Divorce Remorse

Divorce is bachelor-hood, with strings attached.

Tis better to have loved and lost....than have to live with the bitch the rest of my life.

My ex-wife is like a good laxative...she irritates the shit out of you.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Divorce is having your genitals torn off through your wallet. - Robin Williams

Love is grand. Divorce is at least 20 grand.

Of all the new weight loss programs and exercise videos available, divorce is still the most effective. Where else can you get rid of 205 pounds in a quick 90 days.

When does a woman stop masturbating?
After the divorce is finalized.

Says Jim after the divorce was finally settled -
"Eh, I didn't care for some of her habits...I mean, she was a slob! Every time I went to take a piss, she always had dirty dishes laying there in the sink!

Two guys are talking in a bar. The first one says, "My ex-wives were great housekeepers. The first one kept the house, the second one kept the house..."

I blame my divorce on my ex-husband's calculating mind. He put two and two together.

How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

Alimony : It's the screwing you get, for the screwing you got.
Alimony : The last laugh.
Divorce : When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.
Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.

What is the definition of a faithful husband?
One who's alimony checks arrive on time.

An elderly couple, in their 90's appears before the judge, and both are asking for a divorce.
"He gambles, stays out nights, runs around with women. I can't take it anymore," she said.
"She keeps the house a mess, never has time for me, runs around with other men," he said.
"How long has this been going on?", asked the judge.
"About seventy years," they both replied.
"And you waited until now to get a divorce?"
"Well, we were waiting for the children to die."

How is an ex like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed, you found out you didn't need it anyway.

There was a time when one went to a chiropractor to get rid of a pain in the neck or a constantly repetitive migraine. Now they just divorce him/her.

My ex-husband and I had communication problems. He would get mad because I wouldn't tell him who I was dating.

One of the reasons that fifty percent of marriages end in divorce is that those men who promised that they'd die for their woman just don't come through.

James and Beverly Jenkins had been married for twelve years when they
mutually agreed to end it and get divorced. After the divorce was granted, that
same day, as they stood facing each other for what could be the last time, James
asked Beverly if she would mind him asking one last question. "Not at all, go
right ahead," she replied.
"Well, their is one thing that has always bother me. We have five kids with
brown hair but youngest one, little Jimmy, has blonde hair. So, please tell me,
whose kid is Jimmy?"
"I just can't tell you, James. The answer would hurt you too much."
"I'll be fine. Now that we're divorced, finding out whoever Jimmy came from
can't hurt me too much."
"Well, if it's that important to you...Jimmy is your child."

A wife was having coffee with a girlfriend of hers when she confided to her,
"Our marriage has never been that great, but this year has been the absolute
worst between my husband and I. Harry often yells at me, criticizes me, puts me
down, plus he never helps out with anything around the house, and I keep getting
the feeling that he's screwing his secretary. I can't eat, I can't sleep...in
fact, I've already lost eight pounds this month along!"
"Well, why don't you dump the bastard?!?" her friend said.
To which the wife replied, "Oh, I plan to do that, but first I want to get my
weight down to 115 pounds."

In January 1994, in Cairo, Egypt, seven Muslim fundamentalist lawyers filed a
lawsuit to force the happily married Professor Nasr Abu Zeid and his wife to
divorce because Zeid had written alleged heresies that disqualified him from
marriage to a Muslim woman. According to the lawyers, any Muslim has the power
to petition to end such a marriage. However, a civil affairs judge ruled
shortly thereafter for Zeid.

"Why did you divorce him?" the Marquise de Sade's wife was asked.
"Beats me," she replied.

The Associated Press reported in August of 1993 on the growing movement in
Muslim countries to abandon the ancient tradition of permitting husbands to
divorce their wives by shouting "Talaq!" three times. Pakistan, Turkey, Syria,
and Indonesia are among the nations that have abandoned the tradition. In
India, a man may either shout "Talaq" three times at once, with the divorce
effective four months later, or shout "Talaq" one time during each of three
consecutive menstrual periods and be divorced immediately after the third shout.

In 1993, Tel Aviv University and the Warner-Lambert Co. sponsored the First
International Workshop on Bad Breath. Shlomo Goren, former chief rabbi of
Israel, told the conference that Jewish law makes bad breath a legitimate ground
for divorce. (One study by the Kyushu Dental College in Japan used human
sniffers to categorize the smells in the mouths of 2,600 subjects.)

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