The Canonical List of
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The Canonical List of
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1...
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's and says "Doctor, doctor, you've got to
help me! I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!" The shrink says "Sit
over there and I'll deal with you later."
2...
A patient came to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gives him a Rorschach Test -- he
shows a patient a circle with a dot inside it.
Psych: What do you see?
Pat: Two people are having sex in the middle of the circular room.
The psychiatrist shows the patient another picture of a square with a dot inside it.
Q: What do you see?
A: Two people are having sex in the square room.
The psychiatrist shows the patient one more picture of a triangle with a dot outside it.
Q: What do you see now?
Patient: Doctor, are you some kind of pervert???
3...
Q. Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment?
A. To prepare them for the bill.
4...
"I'm treating a patient with a split personality," boasted a psychiatrist,
"and Medicare pays for both of them!"
5...
Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
6...
Psychiatrist: What's wrong with your brother?
Sister: He thinks he's a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken?
Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.
7...
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dustbin.
Psychiatrist: Don't talk such rubbish.
8...
Patient: Doctor, I can't stop stealing things.
Psychiatrist: Take these pills. They should help you.
Patient: But what if they don't?
Psychiatrist: Pick up a Rolls for me.
9...
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a curtain.
Psychiatrist: Pull yourself together!
10..
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pool ball.
Psychiatrist: Get to the end of the queue (cue).
11..
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible.
Psychiatrist: Who said that?
12..
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds.
13..
Man goes to a psychiatrist; psychiatrist sez, "You're crazy!"
Man sez, "I want a second opinion!"
Psychiatrist sez,
"OK, yer ugly, too!"
14..
Two psychiatrists meet on the street. One says to the other,
"You know, I thought I'd been completely analyzed, but yesterday
I experienced the most remarkable Freudian Slip."
The friend nods and waits to hear more...
The first psychiatrist continues, "I was having dinner with my
mother, and I meant to say, 'Please pass the butter', but instead
I said, 'You miserable bitch, you've ruined my life!!!".
15..
A man goes to a psychiatrist, and they decide to start with
a Rorschach test. He's shown the first picture and sees a
man and a woman making love at the beach. In the second,
a man and a woman making love in a hottub. The third has
a man and a woman making love in a park. In all of the
pictures, the man sees a couple making love.
After the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and
says, "You seem to have a preoccupation with sex."
The man replies, "You're the one with the dirty pictures."
16..
Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first says, "Hello."
The other thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that."
17..
A man goes to the psychiatrist and says, "Doc, sometimes I think
I'm a tee pee, and other times I think I'm wig wam. What is it?"
The doctor says, "You're too tense."
18..
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nothing wrong with that. I like sausages too.
Patient: Sexy beasts, aren't they?
19..
Man: Doctor, my wife thinks she's a refrigerator!
Psychiatrist: Don't worry, it will pass.
Man: But, doctor, when she sleeps with her mouth open, that damn light bugs me!
20..
Hypnotist: "Okay, Mr. Henry, when I say wake up you will no longer be shy but
full of confidence and be able to speak your mind... Wake up!"
Patient: "Right, you! How about giving me a refund, you money-grabbing old
skinflint!"
21..
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one but the light bulb must want to change!
22..
A psychiatrist on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving
rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary
steering wheel and making loud train noises "Chooo-Chooo... Whoooo-Whooooo..."
"What are you doing?" enquires the doctor.
"I'm taking a train down to Barcelona," replies the man.
Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off, the doctor moves on to the next bed where he
can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back
he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress.
"And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed.
"Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm fucking his
wife."
23..
A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is known for their progressive
rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients.
The first patient they visit is a young woman practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist
asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get
out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society."
The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same
question asked to him, "What are you doing?" "I'm studying biology,
chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out."
Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients.
Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he
was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man with his penis in a jar of peanuts.
"My God!" said the psychiatrist, "what are you doing?"
The man replied: "I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here"
24..
A man walked into a psychiatrist's office, sat down, took out a pack of cigarettes. He
removed a cigarette from the pack, unrolled it, and stuffed the tobacco up his nose.
The shrink frowned and said, "I see you need my help!"
The guy said, "Yeah Doc. Got a match!?"
25..
A man walks into the psychiatrists office with a pancake on his head, fried
eggs on each shoulder, and a strip of bacon over each ear. The shrink, humoring
him, asks, "What seems to be the problem?" The guy answers, "Doc, I'm
worried about
my brother."
26..
A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one
session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when
they least expect it." As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and
says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans."
27..
A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so
for public safety, he was committed. He was put in a room with another crazy
and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has
sent me!" The other guy looks at him and declares, "I did *not*!"
28..
Sign on a psychologists office: Schizophrenics pay double.
29..
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
30..
What is the best thing about schizophrenia?
You're never alone.
31..
What's the worst thing about schizophrenia?
Paying more than once for everything.
32..
A man walks into a psychiatrists office and tells him, "I have an identity
problem..... So do I."
33..
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic
And I am too
34..
A Man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, than stands
on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place.
The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come
into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."
The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I
do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit
me..."
The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist,
here's his card, why don't you see him?"
The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank
yous...
Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink.
The bartender says "OK, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who..."
"Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely
cured."
"Well, that's great. This beer is on the house"
So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses
on the bar.
"You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!"
"I am! It doesn't bother me anymore..."
35..
The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of
their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him
to the movies. When they get to the movie theatre, there are signs of wet paint
pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a
newspaper down first and then sits down.
The doctors get all excited cause they think maybe he's in touch with
reality now. So they ask him, "Why did you put the newspaper down first?"
He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better view."
36..
A man calls the psychiatrist at a mental hospital and asks who's in room 24.
"Nobody" comes the reply.
"Good" says the man, "I must have escaped."
37..
What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother", the shrink will ask "Why
do
you say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with
us."
38..
"Oh doctor," moaned the woman to the psychiatrist. "Everyone calls me a
nymphomaniac."
"I understand," said the shrink. "But I'll be able to take better notes if
you'll let go of my cock."
39..
A mature woman was in with her priest to get some counseling for her upcoming fourth
wedding.
"How am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"
"You have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be."
"Well," she said, "my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted
to do
was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to
it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this
time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."
40..
A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient,
"How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got this
reply...
"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have
done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my
stepdaughter. My daddy came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely
stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother.
Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he
is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.
So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my
stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became
my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my
stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.
Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes
more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the
wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you
understand how I got put in this place?"
41..
A young woman goes to a psychiatrist. When she walks into his office, he says,
"Take off your clothes and get on the couch." A little confused, she did as he
asked. He took off his pants and had sex with her on the couch. When he was
finished, he said, "Well, my problem is solved. Now, what's yours?"
42..
So the two behaviorists had just finished having sex, and the first on turns to
the other, and says, "It was good for you, was it good for me?"
43..
How do you tell the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at
the mental hospital?
The patients are the ones that eventually get better and go home!
