I SURVIVED PARENTHOOD


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My husband has always taken the time to make love to me in a very romantic atmosphere. In fact, all our kids were conceived during Miller Lite commercials.
All children who entered the world in the 1980s and later were born with a special mutated gene that enables them to know which buttons to push on electronic gadgets.
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board?"
I found a great new day care center. It's called "Cookies and Chloroform".
After having quadruplets, the mother named them Adolph, Rudolph, Getoff, and Stayoff.
My husband and I had just finished tucking our four young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Eric's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind.
Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Eric's ear. Eric was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"
When talking to my brother on the phone, I griped that our mother complains about how infrequently she sees my kids but never comes to visit, even though it's only a $200 plane ticket. My brother's response, "Yes, but you don't need *any* ticket for a _guilt_ trip."
From "News Of The Weird":
David S. Clemons, 22, was charged with misdemeanor child abuse in Durham, N.C., in November,1993 after allegedly biting his 11-month-old baby on the cheek during a class in which a child care professional was trying to teach parenting skills.
According to an official in an investigators' trade association, reported in "Woman's Day" magazine, parents hiring private eyes to track their children's whereabouts is up 25 percent. The detectives tap phones, run background checks on their kids' friends, and perform around-the-clock surveillance.
What Is A Teenager?
By Bill Adler
Every parent who has a teenager knows it's not easy to figure them out. Here are some clues.
A Teenager is...
Henry's son, David, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the problem was.
"Daddy and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away."
"Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off."
"But that's just what I did, mommy."
A telephone salesperson makes a call to an unknown prospect and a very small,
very soft, very quiet, and obviously young person answers the phone.
Sales person: Hello, may I speak to the man of the house please?
Youngster: (whispering) No, he's busy.
Sales person: Well then, can I please speak to your mother?
Youngster: (in a whisper) She's busy too.
Sales person: I see, how about your brother or sister? Can I speak to him?
Youngster: (whispering) No. They're both busy too.
Sales person: (losing patience) Is there anybody else there I could talk to???
Youngster: (in a whisper) Yeah, the police are here...but they are busy too...
Sales person: ( by now quite exasperated) What are all these people doing that
keeps them so busy?!!!
Youngster: (still whispering) Looking for me.

Why Babies Need So Many Clothes


From: tomc@kendeco.com (Tom Cross)
My wife, Karen Cross, wrote this.


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