Sex Riddles |
Sex Riddles |
Do you know why it's called sex?
Because it's easier to spell than
Uhhhhh..oooohh...Ahhhhhh....AIIEEEEEEE!!!
I was told these by a friend who is in the UK.
What does an Essex girl use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter.
Why do the girls from Essex get confused in the ladies room?
They have to pull their own pants down.
Why do Essex girls have more fun?
Because they don't know any better!
What's the difference between an Essex girl and Robert Maxwell?
An Essex girl won't slip off your boat.
(English cockney rhyming slang boat race= face)
What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator! (Glad he ate her)
Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)
But do you know what 6.9 is?
A good thing fucked up by a period.
What is 69 squared?
Dinner for 4.
What is 68?
You do me and I owe you one.
Q. What's the speed limit on sex?
68. At 69, she'll blow a rod.
or
68. At 69, you have to turn around.
What is the meaning of 6.9 for a woman?
69 interrupted by a period! (ouch..gross!)
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
What have you got if you have two fuzzy green balls in the palm of your hand?
Kermit's undivided attention.
What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.
What is the difference between hard and dark.
It stays dark all night long.
What is the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?
Getting him/her in and out of the wheelchair!
What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A teabag.
What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
About three inches.
What is six inches long, two inches wide, has a head on it, and women are crazy
for it?
Money!!!
What is the difference between a good girl and a nice girl?
A nice girl goes out on a date, goes home, and goes to bed.
A good girl goes out on a date, goes to bed, and then goes home.
It seems that mathematics isn't so impeccable after all! Especially when it
comes to sex! Here are some mathematical truisms that didn't quite hold up!
If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you
have?
Divorce proceedings, most likely.
If you have two friends and six women, how many women do each of your friends
get?
None.
Is three an odd number?
Not in this day and age.
If a 6-inch penis can attract 10 women, how many women can an 18-inch penis
attract?
Two billion.
If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and you wife wants to have
2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants!
How are math and sex the same?
I don't get either one.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!
What do you do in case of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes!
What did Adam say to Eve?
You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.
What's old wrinkled and smells like Ginger Rogers?
Fred Astair's face.
What is green and smells like pork?
Kermit's middle finger.
Why do women have two holes so close together?
In case you miss.
What's natural dental floss?
Pubic hair.
When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
When he eats his first Brownie.
What is better than a rose on your piano?
Tulips on your organ
What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?
A diseased pussy on your organ.
What should a woman do if a pit bull starts to hump her leg?
Fake an orgasm.
What is better than a cold Bud?
A warm Busch!
Why is life like a penis?
Because when it's soft, it's hard to beat; but when it's hard, you get screwed.
How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
When you open her legs, the lights go on.
What was the first obscenity ever heard on T.V.?
"Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
What's green and eats nuts?
Herpes!
What does American beer and making love in a small rowing-boat have in common?
They are both fucking close to water!
What is the similarity between British Telecom and Elton John?
They have both been fucked by Mercury.
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are you shaking for? I'm the one she's going to eat!
What did the corn chip say to the battery?
If your Eveready, I'm Frito Lay!
What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating, your hand falls asleep.
Why is masturbation better than intercourse for some?
1. You know who you're dealing with.
2. You know when you've had enough.
3. You don't have to be polite afterward.
Why is it good for young boys to read Playboy and Penthouse?
It improves hand-eye coordination.
What's another name for a sex-change operation?
Artificial infemination.
What's the connection between a soya been and a vibrator?
Both are meat substitutes.
What do you call a man with a 1-inch prick?
Justin
What is it that goes in hard and stiff and comes out soft and wet?
Chewing gum.
What comes one a day?
The mail.
What comes twice a day?
The mailman, when the husband is away!
What are the three words a housewife never wants to here when making love?
Honey, I'm home!
How can you tell if your girlfriend is horny?
You stick your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.
What do female hippos say during sex?
Can I be on top this time?
What do female snails say during sex?
Faster! Faster!
What is the definition of a sadist?
Someone who's kind to a masochist.
What is the definition of indecent?
When it's in long, and it's in hard, and it's in deep, then it's indecent.
Why do men who are bankers make better lovers?
Because they know that there is a substantial penalty for early withdrawal.
What do toys and womens breasts have in common.
They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them.
What do spaghetti and women have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them!
What does a woman and a airplane have in common?
A cockpit.
What is the difference between a hen and a prostitute?
One says cock-ka-doodle-do and the other says any cock will do.
Did you hear about the prostitute who was arrested after she threw her pimp on
an escalator?
She said she wanted to see him go down for a change!
What is the difference between a cheap hooker and an elephant?
One rolls on its back for peanuts and the other one lives in a zoo.
What should a woman say as she guides her lover's tongue toward her clitoris?
This bud's for you!
Did you know that 60% of all women are battered?
And I've been eating plain all this time!
Did you hear about the Tempura House?
It's for lightly battered women.
What is the difference between a one night stand and a toilet?
The toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.
What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
Come in eight flavors.
What happens if a woman puts her panties on backwards?
She gets her ass chewed out.
What is the difference between a computer and a woman?
A computer will not laugh at a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.
Who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman?
The woman, of course. Look at it this way. When your ear itches and you put
your little finger in it and wiggle it around, what feels better - your finger
or your ear?
What is the similarity between cunnilingus and the Mafia?
One slip of the tongue and you are in deep shit.
What is the area between the vagina and the anus called?
A chin rest.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It changes their blood type.
Did you hear about the male birth control pill?
It's about the size of a marble, you put it in your shoe, and it makes you limp.
If whiskey makes you frisky and gin makes you grin, what makes you pregnant?
Two highballs and a squirt.
How can you tell if your daughter had a good time on her date last night?
Throw her panties against the wall. If they stick, she had a good time.
Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?
Intercourse, you go between periods and you are expected to come.
Did you know there are four different types of orgasms? They are:
The positive orgasm: "Oh yes, Ohh yesss, OH YESSSS!"
The negative orgasm: "Oh no, Ohh nooo, OH NOOO!"
The spiritual orgasm: "Oh god, Ohh goddd, OH GODDD!"
The fake orgasm: "Oh Steve, Ohh Steeeve, OH STEEEEEEEEVE!"
Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with her six male friends?
She came home with a red snapper.
Did you hear about the horny seminary school dropout?
He was looking for a missionary position.
What is Rodeo Sex?
Well, it's where your lady friend is on all fours, you are firmly ensconced from
the rear with a breast in each hand, and you say to her, "This is the way your
sister likes it too."
You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle.
Did you hear about the transexual college student?
He spent his junior year abroad.
Why are brussel sprouts like pubic hair?
You just push them aside and carry on eating.
Why is sex like air?
It's no big thing, unless you aren't getting any.
What is one of the worst things about giving a man a blow job?
The view.
How do you keep a man from wanting sex?
You marry him.
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.
What does a man think foreplay is?
a) It's something that you do on the golf course.
b) It's something that occurs 2 minutes before having sex.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same but the dishes are stacking up in the sink.
How does a real man know whenever his girlfriend is having an orgasm?
A real man doesn't care.
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
