try.
"Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I do have one number you
might enjoy." She then described a special imported hen that had been trained
to give blow jobs.
"We've got her here, but only for the day."
The man could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went into a room
where the hen was waiting. After a frustrating hour of trying to force his cock
into the hen's mouth and another hour of desperately trying to enter the hen
from the rear, he figured that he was dealing with nothing but a plain old
chicken. He left disgruntled.
The man decided to return the next day to see if any new diversions were
being offered at the whorehouse.
The madam said, "Come this way." And she led him to a dark room where a
group of men were looking through a one-way mirror. The man saw that they were
watching a girl trying to make it with a dog.
"Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him. "This is really great!"
The other man replied, "Man, this ain't nothin'! You shoulda been here
yesterday and seen the guy with the chicken."

A young guy goes to a whorehouse. He knocks on the door and a sultry voice
asks what he wants.
"I want to get screwed," he says.
"Slip fifty bucks under the door," the voice says.
The guy does, waits, and nothing happens. He pounds on the door. "Hey,
hello in there!" he shouts louder, "I want to get screwed!"
"What?" says the voice. "Again?!?"

A man walks into a whorehouse and hands the madam a roll of bills, telling
her, "Give me the worst you've got."
"Sir," the madam replied, "For this much, you can have the very best!"
"Lady," said the man, "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

A college student picked up his date at her parents' house. He'd saved every
cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Caviar
appetizers, lobster, champagne...the works. Finally, he asked her, "Does your
mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she replied, "but then, my mom is not looking to get laid, either."

Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As
the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he
cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking
straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the
coffin at the funeral.
The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed ass.
The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it.
During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to
see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was
no cause to be alarmed.
Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead
man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest
daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night,
they go into they're room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks
puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's
how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room,
you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.

Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?
Mother: Why, a stork, little Johnny.
Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies?
Mother: A raven, dear.
Little Johnny: Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?
Mother: A swallow!

Little Johnny had to walk by a whorehouse on his way to school everyday. A
prostitute always sat outside and called out, "Hi, Little Johnny!" (while
wiggling your pinky). Johnny asked why she always wiggled her pinky at him.
"Well that's about the size of your privates, isn't it?!?" She laughed at him.
The next day, Johnny walked by and she did it again, (wiggle your pinky) "Hi
Little Johnny" to which Johnny replied, (put your fingers in your mouth to
spread apart your lips and stretch out your mouth) "How you doing, lady!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the
teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven
first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."
The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He
says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."
"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's
hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which
part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked
him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.
He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my
mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his
mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a
man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One
day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her
bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off
his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning,
"Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was teaching the
alphabet. "Okay class, today I'm going to call out a letter. You have to stand
up when I call on you, recite the letter and a word that begins with the
letter. Ready? The first letter is 'A'."
Little Johnny, of course, instantly raises his hand eagerly.
The teacher thinks to herself, "I can't call on Johnny. He'll say 'asshole'
or 'asswipe' or something like that." So she calls on little Susie.
Susie stands up and says, "A. Apple."
"Very good Susie! Okay class, the next letter is 'C'."
Little Johnny again instantly raises his hand in earnest.
Again, the teacher thinks to herself, "I can't call Johnny. He'll
say 'cocksucker' or 'cunt' or 'crap' or something like that." So she calls on
little Bart.
Bart stands up and says, "C. Cat."
"Very good Bart!"
Now the teacher starts thinking that if she doesn't come up with something
for Johnny to answer with, she'll go bonkers. Hmmmmm, 'R' doesn't have anything
too nasty? "Ok class, the next letter is 'R'."
Little Johnny hesitates and then raises his hand high as he can.
"Okay Johnny."
Little Johnny stands up and says, "R. Rats."
"Very good Johnny! Ok..."
Johnny blurts out, "BIG FUCKING RATS WITH COCKS THIS LONG!!!!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to
go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this
situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word
'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had
bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

A third grade teacher told her class, "Children, we are going to begin to
study a little sex education. Tonight, girls, your first assignment will be to
find out from your parents how to avoid getting pregnant. For you boys, your
assignment will be to go home and find out what a penis is."
So little Johnny goes home and asks his father, "Daddy, what is a penis?"
The father pulls down his pants and points proudly saying, "Son, that is a
perfect penis."
The next day, when Johnny gets to school, his best friend runs up to him on
the playground and says to Johnny, "I forgot to find out what a penis is! What's
a penis!"
Johnny tells him, "Come on." So they both go into the boys room and Johnny
pulls down his pants. He points down and says, "There, if that was a little
smaller, it would be a perfect penis!"

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First,
she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a
beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he
said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that
on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers
correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the
beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the
sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the
next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.
So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black.
The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day,
just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the
bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room.
Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire
class starts laughing.
The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on
Tuesday!"

There's this classroom of nine-yearolds. The teacher says, "Today, we're
going to talk about sentences. Does anyone know how to make a proper sentance?"
Little Mary puts up her hand and says, "My favorite fruit is a peach."
"Very good" says the teacher, "I see Mary knows how to construct a sentence."
Little Johnny puts up his hand and the teacher says, "Okay Johnny, do you
have a sentence to share with the class?"
Johnny says, "Yes, urinate -."
The teacher interrupts and yells to Johnny, "Get down to the principal's
office!!!"
Johnny goes down and tells the principal the whole story and says that he
didn't get a chance to finish. So the principal sends Johnny back to the
teacher and tells the teacher to give him another chance.
The teacher says, "Okay Johnny, go ahead and finish."
Johnny then replies, "Your an eight, but you'd be a ten if you had bigger
tits!"

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing
in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around,
annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father
caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said,
"That's it! No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started
catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him,
and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when
cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on
them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up
to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her.
To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me
to?"

So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that
the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a
sentence, and several people stick up their hands.
"Carl," she says.
Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're
contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher.
Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the
teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"
Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the
class. "Yes, Johnny?" she says.
Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our
blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush,
and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says
to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence."

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth
grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo.
But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex
education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."
"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.
"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the
teacher calls on him.
"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded
by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he
killed every one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex
education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

At Sunday school, the teacher asked little Johnny, "Do you know where little
boys and girls go when they do bad things?"
"Sure," little Johnny replied. "They go out in back of the church yard."

One day, the mother walks by her young son's room and sees little Johnny
masturbating. Later, she has a talk with him and tells him that good little boys
save it until they are married.
A few weeks later, the mom is having another talk with little Johnny. "How
are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear?" she asks.
Little Johnny cheerfully replies, "Great! So far, I've saved nearly a quart!"

Little Johnny is running around the house making life miserable for his
mother. She says, "Johnny, why don't you go across the street and watch them
build the house. Maybe you can learn some neat things."
Johnny disappears for about four hours and returns later in the afternoon.
"Did you learn anything interesting today?", his mother asks.
"I learned how to hang a door", Johnny replies.
Mom says, "That's great! How do you do that?".
"Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then, you slap the piece of shit up
there but it's too fucking small. So you shave a cunt hair of here and a cunt
hair off there and put the goddamn thing up."
Johnny's mom is floored by his language. "You go to your room and wait until
your father gets home!!".
Later, Johnny's dad goes into his room and says, "I understand you got in a
little trouble today."
"All I did was tell Mom how to hang a door."
"Why don't you tell me", Dad asks?
"Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then you slap the piece of shit up
there but it's too fucking small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt
hair off there and put the goddamn thing up."
Dad screams, "That's it young man. You go get a switch from the back yard."
Johnny looks at his dad and says, "Fuck you, that's the electricians job!"

Little Johnny is bored on day, hanging around the house. He goes into his
parents room and finds them having sex.
"What are you doing?" Johnny asks.
"Uh, well, we're dancing." replies his mother.
"What's daddy doing?"
"He's my partner, now run along."
A few nights later, Johnny goes into his sisters room and catches her having
sex with her boyfriend.
"What are you doing?"
"Ummm, dancing."
"What's your boyfriend doing?"
"He's my partner, now get out of here!"
Then Thanksgiving came around and Johnny's relatives were at his house.
Jonny went into the bathroom and saw his grandfather beating his meat.
"What are you doing?" Johnny once again asks.
"Why I'm dancing." said his grandfather.
"Well, where is your partner?"
His grandfather replied, "When you've danced as long as I have, you don't
need a partner."

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little
girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his
friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to
concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. The
father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself... television,
ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back
and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.
The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and
all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand,
and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table
without Johnny and without comment, the game resumed.
For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the
cardplayers continued without any further interruptions. After the poker game
ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you do to Johnny?
I haven't heard a peep from him all day!"
"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to jerk off."

Little Johnny can't sleep. So he gets up and enters his parents bedroom.
It's not too late and his folks are caught in a very revealing and compromising
position. Johnny is shocked! "Daddy! Mommy! What's wrong! Are you okay?" he
asks hesitantly.
His father being the quick thinker that he is stammers, "Uhm! Your mommy and
I are, ummm, making you a baby brother or sister to play with. It takes a while
and it looks funny but that's how it's done."
Little Johnny thinks for a while and nods in satisfaction. His dad is
extremely pleased and sends him back to bed.
A week later, Johnny is bawling his head off on the front porch.
"What's wrong Johnny?" asked his worried father.
"You know my baby brother you and mommy were making?"
"Yeah?,"
Little Johnny cries, "Well, while you were at work, mommy let the mailman in
and he ate my baby brother!!"

I'm taking a new correspondence course in sex. I invited the mailman in.

A few days after Christmas, a mother working in her kitchen was listening to
her little Johnny playing with his new electric train in the adjoining room. She
heard the train stop and the son said, "All you sons of bitches who want off,
get the hell off right now, 'cause this is the last stop...and all of you sons
of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the goddam train 'cause we're
leaving."
The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in
this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours and think about
what you said, and when you come out you may play with your train again, but I
want you to use much nicer language.
Two hours later, the son came out of his bedroom and resumed playing with the
train. Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son say, "All passengers who
are disembarking, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. Thank
you for riding with us today and we hope you will ride with us again soon. For
those of you boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat.
Remember please that there is no smoking except in the Club Car. We hope you
will have a pleasant relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are
pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the ugly stinkin' bitch in
the kitchen!"

"Mum," says little Johnny, "Sharon and Dave were fighting an eel last night."
"What do you mean?" asks his mum thinking he must have had a dream about his
big sister and her boyfriend.
"Well," says Johnny, "I was sneaking down to the fridge last night when I saw
them. They were hugging with most of the lights off when Sharon's face started
to go a bit funny. Dave must have known this because he put his hand up her
blouse to feel her heart. It took him a long time to find it and by this time
he was sick too because he looked hot and his face was funny. His other hand was
getting cold, I know that because he put it up her skirt. Then I saw what was
making them sick. This big eel had got into Dave's jeans. I know it worried
them because when it sprang out, Sharon collapsed back on the couch and said,
'Oh bloody hell, it's huge.' Dave grabbed her hair and she tried to bite its
head off but soon she made a noise and let it go. It must have bitten her back.
Sharon grabbed it tight and held it with both hands and Dave got something out
of his pocket. I couldn't see that bit too well but it looked like he was trying
to tie it up. They had a go at killing it but the eel put up a hell of a fight.
Sharon got her legs round it, better than world wrestling that grip she had, and
Dave was bouncing up and down on top trying to crush it. They were really
getting a good sweat on and moaning and stuff. In the end, Dave gave his huge
grunt and it all stopped. The eel was lying there when he rolled off. Sharon
must have been scared by this because Dave had to cuddle and kiss her a bit to
bring her round. He felt for her heart again to check she was alright but just
when she'd started to mumble a bit, bugger me if that eel didn't stand up again.
The eel didn't seem to have as much energy but it didn't half struggle and in
the end Sharon did Dave's job. She sat on it and bounced up and down for about
half an hour, the sweat was rolling off her, and she kept gasping hard for
breath and moaning and everything, Dave had to keep checking her heart but he
couldn't remember which side of her chest it was and he kept reaching for both
sides. It took ages but this time they reall did kill the thing. I know that
because right afterwards, Dave skinned it and flushed it away."

Little Johnny was sitting on his backyard swing set with some of his sixth
grade schoolmates one Saturday when they started to tell some jokes to each
other.
Little Susie started off by saying, "Knock, knock?" Everyone answered, "Who's
there?" Susie says, "Boo!" Everyone replied, "Boo who?" To which Susie said,
"Why are you all crying?" and everyone broke out laughing.
At this point, Little Johnny got up and started into his joke, "Hey, did you
all hear about the prostitute who got fingered by Captain Hook?"
Immediately, Johnny's mother, who was nearby watering the roses and had heard
Johnny start off, came rushing over and shouted, "Alright Johnny! That's enough!
In fact, all of you kids can go home now. Leave, please."
The following Saturday, Johnny again invited his friends over, this time to
play some video games. During a lull in the action, Johnny said to everyone,
"You know, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be
leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say..."
This time again, Johnny's mother was in the kitchen and came stomping in
after having heard him. She said demandingly as she gathered his friends
together and shuffled them towards the door, "Okay kids, it's getting late. All
of you will have to leave now."
Little Johnny was puzzled and yelled back at them, "Hey! Hold on, hold on!
There's still plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"

Little Johnny had been waiting in a long line to sit on the department store
Santa's lap when he finally gets his turn at it and climbs up.
Santa say to little Johnny, touching the little boy on the nose with his
finger, "I'll bet you'd like a puppy for Christmas."
Johnny shakes his head, "No."
Santa touches the little Johnny's nose with his finger again, "Well, then
I'll bet you'd like a kitten for Christmas."
Johnny again shakes his head, "No...."
The department store Santa then asked, "Well then, what would you like for
Christmas, little boy?"
Johnny replies with a big grin, "I want some pussy!!!"
Santa, startled and almost speechless, stutters, "Well, I don't have any of
of that!?!?"
Little Johnny, touching Saint Nick on nose, answers back smiling, "Yes you
do, because I can smell it on your finger!"

Little Johnny had a gambling problem. He'd bet on anything. One day,
Johnny's father consulted his teacher.
The teacher said, "Sir, I think I know how to teach little Johnny a real
lesson. We'll trap him into a big wager that he'll lose."
Johnny's father agreed to cooperate with the plan.
The next day at school, the teacher watched Johnny making wagers with the
other children, and she said, "Johnny, I want you to remain after class."
When all the other children left the classroom, Johnny walked up to the
teacher and, before she could say anything, told her, "Don't say it. I know
what you're going to say, but you're a liar!!"
"Johnny!" the startled teacher said, "What are you talking about?!?"
"You're a fake!" Johnny continued, "How can I believe anything you tell me?
You've got this blond hair on top, but I've seen your bush and it's pitch
black!!"
Trying to keep her composure and stay cool, the teacher said, "Johnny, that
isn't true."
"I'll bet a dollar that your bush is black as night!" Johnny challenged.
The teacher saw her chance to teach Johnny a lesson. "Make it twenty dollars
and you have a bet," she said.
"You're on!" Johnny whipped out a twenty dollar bill.
Before anyone could come into the room, the teacher quickly pulled up her
dress, dropped her panties, spread her legs, and showed Johnny that her pubic
hair was as blond as the hair on her head.
Johnny hung his head in defeat. "You win," he said, handing her the twenty
dollar bill.
The teacher could hardly wait for Johnny to leave so she could call his
father back. She reported to him what had happened. "Sir," she said, "I think
we've finally taught him a lesson."
"The hell we have," the father muttered. "This morning, Johnny bet me fifty
dollars that he'd get to see your cunt before the day was over."

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town
all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet
in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and
they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and -"
The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your
father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told
me."
The father comes home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him. "But
why?" croaks the husband.
"Go ahead, Johnny, tell Daddy just what you told me."
"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came
upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed
and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle
Bob when Daddy was away last summer!"

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't
ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." The
boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "you
shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room.
On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks
it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to
his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127
pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"

Little Johnny took his new chemistry set down to the basement where he stayed
all afternoon mixing various liquids together. Eventually, his dad went down
and found him surrounded by test tubes, pounding something into the wall.
"Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" asked the dad.
"It's not a nail," said Johnny. "It's a worm! I tried to bring this worm
back to life with my special chemical mixture, but my formula made the worm hard
as a rock."
Johnny showed his dad the liquid mix that he had soaked the worm in, and his
dad said, "I'll tell you what. You give me the test tube with your special
chemical mixture in it and I'll buy you a Toyota."
So little Johnny handed the test tube over.
The next day, when Johnny got home from school, he saw a brand new Mercedes-
Benz parked in the driveway. He then asked his dad about the car.
"Oh," said the father, "your Toyota is in the garage. The Mercedes is from
your mother."

Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father, "Dad,
what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school
tomorrow."
The father thought some and said, "Okay, son, the best way I can describe
politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm capitalism because I'm the
breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything,
our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the
people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does
that help any?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you
said."
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was woken up by his
brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he
went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the
bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest
room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that
his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldn't do anything else, he
turned and went back to bed.
The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think
I understand politics much better now."
"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"
Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is
screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and
the future's full of shit."

Little Johnny was out with his grandmother when they came across a couple of
dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, grandma?" asked the little boy.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she replied, "The dog on top has hurt his
paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
"They're just like people, aren't they grandma?" said little Johnny.
"How do you mean?" asked grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said little Johnny, "and they fuck you every
time!"

There is a long Russian tradition of Vovochka (similar to the American rotten
Little Johnny) jokes. Here are a few:

The teacher, Maria Ivanovna, asks the children what they want to be when they
grow up.
"I want to be an actress," Mashen'ka says.
"Good girl, Mashen'ka."
"I want to be an astronaut," Peten'ka says.
"Good boy, Peten'ka."
"And I want to be a sex therapist," says Vovochka.
"Would you please tell the class how you think your job is going to be like?"
"Okay, Maria Ivanovna. Look out of the window. Three women are walking down
the street, eating ice cream. One is licking, one is sucking, one is biting.
Would you please tell the class, Maria Ivanovna, which one is married?"
"Get out of the class, Vovochka, and come back with your parents!"
"The one that is married, Maria Ivanovna, is the one that has a wedding ring.
And it is people like you, Maria Ivanovna, that I am going to treat."

Vovochka and Mashen'ka in an arithmetic class.
"You know, Vovochka, I am really bad at arithmetic."
"That's nothing. Looks like I've caught gonorrhea."
Maria Ivanovna sees that students are talking during a class period.
"Vovochka, how much is 3 times 7?"
"Oh, Maria Ivanovna, I'd like to have your worries. 21."

Vovochka drew a fly on the class gradebook. Maria Ivanovna saw the fly
sitting on the notebook and slammed it with a ruler. The fly didn't fly away.
So she slammed the log once again; again, the fly didn't fly away. This drove
Maria Ivanovna really mad, so she started to pound the log with the ruler and,
as a result, the gradebook became a bunch of torn sheets of paper.
Then Maria Ivanovna called Vovochka's father to school. "You see what your
son did to our class gradebook?"
"That's nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew a naked woman on
a fence and then, for two weeks straight, I had to pull splinters out of my
dick."

Some hostile Indians finally captured the Lone Ranger and told him that they
were going to execute him. They decided that since he was such a great
adversary, they would grant him one last wish. When told this, the Lone Ranger
whistled loudly, and from out of nowhere galloped his horse Silver.
The Lone Ranger whispered something in the horse's ear, and the horse took
off a great speed. The Indians were curious and waited to see what happened.
Sure enough, about half an hour later, Silver appeared with a gorgeous woman on
his back, and he dropped her off in front of the Lone Ranger. So impressed were
the Indians that they untied the Lone Ranger, showed him to a tee pee, and let
him do as he pleased.
A few hours later, the Lone Ranger exited very tired and barely able to stand
up. The Indians decided that they would let him regain his strength and execute
him the next day. But the next day came, and the Indians were absolutely amazed
at the previous day's spectacle, that they decided to again grant the Lone
Ranger one last wish.
Again, he whistled for Silver, Silver appeared, the Lone Ranger whispered
something in his ear, the horse took off and brought back an even more beautiful
woman. Flabbergasted, the Indians again let the Lone Ranger have some privacy
with the woman in a tee pee, and again, he was nearly exhausted afterward,
unable to walk. Another day passed, and the Indians decided they needed to see
what would happen, so they granted him yet another wish.
Again, the Lone Ranger whistled for Silver, and when the horse appeared, the
Lone Ranger grabbed him by the neck and yelled at him, "I *said* bring me a god
damn posse!"

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...

Warm eyes, wet lips
Gently touch my finger tips

Soft sighs, silky hair
Longing for me to touch her there

Her begging eyes
Her whimpering cries

Urgent needs of one so sweet
Bring me quickly to my feet

The night is warm, there is no doubt
It's my turn to take the dog out

One Payday, Mr. Goodbar wanted a Bit Of Honey.
So he took his Miss Hershey behind the Powerhouse
on the corner of Fifth Avenue and Clark
where he then began to feel her Mounds.
This was an Almond Joy
that definitely made his Tootsie Roll.
He let out a Snicker
as he slipped his Butterfinger up her Kit Kat.
Which, of course, caused the Milky Way.
She screamed Oh Henry!
as she squeezed his Peter Paul and Zagnuts and said,
"You're better than the Three Musketeers!"

"Censored Erotica," by Janice Perry
Taken from "In Stitches", edited by Gloria Kaufman (Indiana)

It was lying beside me, verbing quietly. I could hear its steady breathing and
the soft sounds of its verbing. I began to get adjective, so I turned to it and
put my body part around it. It looked deep into my body part and verbed me with
its body part. I began to verb and to verb its body part with mine. It moaned
and said, "I emotion when you verb me like that." There was the sound of its
adjective body part rubbing against my body part and the slow rhythm of our
verbing each other. I saw its color body part and grew more and more emotioned.
I knew I would soon verb. My skin verbed with excitement, and I felt tiny nouns
shooting up and down my body part. I said, "Faster, faster my endearment, I'm
going to verb! Yes, I'm Verbing!, I'm VERBING! VERB me! VERB me! Oh
endearment, you are the SUPERLATIVE! I emotion you." We lay together in
silence, and then got up and ate three entire packets of nouns.

An Italian man was walking along a secluded beach one day, when he spotted a
beautiful naked woman lying on the beach. Unable to restrain himself, he
immediately jumped on her and proceeded to hump like a rabid rabbit.
Soon, however, the townspeople came out and began to beat the man, calling
him names. "Bastardo!" "Perverto!" They cried out desperately.
"Perverto? I am-a no perverto!" the man hollered back.
The people responded, "Idiot! Can't you see this woman is-a dead!?".
"Dead?!", he cried. "My God, I thought she was-a English!"

The Frenchman and the Italian were in the woods hunting together when
suddenly a voluptuous blonde girl raced across their path, totally nude.
"Would I love to eat that?!!! Oui, oui!!!" the Frenchman said, smacking his
lips.
So the Italian shot her.

Two friends reminiscing over sex...
This woman had a clitoris like a pickle!
What, so big?
No, so sour!

Boyfriend: Do you smoke after sex?
Girlfriend: Dunno, I've never looked.

It was once reported in "Variety" that Milton Berle, while watching television,
asked his wife, "Do you feel that sex and excitement have gone out of our
marriage?" To which his wife, Ruth, answered, "I'll discuss it with you during
the next commercial."

A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to
work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As
he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the
house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened.
"Is the housewife in?" he asked.
The servant replied: "Just a moment." The wife comes out:
Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.
Husband: Guess what? I am rich.
Wife: How?
Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on
sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand,
I got rich fast.
Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa,
making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed
here, without underwear and on a single bed...I got REAL rich.

A Frenchman who was leaving his Parisian home for a few weeks confided in his
friend, Pierre, "I always hate leaving my wife for so long like this. When I'm
away, I just don't know what she is doing. There's always the doubt, always the
doubt.
Pierre said, "Charles, I'll tell you what. Because we're such close friends,
I'll keep an eye on her every evening that you're gone."
"You would do that for me, Pierre?" Charles said, relieved. "Oh thank you so
very much. I know I really should trust my wife. But it's just that there's
always the doubt, always the doubt."
So Charles went off on his business trip and returned to Paris three weeks
later. The two men met again.
"Charles, I'm afraid I have bad news for you," Pierre said.
"Well?"
"The very first night you were gone, I watched this man go to your house.
Your wife opened the door naked and kissed and hugged him. He fondled her
breasts. He rubbed her crotch. Then they closed the door to go upstairs.
Never daunted, I climbed up the tree outside your house and watched them in the
bedroom.
"And so...?" inquired Charles.
"Well, first they took off all their clothes. Incidentally, my dear friend,
your wife has a lovely body."
"She does indeed," said Charles thoughtfully. "What happened then?"
"Then?" Pierre shook his head sorrowfully. "Then is when they turned out the
light. I could see nothing. I could learn nothing more."
Charles sighed a deep sigh. "So you see how it is, my friend? Always the
doubt, always the doubt."

A salesman, who had completed a trip earlier than expected, left his wife a
message on their answering machine. When he got home, he found his wife in bed
with another man. Being a non-violent type, he went to his father-in-law and
told him what happened. "I'm sure there must be an explanation," his
father-in-law assured him.
The next day, the husband came back to the father-in-law smiling. "I knew
it! I knew there was an explanation," he said. "She forgot to check her phone
messages."

A guy came home and found his wife in bed with his best friend.
"Hey, what do you think you're doing?!?"
"See," the wife said to the man beside her, "I told you he was stupid."

A man sat at a bar and told the bartender, "I just got the shock of my life.
I caught my wife in bed with my best friend."
"What did you do?" asked the bartender.
"Well," said the man, "I hit him on the nose with a newspaper, and sent him
out to the garage without any Alpo!"

When a delegate from a emerging African nation was in Moscow, he watched a
game of Russian roulette. Someone put the barrel of a pistol up to his head and
pulled the trigger. One of the six chambers had a real live bullet.
A month later, the Russian delegate was visiting the African nation.
"We would like to show you our version of roulette," the ambassador said, "We
call this African roulette."
"How do you play?"
The ambassador pointed to six buxom tribeswomen sitting in a circle. "Any of
these six girls will give you a blow job."
"Well, where is the roulette part? Where is the jeopardy? You must have some
risk involved in this game, you know." the Russian said.
"Well," said the African ambassador, "one of the girls is a cannibal."

I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another... I said, "Let's go
back to my place." She said, "Oh, do you have cable?" I said, "No, but I have
some old ropes that should hold just fine..."

Pity the poor egg. He only gets laid once in its life and the only person to
sit on his face is his mother.

Two WASPs are making love. Afterward the man says to the woman, "What's the
matter? Didn't you like it?" The woman says, "Of course I liked it. What
gave you the idea that I didn't?" "Well," says the man, "you moved."

One day, a father and his son were walking in the woods on their way home
when suddenly they came upon two dogs mating in the brush.
"What are they doing, Dad?" asked the small child, staring intently at the
scene before them. "They, um, they're making a puppy" said the boy's father, as
he grabbed his coat and moved him along quickly.
A few nights later, the little boy woke up and got up from his bed to go to
the bathroom. As he walked by his parents' room, he heard strange noises coming
from within. He opened the door and was surprised to see his father on top of
his mother, moving in a strange way.
His father looked up and saw his son - instantly, both mother and father
froze. As the boy's mother grabbed for the sheets to cover herself up, the
father got up and hustled his son out of the bedroom.
"What were you doing to Mom, Dad?" asked the little boy, who still wasn't
sure what he saw. "Your mother and I were, well, we were, ah, trying to make a
baby - you know, maybe a brother or sister for you" said the boy's father, now
confident that this would satisfy his son's curiosity.
"Oh" said the little boy, thinking hard for a minute. "Y'know Dad, when you
go back to bed with mom, turn her over, please - I'd rather have a puppy".

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of
years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible
compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill
indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on
his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could
see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

Your Favorite Color Is The Key To Your Sexual Life

Red
Tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in
every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is lighted, it may take hours to
extinguish. When two Reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady
Chatterley blush. Lovers of Red tend to be the aggressors and weaker colors
should beware!

Yellow
If you tend to favor Yellow your sexual drivers are complex and lean toward
the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is Yellow! No don't panic -
not everyone who wears Yellow is gay. In most cases the person will acquiesce
to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex
to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from someone you
enjoy or admire.

Purple
Lovers of the color Purple frequently consider themselves too regal for a
fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to muss their hair.
Men are businesslike in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes, Purple
partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's
gratification.

Black
Black color preferences point to Black sex. These people are the misfits of
the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted
sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people
and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times.
Police psychiatrists claim that many sex offenders prefer the color Black. And
it is no coincidence that the uniform of monsters and teenaged gangs is Black
attire.

Green
Those who prefer Green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex.
Women who love Green will make love like virgins all of their life. And a man
may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward, but in a charming and endearing sort
of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one
will never need worry about infidelity.

Pink
Persons who like Pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters. Women
tend to tease; to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases, they
flaunt their femininity - but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage
of prostitutes boast entire lingerie wardrobes in Pink. Men who like Pink are
philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will take three dates for the
same evening and not keep one; preferring to pick up a dish in some bar,
instead. Women whose husbands like Pink should keep a secret nest egg for when
they are deserted. Pink indicates a tendency to squander money.

Orange
People who favor Orange tend to have sexual fantasies. The sex act is
regarded as a dramatic role, a one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay
is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings; meaningless
dialogue they feel fits their image. Orange people often do not experience
orgasm, but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair
and women leave red welts on their sex partners back. But the bruises and the
ballyhoo add up to nothing.

Brown
If you love Brown, you are a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers
tend to be warm and deep. Sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners.
Sex is a 24-hour a day thing to them. They can't say "I Love You" often enough.
Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their
tongue is a turn on to a lover of Brown. They need lots of time and privacy to
make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.

Gray
The color Gray is preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get
excited about anything - including colors - so they choose a noncommittal
shade. Men who prefer Gray look at sex as a means of relieving tension,
(nothing more, nothing less). It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women who
prefer Gray don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons,
to accommodate their mate or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the
bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. When a Gray marries
another Gray, the marriage is made in heaven. But when teamed with another
color, the Gray spouse considers the color's infidelity a blessing.

Blue
Lovers of Blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sincere, affectionate and
sensitive to their partners needs. They consider lovemaking a fine art and their
approach is elegant. Men who love Blue are like concert pianists; delicately
ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the Blue
category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners, but their passion
might be compared to tidal waves rather than fiery aggression. Both men and
women enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of love-making as much as the sex act
itself. In marriage, a Blue person is a wonderful mate - never failing to please
the spouse and never seeking outside interests.

White
If a person in infatuated with White, sex often seems dirty. These people
are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in
daylight in unheard of. Women who love White will undress beneath the covers.
Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people will use pet names
for their genitals.

Hi there. I'm a detective. My name is Friday. I work on Saturday. She's my
secretary. A guy walked by my office, I knew he was tall; we're on the seventh
floor. Last week, a woman walked into my office. She pulled out a pair of 45s,
then she pulled out a gun. She invited me to a party that night. As we were
driving to the party, we got a flat tire. I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she
jacked, then we got out and fixed the tire. When we got to the party, everyone
was feeling merry, but Mary had to leave. Then everyone started jumping for
joy, but Joy got a headache...so we left. We went to her place. A rock broke
through the window and hit her in the breast, I broke three fingers. I started
petting her pussy, then her cat walked in. Her husband showed up...told me to
beat it, so I did, then I left.

Hi, my name's Friday. Usually, I work on Thursday. She's my secretary. One
day, I was dictating to her when a rock crashed into the window, cutting my dick
and her tits. Later on, we went to a party that night. On the way, we had a
flat tire. I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked, and then we went out to
fix the flat tire. When we finally got there, everyone was jumping for joy. Joy
was swinging naked on the chandelier. Things soon quieted down and people were
gay and blowing bubbles. Bubbles didn't mind though, because he was gay anyway.
We went home and as we watched TV, I pet her pussy. Her cat walked in and then
her father, who told me to beat it, so I did. Then I left.

At a party, the hostess served a politician a cup of punch and told him it
was spiked. Next, she served some to a minister. "I would rather commit
adultery than allow liquor to pass my lips," he proclaimed. Overhearing this,
the politician poured his punch back and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains,
however, the laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for
Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on
the days that it rains.
So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the
line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your
laundry is never out?"
"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If
his penis is hanging over his *right* leg, I know it's going to be a great day,
and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his *left* leg, I
know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.
"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry*."

A bartender has a problem with a regular customer who nightly proclaims that
he's the baddest ass person around. Eventually tiring of this boasting, the
bartender says "If you're such a bad ass, then you'll have to prove it to me."
The customer says "No problem, name it."
The bartender says" Okay, there's three things you have to do: first, there's
this big bully at the end of the bar who's been hassling my customers all night;
you have to kick him out of the bar. Secondly, I have an alligator in the back
room that has had an abcessed tooth for the past week, you have to pull it.
Third, there's a hooker up stairs who's never been satisfied, you have to go up
there and make her come.
The customer replies, "No problem" and commences to kick the bully out of the
bar. After that he says "OK, show me to the alligator." The bartender takes
the man to the back room and shuts the door.
For about an hour there's a tremendous ruckus going on in the back room. The
man eventually emerges with his clothes all torn and his body scratched and
bitten, he goes up to the bartender and says "OK, where's the hooker with the
abcessed tooth?"

A little boy and a little girl are playing. The little boy pulls down his
shorts and says, "*I* have one of these and you *don't*." The little girl
starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother.
The next day the boy and the girl are playing together again. Once again the
boy points to his private parts and says, "*I* have one of these and you
*don't*." But the little girl just keeps on playing.
"How come you're not crying today," asks the boy.
"My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with
one of *these*, I can get as many of *those* as I want."

A young couple is living on a farm. One evening a flying saucer lands on the
farm, right next to their house. Out of the flying saucer steps a young Martian
couple, and they look very much like humans. The earth woman invites the
Martians for dinner. They all sit down and start talking. They begin
exchanging ideas and traditions, and they get to liking each other so much that
they decide to switch partners for the night. The farmer and the Martian's wife
go into one of the rooms, and the farmer's wife and the Martian man go into the
other room.
As the Martian man takes off his pants, the farmer's wife looks down and sees
that his phallus is extremely small. "What are you gonna do with that?" she
says. "I'll show you," he says, and proceeds to twist his right ear. Suddenly
his penis extends to a foot and a half. However, it is still only as thick as a
pencil. "That's pretty long," says the woman, "but it's really not very wide."
The Martian then reaches up, twists his left ear, and he becomes as thick as a
huge sausage. They then proceed to have sex.
The next morning, the Martians take off and the farmer and his wife are
having breakfast.
"So, how was it?" asks the farmer.
"It was great," says the wife, "the best sex I've ever had! How was yours?"
"Well," says the farmer, "it was kinda weird. All night long she kept
playing with my ears."

These aliens come to earth and study it for a few weeks until they finally
decide that the dominant species on Earth are machines. They decide that
someone should go down and approach the first machine he sees.
There is a flash of light and one of the aliens is standing in front of gas
station, he looks around and walks up the a gas pump and says in a high squeaky
voice, "Take me to your leader." and waits.
The gas pump didn't reply. So the alien said again with a little more force,
"Take me to your leader."
Once again, the gas pump did not answer, so the alien drew his blaster from
his belt pointed it at the gas pump and yelled, "TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!"
The gas pump was doubtless frightened to death but still did not answer, so
the alien let rip with a class 8A ray from his gun and the pump exploded
throwing the alien several miles into the desert.
Eventually, his spacecraft came to pick him up. Once on board, a fellow alien
told him, "I told you not to fuck with a guy that can wrap his dick around his
head and shove it in his ear!"

A Martian expedition came to Earth to observe humans.
The alien spacecraft landed in the middle of the Arizona desert, infront of
an old, abandoned gas station. One of the aliens decides to interact with one
of the old gas pumps (confusing it with a human, since it had a round head).
The alien steps forth and asks, "What is your name? Who is your leader?
What do you do here?" The gas pump didn't respond.
The alien gets in his spacecraft and contacts the mother ship to give his
report. The alien says, " I have observed the humans. They are deaf, dumb, and
as a side note, never send a female Martian to explore this planet because they
have dicks so long, they hang them from their ear."

Mrs. Jones goes to see her obstetrician, Dr. Smith. She says, "Dr. Smith, I'm
pregnant again. I need a hearing aid."
Dr. Smith says, "Mrs. Jones, I thought we decided last time that your twelve
children were more than you could handle, and that you should not get pregnant
again. I'm going to give you a powerful contraceptive."
Mrs. Jones replies, "But, doctor, I don't need a contraceptive. I need a
hearing aid."
Dr. Smith: "How come, Mrs. Jones?"
Mrs. Jones: "Well, you see, doctor, I'm kinda hard of hearing. At night,
when the mister and I turn off the lights and go to bed, he asks me, 'Do you
want to go to sleep, or what?' And, I always say, 'What?'"

A mother and her daughter are at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked
the doctor to examine her daughter.
"She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the
mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I
believe your daughter is pregnant."
The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing
whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?"
"No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as
kissed a man!"
The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he
stood up and walked to the window, staring out. He continued staring until the
mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like
this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another
one was going to show up."

Little Red Riding Hood is riding through the woods to see her grandmother. As
she enters the woods a birds lands on her shoulder and exclaims "Little Red
Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, please don't go any further. The big bad
wolf says he's going to get you and fondle you. Little Red Riding Hood
disregards the bird's warning and proceeds even further into the woods. A
little bit later, a squirrel catches her attention and cries "Little Red Riding
Hood, please don't go any further! The big bad wolf is going to get you and
fondle you!" Little Red Riding Hood responds with mocking laughter and
continues on into the woods. Some time later, a fox comes bounding out of the
woods hollering for Little Red Riding Hood to turn back. "Little Red Riding
Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, please please don't go any further. The big bad
wolf is just up ahead. He's going to get you and fondle you!" Little Red
Riding Hood blows him off as she did the others and rides on. A few moments
later, the big bad wolf makes his promised appearance. He leaps out of the
woods growling menacingly "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, I'm
going to get you and fondle you!" Little Red Riding Hood nonchalantly reaches
into her knapsack, pulls out a pistol, looks the wolf squarely in the eyes and
says "no you're not, you are going to eat me like the story says."

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit her
grandmother when, suddenly, a wolf jumped out from behind a tree. "Ah-ha!!"
the wolf said, "Now I've got you. And I'm going to eat you!"
"Eat! Eat! Eat!" Little Red Riding Hood said angrily. "Damn it!! Doesn't
anybody fuck anymore?!?"

Two teachers are talking in the hallway.
"I hear you're teaching Ivanhoe this term in English class"
"Yes, They weren't allowed to teach that book when I was in school"
"Why not?"
"Too much Saxon Violence"

Don't ever get a vasectomy at Sears. A friend of mine did and now every time he
gets a hard-on, his garage door goes up.

Max and Ernie are playing racquetball at the local gym. As they are changing
clothes in the locker room Max takes off his T-shirt and shorts. He is wearing
a bra and a lace garter belt.
"My God," says Ernie, "when did you start wearing women's underwear?"
"Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment."

The Official Polish Sex Quiz

Study each question carefully. Then, choose the answer that seems most correct
("T" for True or "F" for False) and mark an "X" (just like you sign your name)
under the appropriate heading on the right side.

T F
1. A clitoris is a type of flower. _ _
2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit. _ _
3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird. _ _
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble. _ _
5. Menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels. _ _
6. A G-string is part of a violin. _ _
7. Semen is another word for "sailor". _ _
8. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly". _ _
9. Testicles are found on an octopus. _ _
10. Asphalt dexcribes rectal troubles. _ _
11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. _ _
12. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas. _ _
13. Coitus is a musical instrument. _ _
14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke". _ _
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. _ _
16. A condom is an apartment complex. _ _
17. An organism is the person who accompanies the church choir. _ _
18. A diaphram is a drawing in geometry. _ _
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. _ _
20. An erection is when the Japanese go to the voting booths. _ _
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. _ _
22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass. _ _
23. Pornography is the business of making record albums. _ _
24. Genetals are people of non-Jewish origins. _ _
25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve". _ _
26. An enema is someone who is not your friend. _ _
27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese. _ _

Two storks on a nest: a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying and
crying, and father stork is trying to calm him.
"Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people
babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's fathers turn to do the job. "Son, your father will be
back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later. The stork parents are desperate: their son is gone from
the nest all night! Finally, short before dawn, he returns and the parents ask
their son where he had been all night.
Says the baby stork: "Aww, just scaring the shit out of college kids!"

Entry in young woman's diary :

Monday : Went out with John tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get
too friendly. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best
friends.
Tuesday : Went out with Peter tonight. We were in his car and he tried to
get too friendly also. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still
my best friends.
Wednesday : Went out with Jock tonight. I like Jock. We were in his car and
he tried to get too friendly. I didn't get out and walk away. Even the best of
friends must part!

"I know a girl that doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't swear, goes to bed
early, and isn't thinking about sex all the time."
"Hey, that's great."
"Yes, I know, and, you know, tomorrow she'll be five years old."

I was so embarrassed last week. My Ben-Wa balls set off the airport metal
detector.

There are three people in a pub. Two of them are talking to each other.
They seem to be brooding. So they ask each other why they are brooding.
The first one says : "Well, I think it's because I have sex only once every
month."
Then the second one replies : "Oh, that's true". In my case, it's only once
every other month".
Then, they both look at the third guy, who seems to be very cheerful. They
are puzzled, so they ask him how often he has a screw.
"Once every six monthes" says the fellow.
"Then", ask the first, "why are you so happy?"
And the third replies "Because it's tonight !!!"

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in an airplane. All of a
sudden, the man sneezes powerfully. He takes out his handkerchief, opens his
zipper, takes out his Willy and after having carefully wiped it, puts it back in
and closes the zipper.
The woman is shocked - but she thinks it wiser not to say anything and tries
not to pay any attention whatsoever to this horrifying man.
Then there is a second sneeze, as loud as the first one. And the same
routine: Zipper open, Willy out, Wiping, Willy in and Zipper close. That nearly
makes the woman sick but she just tries to ignore the whole thing.
After the third sneeze (and the routine) she cannot help but ask: "Excuse me,
Sir, but you have now sneezed three times. And after each time you have taken
out your penis and wiped it. May I inquire why?"
"Oh, you see Ma'am. Every time I sneeze, I get an orgasm."
"But that's awful! What do you take for it?"
"Pepper," answers the man.

Victor, after a long, hard days work, decides he needs some relaxation, so he
goes to his local brothel. He enters and finds the madam. As it's the busiest
time of the day, there is only one girl left, who is Chinese and doesn't know a
word of English.
"I'll take her," he says desperately, as he is also in a hurry.
So they proceed upstairs and get down to business. As Victor is going full
whack, the girl begins to shout out "Sung wa! Sung wa!" To which Victor assumes
that this means great, fantastic, etc, so he continues unperturbed.
The following day he as at a golf meeting with a wealthy, prospective Chinese
client, and is trying to impress him in any way he can. Just then, the client
T's off and gets a whole in one. This gives Victor the opportunity to use his
newly found Chinese phrase... "Sung wa! Sung wa!" he proclaims, to which the
client replies, "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge
rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and
fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps
the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it.
You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop
your trousers, bend over, and I'll [insert appropriate colloquial for sodomy
here]." The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his
trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.
After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and staggers
back into town. He's pretty mad. He buys a much larger gun and returns to the
forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the
bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,
"You know what to do."
Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys
a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims,
and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When
the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, "You're not doing this
for the hunting, are you?"

A woman walked up to her husband and, out of the blue, hit him.
He said, "What was that for?"
She said, "For being a lousy lover!"
He thought about that for a few moments, then he hit her back.
She said, "What was that for?"
He said, "For knowing the difference!"

Two women are talking over lunch when one said to the other, "Well, Jane,
how's your sex life these days?"
"Well...my husband makes me feel like an exercise bike," replies Jane.
"How's that?" asked her friend.
"He climbs on and starts pumping away," explained Jane. "But we never get
anywhere."

A Dog Named "Sex"

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine Sex. Sex has
been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told
the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too.
Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like.
Then I said, "You don't understand. I have had Sex since I was 9 years old."
He said I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my
honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my
wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place
was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The
clerk said, "Me too." One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the
competition began, the dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing
there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He
told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I
said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off. When my wife and I
separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your
Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told
him that after I was separated, Sex left me. He said "Me too." Last night, Sex
ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to
me and asked me, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning." I
said, "I am looking for Sex." My case comes up on Friday.

Computer Sex

Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-band
protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices,
even if it meant time-sharing.
One evening, he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and had parked his
Motorola 68040 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that morning), when
he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy wheels in his garden.
He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly. I'll see if she'd like an
update tonight."
Mini was her name, and she was delightfully engineered with eyes like COBOL
and a PRIME mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking all
over the place.
He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin, 32-bit
floating point processors and enquired, "How are you, Honeywell?". "Yes, I am
well", she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and smoothing her
console over her curvilinear functions.
Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight",
he said, "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll output a byte
to eat, and maybe we could get offset later on."
Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 8 K.
"I've been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh
my disks. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside."
She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what a
global variable, I wonder if she'd like my firmware?"
They sat down at the process table to top of form feed of fiche and chips and
a bucket of baudot. Mini was in conversation mode and expanded on ambiguous
arguments while Micro gave the occasional acknowledgements, although, in
reality, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry
point. He finally settled on the old 'Would you like to see my benchmark
routine', but Mini was again one step ahead.
Suddenly, she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full
functionality of her operating system software. "Let's get BASIC, you RAM", she
said. Micro was loaded by this; his hardware was in danger of overflowing its
output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about. "Core",
was all he could say, as she prepared to log him off.
Micro soon recovered, however, when Mini went down on the DEC and opened her
divide files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root
device and was just about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when she
attempted an escape sequence.
"No, no!", she cried, "You're not shielded!"
"Reset, Baby", he replied, "I've been debugged."
"But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child
processes", she protested.
"Don't run away", he said, "I'll generate an interrupt."
"No, that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design
philosophy."
Micro was locked in by this stage, though, and could not be turned off. But
Mini soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main
supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.
"Computers!", she thought, as she recompiled herself. "All they ever think
of is hex!"

The Sex Life Of An Electron

One night, when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to seek out a
cute coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp and took her for a ride
on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge, around the Sine Waves,
and stopped in the Magnetic Field by a flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted
by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves, soon had her fully charged and excited her
resistance to a minimum. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her
frequency, and lowered her reluctance. He pulled out his high voltage probe and
inserted it in her socket, connecting them in parallel and began short
circuiting her resistance shunt. Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled "OHM-OHM-OHM".
With his tube operating at maximum and her field vibrating with his current
flow, her shunt overheated, and Micro-Farad was rapidly discharged and drained
of every electron. They fluxed all night trying various connections and sockets
until his magnet had a soft core and had lost all it's field strength.
Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids. And with
his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to excite his field, so
they spent the rest of the night reversing polarity and blowing each other's
fuses.

Mathematical Sex

Wherein it is related how that Polygon of Womanly Virtue, your Polly Nomial
(our heroine) is accosted by that Notorious Villain Curly Pi, and factored (oh,
horror).
Once upon a time ( 1/T ), Pretty Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of
vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly
was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she never
enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her
variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this
condition on the basis that it was insufficient, and made her way amongst the
complex elements. Rows and columns closed in from all sides. Tangents approached
her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, two branches of a
hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all
sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning
point, she tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf and
plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she rounded off once more, she
found herself inverted, apparently alone, in a non-Euclidian space.
She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking
innerproduct. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular
expression crossed his face. He wondered, was she still convergent? He decided
to integrate improperly at once.
Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi
approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his
degenerate conic and dissipative terms that he was bent on no good.
"Arcsinh," she gasped.
"Ho, ho," he said. "What a symmetric little asymptote you have. I can see
your angles have a lot of secs."
"Oh, sir," she protested, "keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on."
"Calm yourself, My Dear," said our Suave Operator. "Your fears are purely
imaginary."
"I, I," she thought, "perhaps he's not normal but homologous."
"What order are you?" the Brute demanded.
"Seventeen," replied Polly.
Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on."
"Of course not," Polly replied quite properly. "I'm absolutely convergent."
"Come, come," said Curly, "Let's off to a decimal place I know and I'll take
you to the limit."
"Never," gasped Polly.
"Abscissa," he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone.
Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly
removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began
smoothing out her points of inflection. Poor Polly. The algorithmic method was
now her only hope. She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit. Her
convergence would soon be gone forever.
There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. Curly's radius
squared itself; Polly's loci quivered. He integrated by parts. He integrated by
partial fractions. After he cofactored, he performed rungecutta on her. The
complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour integration. Curly
went on operating until he had satisfied her hypothesis, then he exponentiated
and became completely orthogonal.
When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer
piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But is was too
late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased
monotonically. Finally, she went to the L'Hopital and generated a small but
pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to
deviation.
The moral of our sad story is this:
'If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single
degree of freedom...'

"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asked the hardware store clerk.
"Yes." The clerk gestures with his finger. "Can you come this way?"
"If I could come that way," the woman says, "I wouldn't need the batteries."

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was
reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says
to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female
achieves orgasm?"
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."
He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay." He then gets up and walks out,
leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims,
"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always
squealing, how can I tell?"

A young country vet finally manages to convince a farmer the virtues of
artificial insemination. On the day of the operation, the vet was curious when
the farmer hammers a hook onto a nearby beam of the barn. When asked, the
farmer replied, "Err, this is for you to hang your pants on."

Three guys are driving down the road and their car breaks down, so they went
to a farmer's house and asked if they could stay for the night. The farmer said
okay but someone has to sleep with the chickens, someone has to sleep with the
cows, and someone has to sleep with his 18 daughters. So one slept with the
chickens, one with the cows, and one with his 18 daughters.
The next day, one said that he felt like he was a chicken, the other said
that he felt like a cow, and the third said he felt like golf ball. The farmer
asked why he felt like a golf ball, to which the man replied that if you were in
and out of 18 holes in one night, you would feel like one too.

Lady goes to buy a pet. In store, sees a frog in a rosewood box, asks for
the price.
"This frog is worth $4000, madam."
"WHAT? Why is it so expensive?"
"Well, you see, it specially trained to perform cunnilingus."
"I see... I'll take it."
So she takes the frog home, showers, puts on a silk gown, perfume, and opens
the box on the bed. The frog doesn't perform; she calls the shop. I'll be
right over, says the shopowner. Moments later, the shopowner sees the problem,
and tells the frog, "ALL RIGHT NOW, look hard, it's the LAST TIME I'LL show you!

A sex therapist was doing research at the local college when one of the male
volunteers told him, "When I get it in part way, my vision blurs. And when I
get it all the way in, I can't see a thing."
"Hmmm...that's an interesting optical reaction to sex," said the researcher.
"Would you mind if I had a look at it?"
So the volunteer stuck out his tongue.

Lawyer : Well Mr.Mouse, I don't really think that your wife Minnie having
bucked teeth is sufficient grounds for divorce.
Mickie : Who mentioned bucked teeth? I said she was fucking goofy.

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband
is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do
about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might
do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and
come back in the morning and tell her what happened.
The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill
worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist
what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she
doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the
therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would
happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to
go ahead and try it.
The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that
the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband
the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an
experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person.
Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle
of pills in the husband's morning coffee.
A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the
dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?"
"Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?"
"Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in
the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."

This guy took his nymphomaniac wife to the sex therapist for treatment.
"This is one hot potato of a lady, doctor," he said, "Maybe you can do something
for her? She goes for any man, any age, any time, any where...and it is just
driving me crazy with jealousy."
"We'll see," the therapist said. He directed the wife into his examining
room, closed the door behind her, and told her to get undressed. Then he told
her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.
The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to squirm and moan. It was too
much for him to resist, so he climbed up on top of her and began screwing her.
The husband suddenly hears the moans and groans coming from the examination
room. Very suspicious, he bursts into the room and is confronted by the sight
of the doctor astride his wife and banging away.
"Doctor, what are you doing?!?" he asked.
Flustered, the therapist replied, "Oh, it's you! I'm only taking your wife's
temperature!"
The husband pulled out a large pocket knife and began to hone it deliberately
on his sleeve. "Well, doc," he said, "when you take that thing out, it better
have numbers on it!"

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the
sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge
chunk of money; hired a